The Emerson Sexual Advice Thread

[Bookishleigh]

Dear Emerson,

It was brought to light in another thread that I am gay. This is news to me. I'm not sure how to proceed from here. How does the gay sex happen? If I finger a girl do I have to use my fingers? I don't like getting my hands dirty. Is a spatula a suitable substitute?

Signed,

http://31.media.tumblr.com/1ca6f798c6bc94d650cba271efbcdfbd/tumblr_mxuc9aYS3Z1soljxao1_500.gif

 

[removed9556]

 

[Emerson40]

Dear Emerson,

I plan to have a lady over to visit this weekend. What sort of wine goes good with beanie weenies and potato chips? Also, is it ok to share a sleeping bag on a first date bro?

Stew

Dear St. Pookie Bro,

I would suggest a modestly priced Chardonnay. Ideally, a bottle in a new, crisp paper sack. Avoid boxed vintages on first dates, if possible. Beenie weenies transform Chardonnay into Chardon-YAY!, and the cool, crisp brightness of wine balances well with the saltiness of the chips. It also pairs beautifully with Trailer Park Boys marathons, Indian leg wrestling, Iron Maiden's Live After Death double live album (on vinyl), and post-embarrassing story mascara-stained cheeks.

Be sure to splurge for the ripple chips, especially if you care for this lady. Your thoughtfulness will not go unnoticed.

Sharing a sleeping bag on the first date is not generally a problem, but you may want to reconsider your main course. Unless the two of you met on the Dutch Oven Fetishist Forum on OK Cupid, you may find you are the unfortunate recipient of some unsolicited Gordie Howe-like elbow shots to your torso, during the night.

You're good to go bro!


Em

 

[Stewart_Pidd]

Dear St. Pookie Bro,

I would suggest a modestly priced Chardonnay. Ideally, a bottle in a new, crisp paper sack. Avoid boxed vintages on first dates, if possible. Beenie weenies transform Chardonnay into Chardon-YAY!, and the cool, crisp brightness of wine balances well with the saltiness of the chips. It also pairs beautifully with Trailer Park Boys marathons, Indian leg wrestling, Iron Maiden's Live After Death double live album (on vinyl), and post-embarrassing story mascara-stained cheeks.

Be sure to splurge for the ripple chips, especially if you care for this lady. Your thoughtfulness will not go unnoticed.

Sharing a sleeping bag on the first date is not generally a problem, but you may want to reconsider your main course. Unless the two of you met on the Dutch Oven Fetishist Forum on OK Cupid, you may find you are the unfortunate recipient of some unsolicited Gordie Howe-like elbow shots to your torso, during the night.

You're good to go bro!


Em

Thank you!

I got a Chardonnay from a winery called Felcher Farm. Should be good right?

I also got the good brand of beanie weenies, the kind with salted pork. And some Ruffles, sour cream and onion.

for the sleeping bag, I lined it with plastic wrap. Love, love, love your dutch oven idea. Hopefully during cuddle time and watching Road House on Netflix, we'll get some good chemistry going in that sleeping bag.

thanks for the advice bro!

Stew

 

[Lyricalli]

My question is twofold

Is it just me, or does that question seem to have more than two folds?

 

[butters]

dear emerson,

forgot what i wanted to ask

that's age for you

will keep reading in case i remember



yours sincerely
ms greasy cowjuice thingy

 

[Palamino19]

Dear Emerson,

I recently met a girl at an MRA meeting. I really liked her, but no matter how often I brought up male rape, she wouldn't fuck me. What's wrong with the bitch?

Sincerely,

Ed from Redditt

 

[Emerson40]

Dear Emerson,

It was brought to light in another thread that I am gay. This is news to me. I'm not sure how to proceed from here. How does the gay sex happen? If I finger a girl do I have to use my fingers? I don't like getting my hands dirty. Is a spatula a suitable substitute?

Signed,

http://31.media.tumblr.com/1ca6f798c6bc94d650cba271efbcdfbd/tumblr_mxuc9aYS3Z1soljxao1_500.gif

Dear Kissin' & Boob Caressin’ GIF,

I wouldn’t place much stock in what posters who don’t know you, say.
I know a fella who insists I’m fifty years old, obese, and have a weenie-peni, none of which is true. I pay no heed to these hysterical comments, and the people that matter know the truth.

As far as how to proceed, your best course of action is to just be you. Practitioners in the delicate art of gay girl sex have a keen sense as to whether or not you are actually gay, or just one of those ‘I’m just experimenting with the gay’ types (usually seen during college years, or after a long night of ridiculous drinking, following an unpleasant breakup of a long-term relationship / marriage), and will invite you to a scissoring sisterhood rendezvous if they think you have a genuine predisposition for the poohnannie.

