Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

^^^ This is good. ,, in fact I have attended one or two of these same lectures ........

 

[fair_warning]

Last month the UN conducted a world-wide survey. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
4. In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
6 In South Africa they didn't know what 'please' meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

[sweet_lusciousdesire]

sheep farmers

What do you get sheep farmers for their birthdays?











A pair of velcro gloves

 

[Rob1514]

How many blondes does it take to go ice fishing?





Five ....






One to cut the hole in the ice, and four to push the boat through.

 

[sweet_lusciousdesire]

My fav joke

A poet and a ukranian were standing at the pearly gates of heaven wanting to get in. Peter was watching the gates and said, " Sorry guys, there is only room for 1." The poet being a quick thinker said: " How about if we come up with a poem and whoever has the best poem gets in?"

Peter thought this was a great idea. " Okay," he said, "but the poem has to rhyme and use the word Timbuktu in it."

After about a half hour the poet was ready.

Far away in a distant land
Along came a caravan
It's destination no one knew
Perhaps it was on it's way to Timbuktu

Peter thought this was pretty good.....then it was the ukranian's turn....

Tim and I went a huntin
We came across three women who were a tentin
They were 3 and we were 2
So I bucked 1 and Timbuktu

 

[Emily124]

So a man walks into a bar with a monkey.

...I forget the rest of the joke, but your mom is a whore.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

So a man walks into a bar with a monkey.

...I forget the rest of the joke, but your mom is a whore.

Now THAT is funny!!

 

[deehere]

We all know that the Knight in Shining Armor can turn out to be a retard in tinfoil, but have you ever stopped to consider that the damsel in distress is a genuine psycho who was locked in the tower for a very good reason?

The Knight in Shining Armor a Retard in Tinfoi....priceless! Laughing so hard I'm crying

 

[VaticanAssassin]

How do you get a tissue to dance?
You put a liitle boogie in it.

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

 

[piccicatopolka]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/521921_10150702734291880_272284236879_9366389_449760616_n.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'.

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

 

[piccicatopolka]

Ack!

 

[Freija]

A lesbian plummer had to go down a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

 

[Weird Harold]

A teddy bear is working on a building site.

He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been
stolen.

The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's
the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

[1Wheels111]

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa253/bi_jewel234/Lit1.jpg

 

[1Wheels111]

http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa253/bi_jewel234/Lit3.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Feeling Unappreciated?



The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one
ever notices you, think of this guy:


Things Got You Down? Well Then, Consider These . .READ ON!!

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,
on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with
the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM
Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00
AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the
evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate
them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him
with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been
happily listening to his iPod.


Are You OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two
helpless protesters were trampled to death.


What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It
came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb;
he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!


There now, Feeling Better?

 

[BusyAfternoon]

CAPE BRETON LOVE STORY

Norm & Donna live by a lake in the north. It was early winter and the lake had frozen over.

Norm asked if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her- "Nah, just put it on our tab".

So Donna walked across, got the smokes at the general store, then walked back home across the lake. When she got home and gave Norm his
smokes, she asked him - "Norm, you always tell me not to run up the tab at the store, so why didn't you just give me some money this time?"

Norm replied, "Well, I didn't want to send you out there with some money when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was yet".

 

[Rolando2]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 

[shamelessZZZ]

^^^ This is really Good !

 

[shamelessZZZ]

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.



They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about ‘normal’ tricks.

“Well,” they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. They shook hands. As they talked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

This is Rich !

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!



There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!