The aloofness of guys

[cwaltz]

I think what I hate is the aloofness of guys. The "whatever you want" attitude. It's like no, this is a two way street, not just what I prefer. I know guys don't want to seem pushy or aggressive, but sometimes I just want to know what they want too. I don't want to call all the shots. This is my biggest frustration. Where guys must take a backseat to their desires because they think it might not be something to my liking. I understand the hesitance, but sometimes I much prefer a guy who will just come out and say it. To just say, "This is what I want and this really turns me on. It's out there and I can't take it back." The worse I could say is, "I'm not really into that, but maybe we could meet halfway."

This isn't to say I'm inviting every guy out there to tell me what they want. It's just for those I've already established a pretty good understanding with in real life and here on Lit (and possibly anyone else I might encounter). In this case, the guy who wears his heart on his sleeve wins. And I'm not talking about pulling a Lloyd Dobler with a boombox raised above his shoulders type thing, but just be honest and let me know. There's nothing worse than mounting frustration. Hence, all the sexless marriage threads. Both sides have needs. There's someone I talk to that unburdens a lot to me because they can't to others, then profusely apologizes for burdening with me it. I can't tell them enough that it is not a burden. Their vulnerability to open up and be that honest is probably the biggest turn on in itself.

Anyway, this has been gnawing at me for awhile and I just wondered if anyone felt the same or had thoughts. Maybe not just guys do this, but females as well.

 

[Euphony]

I think what I hate is the aloofness of guys. The "whatever you want" attitude. It's like no, this is a two way street, not just what I prefer. I know guys don't want to seem pushy or aggressive, but sometimes I just want to know what they want too. I don't want to call all the shots. This is my biggest frustration. Where guys must take a backseat to their desires because they think it might not be something to my liking. I understand the hesitance, but sometimes I much prefer a guy who will just come out and say it. To just say, "This is what I want and this really turns me on. It's out there and I can't take it back."
This isn't to say I'm inviting every guy out there to tell me what they want. It's just for those I've already established a pretty good understanding with in real life and here on Lit (and possibly anyone else I might encounter). In this case, the guy who wears his heart on his sleeve wins. And I'm not talking about pulling a Lloyd Dobler with a boombox raised above his shoulders type thing, but just be honest and let me know. There's nothing worse than mounting frustration. Hence, all the sexless marriage threads. Both sides have needs. There's someone I talk to that unburdens a lot to me because they can't to others, then profusely apologizes for burdening with me it. I can't tell them enough that it is not a burden. Their vulnerability to open up and be that honest is probably the biggest turn on in itself.

Anyway, this has been gnawing at me for awhile and I just wondered if anyone felt the same or had thoughts. Maybe not just guys do this, but females as well.

You speak in to many generalities. What "most guys" do is hardly measurable and often influenced by your most recent experience with our kind. If THE guy you are with isnt compatible with you, youre with the wrong guy. Keep looking.

The worse I could say is, "I'm not really into that, but maybe we could meet halfway."

Thats the worst YOU can say. If our experience with other women has shown that not to be our reality (maybe youre the first "cool" chick in that regard) why would we assume you are a special exception?

If you've got a problem with your guy, communicate that. If you cant reach common ground, youre ill matched.

And try to remember that while you may think you are so similar to womankind as to not be confusing, youre arent. Every EVERY woman Ive ever been with has been so unique and different from the rest that I wouldnt dare think what one does the other would likely do.

Sorry for your frustrations. Finding good compatible mates isnt easy. Thats what makes it so rewarding when you find them.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Gosh, if I had a dime for every man that said this about women-- I'd be rolling in dimes. If I had a dime for every woman who has said this about men-- I would be REALLY rolling in dimes. A mountain!

That communication thing is more than a two way street. Especially us in the 40 + range, we mostly have spent a lifetime hiding our sexual needs away from everyone. It's so damn difficult to brave the potential rejection for what you really want.

If you want a repressed partner to open up to you-- women and men alike-- you might have to dig into them. A lot. Our society has made this process about as difficult as flying to the moon. To do it, you and your partner both have to jettison a lot of societal rules that we all have grown up with-- we don't even recognise them as rules. It takes persistance, patience, understanding, and an ability to learn someone else's emotional language, tolerance when they lash out at you. Sometimes it simply isn't possible.

Sometimes though, it can be done. And then you reap the reward.

