Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

Three Dead Cops:

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Now I feel retarded. That pear bottle stumped me good. Fucking asparagus, I always forget about you. Boxing? Meh. Grammar was there, but I forgot the brackets.

Love your tagline:
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting ~ Gloria Leonard
It is the lighting....

 

[RobDownSouth]

What did one tampon say to the other?

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

A simple minded shy lad decided to lose his virginity and went into buy some rubbers and the female clerk decided she might be the one to help him as saw signs of his inexperience. He told her he wasn't exactly sure how to use. She got one out and put it on his finger rolling it down and told him then he would be ready for sex. She asked if he would come by her place and she would help him the first time.
He showed up and she invited him into her bed room and he didn't want the lights on and she said okay, I'll cut them off and go in and change into my sexy gown and for him to get in bed nude and put the rubber on and let her know when for her to come out.
He finally told her ok and she climbed into bed and after a short play session she noticed he was hung well and ready. She told him to place his cock into her pussy slow and work it around and after a few sessions she told him to give it all he had as she was ready. Well when he cummed she seemed to feel it strong and hollowed out," Didn't you put a rubber on?" He held up his finger and said, "Yep here it is!"

BuzyAfternoon.....keep up the jokes....love them.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING & suffering dementia?

#1: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...) - (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener, and she said they didn't have any, only “;Splenda and sugar!”)


#2: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)


#3: A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (Keep shuddering!!)


#4: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


#5: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


#6: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.




Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A few thoughts on college football

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the
meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he
doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on
Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday
in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
___________________________________________
___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player
dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of
his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress
themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
___________________________________________

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football
player’s life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

BuzyAfternoon.....keep up the jokes....love them.

Thanks for the shout out Chatman2.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Why I Would Never Use A Glory Hole

http://cdn.nudevector.com/t/384/875/8.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Breast Size Chart--A Public Service

http://www.bigbustsupport.com/image-files/breast_size_chart.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A lifer at a maximum security prison initiated a conversation with his new cellmate. "Ya know, he started to say, I was married 3 times" explained the con to the new fish, and I'll probably never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said the new prisoner, "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the fuckin' mushrooms."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.


It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at
various heights,

and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound
system.


It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it Olive green
with pink trim.

The City Council told me; Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It's the Government I'm irritated with...

 

[BusyAfternoon]

How To Tell a Joke

Buddy Hackett on Johnny Carson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=spPmm4YAELg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a policeman was interrupted by a cute little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a policeman?" "Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said, if I ever needed help I should ask policeman. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," he said. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward him, "Would you please tie my shoe for me?"

 

[TonyClifton]

http://up.xhamster.com/000/022/756/149_1000.jpg

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
- Rodney Dangerfield

 

[TonyClifton]

"Miami Beach and Jews" by Jackie Mason

http://up.xhamster.com/000/022/755/001_1000.jpg

Miami beach you can tell is Jewish.You know why?

Nothing moves in Miami beach.

If there's a Jew on a vacation they're only looking for one thing, a place to sit.

If he sees a chair, it's a successful vacation.

Jewish resorts are the only place that advertise "Brand new lobby!"

There's the lobby, that's the chair.

They spend their whole vacation judging chairs.

"This is a better chair than that chair." Irving you call this a chair?

Come here you gotta try this chair!

Take a look I found a chair!

When a Jew feels like an athlete, he makes an announcement, "I'm going for a walk."

You know where they walk?

To another lobby, another chair and that's it.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

This is why men don't design Christmas wrapping paper:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jh50R5_Mo1g/SUkLC4dW-HI/AAAAAAAAANg/iGKlUgP_IzE/s400/xmaspaper4.jpg
http://i33.************/2vuew09.jpg
http://www.forwardon.com/attachments/2008-12-17/1229549310338ATT85044.jpg
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jh50R5_Mo1g/SUkLCu1SkoI/AAAAAAAAANY/8hbFjXjE1oU/s400/xmaspaper3.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Paul Newman
founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife,
Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with
the kids. A counselor at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients
wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star,
explained, 'That's the man who made this camp
possible Maybe you've seen his picture on
his salad dressing bottle?' Blank
stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on
his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://funnypixels.sketweb.com/viewcaption.php?caption_id=4590&type=full

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

A cat was crossing a rail road track and a train came along and cut off the tip of his tail after he crossed the last rail. The cat turned around real quick to see what happened and the train cut off it's head.

The moral of that story is "Never lose your head over a little piece of tail!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

With zips, power plugs, laces and buttons adorning their bodies, these young models look like something out of a travelling freak show.

But they are in fact the latest walking exhibits of Japanese artist Chooo-San's incredible illusionary make-up art.

Takes a few to load...http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...s-buttons-power-plugs-laces-painted-skin.html

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

New Word......Exhaustipated

Here is a new word to add to your Vocabulary.

It will be especially useful to you guys that overwork, over play and over sex.

Exhaustipated: meaning too tired to give a Shit.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Why Quarterbacks Need Short Last Names...

http://media.regentcomm.com/elp/klaq/morningshow/funny/romo.bmp

http://media.regentcomm.com/elp/klaq/morningshow/funny/roethlisberger.bmp