Given your uncertainty, I wouldn’t suggest you actively go looking for the gay sex. At least not until you are sure.

The gay sex generally happens the same as straight sex and will find you, usually after sharing a bottle or two of zinfandel with another woman who is gay, or curious about the gay sex. One minute you’ll be discussing the upcoming election and the sneak peek at next Spring’s clothing designs in latest Elle magazine, the next you have a handful of tit and you both are sucking vadge like you would the best tasting, thickest strawberry milkshake through a narrow straw.

Of course you need to use your finger’s when fingering a girl. There is no ‘BANG’ in fingerbang, without fingers.

And no, a spatula is not a suitable substitute. A spatula is something you could introduce when you are having the gay sex with the same someone a third or fourth time. Keep it in mind for when you and your lady friend are clad in your sexy pyjamas, playfully baking in the kitchen and the spontaneous gay sex happens. Yeah, spatula can come out then. For sure.

Feel free to record any encounters you may experience with media capturing devices. I would be happy to review these and offer further opinion and elaboration.


Em

 

[Emerson40]

Dear Emerson,

My car was covered in a web of shining dewdrops this morning, and her midnight blue skin shone like a thousand cherubim. I found myself lusting after her as rarely before. My question is twofold:

1) Having spent around £700 on her in the last few weeks (tyres, service, bodywork), can I assume consent for a little exhaust pipe fumbling? I mean, that's an expensive date, and I understand as a white male I am entitled to feel entitled in such a sitation?


2) Once you have shouted yes in ringing approval to the above question, I want to know about lube. I have Castrol Edge Professional, which I am told lowers friction and helps absorb the shock she will undoubtedly feel as I tentatively introduce myself to her workings - but is this special enough? Ought I to seek out some water-based version? I don't want to add to her oxidisation problems.

3) I was horrified to discover, in her diary locked away in a private drawer she clearly hoped I would never find, that she had been 'owned' by two men previously (is this some BDSM thing?). She writes of the way they drove her hard, and even introduced her to other men. Ought I to raise this with her - or should I let sleeping valves lie?

Yours, awkwardly autophiliac,

Des Esseintes.

Dear Des Esseintes,

Men are generally visual creatures, and it is easy to understand how an image such as the one you described could ignite those primal synapses in the Reticular Activating System of your brain.
Glistening beads of water on the deep blue, curvy body, reflecting and playful refraction of the soft dawn light... in the morning stillness you could almost imagine that you walked in on this sexy machine, reposing peacefully on her four globular wheels, and only refrain from placing your hand on her bonnet to feel the idling beat of the pistons so as to not wake her, and squander a precious moment.

Before you can properly address your questions though, you need to ask yourself why you are lusting after her now, like never before.
Has something happened recently in your life that has you waxxing poetic for your sexy automobile?

Mechanophillia is not common, but with the advent of the internet the small community of mechanphilliacs are becoming more open and forthcoming about their penchant for a purring catalytic converter. From what I’ve read, relationships with machines can be exhausting, especially from the standpoint of upkeep and dealing with all the emissions and needed mechanical prophylactics, when compared to traditional, human relationships.
You should also know that mechanophillia is considered a crime in the the United Kingdom, and a call to the authorities from a passing motorist or curious neighbour investigating the squeal of ball joints could earn you a place on the sex offenders’ register.

On to your questions.
No, throwing on some winter treads does not imply consent to wrench on the exhaust pipe or penetrate any ports, any more than paying for dinner, a bottle of plonk, and West End theatre tickets grants you all access to the petals behind the knickers. Price does not change any of this either, so maybe next time just grab those Billy Elliot tickets at TKTS.

Castrol EDGE Professional sounds like a great lube and your sexy car should respond well to it. Not only is it used almost exclusively for OEM new vehicle dealerships, it is also boosted with Titanium FST, which doubles the strength of the lube, and is the lube of choice for car FSTers everywhere.

As to the diary, yes, you should let sleeping valves lie. Some guys think their cars come from the factory broken in, able to handle the demands of high rpms, respond smoothly to downshifts as you overtake on the right, and hug the lines in curves without drifting. All with 3 or 4 kilometers on the speedometer. But the reality is no car just comes like this. It is through the experience of the first couple thousand kilometers - whether it is your hands on her wheel, or another’s - that she learns to be a kitten in the Tesco lot, and a tiger on the M25.


Em

 

[Radiohead]

Ok, that made me subscribe.

 

[sharingfantasies]

Fermina_Daza I want to thank you for starting this thread and Emerson for responding with such humor. This is the best thread I have seen in a very long time. So thank you to both of you.

 

[Emerson40]

Is it just me, or does that question seem to have more than two folds?

It is not just you.


That one was verging on origami.

 

[Saint Peter]

The spatula is not a substitute.