Edit: also for some people, "whatever you want" really is the truth. I talk about that a little bit in the rant linked to in my sig

 

[PennLady]

Easier said than done, but sometimes you simply have to take the risk and be open and honest, and then ask that of the person you're with. If they can't, you have to decide whether it's can't "yet" or never will.

I've been married nearly 13 years, together nearly 15, and it's still hard sometimes to be that clear about things.

 

[lovecraft68]

I'm one of those guys that mean "whatever you want"

anytime something comes up I think "does it matter more to her or me" most of the time I just defer.

Now on the rare occasions I say. "well..."

I tend to have a better shot of now getting it my way, because I normally never care.

 

[mikey2much]

And many don't know what they want

Finding what you want is the hard part, and than you have to work out what she wants. Often neither of you're sure just what that is.

It takes trust.

 

[sr71plt]

I'd say, cwaltz, that most guys want to fire off and then go watch the football game--and maybe tell their buddy they got to fire off. Sorry, but most of them don't want to discuss with you what they want in sex--actually doing interesting, arousing, and invigorating things that fall short of making them fire off might hold their attention for awhile; talking about it, not so much. It's pretty much "fire off" and then it's done for now is there a beer in the frig, babe? For most.

Maybe what you want is another girl(?) or to latch onto the rare guy who wants to do what you want(?) The last thing to do, though, is to assume you can retrain a guy you like the looks and arousal of who just wants to get into your pants and then go watch the football game to someday want to have long discussions with you on what fulfills each of you sexually.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

What I hate is when my wife says, "Whatever you want..." and so I decide, "Let's do this..." and she criticizes my decision. If you're going to say, "Whatever you want..." then MEAN "WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!!!"

Example:
Her: Let's have some kinky sex tonight. What do you want to do?
Me, used to her: Whatever you want.
Her: No, I want to do what you want to do.
Me, still used to her: Really, let's do it your way
Her: Aw, come on, whatever YOU want. I want YOU to be happy.
Me, falling for Lucy asking Charlie Brown to kick the football: Okay, how about if you fuck me up the ass with one of our toys.
Her: I'm always afraid I'm going to hurt you... think of something else.
Me: What do YOU want to do.
Her: Whatever you want.
Me, pissed off: How about if you suck me off, let me come in your mouth and then kiss me before you swallow. You know how much of a cumslut I am!
Her: Oh, you know every time I go down on you, it gets me so horny I want to fuck.
Me, to myself - <I>And you hate it when someone cums in your mouth.</I>: Okay, maybe you can tie me down to the bed and have your way with me?
Her: I never know what to do!
Me: So what do want to do?
Her: I don't know. Surprise me. You know how much I hate to plan something like this.
Me: Maybe tomorrow, it's getting late. I have to get up in the morning.
Her: Yeah, you're probably right.
Me, behind her back and away from her ability to see - jerking off furiously to porn I downloaded and going to bed next to a sleeping wife who I've been married with for going on 26 years.


A few nights later....
Her: Let's have some fun tonight.
Me: Okay, any suggestions?
Her: Let's do something you want to do
Me: ...

 

[Boxlicker101]

I think what I hate is the aloofness of guys. The "whatever you want" attitude. It's like no, this is a two way street, not just what I prefer. I know guys don't want to seem pushy or aggressive, but sometimes I just want to know what they want too. I don't want to call all the shots. This is my biggest frustration. Where guys must take a backseat to their desires because they think it might not be something to my liking. I understand the hesitance, but sometimes I much prefer a guy who will just come out and say it. To just say, "This is what I want and this really turns me on. It's out there and I can't take it back." The worse I could say is, "I'm not really into that, but maybe we could meet halfway."

This isn't to say I'm inviting every guy out there to tell me what they want. It's just for those I've already established a pretty good understanding with in real life and here on Lit (and possibly anyone else I might encounter). In this case, the guy who wears his heart on his sleeve wins. And I'm not talking about pulling a Lloyd Dobler with a boombox raised above his shoulders type thing, but just be honest and let me know. There's nothing worse than mounting frustration. Hence, all the sexless marriage threads. Both sides have needs. There's someone I talk to that unburdens a lot to me because they can't to others, then profusely apologizes for burdening with me it. I can't tell them enough that it is not a burden. Their vulnerability to open up and be that honest is probably the biggest turn on in itself.

