Submissive, passive, or selfish?

[Cirrus]

There is a recurrent semi-argument that He and I have...it's never escalated full scale, but one of these days I fear it will.

He says that I don't "pay enough attention to him" in bed. Now, keep in mind, we still have nilla sex quite often, and that's to what he is referring mostly. When I'm tied down it's pretty damn hard for me to do much of anything.

There are a few reasons that I don't, as he perceives, pay attention to him. One, is I simply don't know what to do. I don't have a fear of looking awkward because most of sex is about feeling, not appearance, but more that I'm afraid my inexperience will show and I'll do something he doesn't enjoy, or worse yet, dislikes. We've talked about what he likes, and I'm happy to oblige, but then I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

Another reason is most of the time, he just takes the lead (damn those dominants anyway ), not really giving me much of a chance to reciprocate.

Yet another reason is that I am submissive. He's had some D/s experience, but not extensive. Often times, even on nilla days, just "doing" something with NO aspect of D/s doesn't do much for me. Even the occasional sweetly put request would do.

And finally, I just don't go in for a lot of foreplay. Never have, probably never will, even when I'm the one receiving the foreplay. Kind of like eating your favorite food every day...for the first week, it's great, but then you just want something else. I get bored. Plain and simple.

He equates physical acts with love, as I think a lot of men do. Men are often more physical and less emotional. I however, prefer to show my love in other ways, first and foremost submission, but also in other smaller ways, like fixing his favorite foods, paying close attention to what he says so I remember his likes, dislikes and feelings, sending the occasional unexpected I Love You e-mail to hopefully brighten his day at work, things like that.

So...any words of advice? And yes, I have told him all this, but we're still having the same trouble, so we must be missing each other somewhere.

 

[artful]

No opinion,...

So...any words of advice? And yes, I have told him all this, but we're still having the same trouble, so we must be missing each other somewhere.

...but I will comment. One or both of you may NOT be accepting the INNER truth of what the REAL problem MAY be.

It takes a lot of COURAGE to look inside ones SELF, recognise that TRUTH for what it is, and then lay it out on the table for EACH of you to examine.

Truly,...it is a *sweat blood* event. Good Luck!

 

[MissTaken]

Have you completed some sort of BDSM behavior checklist?

You may find that there is such a wide array of things that can happen, that foreplay and playtime can be more interesting and more creative for you.

You may also learn more about yourself and him in completing it.



I do know what you mean about sometimes fumbling the ball when it comes to doing for him. Some of that is time and getting to know one another.


It is wonderful though, that you can speak freely about these things.

Hang in there!

 

[~Dream~]

i agree with Both Cirrus

just the conotation that you are "arguing' in itself is not good ,obviously someone here is NOT getting "heard 'or there is a difference in viepoints,something has to "give" someone needs to compromise..

 

[Sandia]

Cirrus, I don't know you very well, and him not at all, so what I'm about to say is based on guesswork - and my own experiences, of course.

A while back you posted on having been abused, didn't you? And how it affected your life and relationships? And you say:
"He equates physical acts with love, as I think a lot of men do."

I'm guessing it's not your active participation he's desiring, so much as your being there with him. He wants to know you like and enjoy what the two of you are doing together. That's my guess.

If I'm right, I'd encourage you to find a way to feel close to him sexually and emotionally - whether that means opening yourself up to him... or doing whatever. Whatever it is that makes you feel close to him. My guess is that is what he wants.

 

[Red Menace]

Cirrus, I know you've said you've talked to him about this, but maybe what you two need to talk about isn't the sex... because that's really just a symptom of the real problem... what you two need to talk about is your feelings, fears, desires etc. Opening yourself up to someone who can objectively and without judgement, listen and provide feedback, will bring you closer and make play time so much more fun. And be honest. Brutally honest. Both with yourself and with him.

After a scene, maybe later that night or the next day, you two should sit down and talk about what happened, what you liked, what didn't work for you and how it felt. This goes a long way towards establishing trust and creating a bond that brings playtime into another dimension. Armed with that information, your Dom can lead you into the next scene with a better understanding of what you need and you can relax enough to really have fun exchanging energy.

A few minutes of meditation before a scene can really help, too. Find a comfortable place to sit and close your eyes. Breathe in with your diaphram(sp?) first and then fill your lungs. Exhale. Lather, rinse, repeat. Do this for about 10 - 15 minutes while focusing on your Dom and centering yourself within your mind. Sometimes, it's really good if he sits behind you and joins you in meditation.

Hope that helps. Those are just some things that make me feel really close to my Sir.

 

[zipman]

I don't know you well enough or understand the dynamics of your relationship to really offer specific advice to you. However, there is one peice of advice that I could give without knowing anything at all.

The best place to start whenever there is a problem is with communication. Plain, straightforward, direct communication. Discuss your needs, feelings, desires, thoughts, perceptions etc. Get if all ouot in the open. But make sure to ask him what his needs, feelings, desires, thoughts, perceptions are.

Communication is not always easy, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Too often, people don't understand each other and what we want or feel about a certain issue.

Good luck!

 

[MsWorthy]

There is a recurrent semi-argument that He and I have...it's never escalated full scale, but one of these days I fear it will.

He says that I don't "pay enough attention to him" in bed. Now, keep in mind, we still have nilla sex quite often, and that's to what he is referring mostly. When I'm tied down it's pretty damn hard for me to do much of anything.

I wouldn't try to second guess him, here. If he says he wants more sexual attention, I would not try to figure out what her *really* means. Assume he really means what he said.

There are a few reasons that I don't, as he perceives, pay attention to him. One, is I simply don't know what to do. I don't have a fear of looking awkward because most of sex is about feeling, not appearance, but more that I'm afraid my inexperience will show and I'll do something he doesn't enjoy, or worse yet, dislikes. We've talked about what he likes, and I'm happy to oblige, but then I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in a rut.

Ask him exactly what he would like for you to do.

If he is aware that you are inexperienced, he will, most likely, have no problem being patient and teaching you how he likes things done.

If you feel you are in a rut, try something different. Do things in a different order, position, time, role, room, atmosphere...etc. Use your imagination here (I understand a lack of imagination, I often have to borrow one, myself )

Another reason is most of the time, he just takes the lead (damn those dominants anyway ), not really giving me much of a chance to reciprocate.

Remind him that you can't take the initiative if he does it first.

Yet another reason is that I am submissive. He's had some D/s experience, but not extensive. Often times, even on nilla days, just "doing" something with NO aspect of D/s doesn't do much for me. Even the occasional sweetly put request would do.

Tell him what you need in order to give him what he needs. I think he will probably comply. He can easily *order* you to worship his body (it works for me ~smiles~)

And finally, I just don't go in for a lot of foreplay. Never have, probably never will, even when I'm the one receiving the foreplay. Kind of like eating your favorite food every day...for the first week, it's great, but then you just want something else. I get bored. Plain and simple.

I understand that foreplay isn't your preference; however, if you wish to pleas[ur]e him and he likes foreplay . . .

He equates physical acts with love, as I think a lot of men do. Men are often more physical and less emotional. I however, prefer to show my love in other ways, first and foremost submission, but also in other smaller ways, like fixing his favorite foods, paying close attention to what he says so I remember his likes, dislikes and feelings, sending the occasional unexpected I Love You e-mail to hopefully brighten his day at work, things like that.

So...any words of advice? And yes, I have told him all this, but we're still having the same trouble, so we must be missing each other somewhere.

I think it is clear that he is talking about sex here, not affection or love.

Just my take.