sub/dom new couple. dom struggling to seperate feelings.

[jlj13]

Advise needed. Hi all I'm new to this group and also new to bdsm. I've been in very loving and passionate relationship for 8 months. My partner has always been very open and honest about his past with me. It's colourful to say the least. He has mainly been a sub but has switched a little. His sub/dom relationships in the past have always been casual. I have never done anything along these lines but whilst we have been getting to know one another we have played at soft stuff and I've found I really like being a sub. Only in the bedroom as play. We had our first "proper play session" last week and it was great. Both really enjoyed it. Only now he is really upset and says that he didn't feel connected to me. He felt that's the first time we have ever had "casual sex". He says that it hurts him that he adores me but for those few hours he felt nothing for me and that scares him. He says that in the long run he doesn't want to see me in the same light as he has all his previous sub/dom experiences. I'm the first person he has loved and had a sub/dom experience with. Has anyone else experienced this. Thanks in advance

 

[IrisAlthea]

Advise needed. Hi all I'm new to this group and also new to bdsm. I've been in very loving and passionate relationship for 8 months. My partner has always been very open and honest about his past with me. It's colourful to say the least. He has mainly been a sub but has switched a little. His sub/dom relationships in the past have always been casual. I have never done anything along these lines but whilst we have been getting to know one another we have played at soft stuff and I've found I really like being a sub. Only in the bedroom as play. We had our first "proper play session" last week and it was great. Both really enjoyed it. Only now he is really upset and says that he didn't feel connected to me. He felt that's the first time we have ever had "casual sex". He says that it hurts him that he adores me but for those few hours he felt nothing for me and that scares him. He says that in the long run he doesn't want to see me in the same light as he has all his previous sub/dom experiences. I'm the first person he has loved and had a sub/dom experience with. Has anyone else experienced this. Thanks in advance

Yes, kind of experienced the conflict between connection and closeness on one hand and distance and detachment on the other.
I've been with men who reacted like yours and I have some of the same conflict myself.

For me, some things are hot just because in that moment the closeness isn't quite there and it feels like it's not quite us but could be any two people. Still underneath it is still us and the connection isn't broken.

There are things that stay in fantasyland though because I don't think they could work within a caring relationship. The line between what will and will not work hasn't been the same with everyone.

I don't have much advice on how to handle it except that I think you need to talk about how it felt during play and afterwards.
Does he feel differently about you afterwards or was it just during play? Was there some specific moment or action that made him feel like that? Would some kind of ritual before or after, like aftercare for example, help him get in and out of that mindset?

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Maybe you went too far too fast? You said that you played "at soft stuff" and YOU really liked it, but what did he feel? Was he already feeling that disconnect? If not, perhaps you should back up to the soft stuff and move slower going forward in the future.
And as Iris says, talk talk

 

[MeekMe]

Advise needed. Hi all I'm new to this group and also new to bdsm. I've been in very loving and passionate relationship for 8 months. My partner has always been very open and honest about his past with me. It's colourful to say the least. He has mainly been a sub but has switched a little. His sub/dom relationships in the past have always been casual. I have never done anything along these lines but whilst we have been getting to know one another we have played at soft stuff and I've found I really like being a sub. Only in the bedroom as play.

Talk to him about what 'casual sex' looks like to him. Is there anything he feels needs to happen for him to feel more connected? Also, if he's a switch, are you willing to switch as well or are you looking to only play from the bottom? That's something to discuss as well.

We had our first "proper play session" last week and it was great. Both really enjoyed it. Only now he is really upset and says that he didn't feel connected to me. He felt that's the first time we have ever had "casual sex". He says that it hurts him that he adores me but for those few hours he felt nothing for me and that scares him. He says that in the long run he doesn't want to see me in the same light as he has all his previous sub/dom experiences. I'm the first person he has loved and had a sub/dom experience with. Has anyone else experienced this. Thanks in advance

Also, is he dropping? Did he have a great time and afterwards feel an uncomfortable amount of negative emotions? Does he need aftercare to help him cope?

In the BDSM Library (sticky at the top) we have resources to past discussions. I couldn't find anything on 'Top Drop' but I did pull up the Sub Drop and aftercare resources. It is pretty much the same thing, just on different side of the slash.

Since you've never done anything like this before, I think you should study to better understand things. You've come to a great place for resources and advice so please stick around and join in on the discussions. (^_^)