The First Line (writers thread!)

[yui]

All the better. I prefer to scare off the straights from the first. At least, that's my stated reason for beginning a work of erotic fiction with twelve lines of Anglo-Saxon poetry. It's not just incompetence. Honest.

Shanglan

Your poetry is perfect and anyone who would be put off by it certainly doesn't deserve the gift of your story. You condensed your back-story down to a finely drawn, beautifully crafted piece of art. What you write, how you write, is head and withers above anything out there.

 

[BlackShanglan]

For once, speechless.



Shanglan

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Your poetry is perfect and anyone who would be put off by it certainly doesn't deserve the gift of your story. You condensed your back-story down to a finely drawn, beautifully crafted piece of art. What you write, how you write, is head and withers above anything out there.


Originally posted by BlackShanglan
For once, speechless.

Shanglan

YUI for United Nations Secretary General, US President, AH Best Newbie (oh yeah, she's already the big one)

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Couture]

“You still trying to seduce my husband?” Mrs. Anderson whispered. “I thought I told you to fill up those cups with ice?”

 

[Guest]

"One week."

That's it. The entirity of the first sentence of a novel I started on this week.

The next sentence is...

"What can happen in a week?"

 

[carsonshepherd]

"One week."

That's it. The entirity of the first sentence of a novel I started on this week.

The next sentence is...

"What can happen in a week?"

Ooo, that sounds good.

 

[Guest]

Ooo, that sounds good.

Cheers, mate!

I do like a hook.

No so good for the main character, love her, she's only got a week to live.

 

[NoJo]

Cheers, mate!

I do like a hook.

No so good for the main character, love her, she's only got a week to live.

Shit, that's only, what, 700 orgasms or so?

 

[Lonely Knight]

The light from the scattered street lamps reflects eerily on the puddles that have formed in the pothole filled street, while at the same time, creating a luminescence in the darkness as it refracts through each drop of rain as it falls and joins those already amassed below.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

 

[Boota]

"One week."

That's it. The entirity of the first sentence of a novel I started on this week.

The next sentence is...

"What can happen in a week?"

I like that. Short and sweet and it draws you in.

My novel starts out, "1985. Great fucking year." I was going for the same idea.

 

[Guest]

Shit, that's only, what, 700 orgasms or so?

Yeah, if it's the "red" week.

 

[Guest]

I like that. Short and sweet and it draws you in.

My novel starts out, "1985. Great fucking year." I was going for the same idea.

Cheers, Boota.

Yep, yours has exactly the same effect.

I almost always tend to do something like that, probably because it's what I prefer, as a reader. I often lead in with dialogue, too. I find nothing worse than the first sentence being a long, complex one, which I have to work hard to digest and often trip over.

Lou

 

[gauchecritic]

I find nothing worse than the first sentence being a long, complex one, which I have to work hard to digest and often trip over.

Lou

Obviously not an Ogbuster but do you mean this sort Lou?


As the day grew hotter and my temper shorter I noticed three things as I pulled on my third shirt of the morning: 1; I was running out of shirts, 2; the breeze blowing my curtains aside was warmer than the shower I'd just taken and 3; She was watching me again.

 

[neonlyte]

You have to go a long way to beat Richard Curtis and the first sentence to Three Weddings and a Funeral.

"Fuck."

*Looks at clock"

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. *shakes clock* Fuck."

May be one too many fucks in there.

 

[Guest]

Obviously not an Ogbuster but do you mean this sort Lou?


As the day grew hotter and my temper shorter I noticed three things as I pulled on my third shirt of the morning: 1; I was running out of shirts, 2; the breeze blowing my curtains aside was warmer than the shower I'd just taken and 3; She was watching me again.

No, I can't say that gave me any problems (apart from the words three and third at the beginning, which jolted me a little and made me re-read).

But, that sentence grabbed me. It's the final segment that did it. I think it piqued the exhibitionist in me.

Oh, and I wrote a 654 word sentence once. Og threw down the gauntlet.

 

[Boota]

You have to go a long way to beat Richard Curtis and the first sentence to Three Weddings and a Funeral.

"Fuck."

*Looks at clock"

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. *shakes clock* Fuck."

May be one too many fucks in there.

I don't believe it's possible to have too many fucks. I wrote a song once that said fuck in the chorus seventeen times. For some strange reason the radio stations refused to play it.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I prefer the finesse approach to "fuck." For example, I always admired the Dead Kennedys for making the title of the song "Too Drunk to Fuck" one of the least offensive images in it. It shows a certain love of a challenge.

