Swim

[EvilLibrarian]

I don't write very much, especially not poetry. But I was MSNing with a friend and was very turned on thinking about swimming with him. This poem is actually a cleaned-up version of our MSN conversation.

This is for Charlie and looking forward.

Swim

I want to feel your skin against mine
wrap my legs around you in the water,
swimming, swaying with the current
feeling the rhythm of the water and the earth,
moving our hips together to that rhythm
kissing, touching and being so close


nothing else exists


slide you inside me,
lift me up and down in the water on your lap,
i grind my hips against yours
start off slow, smooth and soft
every little thrust sends shivers through our bodies
pulleachotherclose
gripping grasping we quicken the pace
going a bit faster, really working up to it
little quakes inside our bodies,
getting faster and more intense
going wild, pumping , thrusting, pulling
faster and faster
energy overflows between us
like a burst of light over the horizon we cum together
a long, soul-shaking orgasm that simply proves we are a match
we collapse on each other and lock eyes, smiling, shining eyes.
share a smile, and a kiss
and swim back to shore
get dressed and walk hand in hand further down the path together

 

[UnderYourSpell]

hi there and welcome ... are you asking for critique or just posting? either way is cool

 

[Angeline]

whoops, wrong thread.

 

[EvilLibrarian]

Yes, I'd appreciate feedback. but please be gentle, it's my first time.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

It does read more like prose than poetry to me in some places, with too many gerunds (words ending in 'ing .... see over my avatar!) i.e kissing,touching and being so close. You have three in one line there! It is a very erotic poem but you could edit out a lot of words like *that, the* i.e feel the rhythm of water and earth,
Is 'pulleachotherclose' intentional to show the closeness?

 

[butters]

welcome to the poetry forums!

it's great that the sensations of a pleasurable, exciting experience inspired you to try your hand at poetry! what better way to try and express the deliciousness?

okay, annie's given you a head's up about the way too many gerunds might weigh down a write - by dropping some of those, writing 'around them', we are often able to make the scene more vivid, more immediate for a reader. that's not to say drop all of them or never use them - moderation works wonders

what i do feel you have done here, is try to walk us through, blow by blow, what you felt. experience will allow you to improve on that, over time, and show you that when you get down the what you want to say that's the first draft. after that, just about every poem will be improved by thinking about the how you want to say it. that often means paring right back from what you have down already, but it's important to have it there to work from - keeps those thoughts fresh in your head.

your poem here oozes heat, passion, and so it's well on its way. i'm sure the person you shared this time with will be absolutely chuffed.

 

[EvilLibrarian]

Thank-you all very much for your gentle and constructive criticism. It is much appreciated and I will do my best to adopt these suggestions.

 

[TAPNDIE]

I don't write very much, especially not poetry. But I was MSNing with a friend and was very turned on thinking about swimming with him. This poem is actually a cleaned-up version of our MSN conversation.

This is for Charlie and looking forward.

Swim

I want to feel your skin against mine
wrap my legs around you in the water,
swimming, swaying with the current
feeling the rhythm of the water and the earth,
moving our hips together to that rhythm
kissing, touching and being so close


nothing else exists


slide you inside me,
lift me up and down in the water on your lap,
i grind my hips against yours
start off slow, smooth and soft
every little thrust sends shivers through our bodies
pulleachotherclose
gripping grasping we quicken the pace
going a bit faster, really working up to it
little quakes inside our bodies,
getting faster and more intense
going wild, pumping , thrusting, pulling
faster and faster
energy overflows between us
like a burst of light over the horizon we cum together
a long, soul-shaking orgasm that simply proves we are a match
we collapse on each other and lock eyes, smiling, shining eyes.
share a smile, and a kiss
and swim back to shore
get dressed and walk hand in hand further down the path together

I still yearn for that swim with you, I miss you deeply although I know you no longer feel this way about me! My heart aches at the slightest thought of you and can't imagine any one else filling my heart with the love that you gave me! To my princess and no other my heart, body and soul! I will be here for you always and forever!

 

[butters]

oh oh...