The biggest mistake of my life

[lvskfool]

This is my first time posting to this site. I've been reading for a while just never really had anything to say. Now I do unfortunately. This past weekend, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I have always been a good girl...always. I lost my virginity at 21 and I met my husband when I was 22 years old. We dated for 6 years before we were married. I weathered a storm at home because my father didn't like him. No reason, just not good enough for his little girl. I was determined not to let him diminish my husband's worth so I fought with everything I had for our relationship. We didn't live together beforehand, so when we could see each other, sex was exciting although not very frequent. I was sure this would change when we got married. I was wrong. Most people look at us and think we have the perfect thing going. He is the kindest, most affectionate man on earth. He works unbelievably hard. Coming up on 4 years, we live more like roommates than partners and lovers. And the sad thing is is that it's been that way since 6 months after we were married. I have tried everything, initiating sex constantly only to be turned down more often than not, sexy lingerie, romantic getaways, shock of shocks...talking about it. He clams up. He can't give any other reason other than he's tired all the time. I go for weeks at a time with nothing but rejection. And even after talking this subject to death, he remains selfish when it comes to my physical needs. Feeling worn down and hopeless, I turned to the internet for comfort and now I find myself in a world of self hatred. I justified the friendships I was making as "harmless". I justified the feelings that grew as "imaginary". I have no way to justify the fact that I met my "imaginary" and "harmless" friend in Las Vegas and had really mediocre sex with him. I've wanted a time machine for lots of reasons in life, but never more than I do right now. Even though mistakes have been made on both my husband's part as well as my own in our relationship, the emptiness I feel now is overwhelming. The sadness is the worst. I feel like the most worthless, selfish idiot on Earth. It took this horrible, unforgiveable act to make me realize what a truly precious thing I have at home but I can't go back and change the permanent damage I've done. He hugs me and instead of warmth, I feel a chill run down my spine. I can't justify hurting my husband by telling him only to clear my conscience. I don't know what to do. I came to this site looking for a way to help me understand why I did what I did. Hopefully if anyone else reads this that's in the same boat, it will serve as a warning before you make the single worst decision of your life. Don't do it. It WON'T be everything you hoped for and you will lose so much more in the aftermath. I know some of you will dismiss me as a cheat and a liar, but hopefully one of you will help me understand myself and this truly stupid thing I've done. I feel like I'm in the darkest hole with no way out. Thanks for listening. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[Carp]

Go directly to therapy. Take your husband if you can. Good luck.

Hug. One act does not make you a bad person. Everyone is worthy of forgivness. You must first forgive yourself before anyone elses forgivness matters. Oddly, once you can forgive yourself, no one elses may matter to you.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Have you considered talking to your husband about an open marriage?

My SO doesn't 'have the libido of other 22 year old guys', according to him. He just isn't interested in sex very often, and your attempts to interest your husband are like a piece of my own life. For a while, I would play online, and feel bad about it, after I got tired of asking him... and then I said to him one day

'look, if you're not going to be interested in me, I've got to find some other way to find pleasure. You can either let me go sleep with other people, you can become more interested in making love with me, or we can work something out online/on the phone and you can't be jealous about it'

He refused to 'let' me sleep with other people in person... and he really couldn't bring himself to be more intersted in sex (which I know, from the person you love most in the world, is a really painful situation). So we agreed that I am allowed to play online. I am allowed to play over the phone. And he doesn't ask whether I have been, and I don't bother telling him, usually. It's just understood that I can, if I want to.

You have to make your husband understand that you love him a great deal. And then you have to tell him that his disinterest in sex has caused you a lot of turmoil. It feels like you're being ignored, it feels like he doesn't care about the physical side of you, and you need to tell him that you NEED physical pleasure. Tell him that you've considered looking elsewhere to find it, that's how bad it's gotten for you, and ask him what he thinks you should do.

If he says he doesn't want you finding it online or elsewhere in person, then you need to tell him it's too late... you love him, but you had to find it, and you did. Tell him it wasn't that great, and that you feel bad, but that you felt almost driven to it, because he shows absolutely no interest in you physically.

 

[lvskfool]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I don't even begin to know how to forgive myself for this. I can't stop crying. It's amazing how I turned myself back into the stupid 21 year old girl that gave it up to a guy who claimed he cared....not. I didn't like the girl I was and I sure as hell don't like this one either.

