The First Line (writers thread!)

[BlackShanglan]

Just don't follow the same high standard of proofreading I applied to that post

Shanglan

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Erm, that's a toughie (bloody honoured you asked my opinion, btw!).

It reads ok as it is. I think it works that way because, at the end of the paragraph, you have that very short, contrasting sentence. Also, the flow of the long one was good, and I didn't stumble or stutter with it.

IF I were to alter it in any way, I'd be tempted to put a new sentence in after "we'd just made love". Somehow, the way it's worded, it just feels there should be more of a break there. But, I wouldn't put one in after "perfect body". However, I might be slightly tempted to put one in after "into me".

But, it's your baby! My opinion is just that.

Lou

Erm, that's a toughie (bloody honoured you asked my opinion, btw!).

RF: It's your fault. Your quote got me to thinking. That's a rare feat and a real achievement.

Thanks, Lou. This is such a subjective area and I do appreciate your time and thoughts. I sense a growing groundswell of opinion that I should let well enough alone and not chop up that long sentence.

Rumple Foreskin .

 

[carsonshepherd]

RF: It's your fault. Your quote got me to thinking. That's a rare feat and a real achievement.

Thanks, Lou. This is such a subjective area and I do appreciate your time and thoughts. I sense a growing groundswell of opinion that I should let well enough alone and not chop up that long sentence.

Rumple Foreskin .

Check mine. I'd chop. But it's yours and yours works on an evocative level - just, to me, could be clearer.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

She lay amidst the sheets, rumpled from our lovemaking; her sensual and seductive smile looked not at the camera but at the one behind it, me. Relaxed and at ease, she waited with amused tolerance for me to finish my spontaneous photography session and rejoin her. I simply couldn't resist recording this moment on film: a special photo of a special lady.

Carson,

Since you already know I consider you a fine writer, I feel safe in saying I don't believe that was one of your better efforts. For one thing, and IMHO, "rumpled" sounds like it refers to the gal, not the sheets. Of course, the important thing isn't grammar and punctuation exercises, but that you showed me a different way to use shorter sentences.

Thanks Carson.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[carsonshepherd]

True, I caught that about the rumpled sheets afterward. I like shorter sentences myself, but I like reading long and complex sentences that are well-executed.

The only thing that bothered me about yours was the rhythm of the adjectives. Sensual and seductive - relaxed and at ease - petite and perfect. A bit jumpy on my ear, to where I almost wanted them split up. But like I said, evocative.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Check mine. I'd chop. But it's yours and yours works on an evocative level - just, to me, could be clearer.

I should have mentioned this is a Romance category story. As you indicated, they proably need a more evocative feel than ones I've used in other categories, such as:

Incest: Horny and half-naked, Randi Druitt stood in the open door and studied her kid brother. Some kid.

Non-Erotic: The ear-splitting explosion was followed by loud shouts.

and that gem from Loving Wives: Donna Faircloth was getting gloriously fucked.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Guest]