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The average woman...

scheherazade_79 said:
:D

I saw a video once, where a guy tried to light his friend's fart. Unfortunately, the friend farted with such force that it sent a blue fireball up the other guy's arm ;)
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There is a reason no hair grows on my soon-to-be-ex-husband's ass.
 
impressive said:
There is a reason no hair grows on my soon-to-be-ex-husband's ass.
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Was that from you lighting them?

* makes a mental note never ever to fart in front of Imp *
 
rgraham666 said:
Haven't the slightest.

I heard the local burger joints were busy though. ;)
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Poor cow...

I read somewhere that it would be possible to power houses off cows' farts :cool:
 
scheherazade_79 said:
Was that from you lighting them?

* makes a mental note never ever to fart in front of Imp *
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Naw. It was the year before we met. He & his dorm buddies used to blow torch one another as they stepped off the elevator.

I'm sooooooooo glad I didn't live in that dorm.
 
impressive said:
Naw. It was the year before we met. He & his dorm buddies used to blow torch one another as they stepped off the elevator.

I'm sooooooooo glad I didn't live in that dorm.
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Me too... :(

If I'd been there over the last couple of days, the building would have blown up.
 
Bwahahahahahahaha

One of my recent patients, post surgical, was of the well mannered type. We encourage our patients to fart, it means that their gizzards, (A highly technichal medical term by the way.) are waking up. She was three days post surgery and hadn't passed gas. She was more than a little uncomfortable. I was walking her and she stood up straight with a frightened look on her face, then she rattled the windows. We're taliking the last gasp of Pompei here. We're talking a cross between Krakatoa and Vesuvius with and addition of a well used Manure Wagon here. She shook the windows and clouded the air of the hallway. People were gasping for breath in the next unit.

She was mortified. She was red with shame. I turned to her and asked her if she felt better. She could only nod. (I think she lost three inches in her waist after that one.) She then looked at me with a strngled look on her face before leting loose with another blast that rivaled many Fog Horns. Oh she was traumatized by this. She was no longer a proper woman, she had farted in the most spectacular fashion.

I looked at her as my belly churned. I had eaten Beef and Bean Burritos the night before. I knew what was coming. As she looked at me in mortification and released yet another blast I contributed in a highly audible manner. The amount of effluent in the hallway would cause tears to come to anyones eyes. The amount of Methan in the hallway was at a dangerous level. She looked at me and could only shake her head. I had equaled her blasts without trying.

Within minutes she was hanging on me as she laughed. She laughed until tears came to her eyes. She clutched her belly and laughed some more.

AS I walked herback to her room she let loose with two more resonating blasts, echoed by my own. Each time she had to stop to control her laughter.

She is doing quite well now. I hear from her often. She is the bane of her family, highly stuck up as they are. She is no longer ashamed of her bodily functions, she in fact revels in them.

I often stop and smile at the rememberance of how we made half the floor turn blue.

Cat
 
SeaCat said:
Bwahahahahahahaha

One of my recent patients, post surgical, was of the well mannered type. We encourage our patients to fart, it means that their gizzards, (A highly technichal medical term by the way.) are waking up. She was three days post surgery and hadn't passed gas. She was more than a little uncomfortable. I was walking her and she stood up straight with a frightened look on her face, then she rattled the windows. We're taliking the last gasp of Pompei here. We're talking a cross between Krakatoa and Vesuvius with and addition of a well used Manure Wagon here. She shook the windows and clouded the air of the hallway. People were gasping for breath in the next unit.

She was mortified. She was red with shame. I turned to her and asked her if she felt better. She could only nod. (I think she lost three inches in her waist after that one.) She then looked at me with a strngled look on her face before leting loose with another blast that rivaled many Fog Horns. Oh she was traumatized by this. She was no longer a proper woman, she had farted in the most spectacular fashion.

I looked at her as my belly churned. I had eaten Beef and Bean Burritos the night before. I knew what was coming. As she looked at me in mortification and released yet another blast I contributed in a highly audible manner. The amount of effluent in the hallway would cause tears to come to anyones eyes. The amount of Methan in the hallway was at a dangerous level. She looked at me and could only shake her head. I had equaled her blasts without trying.

Within minutes she was hanging on me as she laughed. She laughed until tears came to her eyes. She clutched her belly and laughed some more.

AS I walked herback to her room she let loose with two more resonating blasts, echoed by my own. Each time she had to stop to control her laughter.

She is doing quite well now. I hear from her often. She is the bane of her family, highly stuck up as they are. She is no longer ashamed of her bodily functions, she in fact revels in them.

I often stop and smile at the rememberance of how we made half the floor turn blue.

Cat
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Laughing out loud, just woke up the cat! Too funny!

Actually, I remember the last time my mom had surgery. Poor thing, every time she felt she could let loose visitors intruded.

Finally she could, and did, and was able to go home. And to the continuing amusement of our family, she hasn't yet stopped letting loose.

:D
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Speaking of farting.

Check this guy out.

http://mrmethane.com

I think he is available for birthday parties.

