Sub needs to take control

[Lurker_13]

I've recently entered a relationship. While I'm -relatively- new to the sex scene in general, she is much more experienced. She's made it clear to me that she is a submissive and needs me to take control.

The problem? While her tolerance for submission is much, much greater than mine, I am definatley more of a submissive personality. She knows this, and thinks that I won't be able to learn to take control, and says its ok, but I know different. As far as taking control and inflicting a bit of pain...I'd probably feel horrible if I did and be apologizing, which really kills the whole control thing, and I need to learn how to not worry about that.

Anyways....how does a submissive learn to take control and be dominate? Obviously, talking and practice to gain confidence are two ways, but is there anything else to help that along so I'm not feeling completely lost when trying to take control?

Thanks

 

[the captians wench]

I've recently entered a relationship. While I'm -relatively- new to the sex scene in general, she is much more experienced. She's made it clear to me that she is a submissive and needs me to take control.

The problem? While her tolerance for submission is much, much greater than mine, I am definatley more of a submissive personality. She knows this, and thinks that I won't be able to learn to take control, and says its ok, but I know different. As far as taking control and inflicting a bit of pain...I'd probably feel horrible if I did and be apologizing, which really kills the whole control thing, and I need to learn how to not worry about that.

Anyways....how does a submissive learn to take control and be dominate? Obviously, talking and practice to gain confidence are two ways, but is there anything else to help that along so I'm not feeling completely lost when trying to take control?
Thanks

I've always had a submissive personality, but my ex was even more submissive than I was, and tho I didn't really know what BDSM was nor had any clue what a Domme is, my ex had these fantasies and towards the end of our relationship he decided to share them.

I was selling costumes in a place that sold "medievl marrital aids" (aka bdsm gear) and the owner, other consignment people, and regulars knew a lot about the toys, and sort of broke me in a bit. This is when my ex addmited that he wished to be dominated by me. I was very timid, but the idea did intreag me enough to try it. So we did.

I had him on all fours and took a tin chain off of the paints he was wearing and started whipping his ass with it. Slowly at first, just lightly tapping one cheek and then the other and building. I really got into it, with each of his little whimpers the rush built and I'd go at him a bit more. Thinking back on it now, I think I might have tranced out a bit because I remember his whipers growing, but I also remember enjoying that and wanting to cause more. Then he screamed out in real pain and I totally lost it.

As soon as he let out that sound, I colapsed on the floor and was in tears. He quickly curled up around me trying to calm me down. He asked why I was crying and I told him I never wanted to cause him pain. He rubbed my shoulders a bit and told me that he wasn't really in real pain, it was just getting a bit much. I think after that we were both too timid for me to try that again.

But by the time I was introduced to this kind of thing, our communication skills had all but totally depeleted. While I'm not real keen on trying it again, if the right person asked, and really got enjoyment from it, then I would be willing. Part of what went wrong with that attempt was that he's really not a pain slut, and while I do relise that I enjoy inflicting minimul amounts of pain, because he wasn't enjoying it, I wasn't enjoying it. Making my partner happy has always been number one to me. So we were each trying to do something that we thought the otherwas enjoying to make that person happy and we were really not making either of us happy.

I hope this helps some, I kninda feel like I'm just rambling.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I've recently entered a relationship. While I'm -relatively- new to the sex scene in general, she is much more experienced. She's made it clear to me that she is a submissive and needs me to take control.

The problem? While her tolerance for submission is much, much greater than mine, I am definatley more of a submissive personality. She knows this, and thinks that I won't be able to learn to take control, and says its ok, but I know different. As far as taking control and inflicting a bit of pain...I'd probably feel horrible if I did and be apologizing, which really kills the whole control thing, and I need to learn how to not worry about that.

Anyways....how does a submissive learn to take control and be dominate? Obviously, talking and practice to gain confidence are two ways, but is there anything else to help that along so I'm not feeling completely lost when trying to take control?

Thanks

my honest opinion is if you dont' have it in you, you don't have it in you. i don't think you can 'learn' the behavior especially if it's not something you enjoy.i am submissive and i honestly dont' ever see me causing anyone any kind of pain, it's just not in me, nor is being in control of anyone. i know, not words you wanted to hear, but it's my honest opinion.

 

[lil_pooka]

my honest opinion is if you dont' have it in you, you don't have it in you. i don't think you can 'learn' the behavior especially if it's not something you enjoy.i am submissive and i honestly dont' ever see me causing anyone any kind of pain, it's just not in me, nor is being in control of anyone. i know, not words you wanted to hear, but it's my honest opinion.

My thoughts exactly, sorry

 

[myinnerslut]

mabye you can talk to her about how your feeling, tell her youd be interested but also are afraid to cuase her real pain, and see if she would reciprocate. it is not fair to ask you to ignore your submissive feelings in favor of hers. nor would it be fair to ask her to ignore her submissive feelings. perhaps you can try switching with her... she is in control one weekend, you are in control the next etc etc so both of your needs get met. in the end, you may not be able to make it work, but any good relationship is worth at least a try.

