Tell a Joke

[fraankhardy]

Little Mary !!

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through out the class.
One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, `Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?`
When Mary didn`t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
`God Almighty!` shouted Mary.
Teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, `Who is our Lord and Savior?`
But, Mary didn`t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. `Jesus Christ!` shouted Mary.
The teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. `What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?`
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, `If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!`
The Teacher fainted.

 

[fraankhardy]

Little Johnny again !

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."
The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"

 

[fraankhardy]

I`m Coming !

One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of your body goes to Heaven first?"
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher saw this and thought to herself, `Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I`ll make sure he`s the last one I call on!` So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Susie, "That`s very good, Susie!"
Then, the teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"
The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it`s your turn."
Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first."
The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that`s very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?"
"Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent`s room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, `Oh God, I`m coming, I`m coming!`"

 

[fraankhardy]

Animal Spotting

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand.
The teacher says, "See it`s long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up their hands.
"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students holds up their hand.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it`s something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it`s a horny bastard."

 

[fraankhardy]

I`m in love !!

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I`m in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don`t you see how silly that is? It`s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don`t want a child."
"Oh, don`t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I`ll use a rubber!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Revenge !!

One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him.
The Madam asks "Can I help you son?"
He replies, "Yes, I`d like a girl for the night."
She says, "I`m afraid you are too young for one of my girls."
So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200, to which she says, "She`ll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says, "But she`s got to have a very serious case of active herpes."
The Madam replies, "But all my girls are clean!"
So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.
The Madam says, "Okay, she`ll be ready for you in about ten minutes."
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog.
Half an hour later, he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog.
By now, the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog, and asking for a girl with active herpes?".
"Well, it`s like this", he says, "When I get home tonight, I will fuck the babysitter and she`ll get it. Then when my parents get home, dad will drive her home and, on the way, they`ll stop and have sex, and he`ll get it. Later, when dad gets home, mum and dad will make love, and she`ll get it. And at about 9:30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, fuck my mother, and he`ll get it. And he`s the bastard who killed my frog!!!!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

10 Times Bigger !

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it`s normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That`s disgusting! I don`t have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That`s easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That`s correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I`ve three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn`t do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you`re in for a big disappointment!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Piece of Rubber!

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili?
A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
A: For fingering A minor.

 

[Earl]

Lost

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

 

[Hypoxia]

True tale: We pulled into a campground in Nova Scotia in a fairly warm early November and set up our tent. Nobody else was there but the camp host. He said, "You must be from California, to be here in this season." We admitted our origin. He told us this joke:

Why do you Yanks have a Black problem while we Canadians have a French problem?

Answer: Because you had first choice.

 

[fraankhardy]

Well Trained Alligator ...

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18 inch alligator.

The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment."

The guy tries to explain, "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it."

He then proceeds to put the the alligator on bar and says, "open." The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth.

"Now watch this," he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth. He orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.

He than says, "Close," and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"

After looking around he finally hears a drunk whose sitting at table say, "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

 

[fraankhardy]

Caught in the Act!

Tony sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands.

When the bartender comes back, Tony is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.

"Hey Tony, what's happening?" asks the bartender.

"I'm in DEEP SHIT," Tony replies. "I just got caught screwing my neighbour."

"Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"

"No," said Tony, "HIS wife!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Flavored Condoms!

A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs.

He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose. While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband, "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?"

To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."

 

[fraankhardy]

Best Steak

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him."

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Toilet Scribble

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.

"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Bodybuilder's Date

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

 

[fraankhardy]

The Real Biker?

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."

Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

[fraankhardy]

Wine Maker

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting. The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.

"This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

 

[fraankhardy]

Deaf Genie

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish.... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?"

 

[fraankhardy]

You win some, you lose some !!

Joe is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender. He slapped a ten on the table and says, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."

She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Joe took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Jor challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."

Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Joe lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Joe said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

 

[fraankhardy]

No Hands Please!

Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, "I bet on things!"

The bartender says, "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?"

Woman, "Most anything."

Bartender, "Like what for instance?"

Woman, "See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!"

Bartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?"

Woman, "You name your poison."

Bartender, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks."

Woman, "Ok!"

Bartender, "Ladies first."

Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees.

"Your turn," she replies.

Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets ready to pee.

Woman, "Hey.... NO HANDS!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Licking Proposal

An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is the exact opposite in fact he may be the most handsome man in town. The two of them are discussing a beautiful blond girl sitting at the bar.

The handsome man said, "Boy I sure would like to get some of that.

The ugly man said, "Go ahead go for it.

The handsome man said, "There's no way She won't go with anybody I've tried many times."

The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."

The handsome man laughed and said, "If She won't go out with me She sure as hell won't go with you."

Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks She'll go with me."

Handsome says, "You're on." Ugly says, "Ok just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."

He walks up to the girl starts talking and turned and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.

The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened, what did he say to her?"

The bartender told him, "Well he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. Then he licked his eyebrows and left."

 

[fraankhardy]

Shame and Glory

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."

Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."

A short while later, the woman orders two more shots. Again, she downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."

Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."

Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Rottweiler mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.

"No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The shame was when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

 

[fraankhardy]

Lucky John!

A man walks into a bar and the bartender said "Hey John, how about a beer."
John replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky."
"Why call you Lucky?"
"Well, I was changing a flat tyre on the highway, when I realized I had forgotten something in the car. Right after I walked away, a semi drives by and knocked the car off the jack. It would have landed right on me."
"Boy you are lucky."
The next day John walks back into the bar and the bartender said, "Hey Lucky, how about a beer."
"Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky."
"Now what happened?"
"Well, me and my old lady were having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got mad, because of the noise and shot his gun off. The bullet got me right in the nuts."
"Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?"
"A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes".