The girl who never says no

[Ahlam]

Hello. My name is Ahlam and I have a yes problem.

To most people in my life, I am the accountable one who holds things together. I get things done. I'm always eager to lend a hand. I am a caretaker. I am also submissive, and so I pour myself into serving significant others. I've reached the point where I feel as though I've run out of self to offer to anyone. I'm exhausted. All I want to do is crawl underneath my bed and hide! Unsurprisingly, the Domly types in my life find this unacceptable. I've tried to explain that I have nothing to give and that I need to take a break, but they refuse to believe me and it's creating a conflict. I feel pretty bad about it. I hate hate hate (yes, that is a triple hate) disappointing people.

This may seem like a no-brainer to some of you, so I am posting it here hoping for some kind of an epiphany. Even a small one may help.

How do you say no to persistent Domly types in a manner which allows them to take you seriously without having to actually give them the crazy eye and tell them to fuck off? I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, but I've run out of ideas.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Burnout happens to anyone in any kind of relationship or activity. You probably just need to take a break and re-charge. Your partner in the relationship/activity should, ideally, be understanding and let you take the time you need. Assuming its all consensual, you just need to let them know that you're not available for that kind of thing for a while. You shouldn't need to sugar-coat that, but if it makes you feel better to do so, maybe something like "i feel unworthy of serving you at the moment. i feel worn out, unable to give what i need to. i want to be the best i can be for you, and that requires that i be set aside and allowed to rest for a while." You can come up with details. Maybe agreeing on a set time to return to service, would make it easier, for instance?

I hope that might spark an idea. No one here can know your situation better than you, at most any advice you get here might inspire a good idea of your own. Good luck, and i hope you find a way good way to communicate with your Domly person.



BTW, if it seems like its taking longer to get your interest back than you wish it would, you might want to ask yourself if there isn't some other issue. Losing interest in things can be a sign of depression (though there's a lot more to it than that, and you shouldn't let random strangers on the internet diagnose you).

 

[KoPilot]

Show them this thread.

 

[CutieMouse]

It's called developing healthy boundaries, and protecting yourself (to avoid burnout as much as possible).

If the dominant persons in your life refuse to accept your need to recharge, you may have to decide if they have your best interests at heart. For example, my #1 rule is to take care of myself. My partners believe my emotional, physical, mental, spiritual well being trumps their interest in running things. They have delegated "self-care" to me, accepting that 'no' is 'yes' in a bigger picture sort of way.

If they keep insisting, and you choose to stay in the relationship, the only other option I see is to set boundaries outside the relationship, saving your energy for the dominant.

 

[Ahlam]

...Maybe agreeing on a set time to return to service, would make it easier, for instance?

Good idea! I will try this.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. All valid points. I will consider them.

 

[CBM514]

Hello. My name is Ahlam and I have a yes problem.

To most people in my life, I am the accountable one who holds things together. I get things done. I'm always eager to lend a hand. I am a caretaker. I am also submissive, and so I pour myself into serving significant others. I've reached the point where I feel as though I've run out of self to offer to anyone. I'm exhausted. All I want to do is crawl underneath my bed and hide! Unsurprisingly, the Domly types in my life find this unacceptable. I've tried to explain that I have nothing to give and that I need to take a break, but they refuse to believe me and it's creating a conflict. I feel pretty bad about it. I hate hate hate (yes, that is a triple hate) disappointing people.

This may seem like a no-brainer to some of you, so I am posting it here hoping for some kind of an epiphany. Even a small one may help.

How do you say no to persistent Domly types in a manner which allows them to take you seriously without having to actually give them the crazy eye and tell them to fuck off? I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, but I've run out of ideas.

Just my suggestion...I would encourage you to find ways to do things for and take care of your self first...then you can better give to others more fully...no matter how selfless and subservient your nature may be, you still have needs and leaving them unmet for too long isn't healthy...so if someone else can't meet that for you it is ok to for you to do it yourself and draw a limit as to when you are "available" again for them...

