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WTF....(why the fork)

Fork In Penis Removed After 70-Year-Old Man Stuffs 4-Inch Utensil Into His Urethra (PHOTO)
Men of the world, here's a piece of advice: There are many ways to bring happiness to your Johnson, but sticking a fork into it isn't one of them.

Just ask this 70-year-old Australian man who was rushed to the hospital after he attempted that very feat:

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1305773/thumbs/o-MAN-FORK-URETHRA-570.jpg?15

According to a report published in the International Journal of Surgery Cases earlier this month, the Canberra man was admitted to the hospital with "bleeding urethral meatus" after he stuffed a 4-inch fork into his urethra in an attempt to "achieve sexual gratification."

Fortunately, the report says the fork was successfully removed using forceps and "copious lubrication."

According to the report's authors, this isn't the first time that a man has attempted to insert a foreign object into his nether regions. Pens, safety pins, telephone cables, glue, cocaine, straws, marbles, light bulbs, carrots and snakes, among other strange things, have allegedly been found stuck in penises in the past.

"It is apparent that the human mind is inhibited let alone creative," the authors concluded.

Needless to say, wedging objects into one's penis is a hazardous activity. According to a 2010 study on the subject, the "urological consequences of this type of behavior can be significant and the implications for patients can be serious including death from sepsis."

(Read the full report here. WARNING: The report includes a terrifying -- and GRAPHIC -- image of the fork being removed. We do not recommend viewing it on a full stomach.)
 
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
 
http://www.cntraveler.com/daily-traveler/2013/06/transcontinental-air-mail-route-maphead-ken-jennings/_jcr_content/par/cn_contentwell/par-main/cn_colctrl/par-col2/cn_blogpost/cn_image_0.size.aviation-archaeology-cement-arrows-transcontinental-air-mail.jpg
Every so often, usually in the vast deserts of the American Southwest, a hiker or a backpacker will run across something puzzling: a ginormous concrete arrow, as much as seventy feet in length, just sitting in the middle of scrub-covered nowhere. What are these giant arrows? Some kind of surveying mark? Landing beacons for flying saucers? Earth’s turn signals?


No, it's…

http://www.cntraveler.com/daily-traveler/2013/06/transcontinental-air-mail-route-maphead-ken-jennings/_jcr_content/par/cn_contentwell/par-main/cn_colctrl/par-col2/cn_blogpost/cn_image.size.transcontinental-air-mail-route.png
A re-creation of a 1920s map showing the route of airmail planes; the dots are intermediate stops along the course.



On August 20, 1920, the United States opened its first coast-to-coast airmail delivery route, just 60 years after the Pony Express closed up shop. There were no good aviation charts in those days, so pilots had to eyeball their way across the country using landmarks. This meant that flying in bad weather was difficult, and night flying was just about impossible.


The Postal Service solved the problem with the world’s first ground-based civilian navigation system: a series of lit beacons that would extend from New York to San Francisco. Every ten miles, pilots would pass a bright yellow concrete arrow. Each arrow would be surmounted by a 51-foot steel tower and lit by a million-candlepower rotating beacon. (A generator shed at the tail of each arrow powered the beacon.) Now mail could get from the Atlantic to the Pacific not in a matter of weeks, but in just 30 hours or so.


Even the dumbest of air mail pilots, it seems, could follow a series of bright yellow arrows straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon. By 1924, just a year after Congress funded it, the line of giant concrete markers stretched from Rock Springs, Wyoming to Cleveland, Ohio. The next summer, it reached all the way to New York, and by 1929 it spanned the continent uninterrupted, the envy of postal systems worldwide.


Radio and radar are, of course, infinitely less cool than a concrete Yellow Brick Road from sea to shining sea, but I think we all know how this story ends. New advances in communication and navigation technology made the big arrows obsolete, and the Commerce Department decommissioned the beacons in the 1940s. The steel towers were torn down and went to the war effort. But the hundreds of arrows remain. Their yellow paint is gone, their concrete cracks a little more with every winter frost, and no one crosses their path much, except for coyotes and tumbleweeds. But they’re still out there.
 
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
 
A Boy’s First Condom



I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.



She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.



I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'



So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure



I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.



Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'



So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.



She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.



Then she beat the shit out of me....



Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
 
ANCIENT WISDOM....



Keep THIS IN MINDthe next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
 
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I
noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.
 
Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know our friend Mary went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift using the Obama Care Medical Plan through her new state run insurance exchange.

She didn't have the most pleasant experience. She should've left well enough alone.

