The Literotica Bulwer-Lytton thread.

[SimonDoom]

I just found out that after 41 magnificent years the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest is coming to an end. It's a sad day, because the contest has spawned some great entries. Here's a link to the site if you are interested: https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/.

The contest is named after the 19th century author Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who is famous for beginning his novel Paul Clifford with the sentence, "It was a dark and stormy night."

At Penny Thompson's suggestion, I decided to start a thread where we can post our own worst opening sentences to an erotic story.


Here's mine:

It was a gray and cloudy Tuesday, and the sun rose pallidly and unconvincingly, like an old man's dick at the sight of an underwear ad, but it was enough to wake up Mortimer, who resolved for the hundredth time that this day, finally, he'd lay off the porn and booze.

 

[StillStunned]

He'd never thought of his sister as a sexual creature until that day, that steaming Saturday in late summer, when she climbed languidly out of the pool and he noticed the water glistening lazily on her naked breasts like so many kisses winking enticingly at him, sparkling like a demoness's eyes, just inviting him to lick them up lasciviously with his tongue.

 

[Rustyoznail]

(Edited to fit the rules)

The midday sun blazed down on Bruce, who wiped his forehead and said, "It's hot."

 

[lovecraft68]

I think I offended mom when she asked me if I wanted to take a ride with her and dad and offered to sit on my lap, and I said no, I don't grasp low hanging fruit.

 

[DraegonDaddy]

It was cold outside and he felt the chill coming through the window.

 

[SyleusSnow]

It was a dark and steamy night; the dubstep dropped in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when a track ended (for it is in a sleazy apartment our scene lies), rattling the windows and fiercely agitating the throbbing tumescent tool of Tony the teacher as he and Tina the therapist faced each other like grandfather clocks in an antique shop window, naked as sphynx cats though not as wrinkly, especially her boobs which were not wrinkly at all unlike his last girlfriend's, contemplating consummating their inflamed illicit infatuation in bed or on the floor, though the dust bunnies might stick to inappropriate places and really should be swept up before they get started, he thought idly.

 

[yowser]

You are probably wondering why you should bother reading this.

 

[PennyThompson]

Her bra was a 34D -- which was actually pretty mid because cup sizes are relative to ribcage circumference -- and her pants were a size 6 Medium except when she bought them from Old Navy where the sizes always seemed to run too large, and the pockets were terrible.

 

[SimonDoom]

It was a dark and stormy night, the kind of night that makes dogs howl and drives people into the safety of their homes like scared rabbits, the kind of night that turns your bones into Shake 'N Bake, but the main thing I remember about that night is that I discovered my mom's OnlyFans site.

 

[Duleigh]

The contest is named after the 19th century author Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who is famous for beginning his novel Paul Clifford with the sentence, "It was a dark and stormy night."

OMG!!! You're telling me that in all these years of writing, Snoopy was plagiarizing? I'm shattered.

Ok, I just wrote my very worst opening line, but it's for a 750 word story, the wordcount has priority over poetry. It will probably get chopped down in editing, but here we go:

He was the biggest wiseass I had ever had in one of my classes, but he had that bad boy smile that just made my panties damp every time he used it on me.

 

[Erozetta]

Her bra was a 34D -- which was actually pretty mid because cup sizes are relative to ribcage circumference -- and her pants were a size 6 Medium except when she bought them from Old Navy where the sizes always seemed to run too large, and the pockets were terrible.

Would read 'cause accurate.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Did you guys hear about that one guy last week?

 

[sinfantasy]

Freedom. It wasn't just air to me; it was the only thing I craved with my whole being. The only space I could claim as my own.

 

[SimonDoom]

A reminder: The Bulwer-Lytton contest rules are that it has to be one sentence. It can be a convoluted and absurd sentence, but just one sentence.

 

[PennyThompson]

My two favorite things in the whole world were my 1979 Dodge Charger and my Facebook profile picture of me leaning against my 1979 Dodge Charger, both of which reliably generated an endless parade of extremely impressed and horny 18-year-old women.

 

[yowser]

A reminder: The Bulwer-Lytton contest rules are that it has to be one sentence. It can be a convoluted and absurd sentence, but just one sentence.

Thanks for the reminder. Now I have to include my longest, if perhaps not worst, first line (in a 750 word piece of only three sentences):

To those persons with Literotica authorly ambitions, writers past, present and potential, scurrilous scribblers of sex, with vast unreasonable expectations of writerly recognition and wanton wishes for immortal fame, yet whose grandiose visions exceed their meager talents by immense margins, who find new and imaginative ways to violate time-honored literary conventions of the language, who recklessly run rampant through natural and normal rules of grammar, employ both clichés with impunity and plots rife with logical inconsistencies, develop character motivations of the flimsiest fabric, sodden prose of the most execrable flavour, stories of repulsive depravity - may you be cursed.

 

[SimonDoom]

Thanks for the reminder. Now I have to include my longest, if perhaps not worst, first line (in a 750 word piece of only three sentences):

To those persons with Literotica authorly ambitions, writers past, present and potential, scurrilous scribblers of sex, with vast unreasonable expectations of writerly recognition and wanton wishes for immortal fame, yet whose grandiose visions exceed their meager talents by immense margins, who find new and imaginative ways to violate time-honored literary conventions of the language, who recklessly run rampant through natural and normal rules of grammar, employ both clichés with impunity and plots rife with logical inconsistencies, develop character motivations of the flimsiest fabric, sodden prose of the most execrable flavour, stories of repulsive depravity - may you be cursed.

That's the spirit!

 

[PennyThompson]

Thanks for the reminder. Now I have to include my longest, if perhaps not worst, first line (in a 750 word piece of only three sentences):

To those persons with Literotica authorly ambitions, writers past, present and potential, scurrilous scribblers of sex, with vast unreasonable expectations of writerly recognition and wanton wishes for immortal fame, yet whose grandiose visions exceed their meager talents by immense margins, who find new and imaginative ways to violate time-honored literary conventions of the language, who recklessly run rampant through natural and normal rules of grammar, employ both clichés with impunity and plots rife with logical inconsistencies, develop character motivations of the flimsiest fabric, sodden prose of the most execrable flavour, stories of repulsive depravity - may you be cursed.

When Ayn Rand tried her hand at erotic literature

 

[Candy_Kane54]

It was a dark and story night, but then I wasn't talking about the weather outside.

 

[StillStunned]

I've read quite a few books about fiction writing, and there's always the advice to never use adverbs. I've always taken that with a grain of salt - adverbs are part of the English language, and they can serve a purpose if used judiciously. But after I'd written my sentence above, I looked at it and decided it wasn't quite clumsy enough. So I added a smattering of adverbs, and they dragged it down into the depths where it belongs.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

The sun had gone down hours ago and the storm that had been threatening all evening finally broke over us, clawing at the shuttered windows, wanting in, attempting to overcome the heat and light radiating from the fireplace.

 

[MillieDynamite]

She was the best of fucks, she was the worst of fucks, she had a face that would turn a butcher's stomach, she had a body that would give a saint a swollen tongue and dork, she could suck the chrome off a Cadillacs' bumper, she had the worst looking DSL of all time and the worst of worst, I married the fuckin whore.

 

[Duleigh]

I've read quite a few books about fiction writing, and there's always the advice to never use adverbs.

That's really, really good advice!

 

[Belegon]

It was a dark and stormy night, and Charlie Brown's ten inch cock bounced angrily against his belly as he pursued Lucy, who had stolen his pants as well as the football this time, through the London streets that were occasionally Lit by the crack of lightning and the flashes that revealed the white V of Lucy's tanline on her generous ass, a relic of her recent trip to the Virgin Isles where she had left poor Schroeder playing piano in a beach front dive bar.

 

[Duleigh]

The sun had gone down hours ago and the storm that had been threatening all evening finally broke over us, clawing at the shuttered windows, wanting in, attempting to overcome the heat and light radiating from the fireplace.

To be honest I like that, it's a bit long but it's a good description.