Submissive but not Masochistic?

[James Blandings]

Re: Re: Re: Correlation

I totally agree with you there.

Ebony <How ya doing James?>

I'm just fine. Ms. Ebony. I see you're still bouncing away!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I really am into the bump tonight.

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

Interesting thread to bump, lots of people on it who don't post at all now or at least very often. Its a shame i enjoyed their insights.

I started as a submissive who wanted to serve not endure pain.

I do mean the word 'endure' any thought of pain was an endurance test in itself. I never, ever fantasised about it, nor thought of it in erotic terms.

Not knowing how to express what I thought I wanted, as oppose the those who know they want pain for pleasure, nor being able to actually define what I thought I could be is why I choose the name 'shy.' Not from being a shy person but from being unsure and therefore shy about expressing what I thought my wishes were.

Anyway back to the sub vs pain issue.
My first BDSM experience was online and gave me insights into the pain/pleasure aspects and how other people could find it erotic.
Then I had a couple of 'play not a building a relationship' experiences with very, very mild pain. He used an extra large dildo and a speculuum to introduce pain with erotic play.

Just as I was getting to the point of thinking in erotic terms about pain I met my ex.
He was a sadist, who enjoyed beating me without any prior warm up or build up to the level of pain he decided I would have. On one occasion I passed out from the constant use of the cane on my ass and legs.

Prior to knowing Andante I practised some pain aspects on myself. Nipple and labia clamps mainly. That helped to bring my mind back to a place where I could think about pain for pleasure.
I also used mental processing techniques to help me think about the pleasure to be gained from pain.
Andante has increased my desire for pain a million fold, I never thought I would feel a need for it and beg him to hurt me.

My threshold is still very low and do I find that frustrating, however, that ties into my emotional and personal need to feel I have served him and met all his needs.

I came into BDSM thinking I was not 'into' pain but over a two-year period have changed greatly.

My personal conclusion is that BDSM relationships are possible without pain playing a role in them, but like any relationship it can develop further and elements of pain become a part of it.
Perhaps it depends on what people are looking for. If its 24/7 then all areas of the relationship will grow in many different ways as both people adjust to each other.
If its strictly a relationship for play 'to scratch an itch' then it can be within pre-defined areas that are strictly maintained and only moved if both agree to do so.

For me, learning to enjoy it has come from my own desire to overcome a natural dislike of pain, using mental processes to support this desire; and Andante using various physical techniques to push what I thought were my limits, help me discover what I like and dislike, what I can take, for how long and at what level.

Edit for spelling (of course!)

 

[Xelebes]

I admit, I do have a sadist bit in myself - I will sick myself against someone at the request. So I guess that makes me a sadomasochist submissive, as opposed to simply a masochistic sub. Realised this whilst doing some experimenting...

 

[truecelt2]

Right on Learntoread, Dr X

I too don't believe in a uniform approach to d/s, especially as regards extreme pain. It's all about what works for the individuals involved.
D/S doesn't have to be about pain.

I'm not into the pain scene - apart from some spanking etc. which can augment the pleasure of a d/s relationship

Whatever works for you. Just because some get off on the pain doesn't mean you should.

Now the psychological side of d/s - WHY it gets us hot;
Fulfilling the sub's need to serve;
Being worthy of her respect and devotion rather than beating it out of her -
now THAT appeals to me - and certainly has done for some lady friends.

Pain, Blood, and Humiliation aren't my cup of tea,
But its not my business to suggest that somehow that isn't the 'real' d/s.
For whatever reason, those games DO appeal to some.
::Shrug:: All the power to them.

Look inward for the answers --
Find what really arouses you - and go for it.

 

[fieryjen]

I really enjoyed reading this topic, not being masochistically inclined myself. Then again, I am very, very inexperienced and haven't yet met a dom who would try to get me to like it more. I've never felt like less of a sub though, just because my tolerance for pain is low.

 

[kazzanderlord11]

Pain!!

