LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

Not Funny...

Obama is blaming Fox News for 2/3 of the country disliking Obamacare. Here's Neal Cavuto's explanation and it is great. If you don't understand what is bad about ObamaCare please read his comments and you will understand.



Mr. President, Fox News isn't what's making Americans sick about your healthcare law. Your healthcare law is. Welcome, everybody, I'm Neil Cavuto. And excuse this departure from form. But I think this is just poor form. So, it's time we set some things straight.

Mr. President, we at Fox News are not the problem. I hate to break it to you, sir. You are. Your words are. Your promises are. We didn't sell this healthcare law. Sir, you did. Remember this?

President Barack Obama: If you like your doctor, you will be able to keep your doctor. Period.

Mr. President, tell that to tens of thousands of retirees at IBM and Time Warner and dozens of others, who've been dumped from their coverage and told to find their own coverage. Fox News didn't break that news to them, Mr. President. Their companies did.

Fox News didn't push more of those firms to hire part-time workers. Your healthcare law did. Fox News didn't incentivize fast food restaurants to scale back their benefits. Your healthcare law did. Fox News didn't make doctors want to opt out. Your healthcare law did. Fox News didn't make insurance premiums sky rocket. Your healthcare law did. Just like Fox News didn't grant hundreds of exemptions to companies that needed them. You did. And Fox News didn't delay one key provision after another, including online enrollment for those small business exchanges. You did.

Just like it wasn't Fox News that said we had to pass this to see what was in this. You did. Or was that Nancy Pelosi? Sometimes I'm confused. But of this I am not. Fox News didn't re-do basic math. Sir, you did. Fox News didn't say you can cover 30 million more Americans and not see a hit in premiums. You did. Fox News didn't say you could throw in those with pre-existing conditions and not have to pay for it. You did. Fox News didn't all but say you could get something for nothing. You did. Fox News didn't come back years later and say, oh yea, we did raise some taxes. You did.

Here's where you are right about Fox News, however, Mr. President. We can do math. And did. You cannot. And did not. We said it, and proved it. You didn't. And we're all suffering for it. Take it from the numbers guy at Fox. Numbers don't lie. The number of Americans working part-time and nervous. The number of retirees days away from being dumped on exchanges and anxious. The number of company bosses with any news to pass along on those exchanges, but still clueless. The number of doctors who want out. The number of congressmen now opting out. No, Mr. President, none of those numbers lie.

But with all due respect sir, I can only conclude you do know; I know, I know you hate us at Fox. But please take a look in a mirror, and fast. You think we're the skunk at your picnic. But that doesn't mean we're the ones that stink. Because that smell isn't coming from the folks reporting on your law. Mr. President, that smell is your law.
 
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man said.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the
gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

"What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when
I pull your tooth."
 
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a Hotel room. Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
 
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes and a small, hunched over man opens the door.

"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry but we don't have a phone, but my master is a doctor, come in and I will get him" the hunchback replied.

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs.

"I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace.

He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!

He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!...The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"
******************************************************************
What did you expect....it's from a demented old friend on the Internet?
 
Why old retirees can't find work

Job Interview
Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Retiree: "Honesty."
Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Retiree: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

>~~~~~End of Interview~~~~
 
I’m posting this significant piece of history out to all of you because I think you’ll be interested.

Interesting

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise (later became Best Foods on the U.S. west coast) was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was
to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New
York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise
ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make
it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of
Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its
delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great,
that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known,
of course, as -
Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT ??? You expected something educational from me
 
The Italian Nursing Home

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. . . . All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"
says Grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.

There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor !

And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The Fucking Arab".
 
More Random Facts I Didn’t Know That I Didn’t Know

1. 78% of NFL players are bankrupt two years after finishing their careers.
2. 60% of NBA players are bankrupt within five years of leaving the league.
3. Male koalas have two penises. Female koalas have two vaginas.
4. In Utah, it is against the law to fish from the back of a horse.
5. If you put a can of Diet Coke in water, it floats. Regular Coca-Cola sinks.
6. Also, according to Utah law (where I live) a husband is responsible for any criminal act that his wife commits while in his presence.
7. Apparently, if you eat a Polar Bear’s liver, you will die of a vitamin A overdose.
8. The number one tire manufacturer in the world? LEGO.
9. If you combine all the ants in the world, they’ll weigh about the same as if you combine all the people.
10. The flamingo can only eat when its head is upside down.
11. Because news traveled so slow back then, slaves in Texas didn’t know they were free for more than two months after Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation.
12. Talk about pressure. Female ferrets die if they can’t find a mate after going into heat.
13. There are 18.6 million vacant homes in America. There are 3.1 million homeless people.
14. Humans have had dogs as companions and workers for more than 14,000 years.
15. A snail can sleep for more than three years at a time.
16. The air quality of Mumbai is so bad, it’s equivalent to smoking 2½ packs of cigarettes a day.
17. Everyone on earth is born with the ability to wiggle their ears, but if you don’t learn how early on, the muscle atrophies and you can’t learn any longer.

18. Richie Ashburn hit a foul ball that hit a fan in the stands. As they were carrying her away, he hit another one which hit her again.
19. More than 13,000 years of human life have been spent watching the Gangnum-Style video.
20. In 1938, Time Magazine named Adolf Hitler Man of the Year.
21. Your fingernails grow faster in cold weather.
22. Four out of five people over the age of 100 are women.
23. Moles can dig more than 300 feet in a single night.
24. The average person eats about 60,000 pounds of food in their lifetime. That’s six elephants, in case you were wondering.
25. There is no word that rhymes with “month.”
26. The Mississippi River once started flowing backwards after an earthquake.
27. The Ribbon Worm will eat itself if it can’t find food.
28. If there are three people involved in a duel, it’s not a duel. It’s a truel. I’m not making this up. It’s truel!
29. The first engines put into Fords? They were made by Dodge…
30. Jimmy Carter once left nuclear launch codes in his dry cleaning. Oops.
31. Cows have the ability to walk upstairs but not down again.
32. People who measure more intelligent also measure more zinc and copper in their hair.
33. Every year, millions of trees around the world grow where squirrels forgot their buried nuts.
34. Baby rabbits are called… kittens.

35. Smallpox does not exist anywhere on Earth except in a laboratory.
36. The brain can’t create a new face. It only remembers faces you’ve seen somewhere before. This includes in your dreams.
37. Nachos were invented by a guy named Nacho.
38. If you love ice cream and eat a lot of it, chances are you’ve had plenty of beaver anal gland extract.
39. Speaking of dreams, did you know that 12% of people dream in black and white?
40. There is a significant population of people in Argentina who speak Welsh.
41. Ulysses S. Grant tried to have the Dominican Republic annexed so that a special safe-haven could be setup for blacks to get away from the Klu Klux Klan.
42. The American Sports industry is worth $422 billion a year, and more than 1% of all Americans are employed by it.
43. Wikipedia banned the Church of Scientology from editing any articles.
44. Farts measure more potently in the shower than they do outside it.
45. Never heard this one. Apparently there is a conspiracy theory that remnants of an Egyptian Civilization was discovered in the Grand Canyon and covered up by the Smithsonian Institute.
46. Two days after they die, ants give off an odor which other ants pick up on. They come pick up the ant and carry it to an ant graveyard.
47. Birds cannot live in space because they can’t swallow without gravity.
48. Freddie Mercury refused to have his teeth worked on because he was afraid it would change his voice.
49. ‘Rubber Duckie’ by Ernie on Sesame Street won a Grammy nomination in 1970. And reached #16 on the charts.
50. In 1995, the winner of the $1 million Monopoly game piece at McDonald’s sent it to St. Jude’s in an anonymous letter.

And now, you know everything.
 
http://www.heritage.org/~/media/69A8757B202C42DCA2CD288789535EE1.ashx
(graph Attached)

We all know that Detroit is a financial wasteland...but
Detroit’s per Capita Obligations Pale in Comparison to Federal Government’s
The city of Detroit filed for bankruptcy in large part due to the city’s huge unfunded obligations, which totaled $26,655 per capita. That amount, however, is only one-eighth the size of the burden currently facing all Americans: The federal government’s $69 trillion in debt and unfunded obligations works out to $218,169 per capita.

$5,777 Intragovernmental debt

$3,900 Other liabilities

$19,827 Federal employees and veterans’ benefit liabilities

$37,610 Federal debt held by the public

$38,870 Social Security unfunded obligations

$112,186 Medicare unfunded obligations

Note: Figures shown are based on $2.8 trillion in the Social Security trust fund and $227 billion in the HI and SMI Medicare trust funds being included in the long-term Social Security and Medicare obligations and are excluded from intragovernmental debt. Source: Authors’ calculations based on data from U.S. Department of the Treasury, Government Accountability Office, Social Security and Medicare trustees’ reports, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, U.S. Census Bureau, and Kevyn Orr, “City of Detroit Proposal for Creditors,” June 14, 2013, http://s3.documentcloud.org/documents/713693/detroit-emergency-manager-kevyn-orrs-report-to.pdf (accessed July 30, 2013).
 
NOW WE HAVE A CHOICE OBAMACARE OR FREE SEX?

I just dialed the 1-800-fuc-kyou for obamacare and got this option:
press 1 for obamacare
press 2 if not
I pressed 1 and got the affordable health care shpiel.
When I pressed 2 I got a free sex line.
How can anyone take this country seriously with this kinda crap . Try it yourself.
 
A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots
by Jeff Foxworthy:


If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn't be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

What a country!
 
Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.

The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.

So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.

So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.

Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.

After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.

The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.

So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.

But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.

The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.
 
There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.

Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

1
Testicles compared to what???
Replies
8
Views
520
Britva415
Britva415
Nectarboy
Looking for a story
Replies
0
Views
51
Nectarboy
Nectarboy
Y
I'm a 47 year old suburban mother of three. My oldest daughter is my wife.
Replies
9
Views
466
12gone
1
C
Looking for a story: husband finds out wife is a corporate whore
Replies
1
Views
93
Chorisero
C
cdstefi
Can you morally separate the art from the artist?
Replies
5
Views
173
Treeview
Treeview
Back
Top