Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

A government social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the

Mountains of West Virginia and was on first

tour of her new territory when she came upon the

tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.



"Anybody home?" she asked.



"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.



"Is your father there?" asked the

social worker.



"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the

kid.



"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social

worker.



"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the

kid.



"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"



"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

 

[Hotcappucino]

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?


Having your dentist tell you.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A WOMAN'S Poem, A Mans POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Little Johnny

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure.........." "When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last fucking thing we need."

 

[Hotcappucino]

Ed teed off on the seventeenth hole, but his drive sliced high and cleared the fence bordering the golf course. The foursome watched the ball bounce down the street where it was immediately lost from view. Ed teed up another ball and this time hit a beauty straight down the fairway.

When the group reached the eighteenth tee, a motorcycle cop was waiting, perched on his motorcycle.

"Did one of you hit a golf ball over the fence on the last hole?" he asked.

Embarrassed, Ed raised his hand and said, "I did, officer. Did I hit a car?"

"You might say that," the officer said seriously, alighting from his bike and stalking over to Ed. "Your ball bounced down the road and shattered the windshield of a school bus. The bus driver panicked and swerved across the road, slamming into a house. Fortunately the kids are OK, but the bus driver suffered severe lacerations and a broken leg."

"Oh, my goodness," exclaimed a horrified Ed. "What ... what should I do?"

"Well," said the police officer, reaching into Ed's bag for his driver. "Try turning your wrists this way."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

New Events Scheduled For 2012 Olympic Games

I gave her an all-around score of "9.5".......she was a little shaky on one of her approaches. Really looking forward to the Olympic Games this summer..............

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x919fo_how-to-raise-olympic-attendance_sport

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Origin of Golf --- Robin Williams at his best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcnFbCCgTo4&feature=player_embedded

 

[Rolando2]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears​

 

[thør]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10
cents."



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They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to
be true...










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The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What will it be, gentlemen?"






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There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.







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In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not
stirred.






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"That'll be 10 cents each, please," he tells them




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The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.




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They can't believe their good luck.





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They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced.









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Again the bartender tells them, "That's 40 cents, please," and they pay.







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Their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis
and haven't even spent a dollar yet.




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Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime apiece?"








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"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender tells them.








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"I always wanted to own a bar and last year I hit the Lottery jackpot







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for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a
dime.





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Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."






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"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.





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As the four of them sip at their martinis, they




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can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't
have





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any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time
they've been there.








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One of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?", nodding at the
other group.





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The bartender says, "They're retired people from Minnesota. They're
waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Atheism defined...



http://cdn.iwastesomuchtime.com/March-22-2012-23-02-49-atheism.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

This is almost too accurate to be funny.

You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...


A Muslim officer crying "Allah Akbar" while shooting up an army base is considered to have committed "Workplace Violence" while an American citizen boasting a Ron Paul bumper sticker is classified as a "Domestic Terrorist".
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally.

=========================================================== You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more of our money.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

The Supreme Court of the United States can rule that lower courts cannot display the 10 Commandments in their courtroom, while sitting in front of a display of the 10 Commandments.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Children are forcibly removed from parents who appropriately discipline them while children of "underprivileged" drug addicts are left to rot in filth infested cesspools.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Working class Americans pay for their own health care (and the health care of everyone else) while unmarried women are free to have child after child on the "State's" dime while never being held responsible for their own choices.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Hard work and success are rewarded with higher taxes and government intrusion, while slothful, lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid and subsidized housing.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.
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You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Politicians think that stripping away the amendments to the constitution is really protecting the rights of the people.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

The rights of the Government come before the rights of the individual.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Parents believe the State is responsible for providing for their children.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

You can write a post like this just by reading the news headlines.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

You pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your neighbor defaults on his mortgage (while buying iphones, TV's and new cars) and the government forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage (with your tax dollars).
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Your government can add anything they want to your kid's water (fluoride, chlorine, etc.) but you are not allowed to give them raw milk.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

You have to have your parents signature to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burqa is only subject to having her neck and head searched.
===========================================================
You know you live in an Upside-down Land if...

Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and signing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art".
===========================================================
Our world has been turned upside-down.
We are in distress. Where do we go from here?

