Submissive tendencies

[AlexSwann]

Looking for advice or comments. I am married to a loving, tender and vanilla husband. I tend to be maso-submissive, to use a label.

I cannot see the end of the tunnel. My musings go a bit like this: if I am truly submissive, then it shouldn't matter if my husband is not into any of my kinks; I just have to suck it up and please him, in whichever way he wishes. Then why can't I bring myself to do it? Why can't I feel fulfilled by being vanilla, since he is, and according to they way I understand my submissive nature, I should be content if he is content. Why can't I just be satisfied with him being happy? If humiliation is something I desire, why don't I find pleasure in him slightly mocking my deviant (his word) urges? He indulges those urges, sometimes, but it always feels forced and fake.

What is the point of this post? Simply to get feedback from knowledgeable people on why I can't seem to be happy with my husband being happy the way he wants to be? Can a submissive person be fulfilled "topping from the bottom", so to speak? Am I even really submissive? How can one really know?

 

[bethpage]

Looking for advice or comments. I am married to a loving, tender and vanilla husband. I tend to be maso-submissive, to use a label.

I cannot see the end of the tunnel. My musings go a bit like this: if I am truly submissive, then it shouldn't matter if my husband is not into any of my kinks; I just have to suck it up and please him, in whichever way he wishes. Then why can't I bring myself to do it? Why can't I feel fulfilled by being vanilla, since he is, and according to they way I understand my submissive nature, I should be content if he is content. Why can't I just be satisfied with him being happy? If humiliation is something I desire, why don't I find pleasure in him slightly mocking my deviant (his word) urges? He indulges those urges, sometimes, but it always feels forced and fake.

What is the point of this post? Simply to get feedback from knowledgeable people on why I can't seem to be happy with my husband being happy the way he wants to be? Can a submissive person be fulfilled "topping from the bottom", so to speak? Am I even really submissive? How can one really know?

Good questions. And I don't pretend to have any answers. I'm trying to figure out if I can live with vanilla myself.

However, there have been some really great threads recently that may just help you answer your own questions. And I hope that you get some other input from some of the great people here who might be able to help.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=634420 How did you know?

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=631266 Submissiveness, could it be genetic?

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=623345 the marks of a slave


http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=634450 Submission vs Bottoming

Most of these are pretty long threads, but worth reading, in my opinion. Good luck and happy reading!

 

[CutieMouse]

My musings go a bit like this: if I am truly submissive, then it shouldn't matter if my husband is not into any of my kinks

"Truly submissive" does not equate mindless, nor absent of desire, emotion, feelings or needs.

I just have to suck it up and please him, in whichever way he wishes.

Why, exactly? You aren't in a relationship based on a power dynamic, thus why do you "have to" suck up and martyr yourself [labeled as/hiding behind submission] for someone who isn't a fully realized and equal part of the equation [dominant to your submissive]?

Then why can't I bring myself to do it?

Possibly because there is no yin to your yang?

Why can't I feel fulfilled by being vanilla, since he is, and according to they way I understand my submissive nature, I should be content if he is content.

Because apparently you are not "vanilla"; see point one - "Truly submissive" does not equate mindless, nor absent of desire, emotion, feelings or needs.

Why can't I just be satisfied with him being happy?

Because there's usually a point behind being happy, oneself. [See martyr comment.]

If humiliation is something I desire, why don't I find pleasure in him slightly mocking my deviant (his word) urges?

Not all humiliation is equal.

why I can't seem to be happy with my husband being happy the way he wants to be?

Because relationships are relationships, and incompatibility is incompatibility.

Can a submissive person be fulfilled "topping from the bottom", so to speak?

IMO, in order to "top from the bottom", one has to have a "top" to "top."

Am I even really submissive?

No clue.

How can one really know?

Introspection, personal growth and the magic handshake.

 

[RJMasters]

I have a question or two. Have you ever had any real expereice being with someone who tends to be sado-dominant?

If the answer is no, how do you know..., or what is it that makes you think you will like that better or more than the type of man you are married to and living with now? Often is the case we desire what we cannot have, but the irony for those few who get what they wish for often find that the ideal of what they wanted and the reality of what they wanted don't necessarily match.

When did you become aware of your maso-submissive side? Was it before you got married or was it after?