I know my husband well enough to know that an open relationship would never ever work. We are each other's whole world. That's why it's so heartbreaking. That I could be so careless with something so good. If I tell him, he will divorce me...and rightfully so. I've always been so judgmental of "cheaters". I'm just a big hypocrite. I'm just afraid of breaking under the pressure of this secret. I already feel this change in me that I don't like. I can barely look at his sweet face. I had to hide in the bathtub last night so I could cry and try to get back to normal.

I don't wish this kind of self inflicted misery on anyone...ever.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Well, you did it, it is done, can't go back, only forward. Your relationship will never be the same, but you can work through it if you want. You breached his trust and your commitment.

Why is he so tired? Just an excuse? Do you work outside of the home? Does he tell you what turns him on? Could he be gay? Is it truly a relationship that is best for you to stay in? Just some areas to explore, not in a condemning way, just exploration.

Tough times ahead.

 

[plasticman33]

I've lived through the same thing only with the roles reversed. My wifes sexual desire has faded to nothing. A little over a year ago I spent some time with a woman I met on the internet. For the first time in 16 years of marrage I cheated on my wife. I felt extreme guilt about it, but could not bear to let her know, she did not deserve the hurt that would cause. I've still have pangs of guilt, but they've faded. Allow time to heal, you'll be OK.

 

[lvskfool]

I've asked myself all those questions and then some. He's tired all the time because he works a lot, commutes a lot, and doesn't exercise. It may be that he doesn't feel good about himself physically which I have never had an issue with him for. Neither one of us are supermodels and that's always been ok. He has a lot of sexual hangups. I did too until I came to Lit. But I am willing to try swinging from a chandeliere if it would make him happy. He is unwilling. He is selfish in bed which is a big part of the reason I did what I did (I can count the number of times he's performed oral on me on 2 hands in a 10 year relationship). Then this "great guy" was so willing to do everything to me that I wasn't getting at home and I foolishly fell for it.

I ask my husband what turns him on, what gets him hot. He gives the standard non responsive answer and changes the subject. I don't think he's gay, but I guess I wouldn't be the first woman to think her husband wasn't.

All contributing factors I suppose. However, not one is a justification.

 

[Spinaroonie]

Kill them, then self.

Edit: Learn paragraphs. lol.

 

[lvskfool]

Gee Spin, thanks for that amazing insight. How about you jump off the bridge first and let me know how the landing feels.

 

[bad kitty]

I know how you feel. About 2 years ago I was in a very similar situation. Yeah, you shoulder alot of responsibility about it, but he does as well. If he worked at trying to really listen to you and try to meet your needs then you wouldn't have cheated, right? Just don't blame yourself entirely, you are just doing an injustice to yourself and make it nearly impossible to heal.

Sure it will hurt him if you tell him the truth, but then again maybe it will open his eyes and he will see how much he has hurt you by denying you and your feelings. I am a firm believer that lies and hidden truths will destroy a relationship. If you really do mean the world to each other, you can get through it. It will be very hard, but in the end you will be better for it.

 

[breakwall]

Don't pay any attention to Spin...it just encourages him.

I agree with Plastic. It always takes time to heal things. And maybe Carp has a point... Therapy, at least in the form of Marriage Counselling.

Be thankful that you are feeling guilt, and that you are still in a relationship that you believe in. Now go build on that. How many others out there cheat on their spouses and feel NO guilt? What kind of marriage is that? You care deeply for your husband, show how much by working towards making things better.

 

[nimbus9]

crumble a little viraga in his tea.



Whats going to happen prolly is several years from now you are going to look back on this as a very fucked up time. It won't last, this stuff will come to a conclusion on it's own. Don't fight whatever happens and go on with your life. Most of the time stuff works out for the best if you think positive for the long run.


"this too shall pass."

 

[Spinaroonie]

Don't pay any attention to Spin...it just encourages him.

That's right. I'm sorry, I meant that other thing to go on a different thread.

What I REALLY meant to say was this:

Install Linux, problem solved.

 

[lvskfool]

Thanks to (almost) everyone who has posted so far. You've helped a little. Who knew I could find such help in a place that I just wanted to read a few dirty stories.

I'm going to do everything I can to get this mess resolved. I just have no clue where to start.

