Strengths of Dominance : Different Strokes For Different Folks

[Sirs Lady]

Originally posted by AnelizeDarkEyes
Wellllllll. You're taking a great leap there darlin'. Painting with a wide brush so to speak. Every newer Dom/me isn't necessarily an abuser.

Were we to use the SAME brush....we could say just because your "incredible man" hit you out of anger (we all remember that incident right?) he's an abusive, submissive-beating, lower man.

Get my point?

~anelize

yea, i knew i wasn't saying that the way i wanted to....i was thinking the same thing as you after i posted it and read it, and you're right. i definitely didnt mean that everyone of them would do it. i was thinking of the ones i met who had the sense of "i'm man, hear me roar" as far as being hit out of anger, i was thinking more along the lines of it being done all the time. For me, that was a one time incident that has been discussed and dealth with.For others it is done more often and misconstrued as dominance. I hope that makes better sense...i've been on a lot of flu and cold medicine...

 

[Sirs Lady]

also, in his anger he could've kept going but he didn't, he called his roomate to take me for a drive so we could both calm down...i dont think that is something that the type of person i was thinking would do...

 

[FungiUg]

also, in his anger he could've kept going but he didn't, he called his roomate to take me for a drive so we could both calm down...i dont think that is something that the type of person i was thinking would do...

Now that I admire.

 

[Cardinal]

Question

My wife is pretty controlling, never backs down from a fight, and likes to be in charge. However, she is diffently not in charge in bed, she tends to react more than initiate. Why the difference? Do you think I could get her to take control in bed? If so how?
See the attaced thread to get an idea of my desires for her.

 

[Netzach]

Maybe she's submissive. Sorry pal, a lot of submissives aren't shrinking violets except in bed. That's usually a big clue.

If you want to "get her to take more control" I'd maybe condition her a little, by doing everything she asks you, right away, without question as often as possible. I'd try deferring to her in all the little ways you can think of, without making it too nauseating or wimpy. I'd try treating her like the domineering Goddess of your dreams now. Right now. Which means giving up on some of those things *you* want in the short term. Is this about you, or about her?

She may like the taste of it or she may tell you to knock it off, but then you'll both know.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

I love the idea that the real dom rules with unspoken words and that the goal is that the sub abd the dom know their places with each other with an unspoken language, sometimes the sub needs a good reminder and the dom does rule, but its understood and not based on leather or clothes but on the inner understanding fo the two partners, as it is a real partnership and a trade and it can lead to magic at times

This describes the relationship Sir Dave and I have. Granted, we are separated by 5000 miles of ocean, but whether we are together or apart, there is a bond that is always with us.
He knows that He can trust me because He knows that I respect His authority over me. I've freely given Him my submission, no.. I've gladly given it to Him. I know I am precious to Him. That being said; even tho He treats me with dignity, He still spanks, whips, and flogs me. Not because I've misbehaved, but because we both get enjoyment from it. (LOVE that pleasure pain)
Sir Dave has never hit me in anger, nor do I worry about Him ever doing so. He is very controlled in His actions.
His personality to the rest of the world is dominate, but reserved. His actions are always logical and precise. The same applies to our relationship. I've never been afraid or worried for my safty in the time we've been M/s. He has accepted my submission to Him, He feels its His obligation to care for me. The knowledge that He holds my welfare in high regard gives me great confidence in His capabilities.
I don't need degregation, harsh words, or a heavy hand to know that I'm my Master's slave. I feel my submission to the depths of my soul and joyfully give Him myself to use as He sees fit.

Originally posted by niteshade
An example I forgot in my prior post...
From experience, I know that if I am in a scene, and I am verbally told to "get down on [my] knees and suck that cock" it is like a glass of cold water in the face. My first reaction is not obedience, it is contempt.

However... look into my eyes, gently press down on my shoulders... that silent command is impossible to refuse, nor do I want to.

OK, I can understand how this might not be arousing for some, but for me it is a direct order from Sir Dave and I am happy to obey. I want to please Him. I need to please Him. It is my desire to obey Sir Dave. I think it was Emeraldman who said that there are subs who yearn to perform well for their Dom/Domme; well, I'm one of those subs.
Our M/s relationship works for US. Others have their own sense of what a M/s relationship should be like and I respect their views. It takes many different colours to make a box of crayons.

Thank you Catalina for allowing me to express my $.02 worth.


-kym- Grateful to Sir Dave

 

[emeraldman]

all I can say is yes!!

 

[catalina_francisco]

That was an excellent posting and very good to read MY-Sir's-k-.

Francisco.
http://www.logtenberg.info/handen/hand02.gif

 

[emeraldman]

I am lucky enough to have a sub like that, and there is no other blessing in the world better.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

My Thanks to YOU Catalina for giving me the vehicle to express myself. I love to talk about Sir Dave's virtues and will go on about Him until the cows come home. So if I go on too much, please tell me. OK?

Emeraldman, Thank you for your approval as well. Reading your posts, one can see that you are a loving Master such as Sir Dave.
Subs such as ourselves are blessed to have Masters who love us for who we are as well as for our gift of submission.


-kym- Blessed to wear His collar

 

[catalina_francisco]

Perhaps of interest to some.........

 

[Scarlett_t2]

Good thread, I enjoyed reading it....don't know how I missed it the first time.
S

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Re: Re: Re: Re: This should be fun

Perhaps to clarify, some feel unless a Dominant is cracking a whip and telling them every five minutes why and how they should submit, breathe, and think, they have no strength or dominance.

Ugh. This is the style of dom I hate as both a domme and as a sub. As a sub, I feel like that such a domme is trying to bully me. That may sound strange, but that's how I would feel about it. I submit by choice - my choice. Likewise, I want my sub to submit by his or her choice to me.

As a domme, I feel that these types of doms are choosing to be a vanilla stereotype, whether they realize it or not. And might I add, a common fantasy among vanilla males, many of whom would like to be taken by a dominatrix of this style for one night or so.

As a domme, I am completely different from this. I wear little if any fetish gear. The last scene I dommed I was wearing a silk kimono. I've also paddled a sub wearing a chenille sweater and velvet leggings. I like soft clothes, velvet, suede and silk. Often my choice of dress doesn't designate me as anything to do with BDSM much at all, let alone whether I'm a sub or a domme.

And I had better not feel the need to raise my voice. Oh I hate that.

I never punish a sub in anger. I always do my best to calm down first. Sometimes this works nicely as part of the punishment, as s/he is tied down, blindfolded and forced to wait.

Most forms of pain - flogging, wax, spanking, etc. - are not considered punishments by my sub. However, I could, and have, accomodated subs who definitely considered pain a punishment. I try to be flexible this way; every sub is different, and what is a punishment to one isn't to another. Likewise, what's a turn-on of dominant behavior to one sub is contemptible bullying to another.

So, although I'm something of a "covert" or low-key domme (compared to the stereotype, anyway), I can vary my style a bit for the sub. However, I naturally expect that to work both ways, that is, the sub should also accomodate me. Obviously it's best for subs and doms to be with those who's styles mesh with their own to a certain extent.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Re: Re: Re: Re: This should be fun

Perhaps to clarify, some feel unless a Dominant is cracking a whip and telling them every five minutes why and how they should submit, breathe, and think, they have no strength or dominance. Others can experience a form of dominance which has a different strength of emphasis whereby the Dominant may offer clear but minimal overt direction in beginning stages, preferring a way whereby they can observe the submissive, allow them to give submission without it being demanded in words or actions, and yet still provide the control and strength of a Dominant.

Catalina

My dominance has never been overt. I have always sat back, watched and waited. The pleasure I receive from learning about the submissive is doubled when I have the time to lead them gently where I want them to go.

Yes, there are times when the crack of the strap is a neccessary, but it's not how I prefer to show them what I require. To me, it's almost like a discussion of the body with my motions, hand movements, and body stance directing them in what I need from them. They watch me, study me in the same way that I study them until at some point a minor symbiosis is achieved.

Not every submissive is willing to explore my style of Dominance, and I usually know which of those to avoid. I can not change the inner me to suit them, so I let them go to search for someone closer to their personal ideal.

I have been called *velvet soft and iron hard* and I guess in most aspects it's true. I would show rather then tell. I would rather whisper than yell. Above all, I would rather lead instead of bringing them along.