 

[Oubliette123]

Along time ago, when I divorced my childrens father I wanted so much to make things as easy for them as possible. My ex husband is an alcoholic and I tried my hardest to shield the children from this whilst trying to keep the relationship civil for their sake. At one point I was so worn down with it all I sought help from an organisation that deals with children of alcoholics. I spoke to a wonderful lady who surprised me by asking how I was. I explained this was about the children not me and she hit me with the following analogy;

'Imagine you are in an aeroplane and its going to crash. The air pressure goes down and the oxygen masks are activated. In order to help the person next to you, you MUST first give yourself oxygen'

Certainly made me think about the way I like to help others, sometimes at my own detriment.

 

[Primalex]

How do you say no to persistent Domly types in a manner which allows them to take you seriously without having to actually give them the crazy eye and tell them to fuck off? I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, but I've run out of ideas.

I don't think there is a need for subtle hints when dealing with domly types.

Get a plate, say what you want to say, throw plate at him, ask if he pays attention now, because it is important what you are saying, repeat what you were saying.

 

[JMohegan]

Hello. My name is Ahlam and I have a yes problem.

To most people in my life, I am the accountable one who holds things together. I get things done. I'm always eager to lend a hand. I am a caretaker. I am also submissive, and so I pour myself into serving significant others. I've reached the point where I feel as though I've run out of self to offer to anyone. I'm exhausted. All I want to do is crawl underneath my bed and hide! Unsurprisingly, the Domly types in my life find this unacceptable. I've tried to explain that I have nothing to give and that I need to take a break, but they refuse to believe me and it's creating a conflict. I feel pretty bad about it. I hate hate hate (yes, that is a triple hate) disappointing people.

This may seem like a no-brainer to some of you, so I am posting it here hoping for some kind of an epiphany. Even a small one may help.

How do you say no to persistent Domly types in a manner which allows them to take you seriously without having to actually give them the crazy eye and tell them to fuck off? I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, but I've run out of ideas.

Are you in committed relationships with these "Domly types", or are you talking about friends, colleagues, co-workers, or just random fucks here? And how many?

 

[Felonious1]

Hello. My name is Ahlam and I have a yes problem.

To most people in my life, I am the accountable one who holds things together. I get things done. I'm always eager to lend a hand. I am a caretaker. I am also submissive, and so I pour myself into serving significant others. I've reached the point where I feel as though I've run out of self to offer to anyone. I'm exhausted. All I want to do is crawl underneath my bed and hide! Unsurprisingly, the Domly types in my life find this unacceptable. I've tried to explain that I have nothing to give and that I need to take a break, but they refuse to believe me and it's creating a conflict. I feel pretty bad about it. I hate hate hate (yes, that is a triple hate) disappointing people.

This may seem like a no-brainer to some of you, so I am posting it here hoping for some kind of an epiphany. Even a small one may help.

How do you say no to persistent Domly types in a manner which allows them to take you seriously without having to actually give them the crazy eye and tell them to fuck off? I don't want to be disrespectful to anyone, but I've run out of ideas.

Your submissive, serving/pleasing nature is what's preventing you from being assertive and not taking your limitations into account by pulling back when you've already proclaimed that you're nearing the breaking point by continually placing the needs of others over your own core needs of self-sustainment. Allowing others to hold you to unrealistic expectations borders on self-sabotage, as the 1st responsibility anyone should have is in regards to themselves.

Trying to be everything to everyone isn't always possible. One can very well wind up being nothing to nobody, including themselves, if such things aren't put in check. Which isn't going to happen until YOU make it very clear regarding your limitations and boundaries.

Domly, types who attempt to hold others to unrealistic expectations in general, only set the stage for frustration all around. If the others can't accept your limitations and continue to attempt to hold you to unrealistic expectations, I'd have to say its an indicator of a compatibility issue on the behalf of the domly/over-entitled ones.