 

[FurryFury]

True if it's not in him, it's not in him but how does he know? Often it takes some exploration to find out what is or is not in you despite what you think you know about yourself.

At this point it sounds like he thinks she wants him to hurt her. Most guys would not be into that concept. If he came to see the "hurt" as pleasurable sensation that tripped her endorphins and made sex just that much more enjoyable for them both, he might not dislike the idea of it so much.

It seems to me it could take some cautious and hopefully fun exploration to know what side of the D/s he is on if any.

It's true that he may never be able to give this girl what she wants. They may not have a future together in the long run.

Then again with good communication and exploration done in ways they bring them both joy they may have an excellent shot at a future together.

Fury

 

[Etoile]

My feeling has always been that dominating someone is a form of service that a submissive can do. In the almost 7 years my Daddy and I have been together, there have been three occasions when e wanted me to top em. I am a complete klutz at it but I do it anyway, because that's what I've been told to do, and even though I am acting at the dominant partner at the time, doing so is still a form of service. I'm not sure if this would work in your situation, but it's something to think about.

 

[Netzach]

I played once or twice on the bottom with the meanest and wickedest girl who was submissive to the bone. She liked to please people. Period. If that meant facilitating an experience where they were totally dominated and controlled, she would find a way to do it. I think a lot of her talent arose from being very experienced as a sub and very in tune with listening to people who aren't necessarily telling you things verbally in an effort to deliver what they want. She was probably the most talented Domme I played with and she wasn't one at all.

So I don't know if you have to have Dominance hardwired into you, but sadism and playfulness sure help.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My feeling has always been that dominating someone is a form of service that a submissive can do. In the almost 7 years my Daddy and I have been together, there have been three occasions when e wanted me to top em. I am a complete klutz at it but I do it anyway, because that's what I've been told to do, and even though I am acting at the dominant partner at the time, doing so is still a form of service. I'm not sure if this would work in your situation, but it's something to think about.

LOL, and I learned this lesson well when F pulled it out of the bag for me to do to someone else....took awhile to get my head around it being part of service simply because it was what he ordered, but once I crossed that hurdle, it was much easier to do and get my head in the right place to make sure it was enjoyable for the other person as well.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

LOL, and I learned this lesson well when F pulled it out of the bag for me to do to someone else....took awhile to get my head around it being part of service simply because it was what he ordered, but once I crossed that hurdle, it was much easier to do and get my head in the right place to make sure it was enjoyable for the other person as well.

Catalina

I wouldn't say it was difficult for me to get my head around it, it makes sense to me that it should be that way, but it is always difficult for me to do - from a logistical perspective anyway. I am not good at wielding the implements, you know? And yet because I am providing my Daddy with something e wants, I am able to enjoy doing it - I can take pleasure in the domination because it means I am doing my "job" properly.

I wonder if it takes even more to do it to one's own dominant, rather than a third party? There is some mental block to me of "wait, Daddy is the dominant one, why am I doing this?" but I just try to accept that it's a form of stimulation e enjoys, and I am doing it...it doesn't take away from eir dominance that e likes to feel a certain type of stimulation once in a GREAT while.

 

[Kailey_86]

i think that you need to get some sort of pleasure out of dominating and causing pain for this to work. It might work for a while but in the end you are just wearing a mask and it gets tiring to be something that you're not. If you do get satisfaction out of it and your just shy about it, i would say your best bet would be to talk to her. She can reassure you that she wants it and she gets pleasure from it. This will give you more confidence. Maybe you can ask her how she is feeling while causing her pain. It might kill the moment a bit but at least you will see that she is responding positively which will help you be more comfortable with it. Good luck!

 

[Lurker_13]

Thanks for all of the responses It's great to hear different opinions and experiences.

She's definitely into pain, and she's told me her tolerance of such is very high, that she's into a wide variety of different things in that area. But I don't think she just wants someone there inflicting pain as much as being dominate in every other facet as well. I get the feeling it's more of an all-encompassing thing in addition to being able to inflict the pain she wants. It's one thing to stand over someone and strike them with a whip, most people could do that if they understood they're within their boundaries and it's ok. It's another to really take control of the situation and add all of the other small things in that round out the experience.

Anyways...I liked the "If he doesn't have it in him" comment because really, I believe that philosophy to be true. But I also know that maybe there's a side of me that hasn't been explored like the other person said as well - all I need is confidence in that area. I do get a rise out of making people squirm, I've just never taken it past that point and never had the urge to, to be honest. So I think the potential is there, it's just learning how to unlock it the right way.

Thanks for all the opinions!

 

[A Desert Rose]

ah nevermind... LOL.