Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Detroit sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the crap out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. "What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a 'job'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A couple of Russians drop a grenade into the water and brace for impact!
The hand grenade, which one of them dropped from their inflatable boat, exploded early just as it hit the water knocking the men over and equipment flying into the water.
The explosion did not destroy the boat but the men remain still, stunned by the premature blast but seemed able to get up a few moments afterward.
The video, filmed presumably from a nearby boat, captured the moments as their hand grenade fishing went horribly wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rdlKRcK3Nv8

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Friday's Weather forecast according to the Mayan calendar

http://www.laughnessmonster.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Weather-for-12-21.png

 

[Rolando2]

Little boy came downstair's and sat at the table ready for breakfast. The mother ask, did you get yur chore's done yet? He told her no, so mom said no breakfast until there done. The boy got up and went outside mumbleing and ticked off, so the mom watched out the window to make sure he did them. He walked to the chicken house and was throwing the feed on the ground and hauled of and kicked one of the chicken's as he was leaving. He then went to the pig pen and after feeding, hauled off and kicked one of the pig's. He then went to get the cow out of the pasture and as he was taking her to the barn to milk, he hauled off and kicked her too. The mom was watching it all out the kitchen window. When the boy came back in, the mom sit a bowl of dry cereal in front of him, explaining she saw everything he done. You kicked the chicken, the pig, and the cow, so you get no egg's, no bacon, and no milk for your cereal for the next two week's as punishment for kicking the animal's. Just at that time, the dad came down the stair's and when he got to the bottom, he hauled off and booted the cat across the room. The little boy looked up at his mom and said, well, are you going to tell him or am I.

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-xIDj_KdH0Aw/TT8BK2S29kI/AAAAAAAABaw/t0-Fk1XrfH4/s187/27879397.gifAbout one of the best I have heard in 50 years! Thanks

 

[Rolando2]

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-HXk1nmV4nXU/UNIKBwmLbwI/AAAAAAAACIU/heohMFryRnc/h120/652_terrorist-school.gif

 

[TonyClifton]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce.

The Judge says to Mickey, "Okay, I read here that you are divorcing Minnie because she is crazy."

Mickey replies, "I didn't say she is crazy, I said she is fucking Goofy."

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/a/a6/Goofy.svg/220px-Goofy.svg.png

 

[BusyAfternoon]

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"



I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."



***********



I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.



She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."



I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."



***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.



"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."



After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.



"Come on, what day was I born"?



I said, "Yesterday."



***********



I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.



The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.



***********



I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.



I said, "Nice legs."



The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."



I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?," questioned the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked down at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" Now, after what he'd done to my mule, do you think i was going to tell him the truth?

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Information for your Holiday giving;

Some choices you could make on shopping and dining, based on your political affiliation

AMERICANS CAN NOW DETERMINE WHERE TO SHOP AND SPEND THEIR MONEY

Election Cycle political donations, as reported by the Center for Responsive Politics.

Shopping

Price Club/Costco donated $225K, 99% went to Democrats

Rite Aid donated $517K, 60% went to Democrats

Magla Products ( Stanley tools, Mr. Clean) donated $22K, 100% went to Democrats

Warnaco (undergarments) donated $55K, 73% went to Democrats

Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia donated $153K, 99% went to Democrats

Estee Lauder donated $448K, 95% went to Democrats

Guess, Inc. Donated $145K, 98% went to Democrats

Calvin Klein donated $78K, 100% went to Democrats

Liz Claiborne, Inc. Donated $34K, 97% went to Democrats

Levi Straus donated $26K, 97% went to Democrats

Olan Mills donated $175K, 99% went to Democrats

WalMart donated $467K, 97% went to Republicans

K-Mart donated $524K, 86% went to Republicans

Home Depot donated $298K, 89% went to Republicans

Target donated $226K, 70% went to Republicans

3M Co. Donated $281K, 87% went to Republicans

Hallmark Cards donated $319K, 92% went to Republicans

Amway donated $391K, 100% Republicans

Kohler Co. (plumbing fixtures) donated $283K, 100% Republicans

B.F. Goodrich (tires) donated $215K, 97% went to Republicans

Proctor & Gamble donated $243K, 79% went to Republicans

Spirits

Southern Wine & Spirits donated $213K, 73% went to Democrats

Joseph E. Seagrams & Sons (incl. Beverage Business and considerable media interests) donated $2M+, 67% went to Democrats

Gallo Winery donated $337K, 95% went to Democrats

Coors & Budweiser donated $174K, 92% went to Republicans

Brown-Forman Corp. (Southern Comfort, Jack Daniels, Bushmills, Korbel Wines, Lenox China , Dansk and Gorham Silver) donated $644 K -- 80% went to Republicans

Hungry?

Sonic Corporation donated $83K, 98% went to Democrats

Triarc Companies (Arby's, T.J. Cinnamon's, Pasta Connections) donated $112K, 96% went to Democrats

Pilgrim's Pride Corp. (chicken) donated $366K, 100% went to Republicans

Outback Steakhouse donated $641K, 95% went to Republicans

Tricon Global Restaurants (KFC, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell) donated $133K, 87% went to Republicans

Brinker International (Maggiano's, Brinker Cafe, Chili's, On the Border, Macaroni Grill, Crazymel's, Corner Baker, EatZis) donated $242K, 83% went to Republicans

Waffle House donated $279K, 100% went to Republicans

McDonald's Corp. Donated $197K, 86% went to Republicans

Darden Restaurants (Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Smokey Bones, Bahama Breeze) donated $121K, 89% went to Republicans

Heinz Republicans $64,000 Democrats $21,300! John Kerry's wife's company!!!