As for advice...try going back and re-reading your post only this time, pretend its your husband writing it, saying that he is a sado-dominant married to a loving wife, but that he really wished his wife would be more ..... fill in the blank.... because how she is now doesn't really do it for him.

Lastly are you asking for advice how you can deal with your wants and needs that are likely to never be fulfilled in your current marriage? Or are you asking for advice how to change your husband?

 

[RJMasters]

Introspection, personal growth and the magic handshake.

So your advice is for her to masturbate? Never would have thought of that. Good call.

 

[AlexSwann]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I have explored my submissive side with a few dominant partners prior to meeting my husband. I thought it might just be a phase, that when I'd meet the right man those tendencies would go away. They obviously have not.

As for reading back my post as if my husband had written it, it almost is the case really, since he often tells me to "take it easy", that it does not always have to be "that way". I would completely understand if he'd like to see other people, with or without me. We discussed the option which doesn't seem to appeal to him.

And I am not asking for advice on how to change my husband. I don't think you can change someone. Even changing yourself is a difficult task. I suppose I am looking for advice on how to maybe get rid of those urges, or live without them being fulfilled, or even if such a thing is possible.

 

[working_girl]

And I am not asking for advice on how to change my husband. I don't think you can change someone. Even changing yourself is a difficult task. I suppose I am looking for advice on how to maybe get rid of those urges, or live without them being fulfilled, or even if such a thing is possible.

Personally, I don't think it is. Kinky is in my blood like gay is in John Barrowman's. I'm sorry to have to tell you these desires may never go away. Besides, it's simple human nature to want something even more when you know you can't have it.

Is he really not prepared to try anything? Not even a little teasing with silk scarves to tie you with and maybe a blindfold? No need to dive off the deep end.

 

[SinfulSailor]

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I have explored my submissive side with a few dominant partners prior to meeting my husband. I thought it might just be a phase, that when I'd meet the right man those tendencies would go away. They obviously have not.

As for reading back my post as if my husband had written it, it almost is the case really, since he often tells me to "take it easy", that it does not always have to be "that way". I would completely understand if he'd like to see other people, with or without me. We discussed the option which doesn't seem to appeal to him.

And I am not asking for advice on how to change my husband. I don't think you can change someone. Even changing yourself is a difficult task. I suppose I am looking for advice on how to maybe get rid of those urges, or live without them being fulfilled, or even if such a thing is possible.

A little food for thought:

You had different suitors/lovers/experiences. After that, you chose your husband. I conclude that there is a place in your mind and emotions in which the attributes your husband embodies outweigh other considerations. We all have times when we focus on the imperfection in the diamond. Usually, if we try we can refocus on the beauty in the rest of the stone that attracted us in the first place.

I think a lot of people (and especially vanilla men) have a hard time actually *believing* (in their innermost core - even if they think they believe on the surface) that their lover really wants to be dominated or wants to feel pain inflicted or (as in your case) is really ok with him "seeing other people". (Presumably that means him having sex with other women.) I mean, really..... he sees an awful lot of marriages break up over that. He has been taught all his life that is not good and not allowed. (Same with dominating and/or practicing sadism on his woman.) I mean, to cross that Rubicon is to change things in his life forever. He can never go back. What if his wife thinks it's ok but changes her mind after? Then he's guilty as charged.

Me personally, I'd seize the opportunity(ies). But maybe I'm a little less risk averse than he is. Or a little more randy. haha At the same time, I can understand his reticence. Perhaps if you think about it you can too.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Looking for advice or comments. I am married to a loving, tender and vanilla husband. I tend to be maso-submissive, to use a label.

I cannot see the end of the tunnel. My musings go a bit like this: if I am truly submissive, then it shouldn't matter if my husband is not into any of my kinks; I just have to suck it up and please him, in whichever way he wishes. Then why can't I bring myself to do it? Why can't I feel fulfilled by being vanilla, since he is, and according to they way I understand my submissive nature, I should be content if he is content. Why can't I just be satisfied with him being happy? If humiliation is something I desire, why don't I find pleasure in him slightly mocking my deviant (his word) urges? He indulges those urges, sometimes, but it always feels forced and fake.

What is the point of this post? Simply to get feedback from knowledgeable people on why I can't seem to be happy with my husband being happy the way he wants to be? Can a submissive person be fulfilled "topping from the bottom", so to speak? Am I even really submissive? How can one really know?