JMO

 

[theGM26]

It's called developing healthy boundaries, and protecting yourself (to avoid burnout as much as possible).

If the dominant persons in your life refuse to accept your need to recharge, you may have to decide if they have your best interests at heart. For example, my #1 rule is to take care of myself. My partners believe my emotional, physical, mental, spiritual well being trumps their interest in running things. They have delegated "self-care" to me, accepting that 'no' is 'yes' in a bigger picture sort of way.

If they keep insisting, and you choose to stay in the relationship, the only other option I see is to set boundaries outside the relationship, saving your energy for the dominant.

This. Many people are of the wrong opinion that the dom's are in control of the relationship. Its really the subs. I read a quote once that went something like A sub will drag themselves through shit get spanked and twist their nipples and then get themselves ready to follow orders again, but when they say no the dom has nothing they can do about it. When they say no and mean no.

Yeah, I butchered that quote do not yell at me.

 

[Primalex]

This. Many people are of the wrong opinion that the dom's are in control of the relationship.

Well, as many think the subs are in control.

Its really the subs.

See.


The whole point of a relationship is that both choose to be in there. Both.

 

[theGM26]

Well, as many think the subs are in control.



See.


The whole point of a relationship is that both choose to be in there. Both.

This is very true....

 

[Amanda83]

I have the same problem. My boss loves me for the fact I never tell her no. But really sometimes it is more powering to say noo.
My friend told me to look in a mirror and say it over and over and I still as yet haven't been able too.

But saying no I feel like it will hurt the other person so I rather just suck it up and do it.

 

[Netzach]

From the other side of the coin, maybe your folks are just less altruistic than I am and score higher on the Dom o meter or something, but it's sometimes hard to be on the other side of the relationship with someone when you know that "no" is very grudging, very hard for them - you start to ask yourself if they'd really rather not, and if you're well trained to feel a lot of guilt, you start feeling it. I find myself explaining, in situations where it doesn't really matter to me:

-no really, feel free to say "no I can't" or "fuck off" or whatever.

I guess my point is that, are they really that into your tendencies this way because it benefits them and as long as you're busting ass to serve, who cares? That's one way to run a relationship, sure.

But if they're finding it "unacceptable" for you to withdraw a little because they're worried about your meltdownishness at this stage, and they're more like being good but annoying extrovert friends trying to pull you out and feel like they're helping with your depression (argh) then you may have to explain yourself and take ownership of how you get to process your emotional life.

M explained it to me well one day, like you'd explain it to a stupid selfish child:

I am a cellphone. If you don't let me recharge, I am not going to work for you.

 

[Ahlam]

Thank you all for the continued responses. All very helpful.

I told several people, not only Domly types, to ''get bent'' this weekend. Most of them stared at me as if I had coughed up a hamster, but I think they are taking me seriously (finally). Now that things are simplified, I can focus on recharging and reorganizing priorities.

 

[Booklove]

Even if they are domly types, are they not still human? I'm not sure I would be comfortable around a Dom that doesn't believe me when I say I need to recharge. In the bedroom or out of it, a safe word or just your word should always be enough.

 

[gabriel16]

Great thread - interesting topic

Great thread -- the title says it all.

G

 

[Ahlam]

It's a challenge for me, not only in my sex life but in everything else. If someone asks me to do something and I am able to, I will usually agree to it even if I don't want to. This results in me taking on more tasks and responsibilities than I should and it creates a precedent that has proven difficult to overcome. I might have always made time to do 'x' or 'y,' so why won't I do it now? People, especially Domly types, are incredulous of the seemingly sudden change of heart. I can't really blame them, but "no means no" and all that rot.

Since telling various people to get bent, I'm feeling much better and I'm looking for more things to cut out of my life. Snip snip!

