The Art Climax Poem - Feedback please

[Veroticagirl]

Tall, dark stranger in the museum,
walks up beside me;
richness of the woods.
wafting through the air, shivers
glancing up at the art, smiling.

The arousal, the pull, the intrigue, we both feel it as
the urge lures my hand along my body,
caressing the fullness of my breast.

Others are looking, eyes never leave the peace of art.
Tingles prick along my skin;
hands move lower, head tilts to the side.

A click clack, click clack, on the floor as
he moves behind me, takes
my hand in his; guides
it under my skirt between
my legs, feeling the dampness
of my panties. We moan, slide
fingers to the tender folds.
Silkiness’ meets our tips, rhythm builds.

Embracing.
Breathing, across thy neck, honeyed skin.
Hard cock pressed, throbbing
as the moans are so deep.
Our fingers intwined, climax builds.
Warmth floods my body, shaking, thrusting,
bursting like a tidal wave.
As we look at the same art.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Some of the figures and usages of enjambment are really good, although I would advise against putting 'as' at the end of such lines. that contradicts the idea of a sudden surprise in the following line.

For a more dramatic effect I would break some lines differently - but that's really personal taste - like
...; guides
it under my skirt between
my legs, feeling the dampness
of my panties. We moan, slide

I'd change slightly:

...; guides it
under my skirt
between my legs, feel[ing]*
the dampness of my panties. We moan
slide...

* let me second Tzara's advice on using the active form instead of the gerund - here it would stand out in connection with the comma, a bit ambiguous who's meant, is it the pair, the stranger, or is even the reader asked to do so?

Just one last idea. How about repeating & twisting one line at the end:

As we look at the same piece
of art.

 

[Veroticagirl]

Thank you for the kind comments and the guidance on this poem, I do appreciate any feedback. I have learned a lot so far and believe that the skills I have learned thus far have been eye-opening. As a new writer and with this poem. Thanks again, V

 

[Nicefella]

This is indeed very helpful advice @29wordsforsnow

I liked your poem V.
I think it’s very well sequenced and artfully placed.
Is there a component of voyeurism you are incorporating into this scene?

 

[Mrtenant]

Nice job. Really setting a mood with it. Draws the reader in.