 

[Rolando2]

How to keep an idiot busy
scroll down





















































































































































































































































you made it! Congratulations!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Men: Stay Away From Kohl's!

http://content.clearchannel.com/cc-common/mlib/1084/03/1084_1332970229.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Guide dog for Muslim women

http://www.faithfreedom.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/burkadog.jpg

 

[Joeybagadonuts]

Sal was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting
A personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than
likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will
have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be
spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just fuckin' with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"











=

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Never Fart In A Mimi Cooper


http://www.demotivation.us/media/demotivators/demotivation.us__Never-Fart-In-Mini-Cooper-.jpg

 

[Hotcappucino]

Two gay guys are standing on the side of the highway, thumbs out, hitching for a ride. An eighteen wheeler pulls over and the truck driver pushes the door open, shouting, "Hey, fellas, hop right in."

The truck resumes its journey, and the three begin talking about their travel experiences across the country.

After a while, one of the gay gentlemen asks the truck driver, "Say, do you mind if I fart in your truck?"

The truck driver answers, "Hell, we're all men here, go right ahead."

So the guy lets out a "fffffffffft."

At another break in the conversation, the second gay guy asks the truck driver, "Say, Mr. Truck Driver, do you mind if I fart in your truck?"

The truck driver replies, "We're all men here, go right ahead."

So the second gay guy lets out a "fffffffffft."

Finally, after another few minutes, the truck driver turns to the two gay guys and asks, "Say, you boys don't mind if I fart, do you?"

"Oh, no," one of them answers, "go right ahead, it's your truck."

So the truck driver lets out a "PPPPPPPPPPPTTT."

Then one of the gay guys turns to his friend and remarks, "Obviously a virgin."

 

[Earl]

Eino and Toivo, two upper Michigan handymen were hired to paint a flag pole and were going to be paid by the inch. As they were standing at the base of the flagpole looking up, trying as they may to figure how much to charge, a young woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We are supposed to find the height of this flag pole" said Toivo, "But we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

Eino shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a woman! We asked for the height and she gives us the length!!"

Eino and Toivo are currently working for the government......

 

[Hotcappucino]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife hanging a full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door.

"What do you have there, hon?" he asked.

"It's a magic mirror, and I only paid $600 dollars for it!" his wife answered.

"What??? $600??? For a magic mirror??? Don't tell me you fell for that."

"Just watch, honey."

She stood before the mirror and chanted:
"Mirror, mirror, on the door,"
"Make my boobs a 44."

POOF!

All of a sudden, the buttons on her blouse popped off and her now full breasts spilled out over the top of her bra.

"Wow," her husband exclaimed, his eyes bulging wide. "Do you think it will do anything for me?"

"Why don't you give it a try?"

So her husband stood in front of the mirror and chanted:
"Mirror, mirror, on the door,"
"Make my penis touch the floor."

POOF!


His legs fell off.

 

[CandiCame]

Named my Ipod the Titanic.
So I could watch it Sync.

 

[CandiCame]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasaurass.

 

[CandiCame]

I was gonna get a job as a prospector.
It didn't pan out.

 

[CandiCame]

So, 2 guys walk into a bar-
Don't you think the second one would have seen it?

 

[CandiCame]

Not really a joke, but there's a sign outside the KRCC building (where I go to drug rehab) that says, "Keep off the grass".

I know what it means, but it's funny to me, assholes.

 

[pleasuretool]

Drunk guy stumbles in to the bar and walks up to the bartender. Having drank way too much, he throws up right down the front of his shirt. "My wife is gonna kill me, I puked all over my shirt again" slurred the drunk man. The bartender contends, "Try this, when you get home put $20 in your front pocket and tell your wife someone else puked on your shirt and they gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned up." Enlightened and encouraged the drunk man tells the bartender he's a genuis and adds "I'm heading home right now!!"
As soon as he hits the door his wife is already on him"You puked on your shirt again, didn't you!!" "NO no no" stammered the drunk, "someone else puked on my shirt and gave me $20 to get my shirt cleaned up, see." he said handing her the money. His wife looks at him and then at the money and says "well there's $40 here." The drunk man states "oh yeah he shit in my pants too."