Anyway, this has been gnawing at me for awhile and I just wondered if anyone felt the same or had thoughts. Maybe not just guys do this, but females as well.

You can figure that most guys want to have sex, and are willing to do it your way, especially if they see the alternative as being not getting anything at all. With most of the women I have known, it was "My way or the highway."

 

[Handley_Page]

I think what I hate is the aloofness of guys. The "whatever you want" attitude. It's like no, this is a two way street, not just what I prefer. I know guys don't want to seem pushy or aggressive, but sometimes I just want to know what they want too. I don't want to call all the shots. This is my biggest frustration. Where guys must take a backseat to their desires because they think it might not be something to my liking. I understand the hesitance, but sometimes I much prefer a guy who will just come out and say it. To just say, "This is what I want and this really turns me on. It's out there and I can't take it back." The worse I could say is, "I'm not really into that, but maybe we could meet halfway."

This isn't to say I'm inviting every guy out there to tell me what they want. It's just for those I've already established a pretty good understanding with in real life and here on Lit (and possibly anyone else I might encounter). In this case, the guy who wears his heart on his sleeve wins. And I'm not talking about pulling a Lloyd Dobler with a boombox raised above his shoulders type thing, but just be honest and let me know. There's nothing worse than mounting frustration. Hence, all the sexless marriage threads. Both sides have needs. There's someone I talk to that unburdens a lot to me because they can't to others, then profusely apologizes for burdening with me it. I can't tell them enough that it is not a burden. Their vulnerability to open up and be that honest is probably the biggest turn on in itself.

Anyway, this has been gnawing at me for awhile and I just wondered if anyone felt the same or had thoughts. Maybe not just guys do this, but females as well.

Well, of course, being a guy, this may sound wrong, but . .

It ain't being aloof.
The illustration you gave indicates consideration for you and is willing to make you happy, even if it's not his particular thing.

 

[jomar]

What I hate is when my wife says, "Whatever you want..." and so I decide, "Let's do this..." and she criticizes my decision. If you're going to say, "Whatever you want..." then MEAN "WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!!!"

Sex Example: ...
...

The trick is to not talk about it and just do it.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I think what I hate is the aloofness of guys. The "whatever you want" attitude. It's like no, this is a two way street, not just what I prefer. I know guys don't want to seem pushy or aggressive, but sometimes I just want to know what they want too. I don't want to call all the shots. This is my biggest frustration. Where guys must take a backseat to their desires because they think it might not be something to my liking. I understand the hesitance, but sometimes I much prefer a guy who will just come out and say it. To just say, "This is what I want and this really turns me on. It's out there and I can't take it back." The worse I could say is, "I'm not really into that, but maybe we could meet halfway."

This isn't to say I'm inviting every guy out there to tell me what they want. It's just for those I've already established a pretty good understanding with in real life and here on Lit (and possibly anyone else I might encounter). In this case, the guy who wears his heart on his sleeve wins. And I'm not talking about pulling a Lloyd Dobler with a boombox raised above his shoulders type thing, but just be honest and let me know. There's nothing worse than mounting frustration. Hence, all the sexless marriage threads. Both sides have needs. There's someone I talk to that unburdens a lot to me because they can't to others, then profusely apologizes for burdening with me it. I can't tell them enough that it is not a burden. Their vulnerability to open up and be that honest is probably the biggest turn on in itself.

Anyway, this has been gnawing at me for awhile and I just wondered if anyone felt the same or had thoughts. Maybe not just guys do this, but females as well.

So, I guess you've never uttered the words:

"Oh my god, that's gross. Get away from me, you freak."

 

[cwaltz]

First off, thanks for the responses. Some of them really made me laugh. Referring to Bucky. I guess in that instance, you probably should just do it instead of telling her. At least she asks you right?

Soflabbwlvr - no I've never said anything was gross. I'm open to hearing about anything, it's just a matter of whether or not I want to do it or not. I would say he's more vanilla than I am and I spend a lot of time asking him if he would be into this or that. I guess this is where it gets hazy and I don't know if he just says he isn't into certain things because he thinks I won't like it. But, if I'm asking...wouldn't I be interested?

Handley/Boxlicker - I understand it's consideration for me. I usually tell him if he wants to, just go for it. I don't play the game of "but no, let's really do it my way." But I can still see the hesitation.

mikey2much - There's trust there. I'm pretty open about what I want. I wish he would too.

Pennlady - I guess it will be a universal problem eh?

Stella - I do dig and it's a little funny how I would say I was a bit of the repressed one when we started and now he's a bit shy. I guess I'll keep working at it.


Euphony - I don't think I would just easily throw in the towel. It's not so much a matter of compatibility, but I guess maybe just wanting him to do what he likes and not think about whether or not I wouldn't be into it. I'm almost 100% sure I would be into it. Sometimes I just want him to initiate and not worry about me. I can take it.

Maybe my frustration isn't just my own, but just hearing from friends and others about what they want and desire, but can't achieve it because they're afraid to communicate it to their partners. For me honestly, no matter how freaky or strange, I'd be at least willing to hear it out. Sometimes I wonder why it's easier to tell friends what you want, than someone you're intimately acquainted with.

 

[Euphony]

Euphony - I don't think I would just easily throw in the towel. It's not so much a matter of compatibility, but I guess maybe just wanting him to do what he likes and not think about whether or not I wouldn't be into it. I'm almost 100% sure I would be into it. Sometimes I just want him to initiate and not worry about me. I can take it.

Maybe my frustration isn't just my own, but just hearing from friends and others about what they want and desire, but can't achieve it because they're afraid to communicate it to their partners. For me honestly, no matter how freaky or strange, I'd be at least willing to hear it out. Sometimes I wonder why it's easier to tell friends what you want, than someone you're intimately acquainted with.

I wasnt suggesting bail and certainly not "so easily." Good relationships are tough to be in and tougher to find.
Just communicate and make sure you take a fair overview of where your communication skills are at as a couple.

As to the "not worry about you bit" thats pretty much opposite of what most decent guys are told to do. You can and should communicate to him that he has the green light from you to go forth with his own agenda. And expect him to be hesitant to believe you because thats a pretty huge offer youve made him and can seem a little too good to be true.

Im confused why you are confused by the "easier to talk to friends than a lover" concept. Its simple risk reward. If you are in a healthy long term intimate relationship, your life typically is most influenced postively and negatively by that person. I have some great best friends and it would be hard to lose them but would it rock me as much as my lover walking right out our front door and never speaking to me again?

Friends are great and there is certainly a level of intimacy you have with them but its often not nearly as much as the one you are with. So the risk of "saying something wrong" is far greater with a lover than a friend. Friends mostly return to center after an usual conversation or whatever. Mates have a whole different thing going on between them as far as futures, lives together, family plans, etc.

If my friend tells me she interested in using jumper cables to electrocute a lover, I may be shocked but not really worried.

My partner tells me the same and I know whose nipples are in danger. And even if it doesnt completely freak me out I still have to worry Im no longer compatible with her or shes not getting the stimulation out of our relationship she needs.

Stakes are far higher there, dont you think?

 

[Euphony]

Maybe my frustration isn't just my own, but just hearing from friends and others about what they want and desire, but can't achieve it because they're afraid to communicate it to their partners. For me honestly, no matter how freaky or strange, I'd be at least willing to hear it out.

Human beings are social creatures, women even moreso than men. Friends are there to support you and empathy is often the tool used to do so. If you are visibly upset by something I wouldnt take their agreement with you as one hundred percent agreement. Plus, "communication issues" is such a easy problem to have. We ALL struggle with it to some degree or another. Its how big of an issue it is thats the measuring stick.

Im sorry. " Id be willing to hear anything out" bit is by all logical standards untrue. Yes you may be more than willing to discuss than most women but Carte Blanche is 99.9% of the time just not the case. Your level of "there will be consequences" may be far higher than most but its not non existent.

But lets go on the assumption that you are the wonderful super unicorn with whom that is actually true.

Heres the thing, youre a unicorn in a world that is full of horses. And you look like a horse. You have to understand his being hesitant to believe he, in fact, is with a unicorn.

If you do all in your power to show him you are different and he doesnt get it, well then you arent a good match.

no I've never said anything was gross. I'm open to hearing about anything, it's just a matter of whether or not I want to do it or not. I would say he's more vanilla than I am and I spend a lot of time asking him if he would be into this or that. I guess this is where it gets hazy and I don't know if he just says he isn't into certain things because he thinks I won't like it. But, if I'm asking...wouldn't I be interested?

Whats to say HES interested?!!! You say youve repeatedly mentioned some things and hes seemed uninterested but you think he may be but doesnt want to show it? Um, isnt the easiest answer usually the likeliest? If hes said hes not into it hes likely to not be into it. Especially if youve revisited it a few times.

