Task or Punishment?

[Trixabell]

I received a task a few days ago from my Master (long distance) that was very involved and lasted all day. It required completion during work hours and while no one around me was any the wiser, I was incredibly self conscience and more than a little uncomfortable. By the end of the day I was emotionally exhausted. Normally when I complete a task I have such a great feeling of accomplishment but last night I was just done. I figured out today that I was reacting to this task more like a punishment and I have not felt right since.

Has anyone else experienced a task that even though they were able to complete left them feeling more punished than anything else?

 

[subish2009]

I received a task a few days ago from my Master (long distance) that was very involved and lasted all day. It required completion during work hours and while no one around me was any the wiser, I was incredibly self conscience and more than a little uncomfortable. By the end of the day I was emotionally exhausted. Normally when I complete a task I have such a great feeling of accomplishment but last night I was just done. I figured out today that I was reacting to this task more like a punishment and I have not felt right since.

Has anyone else experienced a task that even though they were able to complete left them feeling more punished than anything else?

Yes, i have. You should tell him your feelings. He's not obligated to adjust future tasks and punishments accordingly, but he deserves the right to the information so he can decide for himself. Also, he'll surely be able to tell you're feeling weird and will want to know why. But if he didn't intend it to be a punishment, you both need to work together to figure out why it unwittingly turned into one.

 

[Trixabell]

Thank you subish! This has never happened to me before so I have been very uneasy about how I have felt the past 24 hours.

I have a writing assignment due Monday and this will for sure be the topic! I know he didn't mean it as a punishment and thought I was up for the task. The upsetting part is realizing that I was not ready for it based on how I reacted. The mix of feelings is hard to describe but I think other subs understand.

 

[subish2009]

Thank you subish! This has never happened to me before so I have been very uneasy about how I have felt the past 24 hours.

I have a writing assignment due Monday and this will for sure be the topic! I know he didn't mean it as a punishment and thought I was up for the task. The upsetting part is realizing that I was not ready for it based on how I reacted. The mix of feelings is hard to describe but I think other subs understand.

I totally understand and am sure I won't be the only one. This happens. Don't beat yourself up about it. It doesn't even mean that you necessarily weren't ready for this task...it could have been hormone fluctuations messing with your brain, any emotional baggage from other parts of your life interfering, the stars were poorly aligned... Seriously, a week from now, it's possible that you would have had a completely different reaction. The important thing is to do what you can to figure out why it went wrong, then let go of it. You did what he asked. He didn't say you had to love it. He just said you had to do it, right? There's no failure here, remember that.

 

[Trixabell]

He didn't say you had to love it. He just said you had to do it, right? There's no failure here, remember that.

Love the way you put that! You are exactly right! That is part of it I guess because he was under the impression that I would like it and be very turned on all day. I did mention to him briefly that there were a few times during the day that I was not feeling great and was ready for it to be over but I have not shared that it was the majority of the day - that will be hard to explain. But communication is always the key and knowing I am not alone feeling this way is a big help!

 

[MasterPhoenix]

To give you some feedback from the D side of things.

Do tell him how you felt about it...

However, there are times when the goal of the assignment is for you to do something difficult simply because it is required.

 

[JMohegan]

I received a task a few days ago from my Master (long distance) that was very involved and lasted all day. It required completion during work hours and while no one around me was any the wiser, I was incredibly self conscience and more than a little uncomfortable. By the end of the day I was emotionally exhausted. Normally when I complete a task I have such a great feeling of accomplishment but last night I was just done. I figured out today that I was reacting to this task more like a punishment and I have not felt right since.

Has anyone else experienced a task that even though they were able to complete left them feeling more punished than anything else?

It seems to me that there's a broader issue here.

Is interference with your energy & focus at work okay with him? Is it okay with you?

 

[eastern sun]

I agree that you should be open in your communication about everything you're feeling, but you've hit the reality of submission.

We get so turned on by thoughts of submission, we can't imagine what it would feel like to not enjoy it.

You have to ask yourself why you want this sexual experience. Are you looking for a certain degree of sexual pleasure? An opportunity to experience certain activities? Are you looking for a certain kind of emotional experience? Or a certain kind of partner?

Be clear with yourself, at least as clear as you can be.

Otherwise you'll keep looking to someone else to give you this elusive "high," and be disappointed when it all just turns out to be a bit gross, clumsy, awkward and embarrassing in real experience.

 

[Trixabell]

To give you some feedback from the D side of things.
Do tell him how you felt about it...
However, there are times when the goal of the assignment is for you to do something difficult simply because it is required.