We wanted to show you how it turned out. We hope this makes you aware of the quality of care you will receive from the Affordable Healthcare Act (Obama Care)

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . Don't get a Butt Lift using the Obama Care Medical Plan. The “Obama care qualified Doctor” was a 3 year med student from another country making 12 bucks an hour.

Mary regrets her decision, I think and we’ll all will regret Obama care. Below is a picture of the results.

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/back-boob-gross-16.jpg?w=500&h=313
 
Eternal Peace

You may have seen this before, but in case not... Very sad, yet very cool at the same time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgE2KiPd3xg&feature=player_embedded
A concert by Elvis Presley raised $64,000 for the memorial, but federal and individual funding was also involved ( $64000 in 1961 is $484524.85 in 2012.)

The public law stipulated that the monument would be built without federal funding. The Pacific War Memorial Commission was tasked with raising the $500,000 required it build the structure. Several organizations and individuals helped in the effort to raise the required amount. In 1958, the Territory of Hawaii contributed the initial $50,000. On December 3rd, 1958 the popular television series, “This is Your Life” hosted by Ralph Edwards featured Samuel Fuqua, Medal of Honor recipient and the senior surviving officer from the USS Arizona. This broadcast kicked off the public fundraising campaign. Over $95,000 was raised for the new permanent structure. Three years later, singing idol Elvis Presley hosted a benefit concert on March 25, 1961 at Pearl Harbor’s Bloch Arena, raising over $64,000. The Fleet Reserve Association (FRA) partnered with the Revell Model Company to sell plastic models of the battleship USS Arizona. Enclosed inside the kit was donation information on the instruction sheet. This led to a contribution of over $40,000. Finally, on September 6th, 1961, freshman Hawaii Senator Daniel Inouye secured federal funding, which contribute the final $150,000 to complete the construction. In the end, public money was required to meet the goal of the PWMC. The legislation stated that the Memorial was “to be maintained in honor and commemoration of the members of the Armed Forces of the United States who gave their lives to their country during the attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawaii on December 7, 1941.”
 
The masochist says to the sadist, "Hurt me!"

The sadist replies.....



.



.



.

"No."
 
Helpful Hints:


1. Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.

2. Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!

3. Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.

4. Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.

5. To make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.

6. Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic, and at the end of the recipe if you want a stronger taste of garlic.

7. Reheat Pizza Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.

8. Easy Deviled Eggs: Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, and cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

9. Expanding Frosting: When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.

10. Reheating refrigerated bread: To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

11. Newspaper weeds away: Plant your plants in the ground; work the nutrients in your soil. Then wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go, cover with mulch, and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.

12. To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

13. Flexible vacuum: To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

14. Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip to eliminate static cling. It works; you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... Ta DA! ... Static is gone.

15. Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

16. De-fog your windshield: Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

17. Re-opening envelopes: If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Voila! It unseals easily.

18. Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair.

19. Goodbye Fruit Flies: To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

20. Get Rid of Ants: Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

21. Wash your dryer filter: Did you know that cleaning your lint trap with a dryer sheet can ruin it? Dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that's what burns out the heating unit. You can't SEE the film, but it's there. It's what is in the dryer sheets to make your clothes soft and static free, and smell good.
You know how they can feel waxy when you take them out of the box? Apparently that stuff builds up on your clothes and on your lint screen. This is what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! You can test it by running the lint trap under water. If the water goes through you are good. If not then you need to clean it. The best way to keep your dryer working for a long time (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months.

22. Drop a small object on the carpet and can't find it. Place panty hose over the end of the vacuum hose and start vacuuming. The panty hose will trap anything too large to fit through the tiny hose and keep it from getting sucked into the vacuum.

23. Wearing a skirt or dress on a windy day. Cut open a few sections on the bottom seam. slip in some heavy washers or flat weights (anything small heavy and flat will work) then sew the seam back up.

24. Need to cut some corn off the cob. Use your Bundt pan. Place the ear on the opening in the center of the pan, and as you slide the knife down the ear, all the kernels will collect in the main part of the pan.
 
Hard Drive Crash??? PC Stolen???

NO PROBLEM!

Just call the NSA for a backup of all your files.

Just call 1-GOT-YOUR-STUFF

It's only $99--or $199 for Republicans (and don't try to fool us because we know who you are.)

Offer void where prohibited by law; but we really do not care about that part
 
BEST SCOTSMAN PICK-UP LINE EVER

A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.


He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch...

''What's so special about it?'

The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
 
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign. it might be something that We could use to slow down drivers on other roads."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY; Go slow and watch out for chicks!
 
Perspectives....

A doctor from France says: "In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly : "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work.
 
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
 
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