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Tell a Joke

The Incident

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, then graduate and medical degrees in his home town, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted stentoriously. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, but one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
 
t A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.h "Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!’"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!"


You thought I was telling a dirty joke!!

NOT ME!
 
Canadian Editorial Humor Directed at the US



This is Canada 's Top Ten List of America 's Stupidity.

Of course we look like idiots … because we are … I for one am embarrassed!!



10) Only in America ... could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.



9) Only in America ... could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black. 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!



8) Only in America ... could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.



7) Only in America ... can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.



6) Only in America ... would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens.



5) Only in America ... could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."



4) Only in America ... could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.



3) Only in America ... could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).



2) Only in America ... could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.



1) Only in America ... could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all.
 
Need health care coverage? Just dial 1-800-F**KYO to reach Obamacare’s national hotline

http://cdn01.dailycaller.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Obama-middle-finger-YouTube-screenshot.jpg
Need health insurance? The Obama administration has you covered. Simply dial 1-800-FUCKYO to reach the next available health-care provider.

Far from being a mistype, that’s the official number that Health and Human Services wants Americans to dial when seeking health care. Obamacare’s national call center really did list its number as 1-800-318-2596, helpfully spelling out President Barack Obama’s tendency to blatantly flip the bird in plain view.
 
Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
 
Nine most embarassing questions asked by kids:

  1. “Why do you have hair there?”
  2. “My 4 year old little girl: ‘Mommy, why don't you use band aids instead of magic wands when you have a private part boo-boo?’ In CVS.”
  3. “Is Spongebob Patrick’s boyfriend?”
  4. “Why is there only a bone in it in the morning?”
  5. “Do blind people have eyeballs?”
  6. “Sitting next to a woman with bad teeth: ‘Mom, why don't she brush her teeth? Her teeth are dirty.’ ”
  7. “While walking through the store: ‘Mommy, when I get big boobs like you can I wear a leopard bra?’”
  8. “’How'd you break your wiener off?’ (Asked this in line at the grocery store.)”
  9. “In a crowd of people at Walmart, my daughter yells, ‘MOMMY, WHAT IS MONISTAT?!’”
 
Interesting footnote to history ...


Hours after Pearl Harbor was bombed on December 7, 1941, the Secret Service found themselves in a bind. President Franklin D. Roosevelt was to give his Day of Infamy speech to Congress on Tuesday, and although the trip from the White House to Capitol Hill was short, agents weren’t sure how to transport him safely. At the time, Federal Law prohibited buying any cars that cost more than $750, so they would have to get clearance from Congress to do that, and nobody had time for that. One of the Secret Service members, however, discovered that the US Treasury had seized the bulletproof car that mobster Al Capone owned when he was sent to jail in 1931. They cleaned it, made sure it was running perfectly and had it ready for the President the next day.
Al Capone's 1928 Cadillac 341a Town Sedan
Now the President's Limo December 1941
http://www.roadandtrack.com/cm/roadandtrack/images/Gc/1928_Historical_Cadill98-sm.jpg

And run properly it did. Capone’s car was a sight to behold. It had been painted black and green so as to look identical to Chicago’s police cars at the time. It also had a specially installed siren and flashing lights hidden behind the grille, along with a police scanner radio. To top it off, the gangster’s 1928 Cadillac 341A Town Sedan had 3,000 pounds of armor and inch-thick bulletproof windows. Mechanics are said to have cleaned and checked each feature of the Caddy well into the night of December 7th, to make sure that it would run properly the next day for the Commander in Chief.
Footnote: The car was sold at auction in 2012 for $341,000.

More Pictures; http://www.rmauctions.com/lots/lot.cfm?lot_id=1052417
 
Wino

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
 
A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork". The robot slaps the son. "Ok, ok! I was at a friends house watching movies." Dad asks,"What movie did you watch?" Son says,"Toy Story". Robot slaps the son again. "Ok, ok! We were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mom.
 
THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
 
again with the polish jokes...

Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: Did you know that Russia just bought 12,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Poland.

Q: What's the motto of the Poland?
A: Every man for himself.

Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
 
Leno set free...

Now that he's a short timer, Jay does not feel constrained to stay within the network guidelines of "no Obama criticism and staying politically correct" -- what a breath of fresh air!

"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS."
On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans - now we have one."

On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month."

Concerning the Benghazi , Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"

On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS."

"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the subject."

"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records."

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the fifth."

"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'"

"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten."

On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi ."

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."
 
Boudreaux Decides to be a Lawyer

Boudreaux, a Cajun in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in his US Government class.

The professor asked Boudreaux if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about?

Boudreaux pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
 
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