Traveling and/or dining

Hyatt Corporation donated $187K of which 80% went to Democrats

Marriott International $323K, 81% went to Republicans

Holiday Inns donated $38K, 71% went to Republicans

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Headlines......

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http://itthing.com/wp-content/uploads/statistic_teen_pregnancy.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

THE NAVY WINE TASTER

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass of wine to taste.
The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please. After tasting the wine,the Chief declared, " a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels,
matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The old Navy Chief tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (I.e., “Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

 

[eric60red]

Curtains

Curtains
A woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains.
He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains in many different fabrics and proceeds to show them to her.

She finally picks out a pink floral pattern.

The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"

"Fifteen inches," she responds.

"FIFTEEN INCHES!" he exclaims. "What room are they for?"

"They are not for a room, they are for my computer monitor," she tells him.

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."


To which she replies, "HELLooooooo.........I've got Windows!"

 

[eric60red]

Twas the night before Xmas

WARNING: This is NOT a joke
for the kids and contains
language and "adult
humor". If you're easily
offended, please delete
------------------------------

'Twas the night before
Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone
, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted
, and the phone off the
hook

It was time for some
nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in
the nude

Had just hit the bedroom
and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn
there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner and
poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while
she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of
the snowman we'd built,

Showed a broom up his ass
,
clean up to the hilt.


When what to my
wondering eyes should
appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and
eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver,
half out of his sled,

A sock in his ear, and a bra
on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was
as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team,
but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa
Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa
Putz,

Either slow down this rig
or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp
post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh,
'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp
post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out
and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we
heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer
now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to
cover my ass,

When down the chimney
Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly
with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and he
smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,

"The reindeer are pooped
,
and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen,
himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his
pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung
nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa
reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone,
and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found
was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun
with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms
was Santa's next find,

And a six pair of panties,
the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a
penis extension,

And several other things
that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,

So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking
and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug
tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but
his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and
broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took
the reins of his hitch,

Saying, "Take me home
Rudolph, this night's been a
bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone
when we heard Santa shout,

"The best thing about sex is
that it never wears out!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California . The Captain gets on the loud speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America !"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Tennessee Police Department has issued notices to all liquor stores that they have raised the minimum drinking age in that state to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Twas the night before Christmas, Italian Style

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=-fOX35UiTBc

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Jingle boobs...jingle boobs...Jingle night and day....Oh what fun it is to watch them bounce and swing and sway.

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[BrianCaster]

Jingle boobs...jingle boobs...Jingle night and day....Oh what fun it is to watch them bounce and swing and sway.

http://aaoobbr.stormlogix.net/pipermail/aaoobbr_aaoobbr.stormlogix.net/attachments/20120524/bc38128d/attachment-0014.gif

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Great stuff!

 

[BrianCaster]

 

[Busybody]

"Should Santa Claus still be fat?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Should Santa Claus still be fat?"

"Santa is a role model, and kids don't want to have a role model that's fat."

Kids don't want? Has any kid ever complained about Santa being fat? But various adults are keen on controlling the messages that reach kids, and in this light, Santa needs to be thoroughly examined for inappropriate messages.

I'm going to begin a list:

1. He keeps a list. I have here in my hand a list... This is McCarthyesque and oppressive.

2. He's checking and rechecking the list. This is the stuff of obsessive compulsive disorder.

3. He's a grown man obsessing over whether children are naughty and nice. Obviously creepy. Also puritanical.

4. He watches children when they are sleeping. This condones the invasion of privacy (or worse).

5. He smokes. (This bad-example-setting has already come in for censorship.)

6. He wears fur.

7. He stokes materialism.

8. He takes credit for the work of others (deflecting appreciation that properly belongs to the parents).

9. He operates as an endorsement of a rigid class system by creating the impression that wealthy children are more deserving of gifts than the poor.

10. He breaks into houses at night.

11. He relies on sweatshop/slave labor.

12. He exploits animals.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Great stuff!

Thanks man...

 

[BusyAfternoon]

"Should Santa Claus still be fat?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Should Santa Claus still be fat?"

"Santa is a role model, and kids don't want to have a role model that's fat."

Kids don't want? Has any kid ever complained about Santa being fat? But various adults are keen on controlling the messages that reach kids, and in this light, Santa needs to be thoroughly examined for inappropriate messages.

I'm going to begin a list:

1. He keeps a list. I have here in my hand a list... This is McCarthyesque and oppressive.

2. He's checking and rechecking the list. This is the stuff of obsessive compulsive disorder.

3. He's a grown man obsessing over whether children are naughty and nice. Obviously creepy. Also puritanical.

4. He watches children when they are sleeping. This condones the invasion of privacy (or worse).

5. He smokes. (This bad-example-setting has already come in for censorship.)

6. He wears fur.

7. He stokes materialism.

8. He takes credit for the work of others (deflecting appreciation that properly belongs to the parents).

9. He operates as an endorsement of a rigid class system by creating the impression that wealthy children are more deserving of gifts than the poor.

10. He breaks into houses at night.

11. He relies on sweatshop/slave labor.

12. He exploits animals.

Hey Busy....is this the original busy?

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Do it yourself
jigsaw Christmas card

Click Here http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I wish you the wonder of Christmas!!!!

A Kids View of the Christmas Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ki8EcnVbd-Q