Tell a Joke

[goofygus42]

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.

As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.

Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.

Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!

And the moral of the story is:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[goofygus42]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

 

[goofygus42]

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of ... "dye a rhea"

 

[goofygus42]

OLD COW DIED
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the
car comes to a stop. Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the
chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving." So the chauffeur gets
out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old..
"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy.
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a
big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of malt whisky, the wife gave me a wonderful meal and the daughter made love
to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy .
"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy
Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

We are always hearing about how "Social Security" is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about "Welfare" running out of money...?

The irony is: ...the first group "worked" for their money
...the second didn't.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AFHeZhwEiB0/UbSjbrotmvI/AAAAAAAAH_Y/NG0-jSwOaxM/s1600/377202_356229167811152_835242996_n.jpg

 

[RobDownSouth]

Why do Italians wear gold chains?

To know where to stop shaving!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Did you Know?
Interesting and note-worthy facts about the human body

The Brain
Crossing your arms can reduce pain by confusing your brain.
People generally read from paper 25% faster than from a computer monitor.
Once we reach the age of 35, we will start losing approximately 7,000 brain cells each day—cells that will never be replaced
Your brain is about 2% of your total body weight but uses 20% of your all your body's oxygen and calories.
The average human dream lasts only two to three seconds and the average person has at least seven dreams a night. People with higher IQs have more dreams.
Shoes are now available with a built-in GPS to help locate people with Alzheimer's or other dementia who have wandered away.

Staying Healthy
Some dogs can detect early-stage lung cancer in people based solely on their sense of smell.
Over 90% of diseases are caused or complicated by stress.
Every three minutes a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer somewhere in the world.
The electromagnetic fields produced by mobile phones are classified by the International Agency for Research on Cancer as possibly carcinogenic to humans.
In some Asian and African countries, 80% of the population depends on traditional medicine for primary health care.
The hepatitis B virus is 50 to 100 times more infectious than HIV.
Road traffic injuries are the leading cause of death among young people, aged 15–29 years.
Tobacco kills up to half of its users.
A needle-free, “nanopatch” vaccine delivery system is being developed that could eliminate the need for shots.

Hair & Skin
The main purpose of eyebrows is to keep sweat out of the eyes.
Female hair grows more slowly than male hair.
Humans have about the same number of hair follicles as a chimpanzee has.
Hair will fall out faster on a person who is on a crash diet.
Eyebrow hair lasts between 3-5 months before it sheds and an eyelash has a lifespan of about 150 days.
Every half square inch of the human skin has about 100 sweat glands, 10 hairs, 15 sebaceous glands, and just under a meter of blood vessels.
The average adult skin has an area of about 2 square meters and weighs about 2.5 to 4 kilograms. The entire skin system has about 17 kilometers of blood vessels and 72 kilometers of nerves.
The skin constantly renews itself every 27 or 28 days for a total of 1,000 new “suits” of skin in an average lifetime.

The Heart & Blood
Blood is about 78% water.
The human heart weighs less than 454 grams.
The longer the ring finger is in males, the less chance they have of having a heart attack.
The risk of cardiovascular disease is twice as high in women who snore regularly compared to women who do not snore.
Warfarin, used to clot blood and to prevent blood clots from moving, is the most widely used anticoagulant in North America, but it was originally developed as a pesticide against rodents and it is still available for that purpose.
People who ride on roller coasters have a higher chance of getting a blood clot in the brain.

History
New anti-malarial drugs were developed from a plant that been used medicinally in China for almost 2000 years.
In ancient Egypt, medical institutions were called "Houses of Life."
Tibetan anatomists counted a total of 360 bones in an adult human body, while Western medical books say 206, because they considered cartilage, fingernails, and toenails as bones.
Mustargen (nitrogen mustard) is a poisonous gas and blistering agent once used in chemical warfare that is also used as a powerful anticancer drug.
Botox was discovered in the fat of spoiled pork and was called botulism by the doctor who figured out a medicinal use for it. In the 1960's it was used to correct cross-eyed syndrome.
The oldest known disease in the world is leprosy.
In the early 19th century some people believed that riding a carousel was good for blood circulation.

Eating & Overeating
It takes your food about seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
The human liver performs over 500 functions.
Overeating reduces your ability to hear.
The CDC reports that more people are overweight than underweight worldwide.
Annual flu shots may be less effective for obese people.
You will die from a lack of sleep before you will die from a lack of food.

Children
Over one third of all child deaths worldwide are linked to malnutrition.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
Babies are born color-blind.
Babies' eyes do not produce tears until they are approximately six to eight weeks old.
Pneumonia is the leading cause of death in children worldwide– more than AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis combined.
Your brain changes shape during puberty.