 

[Guest]

 

[Donna Greed]

If your husband won't try to change the situation after you've talked to him you should give up before you waste any more time. I wasted my entire twenties with a man who wanted nothing to do with me sexually. His rejection made me feel awful, and I ended up taking lovers on the side. They made me feel good, temporarily, but the guilt made me feel every bit as my husband's rejection. Everyone found out what I'd done, and then I was branded a whore. I felt like one, too. I just didn't know what to do. I tried everything--counseling, begging, lingerie, threats, and nothing worked, but I sure wasted a whole lot of time trying. We've been split up for years, and I'm still struggling to get over what the whole situation did to my self-esteem. I wish I could do it all over again and get that time back, but of course I can't. It's hard to let go, but if he won't compromise letting go may be easier than what constant rejection and cheating-related guilt will do to you in the long run. Trust me on this one, I speak from experience.

 

[lvskfool]

That's what sucks so much about the whole thing. Part of me won't admit that maybe our relationship is past the point of rescue. I don't want to lose him. I love our life together except for that one major area. That of course, is bleeding into all the other aspects of our life. I used to be so happy that we had a relationship that wasn't based solely on sex like so many of my friends had. Now I see that all the elements have to be present or it just stops working.

Here's the big question. Do I tell him or do I wait for karma to come and bite me on the ass?

 

[Spinaroonie]

Gee Spin, thanks for that amazing insight. How about you jump off the bridge first and let me know how the landing feels.

The trick to jumping off of a bridge is to have something else, a brick or a shoe, etc. break the water tension before you enter it.

 

[bad kitty]

That's what sucks so much about the whole thing. Part of me won't admit that maybe our relationship is past the point of rescue. I don't want to lose him. I love our life together except for that one major area. That of course, is bleeding into all the other aspects of our life. I used to be so happy that we had a relationship that wasn't based solely on sex like so many of my friends had. Now I see that all the elements have to be present or it just stops working.

Here's the big question. Do I tell him or do I wait for karma to come and bite me on the ass?

I say tell him. Express how you truely feel about it and how you really want to make things work. many times men just don't listen and realize how serious things are til you slap them in the face with it. Hiding it will further deteriorate your relationship. If he sees how important this is and if he truely loves you, he will try to make it work. I know from experience.

 

[fgarvb1]

lvskfool

Cut yourself some slack jack! You are only human.

People will do what it takes to get their needs met, sooner or later, one way or another.

It sounds like that was what you were trying to do.

(If) I were to something like that it would really piss me off that i was put into a position were i had to. In matters like that for myself i am sort of straight laced.

I do understand all to well what you are talking about.

Your husband and my wife sound like they would make a good match.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Donna Greed]

I don't think you need to tell him, at least not yet. Just telling him you've thought about it should be enough. If you go to counseling and try to work things out that might just make it unnecessarily complicated. This is assuming it was a one-time thing that isn't going to happen again. If it comes out in counseling, when it's really relevant and you're ready to deal with it, then tell him. For now, though, your cheating is not the problem. It's a symptom of a way bigger problem, and you're going to have enough of a hard time dealing with your own relationship without dragging a one-night-stand into it.

 

[bad kitty]

I don't think you need to tell him, at least not yet. Just telling him you've thought about it should be enough. If you go to counseling and try to work things out that might just make it unnecessarily complicated. This is assuming it was a one-time thing that isn't going to happen again. If it comes out in counseling, when it's really relevant and you're ready to deal with it, then tell him. For now, though, your cheating is not the problem. It's a symptom of a way bigger problem, and you're going to have enough of a hard time dealing with your own relationship without dragging a one-night-stand into it.

BUT if she doesn't tell, she will have lied and it will always eat at mer ESPECIALLY if he tries to make ammends and work everything out. you can't build off of a lie or it will fail. Lies always hurt worse than the truth. Marriage is based upon total honesty and trust. When you are trying to rebuild that marriage and save it, you still must have total honesty.

 

[lvskfool]

You're all so right in each of your own ways. Clearly I've given this some thought today (perhaps the biggest understatement of all time). I think the act itself was not the most damaging. The fact that I mentally strayed so long ago is where the problem lies and the act was just the wound breaking open. Now I just need to find the bandaid.

I appreciate you all so much for talking me through today. You gave me so much to consider. For a girl who never did much wrong in her life, I sure made up for lost time in a big way.

Thanks everyone.

 

[Guest]

 

[bad kitty]

You are very right. You are on the right path, and it won't be an easy one. if you need someone to talk to, my PM box is always open.