It's just how I am.
Luna

 

[catalina_francisco]

Good thread, I enjoyed reading it....don't know how I missed it the first time.
S

LOL, so much to read, so little time!

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: This should be fun

Ugh. This is the style of dom I hate as both a domme and as a sub. As a sub, I feel like that such a domme is trying to bully me. That may sound strange, but that's how I would feel about it. I submit by choice - my choice. Likewise, I want my sub to submit by his or her choice to me.

As a domme, I feel that these types of doms are choosing to be a vanilla stereotype, whether they realize it or not. And might I add, a common fantasy among vanilla males, many of whom would like to be taken by a dominatrix of this style for one night or so.

As a domme, I am completely different from this. I wear little if any fetish gear. The last scene I dommed I was wearing a silk kimono. I've also paddled a sub wearing a chenille sweater and velvet leggings. I like soft clothes, velvet, suede and silk. Often my choice of dress doesn't designate me as anything to do with BDSM much at all, let alone whether I'm a sub or a domme.

And I had better not feel the need to raise my voice. Oh I hate that.

I never punish a sub in anger. I always do my best to calm down first. Sometimes this works nicely as part of the punishment, as s/he is tied down, blindfolded and forced to wait.

Most forms of pain - flogging, wax, spanking, etc. - are not considered punishments by my sub. However, I could, and have, accomodated subs who definitely considered pain a punishment. I try to be flexible this way; every sub is different, and what is a punishment to one isn't to another. Likewise, what's a turn-on of dominant behavior to one sub is contemptible bullying to another.

So, although I'm something of a "covert" or low-key domme (compared to the stereotype, anyway), I can vary my style a bit for the sub. However, I naturally expect that to work both ways, that is, the sub should also accomodate me. Obviously it's best for subs and doms to be with those who's styles mesh with their own to a certain extent.

I think the commercial market of BDSM has a lot to answer for in the stereotypes they create in the name of making dollars, not presenting an authentic picture of the reality as it exists for many. Though fetish wear is great if you can afford it, and special occasions, I don't think it is necessary to produce the D/s dynamic in daily living every minute. I am reminded of something a friend who is a Domme once said, 'If they can submit and obey me in my sweatshirt and trackpants, then I figure I must be doing something right '.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: This should be fun

My dominance has never been overt. I have always sat back, watched and waited. The pleasure I receive from learning about the submissive is doubled when I have the time to lead them gently where I want them to go.

Yes, there are times when the crack of the strap is a neccessary, but it's not how I prefer to show them what I require. To me, it's almost like a discussion of the body with my motions, hand movements, and body stance directing them in what I need from them. They watch me, study me in the same way that I study them until at some point a minor symbiosis is achieved.

Not every submissive is willing to explore my style of Dominance, and I usually know which of those to avoid. I can not change the inner me to suit them, so I let them go to search for someone closer to their personal ideal.

I have been called *velvet soft and iron hard* and I guess in most aspects it's true. I would show rather then tell. I would rather whisper than yell. Above all, I would rather lead instead of bringing them along.

It's just how I am.
Luna

This is how I envisioned you dominating. IMO it takes enormous strength, self knowledge and confidence to be able to recognise not every submissive is going to be suited to a particular style, and yet does not diminish their worth as a submissive, just they are not compatible with your needs and do not need to remodel themselves to fit you or another of different orientation. It doesn't have to be a continual battle of wills, more a blending of understanding and desired outcomes.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: This should be fun

I think the commercial market of BDSM has a lot to answer for in the stereotypes they create in the name of making dollars, not presenting an authentic picture of the reality as it exists for many. Though fetish wear is great if you can afford it, and special occasions, I don't think it is necessary to produce the D/s dynamic in daily living every minute. I am reminded of something a friend who is a Domme once said, 'If they can submit and obey me in my sweatshirt and trackpants, then I figure I must be doing something right '.

If someone is not endowed with the brain power to decide they don't NEED a rubber wardrobe to get off, then how is it the responsibility of those of us who do feitshize glamorous and strange attire to tone it down? Shall I switch to a burlap sack and birkenstocks to make your point for you whenever I go to events?

