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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

Death by PUN

You might like this to brush up on your English play on words

Someone idle put a lot of work into this one ..................

. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop

any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
 
Last edited:
How can you tell if a Politician is lying?

I don't know. How can you tell if a Politician is lying?

His lips move.
 
POWER OUTAGE

We had a power outage last week and my computer, TV and games shut down immediately.

It was raining, too. I couldn't play golf so I talked to my wife for a few hours....she seems like a nice person.
 
Doolittle Raiders Offer Final Toast To 71-Year-Old Mission

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/media/ALeqM5j4fypBSFCzGod2Ps_TY2Gv56Gz4Q?size=s3

On April 18, 1942, in response to the attack on Pearl Harbor, 80 men in 16 B-25 bombers, took off on a secret mission to bomb Japan. Led by James H. "Jimmy" Doolittle, they became known as the Doolittle Tokyo Raiders.

On Saturday, three of the four remaining Raiders, met for the last time at the National Museum of the U.S. Air Force in Dayton, Ohio.

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1454741/thumbs/a-DOOLITTLE-RAIDERS-404x304.jpg

Waving to the crowd were Lt. Col. Richard Cole, 98, of Texas, Lt. Col. Edward Saylor, 93, of Washington state and 92-year-old Staff Sgt. David Thatcher of Montana. Fellow Raider Lt. Col. Robert Hite, 93, could not make the trip from his home in Tennessee.

After the motorcade pulled into Memorial Park, Cole addressed the crowd: "Ladies and gentleman, once again we meet in this memorial park to reflect on the mission more than 71 years ago. We are grateful we had the opportunity to serve."

Following a B-25 bomber flyover, the Raiders were escorted to a private room above the museum. Next to each man, a framed photograph of his younger self.

Saylor, holding court on one side of the room, says younger generations want him to talk about WWII.

"I got two commitments next week: high schools, rotary club, Kiwanis, military outfits. Lots of interest in it, so I speak quite often," Saylor says.

Across the room, Thatcher gives his thoughts on the mission. "It's really surprising that the public would remember a raid like that so many years ago, just a part of the war effort," he says.

But the Doolittle Raid is seen as a turning point in the war. The raid on Japan boosted the low morale of Americans and forced the Japanese to reevaluate their strategy.

Thatcher's son, Jeffrey, says his father has always been humble about the role he played. "They didn't brag about their exploits, they just felt like it was their duty, and they went and did it and just moved forward with their lives," he says.

In 1959, officials in Tucson, Ariz., presented the Raiders with a set of 80 name-engraved, silver goblets. They're kept in a velvet-lined box, and after each year's toast, the goblets of those who have died are turned upside down. Four remain upright.

This time, the Raiders bring out an 1896 vintage bottle of Hennessy cognac. It was given to Jimmy Doolittle on his 60th birthday, and it has been kept unopened by the Raiders.

Lt. Col. Cole is asked to break the wax seal, but it's not an easy task. When the 98-year-old succeeds, the final toast is offered: "Gentleman, I propose a toast to those we lost on the mission and those who have passed away since. Thank you very much, and may they rest in peace."

More than 71 years of tragedy, bravery and inspiration have lead to this moment. And finally, the Doolittle Tokyo Raiders declare their mission is over.
 
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS



A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic

garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once

in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.



Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,

"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."



"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.

"I'd better go back and see if I can find them.

Thanks for telling me officer.



"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

“Where did you get all that money?

You didn't steal it, did you?"



"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,

right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.

Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' "



"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole,

real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence,

I surprise him, grab hold of it and say,

'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "



"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Not everybody pays."
 
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face'
 
Aphroditiac said:
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face'
Click to expand...

tee hee
 
How children perceive their Grandparents......

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised." Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck. A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
 
So -- I wonder how many takes and how many cars were dented, scratched and smashed during this commercial. I would assume the skaters had no trouble though.

Nothing but cool…

I don’t know how they drive their cars like that on ice.

The U.S. Car Manufacturers make 'zillions' of boring car commercials, and most of us have to 'mute' the hyped sound. The russkies make one commercial a year, 3 minutes long, and this is it.

This is an amazing car ad – on ice. You’ll like it. And at the end they actually give credits and the drivers bow in their cars. Here is an Emergency Link, incase the one below fails;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv7dGhj5UlA&feature=player_embedded
 
BusyAfternoon said:
Nothing but cool…

I don’t know how they drive their cars like that on ice.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv7dGhj5UlA&feature=player_embedded
Click to expand...

I learned to drive on a frozen lake in Wisconsin. In a '52 Studebaker.

The lake in the video had snow on it, so the traction was much better. Clear ice is really slippery.

But basically it is just a matter of doing things slowly, so you don't break traction. No sharp turns of the wheel, no sudden acceleration or braking. And think way ahead, because you aren't going to stop or turn any time soon. 8)

Lovely commercial, brought back memories.
 
Great summary of Obama's time in office.





Bob: "Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?
Jim: "You mean the Mexican gun running?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean SEAL Team 6?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean voter fraud?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"...
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?"
Bob: "No the other one."
Jim: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate's advise-and-consent role?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean the $634+ million in a non-compete contract for Healthcare.gov to a long time Obama contributor who was fired by Canada for failure to meet contract obligations.
Bob: "THAT'S THE ONE!"
 
Balladeer08 said:
I learned to drive on a frozen lake in Wisconsin. In a '52 Studebaker.

The lake in the video had snow on it, so the traction was much better. Clear ice is really slippery.

But basically it is just a matter of doing things slowly, so you don't break traction. No sharp turns of the wheel, no sudden acceleration or braking. And think way ahead, because you aren't going to stop or turn any time soon. 8)

Lovely commercial, brought back memories.
Click to expand...


Is Slogans Heroes your company? Clever.
 
BusyAfternoon said:
Is Slogans Heroes your company? Clever.
Click to expand...

Wish I could take credit for it. I spent three days trying to think of what to name the T-shirt shop. Finally, in frustration, I called up my son and told him about it. He said "Why not Slogans Heroes?" Took him less than three seconds.

I was pretty sure I couldn't do better than that. But it was an odd feeling. Pride, mixed with embarrassment and shock. It was like having Da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa in one stroke.

It just shouldn't be that simple. Certainly it wasn't for me.

I still laugh about it.
 
The importance of correct grammar.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, and handed his ticket to the medicine man.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. Be sure that you take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, my friend, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 
The danger of having sports figures as role models for kids....



1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."





2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."





3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."





4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."





5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."





6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

(Now that is beautiful)





7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."





8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."





9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."





10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."





11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)





12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''





13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."





14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."



Ah, but just think, they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...
 
Balladeer08 said:
Wish I could take credit for it. I spent three days trying to think of what to name the T-shirt shop. Finally, in frustration, I called up my son and told him about it. He said "Why not Slogans Heroes?" Took him less than three seconds.

I was pretty sure I couldn't do better than that. But it was an odd feeling. Pride, mixed with embarrassment and shock. It was like having Da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa in one stroke.

It just shouldn't be that simple. Certainly it wasn't for me.

I still laugh about it.
Click to expand...

The Shirts were also included in the "clever" comment. Do you have a storefront operation, or is it exclusively on line? Years ago I knew a guy who did only Rock Concert shirts. Great niche business.
 
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