Puts out the candles very well, so I'm told.

What a way to make a living.

Peace.
 
SeaCat said:
...I often stop and smile at the rememberance of how we made half the floor turn blue.

Cat
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ROFL, Cat!

Reminds me of my sister the MD telling my family about learning the importance of leaning away and turning your head while performing a sigmoidoscopy. "You never know what's going to happen when you slide the scope open..."
:eek:

Recently, my mother was staying with me. My parents and I share a fascination with crossword puzzles, and we trade them back and forth when we can't solve any more. My mom made sure that I understood that one of the solutions she found was "if art"..... :D
 
Le Petomane

here was a talent most of us wish we had. *le sigh*

oh and btw, if you are a Blazing Saddles fan, remember the mayor's name...yep, you got it, Le Petomane.
 
impressive said:
Fartiste. :D BWAH!
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butt
really!
wouldn't it be cool to have such complete and utter control of one body part that people don't normally have?

kinda like a super hero~

Fart Man, able to clear a room in 1 second flat!
 
vella_ms said:
butt
really!
wouldn't it be cool to have such complete and utter control of one body part that people don't normally have?

kinda like a super hero~

Fart Man, able to clear a room in 1 second flat!
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If I was allowed to pick one body part over which to have complete and utter control, I think I'd choose something else. ;)
 
impressive said:
If I was allowed to pick one body part over which to have complete and utter control, I think I'd choose something else. ;)
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well me too but i put a limit on ping pong balls!
 
oggbashan said:
If I make Manchester next year, will you?

I owe Just Legal a steak meal at Wetherspoons. They do curries too.

Og
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I'm changing the bottle of WKD to a LARGE glass of Hardy's Chardonnay though :)

(I can't believe you remembered *giggles*)
 
We have a new R.N. working on our floor. She recently graduated from Nursing School and has never been on an Oncology Floor. (Other than her rotations but that is hardly a good intro.)

She being new to the field as well as young and not too bad looking is very self consciouse. She also is not used to our sense of humor.

Yesterday she didn't have enough money for lunch. I shared my lunch with her. (A Mexican Bean Soup. :devil: ) She had a hard time with it as it tends to be a bit spicy.

This morning she was sitting at the Nurses Station getting report. She looked more than a bit uncomfortable, like maybe something she had eaten was being nasty with her. She was shifting in her seat and acting like she wanted to be somewhere else. I had a good idea what was happening.

Suddenly she had this most distinctive look on her face and tried to climb out of her chair when she let loose with a blast that would make a foghorn jealous. We're not talking one of those nice little squeaks here, this was one for the record books. Long and loud was the blast and high pitched was her squeak of pained protest.

Everyone, and I do mean everyone from the Nursing staff to the Doctors there stopped what they were doing and looked her way. She stood there holding her pants away from her backside while turning a beautiful shade of red. Suddenly one of the Doctors, a friend of mine, broke the silence by looking at me and asking if I had given her something to eat the day before. I answered that I had and he looked at the R.N. and told her it was a good thing she had stood up because if his experience with my food was any example she would have torched her chair.

That broke the ice and everyone started talking and laughing while she took off. (No doubt to check for damage.) By the time she came out of the bathroom I was hard at work doing my first rounds.

Later I went over to talk with her. She blushed again and was going to run away when I mentioned her blast but I got her to stop. I explained our sense of humor while appologising for the singed butt. I even tossed in a neckrub when I saw her rolling her neck. (Me being me I asked her permission before touching her.)

By the end of the day she was still letting loose the occasional blast, and still turning red each time but at least she was able to joke about it.

Next week I intend to introduce her to my nearly famous Chili, which will again have her letting loose with blasts from the past, but this time they will not only burn out any potential Hemmeroids but they will also cause her to clear rooms. :devil:

Cat
 
vella_ms said:
Le Petomane

here was a talent most of us wish we had. *le sigh*

oh and btw, if you are a Blazing Saddles fan, remember the mayor's name...yep, you got it, Le Petomane.
Click to expand...

The climax of his act however involved him farting his impression of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.

Wow! Talk about getting your money's worth!
 
oggbashan said:
That reminds me of a joke about Lumberjacks...

Mine are fairly quiet. Some say that's a sign of an overused arse.

Og
Click to expand...

In some ways, that's good. It's a well known fact that the sneaky, quiet ones are the stinkiest. :cool:
 
rgraham666 said:
You're an evil man, Cat. ;)
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I keep telling people that but they don't believe me.

One of the strangest things is that the Professor in charge of the local Nursing School tends to stick her problem children with me. She claims that by the end of the semester they will either leave nursing or they will be some of the best R.N.'s she graduates. I tend to introduce them to Nursing on the most basic of levels and hammer into them my beliefs.

My patients are people first. They will be treated as such. If you are too self important to feel this way then I will make your life miserable.

Bodily secretions are not something to be ashamed of. If you can't dal with them then you are in the wrong field.

All situations should be approached with a sense of humor.

Patch Adams is one of my Hero's, and I have a signed letter from him framed and hanging on my wall.

Cat
 
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