I am always looking for the D side so thank you. I often have to be reminded of the goal of the task. This one had many as most do, only one being that my mind would be on him all day. The difficulty involved I think was to be a sign of how much I have grown as a submissive in the past few months - my reaction of disappointment to the task had me questioning this very thing - I think I need to let that go and focus on the positive.

It seems to me that there's a broader issue here.
Is interference with your energy & focus at work okay with him? Is it okay with you?

No its not okay - not to this extent, and not when I have a highly stressful day.

I agree that you should be open in your communication about everything you're feeling, but you've hit the reality of submission.

We get so turned on by thoughts of submission, we can't imagine what it would feel like to not enjoy it.
You have to ask yourself why you want this sexual experience. Are you looking for a certain degree of sexual pleasure? An opportunity to experience certain activities? Are you looking for a certain kind of emotional experience? Or a certain kind of partner?
Be clear with yourself, at least as clear as you can be.
Otherwise you'll keep looking to someone else to give you this elusive "high," and be disappointed when it all just turns out to be a bit gross, clumsy, awkward and embarrassing in real experience.

Awkward and embarrassing are right! I have come to terms with that but like a good Dom, once I hit a comfort zone things step up. I had been in a comfortable place for too long so this task overwhelmed me.

I am looking for all of those things that you mentioned. My deepest desire is to please him in all that I do so the fact that I reacted in a way he did not expect was very upsetting. I am going to blog about my reactions and give him time to process it before we talk - unless of course I just spill the beans when we chat tonight.

 

[FurryFury]

Work place play is a hard limit for me.

I have had tasks that made me feel like a damn clown. When I've felt that way it was because I had little or no connection or trust for the person giving the task though.

 

[JMohegan]

No its not okay - not to this extent, and not when I have a highly stressful day.

In that case, you need to find a respectful way to tell him, in clear and unequivocal terms, that he was out of bounds in assigning this task. You did it, it's over, you're ready to move on, but it is not okay for something like this to happen again.

I realize that a message like this might be tough for many s-types to deliver. But you have an obligation to your employer, who pays you to accomplish their tasks, to the best of your ability, during work hours. Not his.

You also have an obligation to yourself. Sense of fulfillment and pride in your professional accomplishments, as well as an ongoing need to pay the bills.

 

[00Syd]

I can't deal with tasks just for the sake of having a task. It always seems clumsy, awkward, and embarrassing to me. Completing a task simply for the sake of completing a task doesn't make me feel submissive, it makes me feel like a malfunctioning automaton.

 

[Netzach]

In that case, you need to find a respectful way to tell him, in clear and unequivocal terms, that he was out of bounds in assigning this task. You did it, it's over, you're ready to move on, but it is not okay for something like this to happen again.

I realize that a message like this might be tough for many s-types to deliver. But you have an obligation to your employer, who pays you to accomplish their tasks, to the best of your ability, during work hours. Not his.

You also have an obligation to yourself. Sense of fulfillment and pride in your professional accomplishments, as well as an ongoing need to pay the bills.

I can't agree with this more.

When the Dom in question can support the person should they get fired or arrested over the activity in question going worst case scenario all of a sudden, fine knock yourselves out, you should do as you're told. But the reality is most D's can't and haven't even considered it and wouldn't do it if it was time to put up and show some honor if you got your property all fucked over.

Personally I've had H do some outlandish things covertly at work but he loves it and he's an insitgator type and he's all into it. I'm cheerleading more than forcing in these cases, so it's not the same thing. He's said "no that won't work" when it comes to this kind of play periodically and I back off those things rather than pressing. I can press other things.

 

[his_lil_secret]

Please forgive the interjection of a newbie around here but I have to agree whole-heartedly with the poster who said that you would have to make it abundantly clear that tasks which adversely impact you at work are off limits.

