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Tell a Joke

An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!


1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the

bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.
You can lead a horse to water but

how?

6.
Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7.
No news is

impossible.

8.
A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog new

math.

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust

me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.
An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is

not much.

17.
Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

you have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.
If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you

see in the picture on the box.

24.
When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25.
A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26.
Better late than

pregnant
 
When you live in a tropical area, what’s wrong with having some good old fashioned Christmas spirit? A lot! That’s what! Especially when you decide to deck out the ole palm tree in your front yard. Do you really want to corrupt the whole neighborhood? Women fainting as the pass by the erupting phallic object, kids laughing and pointing, men feeling inadequate and ashamed. No one wants any of that… Be kind this holiday season and avoid lighting up your palm trees.

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/wgrd.com/files/2012/12/lights.jpeg
 
Redneck Pontoon Boat!

http://www.fosters.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=FD&Date=20130801&Category=GJCOMMUNITY03&ArtNo=130809924&Ref=AR&MaxW=600&title=1

A woman went to the Sanford City Clerk’s Office the other day and said, “I want to register my picnic table.”

After a long look and a pause, the clerk said, “Ma’am, we register cars, trucks, motorcycles and vessels that motor on the water.”

“Yes, I know,” said the woman, “so I want to register my picnic table.”

Well, that may not have been the exact conversation, but ultimately the above-mentioned picnic table really did get registered, and in a few hours was motoring around on Square Pond sporting a shiny set of numbers just like all the other boats.

Yes, that is really true, and I was lucky enough to go around the pond on my son’s picnic table!

It seems my daughter-in-law Peggy saw a picture of a picnic table with pontoons on water. She showed it to my son, Greg. You may have guessed already that he has an amazing sense of humor and is capable of building anything he sets his mind to. He decided that a floating picnic table would be a great, fun item to have at their camp at Square Pond. He immediately drew up his plan, got the materials and in no time at all had his “Red Neck Pontoon Boat” launched.



This past Saturday, my granddaughter and her family came “upta camp,” and we all had tours around the lake on the new “boat.” It is a wonderful picnic table with an umbrella. It is set on six white plastic barrels and has a five-horsepower motor.

It is the most fun ever! There is a board to put your feet on — or better still, you can dangle them in the water. The real entertainment is watching people around the lake and on other boats when they spot the picnic table going by. Just imagine a lot of double takes — unbelieving looks, followed by much laughter, waving and thumbs-up.

We always have a great time at camp and everywhere that we get together. We feel so lucky to have four generations enjoying the outdoors, the Jet Skis, and the paddle boat floats and, most of all, spending such quality time together. We have done many fun things and keep reminding ourselves how lucky we are to be able to be together and have such enjoyment.

I must say, I cannot imagine what possibly can top the fun and laughter that the picnic-table rides on the lake provided. It doesn’t get better than having a day of fun, laughter and love with family from Great Grammy Fleurette down to six-month-old Connor, all together on a gorgeous, sunny Maine Saturday at the lake. Well, it does enhance things if someone in the family built a picnic table with a motor! I wonder what the next surprise could be?



By the way, if anyone is curious, the picnic table is registered as a homemade wooden boat.

What else could you call it?
 
Firing Squad
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!"
They all look and the American runs away.
Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!"
They all hit the dust and the German escapes.
Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
 
Great exercise for the coming winter months to stay in shape!

MARINE CORPS EXERCISE REGIMEN FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
PLEASE READ.... UPS/Fed Ex/USPS

The newest virus circulating is the UPS/Fed Ex/USPS Delivery Failure.
You will receive an email from UPS, Fed Ex, or USPS along with a packet number. It will say that they were unable to deliver a package sent to you on such-and-such a date. It then asks you to print out the invoice copy attached.

DON'T TRY TO PRINT THIS. IT LAUNCHES THE VIRUS!

Pass this warning on to all your PC operators at work and home. This virus has caused Millions of dollars in damage in the past few days.

Snopes confirms that it is real...

Package Delivery Virus
 
THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND!

I’ll bet you never knew this!!! In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle. As soon as all the men become fully aroused and develop erections, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the fully erected penises downwards as much as they can and then on a given signal from the center dancer release them.

The men’s penises would then spring back up and go “WHAP!” against their belly buttons. This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity. The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that folk’s is why the current capital of Thailand came to be Named: “Bangkok!!!!!!”.
 
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
 
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.......
 
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