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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

Because the American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself from Indian Names, the Washington Redskins have announced that they will change their name to the Washington Foreskins, in honor of all the dicks in Washington DC, effective immediately.
 
HOLY HUMOR

During these serious and troubled times, people

of all faiths should remember these four great

religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's

Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the

leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the

liquor store.
 
Last edited:
BusyAfternoon said:
"IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM" WRITTEN BY A 21 YEAR OLD FEMALE

Wow, this girl has a great plan! Love the last thing she would do the best. This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion. This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco

PUT ME IN CHARGE . . .

Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, or smoke, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your “home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.

We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good.

"Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.

Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self-esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self-esteem. If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices.

The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices AND while you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.
Click to expand...

if only:(
 
Had to share these....too funny!


SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Poor Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike!!!!!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick S O B!!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled, "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed. Best Regards, Charlie Sheen

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "For crying out loud, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

The John
Instead of "the John", I call my bathroom "the Jim". That way it sounds better when I say that, "I go to the Jim first thing every morning."

Have a Great Day !..Unless you've made other plans.
 
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
.....
1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
......
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
.....
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father.'
.....
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
......
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again.'
......
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
......
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
.....
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
.....
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing
so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
 
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and I've ever actually seen a fart before!"
 
Does anyone know why baby diapers are called Luvs & Huggies while old people diapers are called Depends?

Cause if a baby poops in their pants, you are still gonna Luv'em & Hug'em.

If an old person poops in their pants, will they still be Luv'ed or Hugged? That "Depends" on whether your butt is in the Will or not!
 
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"
 
The Choir

It was visitors’ day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir.

"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call themselves the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Songs of Siam, but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam. Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."

"Well," the visitor asked, "what name did they finally agree on?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves... ‘The Moron Tapanapple Choir’."
 
The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work.

Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick.

Bewildered, the husband demanded, "What was that for?"

"I'm sorry," his wife replied stiffly, . . . "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."
 
GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class

the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked

the class, "If you saw a person lying on the

roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would

you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed

silence, "I think I'd throw up."
 
Top ten one-liners of 2013 (UK voters)

  1. “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.”
  2. “I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying.”
  3. “I’m in a same-sex marriage . . . the sex is always the same.”
  4. “My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.”
  5. “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.”
  6. “The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men.”
  7. “You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.”
  8. “The universe implodes. No matter.”
  9. “I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.”
  10. “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.”
 
It's an old one but it always makes me smile.

A man was sitting on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him noticed and asked what the matter was.

He said that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.

The man next to him laughed and said, ''Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"
 
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