submissives with special needs...

[Guest]

 

[dolf]

welllll......
trouble with me is that i'm really stupid so i usually accept, manipulate him into fulfilling my desires, then, when the poor guy starts to crumple through his inability to fill this role i get frustrated and leave him. often after this he develops a drug/drink problem.

i think i'm going to avoid vanilla men from now on i tend to make a mess.

*ducks*

xx

 

[catalina_francisco]

Before I found my bliss I used to decline politely and offer to be friends if I liked them enough for that. Some people thought I was being selfish to do that but I never saw the point in going somewhere I knew was not going to be what I wanted and then hurt someone else down the track when I had to tell them it was not going to be a go. Just didn't want to waste time on doomed paths as wel.

Catalina

 

[h_i_s]

Prior to the D/s relationship i am currently enjoying, i dated vanillas and after the first date having not found them to be what i was seeking, i simply informed them that although they are wonderful, i'd felt no 'connection' & they are not for me, i am not for them. Once informed of such, if they wanted to go out again i reminded them that it would never amount to a committed monagamous relationship. If they still wanted to get together after being told such, we did.

The last time i went out with someone vanilla was right after having made plans to meet the one now known to me as Master. i spent the entire date thinking of what i would wear the next day to meet Him, what He would be like in person, & whether we'd click etc etc. The date was so boring and at times annoying. *i* was expected to choose where we should dine. *i* was expected to choose what we should do after dinner. He was too damn focused on what *i* wanted which doesn't suit me very well. i left that date thinking, ".. eww, he is so wimpy and focused on what *i* want, can't even make ONE bloody decision .... blech". There was another date scheduled with that vanilla guy, i called him and cancelled it the next evening having returned from meeting the one now known to me as Master.

Prior to finding my Master, i dated vanillas just to pass the time until finding what it was i sought. It only led to frustration in that none of the vanilla men i dated 'did it' for me. If i did not have a Master, knowing what i now know about myself, i'd not ever date a vanilla again.

i LOVE ice cream. i LOVE Baskin Robbins, but PLEEEEEASE, hold the vanilla.

 

[A Desert Rose]

For those of you who are single, unless you go around with 'submissive' tatooed on your foreheads then I'm sure most of you get asked out by persons of vanilla persuasion now and then who may or may not know what you're about.

So... what do you do?

Accept, even though they probably won't fully understand what you need and that, therefore, the possibility of successful ongoing relationship is pretty much doomed from the start?

Accept and then implement an indoctrination program?

Decline, and hold out for your Master/Mistress of the Universe?

Other option?

Just curious...

This response is not what you are looking for, I'm sure.

For me, the more diverse my friends are, the better. I don't look at dating as a persuit for a life time mate, but more of a treasure hunt for friends. One can never have enough friends.

You just never know what you will find out about a person until you become friends with them. Most of us started out vanilla and look where we are now. You might think that guy you are dating (hypothetically speaking) is vanilla until you're both half naked in the back seat of his car. (I love this fantasy, so indulge me...lol) And all of a sudden something reeeeeeally captivating imerges from him. (No, I didn't mean his dick, either.lol)

And we both agree that a lasting, fulfilling romantic relationship has to have friendship as it's foundation or it will not stand for long.

I guess what I'm saying is that the more you date and the more diverse your friends, the more enriched your own life will be, whether you share the exact same kinks or not.

But that's all just my opinion, foxy

 

[NCShin]

I've never gone out looking for kinky women.

Yet from a vanilla setting I met a wonderfully submissive woman.

Granted at the time we met I didn't know I was "dominant" I only knew what I liked and what I did, I didn't know what it meant or what it was called.

For quite some time we went about our "vanilla" relationship doing a great deal of things that those here would associate with D/s without ever knowing it.

Yes this was before th internet really took hold. So people might be a bit more educated on the subject now, but I think there are still huge numbers of people out there who would like D/s or DO like D/s and just don't know of a forum like this to learn of all the terms associated with what they do and like.

So I think that if you don't have access to local kinksters then you never know what you might find in a vanilla date.

 

[Slut_loves_pain]

HMMM

My current relationship is with a guy who I thought was passive and sensitive and blah blah and I was worried about whether our sex life would be alright. I had been straight up with him from day 1 about the fact I was a sub, he showed curiousity and a willingness to learn and to try, so I thought what the hell.
He is now after 3 short months most definitely the best Dom I have ever had. Turns out under some vanilla's lies an incredibly sadistic streak, and man he's got it.
He's worried if we ever broke up if he could go back to vanilla sex ever again!!!
So yeah... there are some hidden Dom's hiding in vanilla clothing out there

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[FungiUg]

Two things I'd recommend. The first is being open minded -- willing to experiment, and give people a chance. The second is knowing what you want, and when it's clear you can't get what you want, being willing to move on.

If you are in a relationship where your needs and wants aren't being met (and let's face it, the whole point of a relationship is to meet needs and wants) then it won't be working well for either person. So be prepared to move on if you reach that point.

On the other hand, submissives and dominants are people, and you may be pleasantly surprised to discover that someone you are dating is dominant. So be open minded and willing to experiment.

Of course, the other alternative is to use sites like alt.com or bondage.com to find someone who KNOWS they are dominant, and go from there. But that too is fraught with difficulties. Sad to say, there are no easy answers for finding a partner.

One thing I will stress -- remember that a partner needs to be more than compatible in terms of D/s. You also need compatibility over all of the other areas of your life. And that is what makes finding a life partner so tricky.

Best of luck!

 

[MissTaken]

I dated vanilla for company and companionship.

In fact, I met scooter on a nilla website and have since found the most fulfilling relationship, BDSM or otherwise that I have ever experienced.

There are no right answers, foxy.

 

[Desdemona]

I'll figure it out when I get around to dating again. Right now, I'm not in the mood for entanglements. However, I figure my hormones will kick in sooner or later and I'll start looking for someone to have fun with. I'm pretty certain that next time around, I only want to be submissive in the bedroom anyway, so as long as the guy is kink friendly, I'm sure we can work something out.

 

[Guest]

 

[Hajar]

Re: HMMM

i met my husband as vanilla as they get, a bit kinky but sex on the beach was it.
later as I kept wanting to feel pain, I had a lot of issues in asking him for it, when I finally did I found a natural sadist.
there was no way of knowing this when we first met, that this was within him so judging the book by the cover is never smart.
Had I known about my submissive masochistic side when he asked me to marry him, I would have said no, thinking as perfect as he was he would never understand or be able to fulfill this part of me, and how wrong would I have been, as he had for years kept those needs under "control" and hidden

 

[Netzach]

I'm not a sub but I took myself out of the vanilla dating pool after the breakup of my first significant relationship (7 years) which was vanilla. I just knew it wasn't going to work for me.

Being poly, bi, slutty, very versatile and switchable, open minded, etc as I came into the community and eventually found what I like dislike, need, and who I am, watching things fall away and come into focus in forming my identity-- it's a very rewarding process. I just knew that an inability to orient around kink in some significant way, a person who is completely monosexual whether a kinsey 1 or 6 -- those people are never going to be good significant partners for me.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

hmmmm, well, hmmmmmm - I was in the middle of a now 4 year vanilla relationship when I hit the wall and couldn't hide/ignore my submissive/masochistic desires any longer. After reading and devouring any and all information I gently brooched some desires to my S/O. It took nearly 4 months to convince him he could pinch my nipples really hard and I would still enjoy it. We played with nipple clamps for awhile - but his heart just isn't into it. I feel he may be more submissive than I am. The only thing he seems to enjoy is fisting - so that's good!

But the desire inside me just grew stronger and stronger. Eventually I had to go outside this relationship and experiment. He 'knows' but doesn't 'know'. Its more like a 'don't ask - don't tell' thing. Its not perfect - but I do love this man. Its not his fault that I changed mid-relationship. We have a rather open relationship anyway - he's married and all. So, weird as it sounds - it works for us - for now.

 

[Etoile]

Can I ask about the title of this thread? This isn't what I was expecting with the phrase "special needs"...

 

[Guest]

 

[sincerely_helene]

I am quite fortunete in that I am not in the same position as many here. My particular mindset is that everyone, (even the "nillas,") are either dominant or submmissive by nature. Since my kink leans more-so towards the mental aspect than the physical, I am quite capable of finding what I seek outside of the BDSM scene.

Don't get me wrong, It is still difficult to find someone I connect with well, but I am not as limited as other submissives might be. I often see no need to approach the subject at all. A man's natural persona tells me instantly whether or not they are a prospect I should pursue.

I also have a fear that if I am upfront, someone who is submissive might feel the need to adjust who they are in order to suit my particular desires... and I don't want that.

 

[Esclava]

Being currently single is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. Not only am I dealing with the singleness, I am dealing with synthesizing my needs from the apocalypse of my last BDSM relationship.

My last relationship lasted almost 7 yrs, but it was lesbian and not BDSM except for a few acts she admitted she liked (fisting being one). She was BIS-FIS* and my strong personality was more than she was able to deal with.

As one facing this now, my best suggestion is to look inside yourself and find answers to your needs - find your "keys" - so you know what you are looking for in someone else. I have problems getting people to ask me out. So, I am learning to ask people out - which won't sit well with those seeking a submissive. What else am I to do?

I can enjoy vanilla company and can even enjoy sex with them; but my submissiveness will only be deeply stirred by one who is stronger than me in character - one who has all the keys. Perhaps I'll start the thread I've been contemplating regarding the "keys" to my Locks (see the line over my AV). My journey may help someone who is looking for their own keys.

Esclava

*BIS-FIS = Butch In the Street - Femme In the Sheets

 

[Etoile]

My last relationship lasted almost 7 yrs, but it was lesbian and not BDSM except for a few acts she admitted she liked (fisting being one). She was BIS-FIS* and my strong personality was more than she was able to deal with.

I've never seen that acronym before! I've heard the phrase "butch in the streets, femme in the sheets" many, MANY times...but never seen it condensed to an acronym like that!

 

[Esclava]

LOL...

I've never seen that acronym before! I've heard the phrase "butch in the streets, femme in the sheets" many, MANY times...but never seen it condensed to an acronym like that!

It may be a southern thing. I didn't pay attention to it until I moved to TX and didn't hear it in widespread use until I moved to Dallas. I thought it odd at first, but it has been condensed even more to just "BIS?" ...

Esclava