As a spouse of a slightly kinky but mostly vanilla husband I understand your musing totally because I have thought the same thing. If only if I could get into the proper mindset that being vanilla and indulging some of his kinks could feel like submission I would be al set. But it doesn't work that way. At least not for me. The dynamics of our marriage are such that simply do not lend to that kind of thinking.

<<snip>>
And I am not asking for advice on how to change my husband. I don't think you can change someone. Even changing yourself is a difficult task. I suppose I am looking for advice on how to maybe get rid of those urges, or live without them being fulfilled, or even if such a thing is possible.

I agree that you can not change a person. I also don't think you can just wish your urges away. Though I wasn't looking for a relationship when it happened how I resolved my situation was to enter into a long distance relationship with a loving Dominant. It is mostly on-line/phone/email but we do try to see each other at least a few times a year for a few days. My husband is fully aware of my relationship. It is not role-play, we both consider it a 24/7 relationship. It satisfies my submissive needs while still being able to maintain my very happy loving marriage and family.

 

[Chiisai_Neko]

I don't know how much advice I can give you, never having met you, but since you mentioned that he has indulged your desires on a few occasions, I feel like maybe I might be able to help you find a middle ground.

Maybe there are things which are a little less intense in the maso-submission department that you both might be willing to try. Biting, for example. It doesn't have to be really hard, so he doesn't have to worry about hurting you, and you can still feel a little dominated by the action. A little hair pulling, some dirty talk. If you'd like more humiliation, in my experience masturbating in front of a partner can quell that desire in a way that doesn't really go so very far "out there."

Yes, it will seem forced on his part for a while, until he gets used to things like that. You mentioned that you don't want to try to change him, but you do sound a little bit like you would be happier if he indulged you a little more, so take it slow. Things like light biting, light hair pulling and a little dirty talk aren't so hardcore as to think, "Wow, my wife is a kinky broad," but it's not so horribly vanilla that it won't give you at least a little jolt during love making. Consider it vanilla with sprinkles on top.

If he finds some of those smaller things enjoyable, maybe broach the idea lightly about something more. Spankings, rougher sex, etc.... Just work your way up going by his comfort zone.

And, if he says, "You know, I'm just not into any of it at all and I just can't do that for you," then maybe you can try to find the enjoyable in vanilla sex. I mean, there must have been a little something there that you found enjoyable if you married him (unless you married him without having sex with him first, in which case I salute you for your restraint).

If you find that you are totally unfulfilled sexually, then you have three options:
1) You can live your life in a sexually unfulfilling marriage, which will more than likely leave you feeling frustrated and possibly bitter towards your husband. I don't recommend this.
2) You can try a relationship/sex therapist and see if you two might be able to reach some sort of understanding compromise (note: your husband compromising and trying new things does not equate him "changing" himself). I highly recommend this, as therapy has helped a great number of people.
3) You can call it a loss and find someone you are more compatible with in all aspects of who you are, outside and inside the bedroom. Obviously, divorce is a last resort option, but it is definitely better than living a life completely unfulfilled sexually.

As for your questions, specifically why you can't bring yourself to enjoy vanilla sex as a submissive, since it is what your husband likes.

To me, a submissive is not just someone who wants to please the person they are with (yes, that's a part of it, but not entirely). A submissive is one half of a partnership, who receives pleasure and fulfillment from being dominated. Yes, you please your Dom, but in return you are rewarded in some fashion. Dom/sub relationships are like any other sexual relationship; it's give and take. Both sides get what they want from it, not just one.

 

[Sir Victor]

Looking for advice or comments. I am married to a loving, tender and vanilla husband. I tend to be maso-submissive, to use a label.

I cannot see the end of the tunnel. My musings go a bit like this: if I am truly submissive, then it shouldn't matter if my husband is not into any of my kinks; I just have to suck it up and please him, in whichever way he wishes. Then why can't I bring myself to do it? Why can't I feel fulfilled by being vanilla, since he is, and according to they way I understand my submissive nature, I should be content if he is content. Why can't I just be satisfied with him being happy? If humiliation is something I desire, why don't I find pleasure in him slightly mocking my deviant (his word) urges? He indulges those urges, sometimes, but it always feels forced and fake.

What is the point of this post? Simply to get feedback from knowledgeable people on why I can't seem to be happy with my husband being happy the way he wants to be? Can a submissive person be fulfilled "topping from the bottom", so to speak? Am I even really submissive? How can one really know?