The spatula is an enabler.

 

[Emerson40]

Dear Emerson,

I recently met a girl at an MRA meeting. I really liked her, but no matter how often I brought up male rape, she wouldn't fuck me. What's wrong with the bitch?

Sincerely,

Ed from Redditt

Dear Red Dick Ed,

Rape isn't sex, or about sex.
Or funny. Rape isn't funny either.

If you encountered a woman at an MRA meeting, it was likely a cop, collecting your details and photo, to be used in future sexual assault photo-lineup cards / perp six-packs.

If you want to see if the MRA is right for you, read some posts from this guy or this guy. Both are fine examples of what the MRA can do for you.


Em

 

[jezzilee]

Dear Em,

Recently I was told that I am not only multi orgasmic, but also mult~personalitied as well! My question is this?

If my multiples have multiples how will I know when the real me is multipling? And I know how intense my multiples get. If my multiples have multiples, could this actually kill me?

sincerely,

Multiplicity

 

[Hashfag45]

I still want to talk to Ms E about shoving jalapenos up Emerson's sexy tight butt. I know that back in the homeland, my father would stuff (we called them) "paki peppers" into my anus and the spices gave me an erection. That's beside the point, I need to tell Ms E about my crush on her husband and would like to have a MMF encounter with them.

2. I'm not crazy. It's perfectly normal for a stranger to demand to talk to somebody's spouse about their behavior. I deserve it because I have such low self esteem that I feel I must cast my moral judgement upon anyone who is dumb enough to listen to me,

3. So what if I'm stupid and hated by everyone?

4. So what if I have no real life connections with another human being outside of Lit?

5. I will not do a video call because then I will be outed for being a man and for stealing that fat lady's pictures for my avatar. Besides, if I show my face, then the world will know who I am and I am so important that I could lose my job at the Quik-E-mart.

 

[Adjudicator]

I did not catch the name before I started reading that!

 

[hashtag45]

I still want to talk to Ms E about shoving jalapenos up Emerson's sexy tight butt. I know that back in the homeland, my father would stuff (we called them) "paki peppers" into my anus and the spices gave me an erection. That's beside the point, I need to tell Ms E about my crush on her husband and would like to have a MMF encounter with them.

2. I'm not crazy. It's perfectly normal for a stranger to demand to talk to somebody's spouse about their behavior. I deserve it because I have such low self esteem that I feel I must cast my moral judgement upon anyone who is dumb enough to listen to me,

3. So what if I'm stupid and hated by everyone?

4. So what if I have no real life connections with another human being outside of Lit?

5. I will not do a video call because then I will be outed for being a man and for stealing that fat lady's pictures for my avatar. Besides, if I show my face, then the world will know who I am and I am so important that I could lose my job at the Quik-E-mart.

Now That mocks 86, more than it mocks me.

Keep going, Disgustipated.

 

[Hashfag45]

CUM ON MY FOREHEAD!​

 

[Adjudicator]

Now That mocks 86, more than it mocks me.

Keep going, Disgustipated.

It does not.

Would you be interested in some remedial reading instruction? Are there tutors near you, praps at the uni or library?

 

[hashtag45]

It does not.

Would you be interested in some remedial reading instruction? Are there tutors near you, praps at the uni or library?

No doofus, I live in redneck county. Do you think I would spend so much time with the likes of you assholes otherwise?

 

[Bookishleigh]

It does not.

Would you be interested in some remedial reading instruction? Are there tutors near you, praps at the uni or library?

And I love how the Hashfag45 alt posts exactly like another alt that trolls Hashtag; however, instead of making THAT connection Hashy accuses someone else of creating the alt.

I'm starting to think we're all just one person....the GB against Hash.

It's like living in the Matrix around this place.

 

[hashtag45]

And I love how the Hashfag45 alt posts exactly like another alt that trolls Hashtag; however, instead of making THAT connection Hashy accuses someone else of creating the alt.

I'm starting to think we're all just one person....the GB against Hash.

It's like living in the Matrix around this place.

It's not your boyfriend, that much I know.
It's either Adjudicator, or SlobDownSouth.
I just threw it in there to see what reactions I'd get.

 

[Emerson40]

I am Spartacus!

 

[Adjudicator]

No doofus, I live in redneck county. Do you think I would spend so much time with the likes of you assholes otherwise?

Yes. As sad as that is, I suspect you are finished trying for a life outside of lit.

And I love how the Hashfag45 alt posts exactly like another alt that trolls Hashtag; however, instead of making THAT connection Hashy accuses someone else of creating the alt.

I'm starting to think we're all just one person....the GB against Hash.

It's like living in the Matrix around this place.

I think that means query is responsible for hash, with past behavior being an indicator of current and future behavior and all.