Tell a Joke

[tocurpussy]

During a visit to a mental institution, a visiter asked the director how they went about determining if someone need's to be institutionalized. Well, said the director, we fill up a bathtub full of water, then we offer the person a teaspoon, a teacup, or a bucket, then ask him or her to empty the bathtub. The visiter said oh, ok I understand. The normal person would choose the bucket because it's bigger than the other two. No said the director. A normal person would open the drain. Would you like a bed near the window?

 

[Achelous]

A wife tells her husband "I can make u happy and mad all at once. " not beileveing her he say " go ahead and try." she turns to him and says" ur dick is bigger than ur bothers ."

 

[sdineen]

d

Minister is raising money for his church three poor people donate $5 each.
The hat comes to the town's riches man, he drops in a dime.
Minister Prays Lord help us raise this money. Piece of the sealing hits the rich man, he drops in $100. Minister says Lord Hit him again!

 

[fat_and_balding]

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?

A six inch steak knife.

 

[Lovinglife26]

Why did God give women foreheads?

So you have a place to kiss them after cumming in their mouths!

 

[Lovinglife26]

How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?

By checking whether or not his woman has to chew before swallowing.

 

[in_oral_office]

The Golf Addict

One day a man decided to retire...


He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in thebathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a GolfCourse ?"

 

[wetsofty]

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

great thread

 

[in_oral_office]

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

great thread

beats me babe

 

[in_oral_office]

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.



When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."



The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."



"But I didn't use them," she said.



"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.


The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00."



"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."



Don't mess with Senior Citizens

 

[Cthulhu1138]

A man and his wife have bickered constantly throughout their 40 year marriage.
One day the man has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

Later that night, the wife comes in, her hair done, wearing her finest dress, bearing a bouquet of flowers. She leans over the bed and plants a tender kiss on her husband's forehead.

Oi just want you to know Clem," she says softly, "When you die I'm going to dance on your grave."

The man smiles; "Thats alright Harriett--I plan to be buried at sea."

 

[tocurpussy]

A man and his ever-nagging wife took a vacation trip to jerusalem. While they were there his wife suddenly passed away. The funeral director that was making the arrangements told the man, we can ship your wife's body back home, but it will cost 5000 dollar's to do so, or we can make arrangement's and bury her here and it will only be 150 dollar's. The man studied over his option's for a moment and told him to ship her home.
This kind of puzzled the funeral director some and curiosity got the better of him, so he asked the man why he would choose to do that when there was such a price difference between the two and jerusalem was such a pretty place. The man's response was simple. He said many year's ago you buried a man here and after 3 day's he rose from the grave, and frankly, I ain't taken that chance

 

[zhelp]

A man and his wife are having sex. The man says to his wife, "Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The man's wife says to him, "You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends".

A wife tells her husband "I can make u happy and mad all at once. " not beileveing her he say " go ahead and try." she turns to him and says" ur dick is bigger than ur bothers ."

.....

 

[zhelp]

A six inch steak knife.

ouch -- but I like it..

A man and his ever-nagging wife took a vacation trip to jerusalem. While they were there his wife suddenly passed away. The funeral director that was making the arrangements told the man, we can ship your wife's body back home, but it will cost 5000 dollar's to do so, or we can make arrangement's and bury her here and it will only be 150 dollar's. The man studied over his option's for a moment and told him to ship her home.
This kind of puzzled the funeral director some and curiosity got the better of him, so he asked the man why he would choose to do that when there was such a price difference between the two and jerusalem was such a pretty place. The man's response was simple. He said many year's ago you buried a man here and after 3 day's he rose from the grave, and frankly, I ain't taken that chance

ohhh damn..

 

[zhelp]

This one is a little messed up....



A man and his new girlfriend are having sex for the first time...
The condom breaks... she says to him, "don't worry, I already have AIDs"


.

 

[DonQuixoteindfw]

Here's one for ya...

A newlywed couple finally makes it up to the honeymoon suite after their reception, the bride disappears into the bathroom to change and the groom strips naked and hops into bed, pulling th covers up to his waist. After about a half hour the bride exits the bath wearing a sexy night gown of pure white silk and says "My darling, does this gown please you?" The groom looks at his lovely bride and says "Oh yes my darling, come to me." The bride slowly slips the gowns straps from her sholders and it slips to the floor revealing her large firm breasts, cupping her breasts the bride says "From now on no other man will ever touch these, does this please you?" The groom says "Oh yes come to me my darling." The bride then slides her her sexy little white thong off her hips and down her long silky legs and steps out of them, looking at her husband she spreads her legs slightly, opening her freshly shaved pussy, spreading her lips open further with her fingers and says "Darling, from tonight forward no other man will ever be able to savor my tight little pussy other than you, does this please you?" The groom sits up in bed and says "Oh yes my darling, come to me now" and throws the covers off of his lower body, revealing his hard little 5 inch cock. His bride looks at his erect member and asks her new husband "and just who do you think you're going to satisfy with that little thing?" The groom looks back at his lovely bride and says "ME Bitch, now get your ass over here."

 

[tweetygal]

Two guys were on the golf course, one guys pulls out his 10 inch Bic to light his cigarette. "Damn, that's a big lighter, where did you get it?" The first guy says "I got it from my golf bag genie. Would you like a wish?" Well, yeah. So the genie appears and the guy says "For my wish, I want a million bucks"....

In a few minutes, the sky became dark and about a million ducks flew overhead. "What the hell?" the guy says ...... a million ducks I didn't ask for that...

Oh snap the first guy says I forgot to mention my genie is slightly hard of hearing ? Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?

 

[firstclassmale]

I went to sears and got a vascetomy..thats the goodnews..the bad news is that everytime I get excited and get an errection the damn garage opener opens the door.

 

[in_oral_office]

I went to sears and got a vascetomy..thats the goodnews..the bad news is that everytime I get excited and get an errection the damn garage opener opens the door.

that is funny

 

[fat_and_balding]

A man is on his death bed with his wife ...

"Sally, when when I got into that car accident years ago, you were with me. And when I lost my job, you were right beside me. When I lost the business I started, and also our house, you were there. When I had the heart attack, you were by my side. When I got this cancer, it was you who was with me. And now that I am dying, you are here. I just wanted to say ..."

"Yes darling?"

"I think you are bad luck!"

 

[tminu]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

 

[sillynsexi]

A married couple were relaxing in bed after sex.
The wife pulls back the blankets to go to the bathroom, when she sees a dildo in her husband's hands. She angrily stands up and demands an explanation.

Her husband grins, and says "I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids!!"

 

[sillynsexi]

I read recently that there are Wal-Marts in China. I wonder if they go in, pick something up and say "Hey, I made this!"

 

[sillynsexi]

We all know that the Knight in Shining Armor can turn out to be a retard in tinfoil, but have you ever stopped to consider that the damsel in distress is a genuine psycho who was locked in the tower for a very good reason?

 

[in_oral_office]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

well said babe , you can give me a life sentence