I recently found myself in a very similar situation in which the task I had been asssigned caused me to be unfocused and unprofessional while at work because, as He had mandated, my focus was solidly on him and accomplishing this task to please Him. While I am obedient to His wishes I had to speak with Him soon after to let Him know that I couldn't do anything like that again. I explained that it greatly impacted my performance at work and in a very negative way. That it wasn't as if I could say to my colleagues or my supervisor, "I'm gonna be a bit off my game today because I'm in a D/s relationship with a person who has demanded that I perform such and such a task and I can't focus on that and my job at the same time so just pick up the slack for me ok?"
Thankfully He was completely in agreement with me and commended me for being able to come to Him and tell Him so as He knew how hard it would be for me to risk in any way disappointing Him. I would like to think that your Dom would have a similar understanding.
I totally agree with you about hating it when tasks feel like punishments, but I have found that this generally happens when I don't clearly see what He has in mind for me. I have discussed this concern and pretty much been told, "You do things pet because I tell you to do them and I wish them to be done. If I wanted for you to ponder their meaning I would tell you so. You are always allowed to decline my assignments, you are not puppet, however you are aware of the consequences such choices bring"

 

[BiBunny]

I can't deal with tasks just for the sake of having a task. It always seems clumsy, awkward, and embarrassing to me. Completing a task simply for the sake of completing a task doesn't make me feel submissive, it makes me feel like a malfunctioning automaton.

Yes.

I'm really lucky that my Owner people are not "Jump through hoops just because it makes us feel all Domly-Dom(me) when you do" people. That'd get old quick.

 

[Trixabell]

You dont know how nice it is to hear that I am not alone on this one! Until Friday it had never occurred to me that I may feel this way so the support is wonderful.
I definitely will take the advice and let Him know how I have been feeling and hopefully we can work something out so that I am at least not too distracted to do my job. I hate to have to say anything but if I dont it will just snowball into something bigger that could have been avoided.

 

[Trixabell]

*Update*

Unfortunately he read my blog and was not pleased. We IM'd for a while put he was clearly too upset to discuss it. I am hoping that we can work this out but I wont know until we speak to each other - hopefully by the end of the week.
Thank you all for your support!

 

[midwestyankee]

*Update*

Unfortunately he read my blog and was not pleased. We IM'd for a while put he was clearly too upset to discuss it. I am hoping that we can work this out but I wont know until we speak to each other - hopefully by the end of the week.
Thank you all for your support!

This raises a red flag for me. If he was too upset to discuss the matter, you may not know the answers to these questions but I'd want to know what upset him. What was it about your blog that upset him? Was it the fact that you blogged about the task and your reaction? Was it the nature of your response to his task?

The fact that this upset him so much that he could not even discuss the matter suggests that he may not be as mature as you require.

 

[JMohegan]

*Update*

Unfortunately he read my blog and was not pleased. We IM'd for a while put he was clearly too upset to discuss it. I am hoping that we can work this out but I wont know until we speak to each other - hopefully by the end of the week.
Thank you all for your support!

Is this a blog to which only he and you have access, or do you also share the blog with other family or friends?

 

[subish2009]

*Update*

Unfortunately he read my blog and was not pleased. We IM'd for a while put he was clearly too upset to discuss it. I am hoping that we can work this out but I wont know until we speak to each other - hopefully by the end of the week.
Thank you all for your support!

Agreed with MWY and JM... What was the reason he was so upset? Do you know? I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I know you were upset about the day and then anxious about having to tell him. Do you think it was the way the problem was communicated to him? As midwestyankee said, definite red flags here. Please share more info if and when you're comfortable doing so. Hugs.

 

[FurryFury]

I'd rather you told ME than your blog or at least told me first. So I'd be upset too.

 

[subish2009]

I'd rather you told ME than your blog or at least told me first. So I'd be upset too.

See, when she had a writing assignment due Monday and then mentioned the blog, I assumed that was for him. Yeah, we need more info here.

 

[midwestyankee]

I'd rather you told ME than your blog or at least told me first. So I'd be upset too.

I can understand some upset, especially if he felt that she had misled him or gone around him in some way. What I don't get, though, is this business of "being too upset to discuss it." That smacks of low maturity to me.

 

[subish2009]

I can understand some upset, especially if he felt that she had misled him or gone around him in some way. What I don't get, though, is this business of "being too upset to discuss it." That smacks of low maturity to me.

Could be. Or it could be mature enough to realize he needed to cool down before saying something he'd regret, to organize his thoughts, etc. I can't imagine what she could have said to elicit such an extreme response, though. I'm sensing some miscommunication on a grand scale here...

 

[midwestyankee]

Could be. Or it could be mature enough to realize he needed to cool down before saying something he'd regret, to organize his thoughts, etc. I can't imagine what she could have said to elicit such an extreme response, though. I'm sensing some miscommunication on a grand scale here...

If he were mature enough to back off in order to cool down, don't you think that he would have said so in so many words? Presumably she would have reported it that way, though we can't be sure. It's entirely possible that he did exactly as you described it and she misrepresented him to us.

It's never easy to hold a reasonable discussion about relationship dynamics when you have only one side of the story.