Tell a Joke

Now THIS is pretty cool!
A German Wonderland
There have been little clips about this place for the past few years, it is still not finished but is growing to that conclusion as they will soon run out of space. A short review, it was started by two brothers as a place to show their hobby, it started growing by leaps & bounds. Soon they were joined by other model railroad clubs and other craftsmen. Some were electricians, model makers, carpenters, computer programmers, their wives would stop by to see what they were doing and usually bring them a lunch. One thing led to another, 3 of the ladies had worked at bakery, several visitors would ask if they had a snack bar. The Idea was planted, some of the carpenters came and built a nice restaurant area for the bakery and a kitchen too. If the fresh coffee smell didn't get you then the bakery definitely would. This was about 5 years ago. One of the breweries came and furnished all of the tables and chairs, serving counter and, etc. Their latest finished area is the airport. Planes look like they are flying and landing.

GERMAN WONDERLAND link below - AMAZING
https://www.youtube.com/embed/ACkmg3Y64_s?rel=0
 
Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1 you have to be single and
#2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."


The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
 
Stress management....this really works!

In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in a recent psychological journal. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Your hands are dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the Congressman you are holding underwater.

See? It worked. You're smiling. You feel better already. ;- )
 
Murder at Kroger’s

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS”
 
Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1 you have to be single and
#2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."


The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

LOL..Good stuff Gus
 
“Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good.”
― Thomas Sowell
 
Ya wonder why New Zealand soccer games get so rowdy...?
G1
------------------

Me and the boys played a bit of a joke on our mate Russ. Kegs of beer have been plumbed into every tap in the house, with loads of cameras to catch the action. Took us all day to set up but it was worth it when the icy cool beer came pouring out.

Guy finds his house plumbed with beer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=HG_wfMK7dko
 
Accident in Warsaw
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident in Warsaw last night?
A polish family on vacation lost all of their children.
The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom.
The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.
 
Interesting Patriotic History

Frank Sinatra considered Kate Smith the best singer of her time, and said that when he and a million other guys first heard her sing "God Bless America" on the radio, they all pretended to have dust in their eyes as they wiped away a tear or two.
Here are the facts...

The link at the bottom will take you to a video showing the very first public singing of "GOD BLESS AMERICA ". But before you watch it, you should also know the story behind the first public showing of the song.

The time was 1940. America was still in a terrible economic depression. Hitler was taking over Europe and Americans were afraid we'd have to go to war. It was a time of hardship and worry for most Americans.

This was the era just before TV, when radio shows were HUGE, and American families sat around their radios in the evenings, listening to their favorite entertainers, and no entertainer of that era was bigger than Kate Smith.

Kate was also large; plus size, as we now say, and the popular phrase still used today is in deference to her, "It ain't over till the fat lady sings". Kate Smith might not have made it big in the age of TV, but with her voice coming over the radio, she was the biggest star of her time.

Kate was also patriotic. It hurt her to see Americans so depressed and afraid of what the next day would bring . She had hope for America , and faith in her fellow Americans. She wanted to do something to cheer them up, so she went to the famous American song-writer, Irving Berlin (who also wrote "White Christmas") and asked him to write a song that would make Americans feel good again about their country. When she described what she was looking for, he said he had just the song for her.

He went to his files and found a song that he had written, but never published, 22 years before - way back in 1917. He gave it to her and she worked on it with her studio orchestra. She and Irving Berlin were not sure how the song would be received by the public, but both agreed they would not take any profits from God Bless America . Any profits would go to the Boy Scouts of America . Over the years, the Boy Scouts have received millions of dollars in royalties from this song.

This video starts out with Kate Smith coming into the radio studio with the orchestra and an audience. She introduces the new song for the very first time, and starts singing. After the first couple verses, with her voice in the background still singing, scenes are shown from the 1940 movie, "You're In The Army Now." At the 4:20 mark of the video you see a young actor in the movie, sitting in an office, reading a paper; it's Ronald Reagan.

To this day, God Bless America stirs our patriotic feelings and pride in our country. Back in 1940, when Kate Smith went looking for a song to raise the spirits of her fellow Americans, I doubt whether she realized just how successful the results would be for her fellow Americans during those years of hardship and worry..... and for many generations of Americans to follow. Now that you know the story of the song, I hope you'll enjoy it and treasure it even more.

