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Tell a Joke

His wife's graveside
service was just barely finished, when there was
a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous
bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man
looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there."
 
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A police officer arrived on the scene almost immediately and pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began to put up a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the paramedics. Later, when he was calm, the cop asked him why he struggled so much. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'
 
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early your Honor," replied the defendant. "That's no offence," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," the prisoner replied.
 
Socially Unacceptable Humor

I was in bed with a blind girl last night. She said my penis was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet!


Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt. Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!" He says, "What did you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the thrift shop and got back all her clothes.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day; I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. "Mexicans" wasn't the right answer either.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but they've
banned me from it after I asked to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

A buddy of mine was just telling me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. My post said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I knew, four thousand Muslims befriended me!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip I said to the
lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular-people porn, you sick bastard!"

The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help with the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches as far as the driveway.
 
How about a little satire humor to start your day......

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually. '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'




Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'Im going to take that.'
 
My name be Eboneesha Hernandez-Jefferson, a African-Hispanic-American Girl who just got a award for bein the bess speler in class. I gots a 67% on the spelin text and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringin drugs to class, 5 points for not bringin guns to class, and 5 points for not gettin pregnut during the cemester.

It be hard to beat a score of 120%. White dude who sit nex to me is McGee from Jaxon Mizipy. He got a 94% on the text but no extra points on acount of he have the same skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago.

Granny ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and Liberuls for suportin afermative axion. You be showin da way to true eqwallity.

I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor when Barrac take over da healfcare in dis contry.

DISCLAIMER. this is just a joke! It is not intended to be a racial slur of any kind. Take it as that and nothing else.
 
I stole this one from the telly, but I thought it was rather good.

Men can multitask, they can easily fuck six things up, all the same time.
 
Last edited:
Little Johnny story,
You gotta love him!



Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!
 
BusyAfternoon said:
Little Johnny story,
You gotta love him!



Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!
Click to expand...

 
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We finally got it right!!!!!

It all makes sense now – gay marriage and marijuana being legalised on the same day in some US states.


Leviticus 20:13 – “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We’ve just been interpreting it wrong all these years.
 
Can't Say Tits: A new deputy for a small town was writing up his first police report one day following a minor traffic accident. He submitted the following report to the Sheriff. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on both her tits." The chief scolded the new deputy, saying, "We don't use words like "tits" when filing a police report. If this got into the papers the town would have my ass in a sling. Cross that shit out and write something more appropriate!" The young officer thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Sheriff the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her
( o )( o )'s."
 
Quiz for Bright People--

There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers..

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be
replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine;
it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw'
and they are all common words. Name two of them. Ah, try all three.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can
you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet
beginning with the letter 'S.'



Scroll......to see answers........




Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the
contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:
Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet
each year because of the millions of gallons of water that
rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own
for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the
bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small,
and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place
for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are
snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma,
colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation
point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes,
stockings, stilts
 
A plane is going down... A woman stands up and says
"If i'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there any man here that can make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up and takes off his shirt, and says
"Here, iron this!"
 
As told by comedian Ed Gamble.
(Paraphrasing some of this)


"I cant eat fruit because they’re anagrams for things I’m morally against”

I cant eat PINEAPPLE because I'm against bestiality and PINEAPPLE is an anagram for APE NIPPLE

I cant eat MANGO because I'm against Male People Leaving and an anagram for mango is - MAN GO

I cant eat MELON because I hate lemon and melon is an anagram of - LEMON

I cant have LEMON because I just hate them, we've established that above.

I cant have TANGERINE because i'm against anal oral sex and tangerine is an anagram of - EATEN RING

I cant have PASSION FRUIT because i'm against Mathematicians indulging in golden showers and passion fruit is an anagram of - RATIO PISS FUN

I cant have PEAR - Quite simple - RAPE

I cant have POMEGRANATE because I don't think the X-men should ever be sexually violent and pomegranate is an anagram of - MAGNETO RAPE
 
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