Tell a Joke

[Midnight_Man]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left

 

[goofygus42]

How to Get a Raise

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

[goofygus42]

22 Aphorisms
?
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Stolen From: 90 Miles From Tyranny

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Puerto Rican, a South Korean, and a New Yorker walk into a .....

Subject: 3 Young Strangers Recently Met Online - And When They Sing It Sounds Like Heaven! - Music Video#.UdwDqoPi7GU.facebook


Looks like EL VOLO is going to get some competition!
I also heard them sing another beautiful song...they were GREAT!!!
Hope you can get both the sound and the picture of these young men.

http://www.godvine.com/3-Young-Stra...nds-Like-Heaven--3547.html#.UdwcB74MZV0.email

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Every wonder?

-Why the sun darkens our skin but lightens our hair?

-Why you see the headline, 'Psychic wins lottery'

-Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

-Why the man who invests all your money is called a 'broker'?

-Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

-Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new and improved' flavor?

-Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

-Why they don't make the whole plane out of the same material used for the black boxes?

-Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

-Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

-If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

-Why they call the airport 'the terminal', if flying is so safe?

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://laughterforyou.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/finally-got-my-sink-fixed.jpg

...I’ll send you the name of my plumber! Cheers!!! Not to worry, the left handle does white wine

 

[BusyAfternoon]

THE RAISE

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
?Boss:
Sure, come on in? What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
?Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
?Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..
?Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!
?Boss:
? Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh,the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Dumb Ways to Die

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw&feature=player_detailpage

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://www.goldismoney2.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=19058&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1340260520

 

[SeaDaddy1]

I received a similar response because I lived near the 18,000 foot border for their service and they couldn't guarantee service, went with cable, bundled service and wound up with the same cost.

I went w/satellite provider I'm not happy with now. I just wanted basic with the History Channel. When I asked if my History Channel was mislabeled or if it only showed garbage w/out any type relevant history, they were like "Oh, you need to upgrade/pay more to get History 2 channel. They show what you want"

Fuck'em. I went forever w/out cable/satellite because I couldn't afford it and I thought it was a waste of money. I'm not on a contract so I'm cancelling and switching to Netflix.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Audit


MYRON Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his Accountant, SAUL Meyers.

MYRON: (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me?

SAUL (calming); "Myron, don't worry about it. I've got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you've got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby . I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they'll go easy on you.

Then MYRON called his Lawyer, CHARLIE Steinberg. His Lawyer said:

"Myron it's no problem, I'm sure they got the receipts, I'm sure everything is up to date, you've got a great accountant, don't worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit, it's very important that you make a good impression.

Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you."

And now he's torn. And that night he bumped into his RABBI at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.

RABBI: "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe...cover up, you know, be a little demure.

And the mother says, 'Don't be silly. Wear a low cut "negligee" with the cleavage sticking out --- look a little sexy'............ and Myron I will say to you just like I say to the Bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you're gonna get fucked"....

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

http://pingping.fantasti.cc/big/v/o/y/voyeurtommy/voyeurtommy_77a14f.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Jumpy The Dog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=5I_QzPLEjM4

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Just heard this.....

If Obama had a city......

It would look like Detroit

 

[Earl]

⇧ WTF does that mean?

 

[The Mutt]

⇧ WTF does that mean?

It means that even though the economy and Wall Street have recovered from the pit of hell they were in when he took office, he's still a Negroid.

 

[Pairaclities]

A rather chubby waitress approaches a new customer in a restaurant. Sorry about the wait she says.
It's all right says the customer, I'm sure you will lose it.

 

[Pairaclities]

A man spots a young black man hanging around the door of the bank as he goes in to do business.
When he comes out the young guy says: Any change mister?
The guy says no, you are still black.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Amazing!!!!


http://www.youtube.com/embed/Ai4tPe80S6Q?rel=0

 

[BusyAfternoon]

How to open a beer

... It's a "guy" thing! ...or is it...?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QmKHfYfovk&feature=player_embedded

 

[BusyAfternoon]

DollarShaveClub.com - Our Blades Are Fucking Great

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUG9qYTJMsI&feature=player_embedded

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I don't think Tchaikovsky had this choreography in mind when he wrote

" Swan Lake ."

How could anyone imagine the performance you are about to see.

With a population of nearly 1.5 Billion, the Chinese had to locate one great dancer.. and they did.

Her partner is not too bad either!


www.nzwide.com/swanlake.htm

 

[Balladeer08]

I don't think Tchaikovsky had this choreography in mind when he wrote

" Swan Lake ."

How could anyone imagine the performance you are about to see.

With a population of nearly 1.5 Billion, the Chinese had to locate one great dancer.. and they did.

Her partner is not too bad either!


www.nzwide.com/swanlake.htm

That was AMAZING!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,

here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's thru '60's.

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old

2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the

countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs

with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each

containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory

5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:



DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave