Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

Deeply profound thoughts by men.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

WHY THEY NEVER GET BORED IN North Dakota



http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=REyfFjr5ZoU

Fire Hose Rodeo

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton with a degree in the Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Medical School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary, feeling little guilty, says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.


"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"


The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."


The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"


"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.”


"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."


"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.


"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg
were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.
Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000."
Cohen says, "I will go for $200,000".
Ginsburg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000."



Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation; you, Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO; and Ginsburg, for your $1,000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Why Women Lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes'. The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Try to read this without laughing out loud . . ..

What a wonderful coming together of two diverse groups!
We need more gatherings where the idiot activists are given warm, moist, aromatic welcomes like this one. This is why PETA usually protests women wearing fur rather than bikers wearing leather. Sounds to me like the old saying, "you mess with the bull, and you get the horns".
Gee, I guess these characters thought that Bikers were going to be 'politically correct' like the rest of the wimpy world.
HERE'S HOW POLICE FOUND ONE OF THEM.



Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) - Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.

"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong." The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanting to use leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer, "motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it, ergo, they should stop."

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen Van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation; however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous, “said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail.
"That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

TWO WELCH WOMAN......



I was in a pub on Saturday night.

Had a few....I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked,

"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"



One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"



So, I immediately apologized and said,



"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"



That's the last thing I remember...

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The $ 50.

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in my front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, far left liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "Well, if you were President what would be the first thing you would do?

"She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But, I told her you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!"
"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guys hang out,
and you can give them the $50 to use toward food and a new house.

"She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Great T-Shirt.....


http://mediacdn.snorgcontent.com/media/catalog/product/s/e/secondbasetsa_f_fullpic_2.jpg

 

[texasace]

The Battle...

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response

Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V.. Gina

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I bet this guy will never Jaywalk again!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ejHHr-KKQU&feature=player_embedded

 

[Freija]

The definition of bipolar?


A sexually curious bear.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

"President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 than he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The definition of bipolar?


A sexually curious bear.

Funny.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

 

[BusyAfternoon]

For those of us with a weird sense of humour.... you know who you/we are! �Nice to know you're not alone isn't it?

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.


Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.


Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.


Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!


My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.



A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.


I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.


I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.


KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.


Dyslexics Have More Nuf.


In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote
"The Hokey Pokey",died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.


Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.


Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


I am having an out-of-money experience.


Corduroy pillows are making headlines!


I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

 

[Rolando2]

A New Zealander just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats
.It’s doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
Kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
One of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
In a voice just as t hreatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
Exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
Out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
And I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
For a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
With a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
In a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
When you predict snow but do n't get any! We had a
Female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
To have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
And asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
Promised me last night?'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Very Short Letters!

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2012,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black?
WTF happened?
Sincerely,
1985


Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some
Spanish dirtbags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of
shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

 

[johndoe7today]

Little boy came downstair's and sat at the table ready for breakfast. The mother ask, did you get yur chore's done yet? He told her no, so mom said no breakfast until there done. The boy got up and went outside mumbleing and ticked off, so the mom watched out the window to make sure he did them. He walked to the chicken house and was throwing the feed on the ground and hauled of and kicked one of the chicken's as he was leaving. He then went to the pig pen and after feeding, hauled off and kicked one of the pig's. He then went to get the cow out of the pasture and as he was taking her to the barn to milk, he hauled off and kicked her too. The mom was watching it all out the kitchen window. When the boy came back in, the mom sit a bowl of dry cereal in front of him, explaining she saw everything he done. You kicked the chicken, the pig, and the cow, so you get no egg's, no bacon, and no milk for your cereal for the next two week's as punishment for kicking the animal's. Just at that time, the dad came down the stair's and when he got to the bottom, he hauled off and booted the cat across the room. The little boy looked up at his mom and said, well, are you going to tell him or am I.

BWAHAHAHA

I love all little johnny jokes:

Ms. Smith stopped to reprove Johnny for making faces: "Johnny, when I was small, my mother used to tell me that if I made ugly faces, at some moment it would freeze and stay like that." Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't forewarned."

The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot. "What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period." – "Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?" – "Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one... Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself."

Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." I promise not to mention his
ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said," This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.

Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good? The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be screwed if he needed to wear glasses"

 

[johndoe7today]

> A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan ..
> He's making land mines that look like prayer mats and It's doing well.
>
> Are you ready for the punch line,scroll down for it!
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> He says prophets are going through the roof.
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ROFLMAO

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Golfing with the wife

Old joke put to video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsoC3UWQzJY&feature=player_detailpage

 

[BusyAfternoon]

back to lifeWonder which one is going to bring him back to life faster?

 

[philos]

I need to re subscribe

 

[renard_ruse]

Tell a Joke

RoryN / Bad Baby Sitter