Look, You may be the type of girl 99% of men would hack off a limb to be with. Theres still a 1% though hes may be the guy who doesnt need that and has no use for it. So again you are ill matched.

You can always find someone who will support any position you take AND those who will argue with you. Ultimately, it really doesnt matter either way.

The only people who can bridge this divide is you and your s.o. Its obvious youve got a grasp on the problem and can communicate it (as youve done here)

So talk to him. Tell him exactly what youve told us and be open to any and all responses he may offer (even the "im happy with the way it is") Then you have the information you need to solve the problem, or compromise, or maybe even decide you dont fit and move on.

I dont think its a misunderstanding issue (you seem to be very aware of the problem) nor do I think its a lack of courage (you seem to be a woman with it to spare)

So why not go for it? Have the conversation. Its obviously weighing on you some so better to get it out in the open ( if only to release tension. Solving is secondary) rather than letting it fester. (youve done that some already and it seems its not worked out too well)

Regardless of the outcome, you'll feel better. And why wouldnt you do everything you can to feel good? Lifes too short to be miserable when you dont have to.

 

[cwaltz]

I say what I mean. He knows this as does everyone who knows me well. Once I've said something, I don't turn back. So, when I say don't worry, I mean don't worry. I don't think it's too good to be true.

I understand what you mean with the difference friends and lovers but to me he is a friend first. It's always been that way. I could afford to lose him as a lover, but not as a friend. And yes, he knows this as I've told him.

Haha, I'm not a unicorn, but I guess you don't know me too well. I am willing to hear anything out. This extends to him, friends, and sometimes strangers. It's just my nature. I know you're skeptical.

What's to say he's interested? Because he says he is. But....his worry for me prevents him from doing it. Even if I say it's ok. I've had the conversation, he said he's glad he had it, but...still nothing.

Anyway, sorry if you're frustrated (you sound it). I might be speaking too vaguely about the exact situation. So maybe I'll stop responding. Thanks for the replies though.

 

[Scheherazade73]

I think what I hate is the aloofness of guys. The "whatever you want" attitude. It's like no, this is a two way street, not just what I prefer. I know guys don't want to seem pushy or aggressive, but sometimes I just want to know what they want too. I don't want to call all the shots. This is my biggest frustration. Where guys must take a backseat to their desires because they think it might not be something to my liking. I understand the hesitance, but sometimes I much prefer a guy who will just come out and say it. To just say, "This is what I want and this really turns me on. It's out there and I can't take it back." The worse I could say is, "I'm not really into that, but maybe we could meet halfway."

Are we talking about sex here, or are we talking about relationship stuff? I'm not being sassy; I think there are different ways to answer, depending.

Since I'm the wrong girl to give relationship advice, I'll give you the sex answer. And I'll give you the hetero male-to-female answer, because in this case I think it does matter.

If you've been on Lit more than 5 minutes, you've read literally hundreds of guys' posts lamenting that their lady won't do things from a simple BJ to more refined and specific acts. It is no wonder, since men have been taught that women are the gatekeepers of the almighty pussy (and there are excellent reasons for that) and whatever they say goes. Women can also be horrible in the bargaining department, doling out sexual favors like they're Halloween candy, and not in a fun way, but in a give-a-dog-a-bone way. So I think guys are reluctant to ask or to say.

Also, there are many of people (not just guys) with a wee Madonna-whore issue. We may not ask that very lovely person who might wind up being the mother/father of our children to do things that we might ask someone we're "just" fucking. Could also be a factor.

But as many have said, communication is key. And it's never too late to throw an idea on the fire and see what happens. You'd be surprised.

 

[Euphony]

I say what I mean. He knows this as does everyone who knows me well.

You said earlier you felt possible confusion on his part as to when you mentioned something you are into it but he might not be sure you are into it.

So he knows you mean what you say, everybody does. But yet you worry he doesnt really think you mean what you say.

Once I've said something, I don't turn back. So, when I say don't worry, I mean don't worry. I don't think it's too good to be true.

Multiple posters here have suggested that it may be too good to be true (myself included) and others with the caveat that even if it may be true, you have to understand he could have misgivings because this is not typical female behavior.

I understand what you mean with the difference friends and lovers but to me he is a friend first. It's always been that way. I could afford to lose him as a lover, but not as a friend. And yes, he knows this as I've told him.