 

[KoPilot]

Glad you're learning how to establish healthy boundaries. I always tell people in this situation-- if you can't figure out how to do it for yourself, see if you can do it for the other people in your life first. These kinds of situations and behaviors very much have the potential to hurt others too.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Healthy or not, for me often saying No can feel like more of an effort and burden than the more fluid response of compliance. This is especially true the more tired I get. Appropriate or not, the relationships that understand and honor this about me are just far more sustainable.

This concept of healthy boundaries is definitely a more intense study of mine of late. I am learning that the relationships where the burden of No is balanced feels like healthy and playful growth. The connections that require me to carry most of the No seem to zap my resources faster than anything else. The places where I carry less No however, seems to be a place of rest and renewal that a deeper part of me seems to long for. I think I am finally starting to understand why.

That said, I struggle still to figure out if this is something I should work to internally change, or if it is a lesson of just needing to use this self preserving need as a filter when selecting my more or even most intimate company.

Ahlam, I strain with you calling this a problem. How can I label this a "problem" when it is clear that this is for some an attractive attribute?

 

[Keroin]

Glad you're learning how to establish healthy boundaries. I always tell people in this situation-- if you can't figure out how to do it for yourself, see if you can do it for the other people in your life first. These kinds of situations and behaviors very much have the potential to hurt others too.

Exactly. When I look back on my early years, I see a trail of damage done to others because of my inability to set boundaries and say no. I thought I was helping. I was doing the opposite of helping.

No gets easier with practice.

Also, it helped to look at how I felt when people said a "polite" no to me. Did my world fall apart? Nope. Did I hate them? Nope. In fact, just the opposite. I had more trust and respect for people who could be that honest with me, which made me realize I wanted other people to feel the same trust and respect for me.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Exactly. When I look back on my early years, I see a trail of damage done to others because of my inability to set boundaries and say no. I thought I was helping. I was doing the opposite of helping.

No gets easier with practice.

Also, it helped to look at how I felt when people said a "polite" no to me. Did my world fall apart? Nope. Did I hate them? Nope. In fact, just the opposite. I had more trust and respect for people who could be that honest with me, which made me realize I wanted other people to feel the same trust and respect for me.

This is really nutritious food for thought. Thanks K.

 

[KoPilot]

Healthy or not, for me often saying No can feel like more of an effort and burden than the more fluid response of compliance. This is especially true the more tired I get. Appropriate or not, the relationships that understand and honor this about me are just far more sustainable.

This concept of healthy boundaries is definitely a more intense study of mine of late. I am learning that the relationships where the burden of No is balanced feels like healthy and playful growth. The connections that require me to carry most of the No seem to zap my resources faster than anything else. The places where I carry less No however, seems to be a place of rest and renewal that a deeper part of me seems to long for. I think I am finally starting to understand why.

That said, I struggle still to figure out if this is something I should work to internally change, or if it is a lesson of just needing to use this self preserving need as a filter when selecting my more or even most intimate company.

Ahlam, I strain with you calling this a problem. How can I label this a "problem" when it is clear that this is for some an attractive attribute?

I told S that while I could say no, and I could say it firmly and with conviction, I didn't want to.

I don't think most people, in their heart of hearts, like negating, denying, and disagreeing with others. Wouldn't we all prefer to be in relationships where everything was smooth sailing and they could predict what's agreeable to you down to a tee? It's not realistic though.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I told S that while I could say no, and I could say it firmly and with conviction, I didn't want to.

I don't think most people, in their heart of hearts, like negating, denying, and disagreeing with others. Wouldn't we all prefer to be in relationships where everything was smooth sailing and they could predict what's agreeable to you down to a tee? It's not realistic though.

Agreed that this would just be the ideal. I guess for me it's a range and the more No I have to express out of ACTUAL self preservation the shorter my shelf life in the realtionship. I suppose though, that would simply be the symptom of a "bad fit" wouldn't it?