Shanglan

 

[NoJo]

Yeah, if it's the "red" week.

You're filthy. That's it. Period.

 

[Guest]

You're filthy. That's it. Period.

Says the man displaying a cunt in his AV.

Anyway, I prefer the term "on".

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Cheers, Boota.

I almost always tend to do something like that, probably because it's what I prefer, as a reader. I often lead in with dialogue, too. I find nothing worse than the first sentence being a long, complex one, which I have to work hard to digest and often trip over.

Lou

Tatelou,

Just curious. Do you think this opening paragraph from my Lit Romance story "Special Photo" would read better if the long, first sentence were broken into three sentences? The parenthetical marks (ns) indicate where I'd probably start new sentences.

Sensual and seductive, she lay amid the rumpled sheets of the bed where we'd just made love, relaxed and at ease within the golden skin of her petite, perfect body;(ns) not posing, not looking into the camera so much as through it, into the photographer, into me, (ns) waiting with an expression of amused tolerance for me to finish and rejoin her. It was a special photo of a special lady.

Anyone else who feels so moved is welcome, even encouraged, to toss in their sage thoughts.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[BlackShanglan]

Sensual and seductive, she lay amid the rumpled sheets of the bed where we'd just made love, relaxed and at ease within the golden skin of her petite, perfect body;(ns) not posing, not looking into the camera so much as through it, into the photographer, into me, (ns) waiting with an expression of amused tolerance for me to finish and rejoin her. It was a special photo of a special lady.

Just to be a complete and utter bastard about it (please do throw orange peels at the horse), I wouldn't use that first semicolon, and I would not make what follows a sentence of its own either. It is a sentence fragment. Yes, I know, sentence fragments can be used for effect. I use them myself. But that one doesn't strike me as a strong choice.

(But then I've already been accused of making "frustrated schoolteacher" comments, so do feel free to frag me utterly.)

Shanglan

Shanglan

 

[carsonshepherd]

Sensual and seductive, she lay amid the rumpled sheets of the bed where we'd just made love, relaxed and at ease within the golden skin of her petite, perfect body;(ns) not posing, not looking into the camera so much as through it, into the photographer, into me, (ns) waiting with an expression of amused tolerance for me to finish and rejoin her. It was a special photo of a special lady.

She lay amidst the sheets, rumpled from our lovemaking; her sensual and seductive smile looked not at the camera but at the one behind it, me. Relaxed and at ease, she waited with amused tolerance for me to finish my spontaneous photography session and rejoin her. I simply couldn't resist recording this moment on film: a special photo of a special lady.

 

[Guest]

Tatelou,

Just curious. Do you think this opening paragraph from my Lit Romance story "Special Photo" would read better if the long, first sentence were broken into three sentences? The parenthetical marks (ns) indicate where I'd probably start new sentences.

Sensual and seductive, she lay amid the rumpled sheets of the bed where we'd just made love, relaxed and at ease within the golden skin of her petite, perfect body;(ns) not posing, not looking into the camera so much as through it, into the photographer, into me, (ns) waiting with an expression of amused tolerance for me to finish and rejoin her. It was a special photo of a special lady.

Anyone else who feels so moved is welcome, even encouraged, to toss in their sage thoughts.

Rumple Foreskin

Erm, that's a toughie (bloody honoured you asked my opinion, btw!).

It reads ok as it is. I think it works that way because, at the end of the paragraph, you have that very short, contrasting sentence. Also, the flow of the long one was good, and I didn't stumble or stutter with it.

IF I were to alter it in any way, I'd be tempted to put a new sentence in after "we'd just made love". Somehow, the way it's worded, it just feels there should be more of a break there. But, I wouldn't put one in after "perfect body". However, I might be slightly tempted to put one in after "into me".

But, it's your baby! My opinion is just that.

Lou

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Just to be a complete and utter bastard about it (please to throw orange peels at the horse), I wouldn't use that first semicolon, and I would not make what follows a sentence of its own either. It is a sentence fragment. Yes, I know, sentence fragments can be used for effect. I use them myself. But that one doesn't strike me as a strong choice.

(But then I've already been accused of making "frustrated schoolteacher" comments, so do feel free to frag me utterly.)

Shanglan

Shanglan

Good points, Professor Shanglan. I lean toward short sentences and short paragraphs. But, with this sucker, I've been going back and forth for ages.

Rumple Foreskin