What does what YOU can afford to lose have to do with the risks hes willing to take in exposing his desires to you? If hes thinking about asking you for say some diaper fetish role play or something, do you think hes comforted by the fact YOU wont be devastated by the end of your intimate relationship? Hes deciding whether the risk of exposing his want to you is worth the possible end of your romantic relationship, simple as that. Some fetishes and requests are worth that risk, some arent.

Haha, I'm not a unicorn, but I guess you don't know me too well. I am willing to hear anything out. This extends to him, friends, and sometimes strangers. It's just my nature. I know you're skeptical.

Dig a little deeper into my statement and you'll understand that its not really about you at all. We are all influenced greatly by our experiences. You have acknowledged, in the face of multiple doubters, that you are indeed different from most and you understand why wed be skeptical. Do you understand why you man could be skeptical? And he has far more to lose if hes wrong about you than any of the posters here.

What's to say he's interested? Because he says he is. But....his worry for me prevents him from doing it. Even if I say it's ok. I've had the conversation, he said he's glad he had it, but...still nothing.

If he says hes into it and youve explained you are too and he still is on the "but I worry youre not really into it" idea, then you have a communication issue. You do see the conflict and trust issues in this statement.

"I want what you want but Im not sure you want what you want"

Right?

Anyway, sorry if you're frustrated (you sound it). I might be speaking too vaguely about the exact situation. So maybe I'll stop responding. Thanks for the replies though.

Im not frustrated, you arent making sense. Reread your statements and the answers given (feel free to put me on ignore so mine arent factored in if you feel Im biased or "frustrated") Many people are stating similar things to what I have and some are as skeptical as to the free spirited nature you have.

And the "Ill just stop responding thing" seems very immature. If this problem is truly bothering you as you say, you keep working at it until you find a solution.

The specific nature of your problem ultimately doesnt matter (whether its you want to try anal or go out for ice cream after church every sunday, your problem really is the same problem

You two arent communicating well.

 

[topace]

I don't know about most guys, but I'm the shy and reserved type myself. Besides, I'm also unlucky - 9/10 females I meet already have a boyfriend, are engaged, or are married.

I'm of the type to find out what my partner wants and likes and try to please her, not just to get my rocks off.

Guys like me exist, it's just we're more harder to find.

 

[Porkwarrior]

Serious Answer: "Society" puts the burden of setting sexual hard limits in a relationship on women starting at puberty (probably unfairly) and most men are conditioned in that mindset from the first time they try to get into Mary Jane's pants at the jr. high prom.

The easiest way to find out what gets a man off is to find where he hides his porn.


Smartass Answer: Most men have learned through the advanced education course of vocational dating that when a woman asks a man a question, they don't really want to know what is on what passes for their brain. It is an informal poll to see if their views jibe and whether he is worthy of sharing the same planet as her.

 

[heybaybay]

there are some honest men out there

not all men are the same

 

[PennLady]

not all men are the same

Nor are all women the same.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Soflabbwlvr - no I've never said anything was gross. I'm open to hearing about anything, it's just a matter of whether or not I want to do it or not. I would say he's more vanilla than I am and I spend a lot of time asking him if he would be into this or that. I guess this is where it gets hazy and I don't know if he just says he isn't into certain things because he thinks I won't like it. But, if I'm asking...wouldn't I be interested?

He might not have heard it from you, but he has probably heard it in his past. If he's like most men, probably multiple times. That's one reason why he is cautious about pushing the envelope.

 

[topace]

As they say:

"Burned once, twice shy."

And I've been burned three times by females...

 

[mikey2much]

I think that you and I are similar in that reguard

I don't know about most guys, but I'm the shy and reserved type myself. Besides, I'm also unlucky - 9/10 females I meet already have a boyfriend, are engaged, or are married.

I'm of the type to find out what my partner wants and likes and try to please her, not just to get my rocks off.

Guys like me exist, it's just we're more harder to find.

I try to be considerate of the women I am with, but I think a lot of women are looking for a man who will just take what they want without the weakness of having to ask first. It makes for a great deal of uncertainty in my mind as to how much 'taking' is correct. When you really like a woman, you don'r want to say or do something that might damage her feelings for you.

If you were the man that they really want you to be, you most likely would be in jail because one of you other relationships didn't like it as much as you had hoped and had called the law.