Reproduction
10% of all human beings ever born are alive at this very moment.
The earliest documented occurrence of a fetus yawning is at eleven weeks after conception.
During a normal pregnancy, the average woman's uterus expands up to five hundred times its normal size.
99% of all maternal deaths (death from childbirth) occur in developing countries.
Women who smoke take longer to conceive, suffer from infertility at higher rates, and have higher rates of miscarriage.
Babies hiccup while still in the womb because the respiratory center of a developing child’s brain works just like that of an adult, even though they are not yet breathing air.

senses
Our eyes can distinguish up to one million color surfaces and take in more information than the largest telescope known to man.
Half of all cases of deafness and hearing impairment worldwide could be avoided by prevention, early diagnoses, and proper treatment.
A scent membrane in a human’s nose is about the size of a postage stamp. A dog’s is about the size of a handkerchief.
About 80% of all visual impairments worldwide could be avoided or cured.
The eyeball of a human weighs approximately 28 grams.
Under the right conditions, the human eye can see candlelight from 22 kilometers away.
The eye of a human can distinguish 500 shades of the gray.

Muscles & Bones
The only bone not connected to another is the hyoid, found under the chin and at the base of the tongue.
The only bone fully grown at birth is located in the ear.
The human face is made up of 14 bones.
The strongest bone in your body is hollow (the femur).
You use up to 200 muscles to take a step.
The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.

Teeth
Your teeth started to grow as early as six months before you were born.
People that suffer from gum disease are twice as likely to have a stroke or heart attack.
Smokers are twice as likely to lose teeth as nonsmokers.
A pregnant woman's dental health can affect her unborn child.
Some brands of toothpaste contain an ingredient found in antifreeze (glycerin or glycerol).

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Polish Jokes....Again

Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.

Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.

Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.

Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Hindu.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The white house stafff, just like the Obama Family, are also exempted from the Affordable Care act or better known as Obama Care.


Justify This!!

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/gawker/2011/07/0706_whchart.jpg
HMMM...17% to 86% RAISES IN SALARY FOR OBAMAS WHITE HOUSE STAFF MEMBERS!!

Sounds Like The Oama Administration Is Really Looking Out For The Middle Class Tax Payer, Doesn"t It?

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I have never understood why it is "greed" to want to keep the money you have earned but not greed to want to take somebody else's money.”
― Thomas Sowell, Barbarians inside the Gates and Other Controversial Essays

 

[BusyAfternoon]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.


Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Good Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body...! I don't even know who you are...!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/lets-make-this-simple-gun-control.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Ok, it's official. I'm getting old.
The other day I was walking to the pool.

Looking out of her condo was this smoking hot 20, maybe 25 year old, girl.

I mean she was hot! She was steamin'

http://img.izismile.com/img/img5/20121219/640/beautiful_summer_loving_bikini_girls_640_07.jpg

My thought? "I wonder what her grandmother looks like."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

BREAKING NEWS - Washington Redskins drop the word "Washington" from their name because it's embarrassing.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

This morning I was beaten up by a woman...I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in.

I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "would you please press 1"..?


http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/hot-busty-women-45.jpg?w=500&h=680

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

"The Bear" is an unusually involving film about animals that will give you a fresh perspective on their world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjLCJKoot4U&feature=player_embedded

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The N.S.A. -Is the only U.S. Government Agency that listens!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/208704/739413.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Artist
Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife....

"Honey....! Come see what I created....! It's an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"

She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Quote of the Decade:

"The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit is
a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the US Government cannot
pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial
assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government's reckless
fiscal policies. Increasing America's debt weakens us domestically and
internationally. Leadership means that, 'the buck stops here.' Instead,
Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs
of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure
of leadership. Americans deserve better."
~
Senator Barack H. Obama, March 2006
Pass it on 'til eternity... (It was so nice of him to give us this great
quote for posterity!)

President Barack H. Obama, September 2013
" i will not negoatate the debt limit." six trillion dollar increase in the last 5 years by his administration.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://classicalvalues.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/nixonobama.jpg

I guess there’s a moral lesson here somewhere. What you get away with does not depend on what you do. It depends on who you are.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Last week, my auntie checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum....



She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.



"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"



Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!



Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"



He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://files.purpleclover.com/photos/2013/10/19/53-7741-1938-1382141399.jpg

1938 Film Shows Woman on Cell Phone

When this clip of 1938 factory workers was unearthed last year, conspiracy theories exploded on the Web. Rightfully so, since that woman is clearly talking on a mobile phone. Various "family members" have since come forward, claiming that their great-grandmother always stayed in her own time, but thus far no one's been able to validate their claims.

See it for yourself here.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vwy6gSs-ljA&feature=player_detailpage

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EFwD9szmbwU/T_LyFxIZTzI/AAAAAAAAQZU/clt6RRM-P84/s640/free+sup.jpg