Tell a Joke
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beachbum1958
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Many years ago I worked in a London hospital that was being sold to a German medical group, and their people were over constantly, always comparing the quality of our equipment, nursing standards, post-op. care to that they used in Germany, and inevitably the German equipment and systems were better than ours in every respect; we were constantly hearing "In Chermany Ve use blah blah undt it is much better zan zis Englander eqvipmnt, it iss more modern..." and so on, and on, and on, until eventually John, the Senior Registrar had had enough, and during lunch with these jerks mentioned that the last time his father was in Germany he'd used a piece of British equipment that unloaded 14 tons of steel in 10 seconds. The Germans looked sceptical, and asked what could it have been, and without batting an eyelid, John replied "A Lancaster bomber..."
BusyAfternoon
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WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH
Kevin had shingles. those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had... Kevin said, "Shingles". She took his complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. He said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Kevin had shingles. those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had... Kevin said, "Shingles". She took his complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. He said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
BusyAfternoon
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BusyAfternoon
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Serious unforeseen hitch for honeytrap hitchhiker's accomplices.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucjkcIUCr3E&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucjkcIUCr3E&feature=player_embedded
goofygus42
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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and
changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the
other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a
rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke
and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, Sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and
changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the
other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a
rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke
and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, Sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
BusyAfternoon
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A man walked into a hotel with a gator on a leash and ask the clerk for a room.
The clerk says, sure but you aint bringing that thing in with you.
The man says, well this gator is very well trained and will do anything I command.
Watch this says the man as he lifts the gator onto a table,
he taps the gator on the nose and its mouth opens and the man places his penis in its mouth.
5 minutes go by and he removes his penis and taps the gator on the nose and it shuts its mouth.
He says, see, he's very well trained so does anyone else wanna try?
Some ole queer started chirping, I do I do, but I don't think I can hold my mouth open for 5 minutes.
The clerk says, sure but you aint bringing that thing in with you.
The man says, well this gator is very well trained and will do anything I command.
Watch this says the man as he lifts the gator onto a table,
he taps the gator on the nose and its mouth opens and the man places his penis in its mouth.
5 minutes go by and he removes his penis and taps the gator on the nose and it shuts its mouth.
He says, see, he's very well trained so does anyone else wanna try?
Some ole queer started chirping, I do I do, but I don't think I can hold my mouth open for 5 minutes.
BusyAfternoon
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If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and, inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the "team".
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds... that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Congress operates... and this is why, from time to time: ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the "team".
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds... that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Congress operates... and this is why, from time to time: ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
BusyAfternoon
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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
RobDownSouth
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What's the difference between LeBron James and Ariel Castro?
Only one will ever be found hanging from the rafters in Cleveland....
Only one will ever be found hanging from the rafters in Cleveland....
goofygus42
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh darn it, he's a maverick!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: I personally helped little chickens to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or on the side that is not our side. The chicken is either part of the problem, or against us, or for us and is on our side of the road. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: The Republicans are fools for alienating the chickens of this country.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: The problems are very clear . Don't be misled about the chicken's intentions. I am sure we are going to do the right thing. For now.
AL SHARPTON: Why is that only white chickens are crossing the road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize he's acting stupidly by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad in the first place. So instead of having the chicken struggle to cross the road, I'm going to give this chicken a BRAND NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life in danger and poverty like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
FOX NEWS: Some people say these chickens are running away from Obama Care.
PAUL RYAN: To live off of welfare and to steal the jobs of a decent, hardworking American chickens.
BILL O'REILLY: Admit it Obama, You sent that chicken to other side of the road to hide the truth.
PAT ROBERTSON: Because these chickens are gay and have a secret ring that is on the other side of the road.
MICROSOFT: We have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, both ways, but will store your important documents safely into the Chicken Cloud and is part of the new Internet Explorer.
APPLE: We have iChicken 5.0. Which crosses all boundaries, and will be released soon.
LINUX: You are now in charge of the chicken
BARACK OBAMA: Listen to me, the chicken crossed the road and broke the law. To be clear, the chicken has taken secrets vital to the national interest and crossed the road.
NSA: We know all about that chicken.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh darn it, he's a maverick!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: I personally helped little chickens to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or on the side that is not our side. The chicken is either part of the problem, or against us, or for us and is on our side of the road. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: The Republicans are fools for alienating the chickens of this country.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: The problems are very clear . Don't be misled about the chicken's intentions. I am sure we are going to do the right thing. For now.
AL SHARPTON: Why is that only white chickens are crossing the road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize he's acting stupidly by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad in the first place. So instead of having the chicken struggle to cross the road, I'm going to give this chicken a BRAND NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life in danger and poverty like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
FOX NEWS: Some people say these chickens are running away from Obama Care.
PAUL RYAN: To live off of welfare and to steal the jobs of a decent, hardworking American chickens.
BILL O'REILLY: Admit it Obama, You sent that chicken to other side of the road to hide the truth.
PAT ROBERTSON: Because these chickens are gay and have a secret ring that is on the other side of the road.
MICROSOFT: We have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, both ways, but will store your important documents safely into the Chicken Cloud and is part of the new Internet Explorer.
APPLE: We have iChicken 5.0. Which crosses all boundaries, and will be released soon.
LINUX: You are now in charge of the chicken
BARACK OBAMA: Listen to me, the chicken crossed the road and broke the law. To be clear, the chicken has taken secrets vital to the national interest and crossed the road.
NSA: We know all about that chicken.
BusyAfternoon
Literotica Guru
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New Book
A man goes into a book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
A man goes into a book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
BusyAfternoon
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HOW TO SHARE A COKE
Here's an entertaining three minutes from the students of Purdue
University .
- Purdue University 's Mechanical Engineering students
The result--a Coke ad--three minutes of entertainment!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KEBJmZL8G1E
Here's an entertaining three minutes from the students of Purdue
University .
- Purdue University 's Mechanical Engineering students
The result--a Coke ad--three minutes of entertainment!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KEBJmZL8G1E
BusyAfternoon
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SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
BusyAfternoon
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Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my fuckin' bike.
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my fuckin' bike.
BusyAfternoon
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Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player.
It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
~Casey Stengel
It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
~Casey Stengel
BusyAfternoon
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Remembering the "EDSEL"
http://lh6.ggpht.com/_90msBO7rohw/TYbe5h-1YKI/AAAAAAAABts/VUXpGg7OoZs/UNKNOWN.jpg
http://lh6.ggpht.com/_90msBO7rohw/TYbe5h-1YKI/AAAAAAAABts/VUXpGg7OoZs/UNKNOWN.jpg
BusyAfternoon
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Short Poland Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
Q: How do you sink a polish battleship?
A: Put it in water.
Q: Why did the polack put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
Q: What happened to the Polish hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.
Q: Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
Q: How do you sink a polish battleship?
A: Put it in water.
Q: Why did the polack put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
Q: What happened to the Polish hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.
Q: Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.
pippaandsprout
Really Experienced
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whats brown and sticky?
a stick
pip x
a stick
pip x
BusyAfternoon
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BusyAfternoon
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RobDownSouth
BoycotDivestSanctio
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Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 8, he replied: "I still love Vista, baby"
BusyAfternoon
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A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloody didn't."
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloody didn't."
BusyAfternoon
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CAPITALIZATION IS IMPORTANT !!!
From a teacher -- short and to the point
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
From a teacher -- short and to the point
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
Last edited:
BusyAfternoon
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