Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

A Love Story-a veritable tear-jerker



A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed – as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.



She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.



In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"



The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."




“Well,” He replied, “I'm in the pub next door."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Why Grandfathers are different.

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.


"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelly is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelly surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelly .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'You’re job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber

Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
A: They couldn't close his casket.

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

POLITICALLY INCORRECT...but funny

A black woman in Chicago was admitted to the hospital for an abortion.

Two weeks later she received a check for $1,500.

She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from.

The hospital said "Crime Stoppers"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Two Gators




Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned
to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger
than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get
it.'

'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out
of them & eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting
any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of
a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Breast Wishes for Christmas..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=psga0gcX0go

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Bubba's Golf Cart

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=z5u_2bGPdUY

 

[Earl]

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Heartwarming Letter to Dear Santa



Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X - Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
Fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
Time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
Get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
Something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas, Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully, Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours, S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T - Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
One night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G - banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
That if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll
All over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
Asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
You're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I think you will get a kick out of this as I did
This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking ..

Scroll down slowly and be honest with yourself.


man
1. ------------
board










Ans. = man overboard




Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.






stand
2. ------------
i








Ans. = I understand






OK .


Got the drift ?




Let's try a few now and see
how you fare ?





3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/









Ans. = reading between the lines








4.
r
road
a
d







Ans. = cross road





Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.





5. cycle
cycle
cycle








Ans. = tricycle





Not easy to figure out ha!





0
6. ------------
M.D.
Ph.D.








Ans. = two degrees below zero




C'mon give it a little thought ! !






7. knee
light








Ans. = neon light


( knee - on - light )






U can prove u r smart by getting this one.





ground
8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet









Ans. = six feet underground




Oh no, not again ! !




9. ecnalg












Ans. = backward glance





Not even close ! !





10. death ....... life








Ans. = life after death





Okay last chance ...................


11. THINK









Ans. = think big ! !





And the last one is real fundoo - - -





12.
abababababababababababababababababababab...







Ans. = long time no 'C'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, "Yesterday."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Burglar's relative says: "He could have used a warning first..."

From WTTC News in Dallas, we get this heartwarming tale of a long-time criminal,
33year old Deyfon, who tried to climb in a window of a Texas home.

The elderly owner occupant saw him and fired one shot, ending Deyfon’s criminal career. As the police do, they came by to investigate, gathered the corpse, then went to notify Deyfon's family of his unfortunate demise. It seems that the family was very upset, because they showed up at the scene. "He could have used a warning," Lakesha Thompson, Pipkins' sister-in-law, complained. "He could have let him know that he did have a gun on his property and he would use it in self-defense."

COMMENT FROM THE SIDELINE:
"That's certainly true, Lakesha. He could also have invited him in and given him a beer, then helped him cart the TV out to the curb. "Unfortunately for Deyfon, Texas is a Castle Doctrine State, and the homeowner chose to shoot Deyfon, as is right and proper to do in Texas.
"For that matter, Lakesha, you could have warned Deyfon. Why didn't YOU tell him: 'Deyfon, yo' needs to quit breakin' into dem peoples' houses and stealin' dey shit. Else somebody gonna pop a cap in yo'butt.'"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

 

[Busybody]

HAHa

a warning shot..........in the head

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Twerking At The WalMart...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP9GmIKefL8

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!

Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: a rip off

Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

CHINA - a 38-year-old man leaped to his death after an argument with his girlfriend who insisted they continue shopping. CCTV captured Tao Hsiao and his girlfriend in a mall in Xuzhou, Jiangsu province,east China where they had reportedly been shopping for five hours or so before he hit his limit.
Eyewitnesses said Hsiao could be heard telling his girlfriend that they already had more bags than they could carry, but she insisted on hitting one more store where there was a sale on shoes.

An eyewitness said: "He told her she already had enough shoes, more shoes that she could wear in a lifetime, and it was pointless buying any more. She started shouting at him, accusing him of being a skinflint, and of spoiling Christmas. It was a really heated argument."

The argument continued until Hsiao threw the bags on the floor and himself over the balcony, dropping seven stories to his death and smashing Christmas decorations on the way down. He was killed on impact.

A spokesman for the mall said: "His body was removed fairly quickly. He actually landed on one of the stalls below and then fell to the floor so although the store was damaged it meant he didn't hit anybody.

"This is a tragic incident, but this time of year can be very stressful for many people."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

men jokes for women

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Christmas Surprise Will Make You Believe in Santa

Airports are perhaps the least jolly of locales during the holiday season, generally filled with disgruntled people facing delays, lost luggage and other mishaps. But, thanks to WestJet, one gaggle of weary travelers was treated to a Christmas miracle that turned an airport into Santa's workshop.

The Canadian airline, with the help of a virtual and tech-savvy Santa Claus, learned what passengers at the Toronto and Hamilton International Airports — who were waiting to board.

http://mashable.com/2013/12/09/west...:eyJzIjoiZiIsImkiOiJfMHV3OWUwOXR2eGg0a29paSJ9

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Two Sentences That Speak Volumes

1. We are NOT to judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics but on the other hand... "We are encouraged TO judge ALL Gun Owners by the action of a few lunatics." Funny, how that is supposed to work...!

2. The Food Stamp Program administered by the U.S. Dept of Agriculture is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 47.5 million people as of the most recent figures available in April 2013.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Dept of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed The Animals". Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

This ends today's lesson in irony.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Australian Condom Ad Banned On TV

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tBDJVTZmJyw