The Blasphemy Thread

[ll74]

Post your best sacrilegious joke here.

My start is tame

The fastest way to start an argument isn't politics—it's asking three religious people to explain what your god "obviously" meant.

 

[ll74]

Still my favorite explanation of religion ever:

 

[Bray123]

 

[Bray123]

 

[Hel_Books]

They always thank Jesus for the winning touchdown.

Why don't you ever see a receiver, who FAILED to catch the ball, say, "I would have made the winning touchdown, except Jesus made me miss!"

 

[Hel_Books]

A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down.

Scout Leader "There aren't enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!"

Lawyer "Fuck the children!"

Priest "Do you think there's time?"

 

[Hel_Books]

A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"They're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.

The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.

A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again. "And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" he asked.

"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied the girl.

"But... I thought you said they were Christian kittens?" responded the preacher, concerned over the sudden change.

"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

 

[Hel_Books]

A Catholic priest, a child molester and a liar walks into a bar.

The barkeep throws a glance and says "You're the first person in here tonight".

 

[Hel_Books]

Next time someone asks you if you have found jesus: "Have you found Jesus?" "Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."

 

[Hel_Books]

Jesus walks into an Inn. He tosses three nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

[Hel_Books]

I travel to work on a train every day, the train is always full when I get on and I end up praying to God that I'll find a seat. It never works. I'm always standing.

However today I got on the packed train and prayed loudly to Allah, I got the whole train to myself.

Which is the better God?

 

[Hel_Books]

Q. Who would win a fight between god and Captain Kirk?

A. Captain Kirk, because god is not real.

 

[Hel_Books]

Thinking of The Walking Dead. If Jesus returns, he must be shot in the head.

 

[glamorilla]

I prayed for trump to win.

It worked.

 

[Hel_Books]

I prayed for trump to win.

It worked.

That's the best joke so far!

 

[ll74]

I prayed for trump to win.

It worked.

Did it work in 2020 also?

 

[glamorilla]

Did it work in 2020 also?

He works in mysterious ways. If he let trump win we wouldnt be about to stamp out the democrat party the way we are today.

 

[ll74]

He works in mysterious ways. If he let trump win we wouldnt be about to stamp out the democrat party the way we are today.

So it didn't work in 2020?

*Democratic

 

[glamorilla]

So it didn't work in 2020?

*Democratic

I just said it worked out.

 

[ll74]

He works in mysterious ways. If he let trump win we wouldnt be about to stamp out the democrat party the way we are today.

I love this line though......it's what people say when they didn't get what they wanted so they find other things that did happen as a result to lie to themselves.

 

[ll74]

I just said it worked out.

No, you made up shit for why it didn't work.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

The Dalai Bama is not yer lord and savior…

 

[ll74]

The Dalai Bama is not yer lord and savior…

Is he new?

 

[Iluv17]

Hel's already losing his mind! .Trump is.getting to him!

 

[ll74]

Hel's already losing his mind! .Trump is.getting to him!

What was your joke?