Suite 1601 (First story posted here)

[Cen]

You're all such a... vocal and social group, it's almost (note the word almost) too intimidating to ask for feedback...

But like that's ever actually stopped me from just jumping into the middle before....

Suite 1601 ch 1

I do have my asbestos suit ready, so take aim and fire at will






Cen

 

[BlackShanglan]

OK, here's my tuppence. I am writing as I read, giving you impressions as they develop. I will put some sort of summary comments at the end. But first, I have to say:

"We're going to study the effect of celery on loose elastic tonight."

I nearly fell out of bed laughing. Lileks' web site, one assumes? I loved, loved, loved his commentary on those bizarre pictures. And he's right! There's nearly always celery, together with some of the most improbably constructed undergarments in sartorial history. Damn, I am going to have to go back and check them out again. For those who don't know what I'm jabbering about (usually everyone), check out this web site: http://www.lileks.com/institute/frahm/indexmain.html

That said, on to the main show.

I read through the first paragraph and mulled it over for a while. I felt like I ought to be moved by it. It sounds sensual and reasonably enticing, and has some interesting elements. I am still pondering on why it's somehow not grabbing me as much as I would like, but I have a theory. The description is detailed and visual, but it is not voiced. By that I mean that I am seeing the scene as if through some detached, relatively cool observer's point of view, someone who is not using language that is as erotic as the actions themselves. Perhaps giving me some sense of the characters' thoughts or feelings would help? Could you use language that shows me that I am seeing through one or the other of them, while still maintaining a third person POV? Just a thought.

He slid first one and then a second ben wa ball between her shaved lips into you pussy.

One assumes "her" for "you"?

"Turn around and bend over the chair." The command was issued in a soft voice, but held the conviction of a man who was going to make sure that every "t" had been crossed and "i" had been dotted.

This works a little better for me, although I still feel quite detached. The narration is rather colorless and it's making it hard for the events to have a powerful emotional impact on me.

He didn't of course, but the anticipation of a plug going into her ass without any lube that showed in her body language was always enjoyable to see.

That last modifying phrase is hard to work in and technically modifies "lube" instead of "anticipation." It's tricky getting that much modification into a sentence, I know

She felt the slightly warmed stainless steel plug clink against her teeth. She knew this plug; it was the one with the flower blossom carved into its base. She closed her eyes tightly. This was the plug they used when there were others about. He had promised her a weekend alone together, not a weekend that included more than one person.

I like the "clink against her teeth" line - nice evocation of the physical sensation. I'm also getting a bit more voice here, and that is helping. I can see reactions and thoughts, not just detached actions. However, I am curious about your next line:

Not that she minded other people, she just thought that this weekend would be just the two of them.

Pity. I was rather enjoying the sense of tension and nervousness that an unexpected arrival would bring. I was just getting into that when it vanished with the above sentence.

Over all it was a rather pretty plug, as far as plugs went, and the more she thought about it, perhaps he only wanted it to coordinate with the flowers on her bra and garter.

Now I'm really starting to feel adrift with the purpose of this description of the plug. I can't decide if it means anything or if the author is just (and I do beg your pardon) meandering just the slightest bit. Is there a reason to know that it's this particular plug? If not, I think that a little less about it would probably be a good idea.

She kept her hands on her ass as she slowly stood up, getting used to the feeling of the balls, egg and plug. It nearly overwhelmed her, but she steadied herself before having to pull her hands away from their position.

Oh, more please! That soudns delicious, but this description is only enough to tease. I would really like to hear more both about the physical sensations and her mental reaction to them.

... a black g- string that matched the bra and garters. It was mesh and black and definitely showed more than undergarments were expected to cover.

Two little issues here. First, you told me that they were black twice, and I did notice the first time Second, "showed more than undergarments were meant to" or "were meant to show" would work for me, but I'm not sure what you mean when you say "showed more than undergarments were meant to cover."

He hadn't told her to take her hands off her ass, so she balanced precariously on one foot and then the other so that the thing elastic was at her knees by the time she was through.

"Thing" = "thin"?

He purred out the words 'good girl' and the butterflies started doing somersaults and cartwheels in her stomach. When she reached behind her neck and put her elbows back, he pulled up the panties, if they could even be called that, the rest of the way.

Voice is coming through a bit better her. You're still in the third person where you want to be (I assume), but you're giving me some sense of personal point of view and how the individual's feelings and perceptions shape the images.

She could safe-word this weekend, but for 72 hours she was his complete slave, and wanted to prove to herself and him that she could do it. It would be incredibly difficult, but she would do it.

Here we're back to detached. I would love to hear more about how she feels about this. What sensations and emotions are running through her as she thinks of this weekend of being entirely at his disposal? I realize that you want this story short and sweet and are therefore eschewing a lengthy exposition, but that makes her reactions and thoughts all the more important.

Her bottom lip trembled, but she spoke albeit softly, "Yes, Sir." They both preferred Sir to Master, at least for the time being. She had used Master once, the first time they had ever had a scene together and it had shocked them both to the core. She had started crying almost immediately, and he had held her, but he knew that she still struggled with that title. It wasn't that she didn't think he deserved it, she had said as much; it was that she didn't think that she was ready yet to call him Master. Another Dominant, S., had wanted her so badly over a year before their first meeting. S. had wanted her to refer to him as Master, yet she couldn't. She had told him, while he was holding her, that she couldn't call a man who was willing to give her all that she wanted Master, but that she could call him Master and he hadn't even promised her a fraction of what S. had. She hadn't understood what was wrong with her, neither could he.

Hmmm. I am interested in the psychology there and the fine gradations of submission that allow her to yield up her body but not the title of "Master." It's intriguing, but I am a little let down in the explanation. If neither of them knows for sure why it doesn't feel right, I would at least like to see this from her POV with a peek into the thoughts, feelings, and images that drive her decision. Again, I don't mean shifting to a first person POV throug her; I mean using a voiced third person POV that looks into her head, thoughts, and language.

When she opened her mouth, she had told him in the most matter of fact manner, that it was what made her a submissive and not a slave.

I like that line.

He ran his forefinger along the line of her jaw and looked down at her. She was an intelligent young woman, vivacious, opinionated, silly, even witty, but when you teased her with rough sex she got glazy-eyed and more and more primal. Even the way she looked at him was more sexual, when he referred to her as pet, or girl, or slut, or any one of the numerous names he used for her.

The above is another passage that I quite liked. It gives me a good feel for the emotions and reactions involved as well as the physical actions.

At the very top he set a celery bunch and a can.

YEEES!

(But I was so dissapointed ... no coin purse, no dog, no leering man in a uniform? )

The voicing got a good deal better as the story drew to a conclusion. I felt much more strongly the emotions of the characters and their feelings of sensuality and excitement.

I can't make up my mind on the issue of her crossing the lobby - that is, whether I agree with the decision to not show her crossing it. I really wanted to hear her internal reaction to the experience and sense the powerful jolt that would go through her when the panties at last fell and she bent slowly over to get them. But then, this is marked as chapter one, so I suppose that this is a logical break point to chapter two. I would love to see that next chapter!

Shanglan

 

[Cen]

Thank you soo mcuh for your well-thought out ideas and thoughts. I want to respond to this post entiely, but also wanted to give you the head's up.... She crosses the lobby in the next installment...




Cen