So, my question is, if I'm not really a masochist, is there still a place for people like me in the scene? [/B]

~~~
i do not see why there would not be a place for people like you in the scene, or anyone for that matter. BDSM is not all about excepting pain or giving it. Thats why the BD DS SM stands for different types of relationships in the lifestyle. Not everyone is into giveing or recieveing pain.

i myself am into recieving it. That's me though. i have met a few Dom's online, that wanted to meet and scene with me, but when they said that they could not get into dishing out pain, then i myself chose not to scene with them. Thank goodness everyone is not the same is the way i look at it though, or i think it would be a mighty dull world. [/QUOTE]


I love inflicting pain

 

[neonflux]

Non-masochistic submissives aren't uncommon. Can't say I've ever met a non-submissive masochistic, but I'm sure they are out there too.

Found this when I was actually doing a search in response to a question in another forum... I are one, LOL. Neon

 

[neonflux]

Non-masochistic submissives aren't uncommon. Can't say I've ever met a non-submissive masochistic, but I'm sure they are out there too.

Found this when I was actually doing a search in response to a question in another forum... I are one, LOL. Neon

P.S., explanation: ID as switch, and love the sensations and endorphin rush pain give me. While I obey when I bottom, I don't get any fulfillment from true submission (the two are different). On the other hand, my soul soars when I take control and Top.

 

[seandulac]

I am a submissive male and I am NOT a masochist

The problem I have is there is no dominant females who are not sadists. At least I have never found one or even heard of one.

So as mush as people will tell you there is a place for us as non masochist sub, in practice there is not really a place for us in the BDSM scene.

There are dominant males who are not sadists. So if you are female then you might be able to find the right dominant partner.

If, like me, you tried to get dominant sadists to play with you and respect to your limits then you probably, like me, learned that this is always going to have problems. What happens when a sadist violates your limits? Think they will really care? No they do not. You will get, 'well your just overly sensitive to pain', or 'you just mark easy'. In other words sadists can't be trusted to have control over their fetish desires in the context of being dominant with their 'play thing'. It is just too much to ask of them.

Another problem is that most subs are masochists too. So getting a dominant sadist with experience playing with subs who don't like pain is very hard. I recently had a session with a very experienced and respected dominant woman in SF. She advertised that she specializes in less experienced subs and had a style of 'sensual dom'. We exchanged email. I sent her in writing my hard limits (no pain, no marks). We again spoke of my limits at the beginning of our session. She marked my body in blatant violation of my hard limits. Her response? 'Get some ointment'. This woman is published and has been an active BDSM dom for 20 years. I could never find a more experienced dom.

I firmly believe if you are a sub like me, who is truly not into pain, then you should avoid a sadistic dom. I don't think any female sadistic dom should play with a sub that is not a masochist. Like having a fox guard the hen house. It can end in only one way.

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

I‘m just the reverse of what you are.Humiliation or challenging exposures do excite me but I don‘t like to be ordered.This is for my own pleasure.why should I move beyond my comfort zone for anyone else‘s satisfaction?

 

[seandulac]

So you like the be the dominant role, yet you are a masochist? That is fascinating. Do you, like me, find it very hard to find a partner?

 

[fma20fma]

hi

I am masochist. My ex bf is dominant with kinks and variations, variety. great while it lasted. he had to move away. Career. Pity.

 

[unregistered]

 

[bi_sub_lady_doc]

So you like the be the dominant role, yet you are a masochist? That is fascinating. Do you, like me, find it very hard to find a partner?

was that asked to me?
If yes, then the answer is that the whole fetish thing of mine is still confined to fantasy level..so..
plus, the variation or sub branching of bdsm in case of mine is further complicated by the fact that my masochist fantasy involves only women.It doesn‘t hold true in other sort of relation.

 

[Erochic]

The problem I have is there is no dominant females who are not sadists. At least I have never found one or even heard of one.

So as mush as people will tell you there is a place for us as non masochist sub, in practice there is not really a place for us in the BDSM scene.

There are dominant males who are not sadists. So if you are female then you might be able to find the right dominant partner.

If, like me, you tried to get dominant sadists to play with you and respect to your limits then you probably, like me, learned that this is always going to have problems. What happens when a sadist violates your limits? Think they will really care? No they do not. You will get, 'well your just overly sensitive to pain', or 'you just mark easy'. In other words sadists can't be trusted to have control over their fetish desires in the context of being dominant with their 'play thing'. It is just too much to ask of them.

Another problem is that most subs are masochists too. So getting a dominant sadist with experience playing with subs who don't like pain is very hard. I recently had a session with a very experienced and respected dominant woman in SF. She advertised that she specializes in less experienced subs and had a style of 'sensual dom'. We exchanged email. I sent her in writing my hard limits (no pain, no marks). We again spoke of my limits at the beginning of our session. She marked my body in blatant violation of my hard limits. Her response? 'Get some ointment'. This woman is published and has been an active BDSM dom for 20 years. I could never find a more experienced dom.

I firmly believe if you are a sub like me, who is truly not into pain, then you should avoid a sadistic dom. I don't think any female sadistic dom should play with a sub that is not a masochist. Like having a fox guard the hen house. It can end in only one way.

Huh?!

I think there are a lot, but I think you are looking in the wrong places and thinking about it the wrong way.

You are talking about *professional* Dommes who are used to dealing with masochists, not average women who enjoy being dominant but may not identify as Dommes or the BDSM scene at all.