My authentic reality includes leather latex and a willingness to make my fetish passions a financial PRIORITY in my own life.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: This should be fun

If someone is not endowed with the brain power to decide they don't NEED a rubber wardrobe to get off, then how is it the responsibility of those of us who do feitshize glamorous and strange attire to tone it down? Shall I switch to a burlap sack and birkenstocks to make your point for you whenever I go to events?

My authentic reality includes leather latex and a willingness to make my fetish passions a financial PRIORITY in my own life.

N, you have misinterpreted what I was saying. For a start I did not say you or anyone had to 'tone down' your wardrobe and fetish, but then I also don't see you as a huge producer of porn either. I would like to see more of a balalnce of what is presented, and it is beginning to move in that direction, but for many the popularised glam image has already had an impact which they find difficult to move beyond when looking for reality based relationships.

I talk to many who think unless a Dominant (and sub for that matter) wear those clothes as depicted in posed for shoots each and every time you are dominating another you are not the real ridgy didge, and yes, they admit their opinion is based on the fetish glam shots they see in porn. Recently a sub went on to explain he was not interested in any Domme who did not conform to this image, look like a supermodel, and have all the right equipment including a dungeon..of course he was also complaining that he just could not find a Domme to submit to. He was not unusual in my observations of late, and was a result of the stereotyping I spoke of.

LOL, I have my own fair share of fetish shots, but as you say, I have enough brain to know that is what they are, and do not have any bearing on whether the wearer is capable of dominating or not. If you can afford it, great, but that does not mean a Dom/me who can't is any less dominant does it? That is what many equate it too and it is misguided IMHO, which is all I was saying in response to a comment about variations in dominant styles as per the thread topic, and the glam image as mentioned that some fall in love with.

Catalina

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: This should be fun

This is how I envisioned you dominating. IMO it takes enormous strength, self knowledge and confidence to be able to recognise not every submissive is going to be suited to a particular style, and yet does not diminish their worth as a submissive, just they are not compatible with your needs and do not need to remodel themselves to fit you or another of different orientation. It doesn't have to be a continual battle of wills, more a blending of understanding and desired outcomes.

Catalina

I know how hard it is for some submissives, especially when they are used to a more *up close* type of Dominance. To me, it is far easier to find those who are suited to the things I need, then it would be to turn someone from something they enjoy or have grown to need.

Being Dominant does not always mean I am right. It just means that I have enough control to know when to just let go. After all, each submissive is a new gift to unwrap and letting one go (or in my case 2) just frees me to find someone else who needs what I provide. It's really quite simple that way. The main pleasure (for me) in BDSM is the fluidity of each personal relationship, whether rules have been established at the outset, or not.

Thank you, BTW, for your kind words catalina...as always you make me smile.

Luna

 

[CutieMouse]

Bumpitage.

[Yes, I invented the word.]

 

[buxxxom]

Bumpitage.

[Yes, I invented the word.]

Looks like an interesting way to spend an hour or so. Thanks, Cutie Mouse.

 

[ataxia.girl]

i still dunno how Daddy does it. He is very different.

 

[intothewoods]

Bumpitage.

[Yes, I invented the word.]

I was thinking...mouse-bump!

I am concerned with the idea that a Dominant can be a Dominant in his mind (or so it is thought) but not have any connection to BDSM and the guidelines, ethics, etc. in any way. It is fine to be Dominant or submissive and never socialise with anyone else in the lifestyle....we are pretty much in that category ourselves at this point in time. But I think if it is a Dominant who feels a need to be separate in all ways from anything associated with BDSM, there may be a cause for concern and closer observation before becoming involved with them. It appears to me as providing an easy out for an abuser so when caught they can claim they are a Dominant and not an abuser, as we see often in the news in cases of abuse and murder whereby people seek to get off by saying they are into bondage etc.

Catalina

I agree with this, although as you said, just because someone isn't involved in the community doesn't mean it's a cause for concern.

I could say my PYL is a more subtle dominant, but he also doesn't fit the definition in some ways. At this point, I'm sort of out of the game of assessing and categorizing dominants, lol.

I sometimes wish Mister Man would be a little more of a micro-manager type, but I also know that I've found these types really annoying. So, I kind of figure I'm in the right place. He also has amped up the not wanting to share restrictions recently, which is a topic for another thread...

wrong thread, nice shot N.

Ha ha, I thought the same thing!