Tell a Joke

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language ! There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
 
I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
 
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.,
but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the
bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice,
"I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the
lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell
into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the IRS."
 
Mensa Question:


You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.


On your right side is a sharp drop off.


And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.


Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.


Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




See answer below


****


****


Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. ****
 
The Double Standard



When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT when a guy orders a 240-volt ScrewMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection pouch, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!

Go figure!
 
NOTICE

The Southeastern meeting for " P-40WHNSTNW " (people over 40 who have not said the ‘N’ word) will be held in the phone booth at the corner of Peachtree St. and Ponce De Leon Ave in Atlanta on....

Monday, July 15.

We apologize for the size of the accommodations but a smaller venue could not be secured.

No meetings are scheduled at this time for Birmingham , Meridian, Ms, Jackson, Ms or Memphis
 
Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

You think English is easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language ! There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?


Sometimes it works out logically, though.

Since the plural of mouse is mice, the plural of spouse would be....
 
Splinters in her crotch

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an
anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that
attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she
hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an
environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all
the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to
go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational
area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, but due to
Obama-Care they turned you down.
 
New Police Radar,

You know how when your late or on a trip trying to “make time” you become a little bit of a lead foot? Well now you not only have to watch for police cars. Here is the all new guardrail embedded radar system! Less staff needed. Which is good in one way, when you call for help more police will be available. Bad, because now you have to watch for bulging Guardrails as well!

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/981thehawk.com/files/2013/05/261750_10151393719971722_1121999570_n-300x211.jpg
 
The Double Standard



When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT when a guy orders a 240-volt ScrewMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection pouch, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert!

Go figure!

Mega Tee Hee


Where can I get one of these?:confused::D
 
How do you know you're being harassed by Unitarian Universalists?


They leave a burning question mark on your lawn.
 
Hoo Lee fuk, could she not tell something was Wong?

KTVU Reports Asiana Air Pilots Were “Sum Ting Wong” and “Ho Lee Fuk”
Investigators scrutinizing the events leading up to Saturday's Asiana Airlines plane crash in San Francisco are examining the behavior of the… Read…
Bay Area news station KTVU just reported that the pilots of Asiana's disastrous flight 214 were the crack team of "Sum Ting Wong," "Wi Tu Lo," "Ho Lee Fuk," and "Bang Ding Ow."

Despite the names obviously being just a bunch of racist jokes, KTVU, which has since apologized for the report, says in a statement given to Gawker—and read on the air—that an NTSB official confirmed the names to them earlier today.

EARLIER IN THE NEWSCAST WE GAVE SOME NAMES OF PILOTS INVOLVED IN THE ASIANA AIRLINES CRASH. THESE NAMES WERE NOT ACCURATE DESPITE AN N-T-S-B OFFICIAL IN WASHINGTON CONFIRMING THEM LATE THIS MORNING. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS ERROR.

Update: NTSB Public Affairs Officer Peter Knudson just told Gawker that the NTSB's policy is to never give out pilot names in these situations, which contradicts KTVU's claims. "I don’t know who [KTVU] got that from, but we do not release names," he said.

Update #2: KTVU has issued another apology on its website. In it, the station maintains that an NTSB official confirmed the fake names: "Prior to air, the names were confirmed by an NTSB official in the agency’s Washington, D.C. office."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFwNfbsPny0&feature=player_detailpage
 
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