I'd say that you are truly submissive and that the reason that "just have to suck it up and please him, in whichever way he wishes." does not satisfy you is that it is not really submitting. You crave Domination which you are not getting by telling yourself do as he wishes and please him. I'd guess that you like humiliation in the context of being Dominated not, or less so, outside of it.

If he does indulge you, how many times or how often does he do it? I would think that in time it would become more natural or at least the bother of it being put on would wear off. I'd say that part of the motivation for doing any particular behavior during sex is knowing that the partner is getting hot/hotter and what works will become more natural when the rewards are given.

Do you both work? Do you primarily take care of the home or do you share the responsibility?

 

[AlexSwann]

I'd say that you are truly submissive and that the reason that "just have to suck it up and please him, in whichever way he wishes." does not satisfy you is that it is not really submitting. You crave Domination which you are not getting by telling yourself do as he wishes and please him. I'd guess that you like humiliation in the context of being Dominated not, or less so, outside of it.

If he does indulge you, how many times or how often does he do it? I would think that in time it would become more natural or at least the bother of it being put on would wear off. I'd say that part of the motivation for doing any particular behavior during sex is knowing that the partner is getting hot/hotter and what works will become more natural when the rewards are given.

Do you both work? Do you primarily take care of the home or do you share the responsibility?

I'd say he indulges me 1 time out of three maybe. And I hate saying "indulges me" makes me feel like a pity case. We both work full time and I take care of all household chores - why, if I may ask?

 

[CutieMouse]

Random question - do you both have the same definition of dominance and submission?

 

[AlexSwann]

Random question - do you both have the same definition of dominance and submission?

I'm not sure. He sees it as him forcing me into doing something even if I want to do it and hitting me in anger. I see it as him leading me into doing things I might not otherwise do.

 

[Sir Victor]

I'd say he indulges me 1 time out of three maybe. And I hate saying "indulges me" makes me feel like a pity case. We both work full time and I take care of all household chores - why, if I may ask?

Would making taking care of the house in more of a roll as his personal assistant make you feel like he is more in charge? How would he feel about you doing housework in the nude, or in a short skirt without panties? French maid's outfit comes to mind. There are so many possiblities ... The idea being to do things more vanilla that result in him taking charge in a real way.

I would not think of this as toping from the bottom, just working on your relationship to make it better.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm not sure. He sees it as him forcing me into doing something even if I want to do it and hitting me in anger. I see it as him leading me into doing things I might not otherwise do.

Well... everyone being on the same page might help a bit. When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Eastman is (IMO) a good discussion starter in situations like that, but I just checked Amazon and it's out of stock/no restocking date.... ETA - found it on eBay.

As far as the "leading me into doing things I might not otherwise do" phraseology... there is unwrapping the layers of another person's soul, and then there is putting your own personal responsibility off on someone else. The tricky thing about that (from a PYL* perspective) is the risk of getting blamed/screwed over should the pyl* change his/her mind/react poorly/etc... I would be hesitant to go there without a really good foundation, and if y'all aren't even speaking the same language, I'd say the foundation ain't there yet.


*PYL - Pick your Label (Dominant/Top/Master)
*pyl - bottom/submissive/slave

 

[Netzach]

I'm kinked. I spent about 5 years trying to work this out with someone I cared for very much.

It got to the point where I was cheating on him and he was making me feel like my entire sexuality was a giant genital wart he didn't want to catch.

I wish I'd had the backbone to end it or he'd had the backbone to end it before it ever got to that point.

My sexuality wasn't going to go quietly back in the box. No one's does. The blissfully happy closeted person doesn't exist.

 

[Homburg]

I think a lot of people (and especially vanilla men) have a hard time actually *believing* (in their innermost core - even if they think they believe on the surface) that their lover really wants to be dominated or wants to feel pain inflicted .

It took me a couple of years to really get that viv really honestly did want it, and that it was okay for me to do it to her. And then it took me a couple of years more to realise that I really honestly did want it too, and it was okay for me to like it. So, yeah, I can back up your post here. It's tough to overcome that societal programming.

 

[eastern sun]

Looking for advice or comments. I am married to a loving, tender and vanilla husband. I tend to be maso-submissive, to use a label.

I cannot see the end of the tunnel. My musings go a bit like this: if I am truly submissive, then it shouldn't matter if my husband is not into any of my kinks; I just have to suck it up and please him, in whichever way he wishes. Then why can't I bring myself to do it? Why can't I feel fulfilled by being vanilla, since he is, and according to they way I understand my submissive nature, I should be content if he is content. Why can't I just be satisfied with him being happy? If humiliation is something I desire, why don't I find pleasure in him slightly mocking my deviant (his word) urges? He indulges those urges, sometimes, but it always feels forced and fake.

What is the point of this post? Simply to get feedback from knowledgeable people on why I can't seem to be happy with my husband being happy the way he wants to be? Can a submissive person be fulfilled "topping from the bottom", so to speak? Am I even really submissive? How can one really know?

I'm not sure.

But I know that though it's possible to express your submissiveness through acceptance, and letting him be exactly who and how he is, part of my own submissive self wants to feel the pure, unadulterated force of the dominant. If he's holding himself back, I can feel it.

It's always been interesting to me that so many of us hold back, move cautiously, tentatively, restraining ourselves, when the most interesting, most glorious, most exciting moments in life are the ones that are fully lived. At full force with no reservations.

We're afraid of our own strength sometimes. Maybe if you let him feel his strength, he may come to love it.

A lot of people live without these urges being fulfilled. And other urges too.

 

[Homburg]

It's always been interesting to me that so many of us hold back, move cautiously, tentatively, restraining ourselves, when the most interesting, most glorious, most exciting moments in life are the ones that are fully lived. At full force with no reservations.

We're afraid of our own strength sometimes. Maybe if you let him feel his strength, he may come to love it.

This is incredibly true. I used to be afraid of my own strength. So I got stronger, and became more used to using my strength. Even though it was more than before, I know it better now. I feel the same way about many aspects of my life. My sadism used to frighten me, so I decided to let it wander on its' own here and there. I saw where it went, where it wanted to go, and what it did left unchecked, and decided that I knew it better, and was better capable of controlling it.

Perhaps there is something to be said for antinomian praxis *shrug*

 

[eastern sun]

This is incredibly true. I used to be afraid of my own strength. So I got stronger, and became more used to using my strength. Even though it was more than before, I know it better now. I feel the same way about many aspects of my life. My sadism used to frighten me, so I decided to let it wander on its' own here and there. I saw where it went, where it wanted to go, and what it did left unchecked, and decided that I knew it better, and was better capable of controlling it.

Perhaps there is something to be said for antinomian praxis *shrug*

What is antinomian praxis?

 

[Homburg]

What is antinomian praxis?

Weirdness from Aleister Crowley that involved doing acts and deeds that flew completely against the mores of society in order to help gain understanding and control over one's darker nature. Or something like that anyway. Crowley was an odd duck.

Antinomian itself means "against the law", and praxis is "practical application". More or less.

 

[oldsub]

i really dont have any avice just posting to show support and say i know, or should i say i live of what You speak. i have it a little easier i think being older and both of us growing up in the old sterotypical family structure. A little role reversal with me taking on the household chores, and me taken to not arguing, or defering to her wishes, placates some of my submissive desires. It was at first a way to ease into the lifestyle. Show my wife that D/s is not all about whips and chains. But after years it has not led to any deepening of her dominace. The fetish aspect of my submissive fantasies goes unrealized and probably never will be explored. This is but one aspect of our relationship. i love her deeply for so many other reasons. That is the decision you must make. How important are these urges relative to the whole picture? With me they can be tempered through service, devotion, and yes fantasy and masturbation. i say tempered because no i dont believe you can find a way to make them stop. Believe me i've tried.

 

[subwannabe]

I understand where you are coming from, even though I am male. I like to be really sumissive and my wife really wasn't into it. She has been helping me out with it more and more, which has improved my thoughts of the relationship. I guess you have already figured out that your question is not an easy one to answer. I will ditto one persons answer that to be submissive does not mean accepting a vanilla relationship and being happy. You still need to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship. Sorry if I missed it but my question back to you is, "You say that he helps you out with your feelings about 1 out of 3 times, but how do you actually feel it went on those occasions?". Were you satisified with those times? I guess what I am really asking is are you unhappy with the quantity or are you unhappy with the quality as well? If it is just quantity maybe you should be happy with what you have. If it is about quality maybe you need to communicate more. I don't recommned finding happiness elsewhere unless it is ok with him.