Many people don't know there's a lead in to the song since it usually starts with "God Bless America ....." So here's the entire song as originally sung.

Click here Click here: YouTube#%21

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=TnQDW-NMaRs
 
Paper wine bottles coming to a store near you
Published November 05, 2013
FoxNews.com

http://media5.starkinsider.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/paperboy-winery-red-blend-greenbottle.jpg
Stranger & Stranger
This brings new meaning to the term "brown bagging it."

GreenBottle, an eco-friendly packaging company based in the U.K., will be launching its first U.S. paper wine bottle in a partnership with California wine producer Truett-Hurst. “Paperboy” -- a 2012 red blend from Paso Robles -- will be the first wine in a paper bottle to be sold globally after making its American debut this week.

The bottle is made out of a compressed recycled paper and is printed with natural inks. Inside is an ultra-thin plastic liner like you find in a box of wine. Not only is it just a seventh of the weight of an average glass bottle, you can even put it in an ice bucket for three hours without it falling apart.

“We also know that consumers will revel in the safe portability and unique easy-pouring characteristics of GreenBottle, as well as the improved insulation properties, all of which combine to make it a great choice for out of home consumption as well,” GreenBottle’s managing director Mark Eaves told The Drinks Business.

GreenBottle currently sells a range of sustainable packaging products including bottles for milk, juice and even household cleaning products, and these bottles have been available throughout Great Britain for over a year. Aside from being lighter to carry, the bottles require less energy to produce, cutting down on the carbon footprint created by glass manufacturing. As an added bonus, GreenBottle claims wine chilled in their bottles will stay cooler longer.

You can find Paperboy in Safeway stores.
 
"If you like your doctor, you’re going to be able to keep your doctor. If you like your plan, keep your plan. .........I think it’s time to give you, the American people, more control over your health.” ~ Barrack Obama.
 
Oooooooooklahoma, OK!!!

CAN A STATE DECLARE THEMSELVES SOVERIGN FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT DIRECTIVES?


Several weeks ago, we passed a law, declaring Oklahoma as a Sovereign state, not under the Federal Government directives. Joining Texas , Montana and Utah as the only states to do so.

THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING, AND TRUE

Oklahoma is the only state that Obama did not win even one county in the last election...
While everyone is focusing on Arizona ’s new law, look what Oklahoma has been doing!!!!

http://www.waterproofpaper.com/printable-maps/oklahoma/printable-oklahoma-county-map-labeled.jpg

An update from Oklahoma :

Oklahoma law passed, 37 to 9 an amendment to place the Ten Commandments on the front entrance to the state capitol. The feds in D.C., along with the ACLU,said it would be a mistake. Hey this is a conservative state, based on Christian values... HB 1330

Guess what.......... Oklahoma did it anyway.


Oklahoma recently passed a law in the state to incarcerate all illegal immigrants, and ship them back to where they came from unless they want to get a green card and become an American citizen. They all scattered. HB 1804. This was against the advice of the Federal Government, and the ACLU, they said it would be a mistake.

Guess what.......... Oklahoma did it anyway.

Recently we passed a law to include DNA samples from any and all illegal's to the Oklahoma database, for criminal investigative purposes. Pelosi said it was unconstitutional SB 1102

Guess what......... Oklahoma did it anyway.


More states are likely to follow: Louisiana , Alabama , Georgia , Carolina 's, , Kentucky , Missouri , Arkansas , West Virginia , Mississippi and Florida . Save your confederate money, it appears theSouth is about to rise up once again. HJR 1003

The federal Government has made bold steps to take away our guns. Oklahoma, a week ago, passed a law confirming people in this state have the right to bear arms and transport them in their vehicles. I'm sure that was a setback for the criminals The Liberals didn't like it -- But....

Guess what........... Oklahoma did it anyway.

Just this month, the state has voted and passed a law that ALL drivers’ license exams will be printed in English, and only English, and no other language. They have been called racist for doing this, but the fact is that ALL of the road signs are in English only. If you want to drive in Oklahoma , you must read and write English. Really simple.

By the way, the Liberals don't like any of this either

Guess what...who cares... Oklahoma is doing it anyway.

non-belivers, check Snopes.
 
Square Testicles

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
 
Three Men
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"
 
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

" I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
 
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a
gentleman neighbor. He had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. the woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your
tomatoes so red?"

The man responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red
from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
 
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