Tell a Joke

[osprey44]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that
approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

[osprey44]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either !!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Watch this very short video. This is funny in a sad and painful way.



THE DOORBELL

Line Blog held a prize competition for $100,000 for whoever can most effectively and creatively dramatize the significance of the federal debt crisis. Any creative product was eligible: videos, songs, paintings, screenplays, Power Point presentations, essays, performance art, or anything else. Several entries have gotten a lot of attention and a lot of views or listens. But unquestionably, the most popular so far is Doorbell. If you haven't yet seen it, here it is.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Taliban Singles Dating Club


http://stuffucanuse.com/shockwave/taliban_singles.htm

 

[BusyAfternoon]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Are you a real cowboy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=C_YP-GYb2Pc

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in
New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your
hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.



Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Funny Police Videos/911 Calls/Public Stupidity


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wu4FsLBKm9E&feature=player_embedded

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Were You Cool in High School?



Take the Test?



This test is based on how cool you were in High School.

What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated, etc.

It's pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.

COOL PERSON TEST

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

 

[BusyAfternoon]

What is the smallest caliber gun you trust to protect yourself?

The best answer:




My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket.

Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion, or family member because if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.
Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap was all it took . . . . . the bear got her and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

That's one of the best pistols in my collection...

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Animal imitator......

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=27163

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A couple stepped up to the desk clerk of one of the city's hotel.

"I'd like a room with a bath for my wife and myself, said the young man.

"I'm terrible sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but the only room available doesn't have a bath...only a shower."

"Will that be all right with you, darling?" the man asked the young woman at his side.

"Sure, mister," she said.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard. She slipped and fell.


Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered, "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me
in the next election? "


The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''You know ... I fell on my ass ... not on my head!"

 

[texasace]

The second coming...

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

The Priest asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

Because I swallowed the first one, she answered.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Groaners, Sorry.
--------------

When chemists die, we barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea...? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first...? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils...?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary...? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.

Velcro!!! What a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again...? Oh deer...!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

 

[bluntforcemama]

This is from my son: What did the peanut say to the police officer?

I got a-salted.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

HISTORICAL TRIVIA

Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington ... In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.



*********************************

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)



******************************

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig... ' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.



*********************************

In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal.. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'



*********************************

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement.. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . .. . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'



*********************************

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace..



*********************************

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades...' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck..'



********************************

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'



**********************************

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.

**********************************

One more: bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem....how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

 

[Rolando2]

If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, seek medical attention, or, click on the link below:

http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/0dNI2Ge0slbxP/x610.jpg
:​

D

 

[Rolando2]

http://mylifedock.com/how-a-usaf-missile-knows-where-it-is

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A primary school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked

them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by third graders.

Their insight may surprise you.

While reading, keep in mind that these are third-graders, 8-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the
bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.

5.
You can lead a horse to water but
How?

6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.

7.
No news is
impossible

8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Maths

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust
Me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.

13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is
not much.

17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded..

22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box

24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way

25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.


And the WINNER and last one!

26
Better late than
Pregnant

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Now that I'm 'older (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

ONE - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO - I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

THREE -Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FOUR -All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

FIVE -If all is not lost, where is it?

SIX -It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

SEVEN -Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

EIGHT - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

NINE -It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

TEN -Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

ELEVEN -If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

TWELVE -When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

THIRTEEN -It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

FOURTEEN -The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

FIFTEEN -These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ This has got to be the best lines for those of Us who are still performing on Our Mature Stage!

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Now that I'm 'older (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

ONE - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO - I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

THREE -Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FOUR -All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

FIVE -If all is not lost, where is it?

SIX -It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

SEVEN -Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

EIGHT - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

NINE -It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

TEN -Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

ELEVEN -If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

TWELVE -When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

THIRTEEN -It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

FOURTEEN -The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

FIFTEEN -These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

LET HIM FINISH DRAWING!! You like Art???

Things are not always what they seem at first glance ------Get your mind out of the gutter.....

Let him finish drawing!----
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VqFDgzR1Sk&feature=player_embedded