Strengths of Dominance : Different Strokes For Different Folks

[Sirs Lady]

I don't see why not.
I don't see why not.
I don't see why not.
I don't see why not.

(I think there's an echo in here...)

laughing softly...

btw...forgive my ignorance but what is a pyl?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... btw ... forgive my ignorance but what is a pyl?

Pick Your Label.

 

[FungiUg]

Pick Your Label.

Beats picking your nose, I guess.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Beats picking your nose, I guess.

Actually, i got tired of the laundry list semantics game and shortened the obligatory all inclusive to three letters.

i find a certain satisfaction in reducing the bullshit to a minimum.

Gives me more time to think and phrase the important things.

 

[niteshade]

The Touch

This thread sparked a thought for me; I seem to have a craving for the Touch.

You know, that slight brush of his hand over the nape of your neck, under your hair, across the lobe of your ear. The rasp of his thumb lifting your chin to accept his kiss, stroking along your jaw. The skim of his fingers over the pulse point of your wrist.

There are some men (and probably women, though I've yet to meet one) for whom the simplest of touches is imbued with such power. I have never claimed to be a "true" submissive, but I can say with complete honesty that to those simple touches, I give up control in less than a breath of time. I laugh at heavy handedness, and brush it off... but that kind of subtlety captures me in a way that I can not describe. Is there anyone else who feels the same way?

Do any of you Doms/Dommes employ this technique?

Edited to say sorry for missing this

I am gentle but the firmness of My hand on the back of the neck of a submissive grips like steel wrapped in an electric glove.

 

[FungiUg]

Re: The Touch

Do any of you Doms/Dommes employ this technique?

Ooooh yes!

 

[niteshade]

An example I forgot in my prior post...
From experience, I know that if I am in a scene, and I am verbally told to "get down on [my] knees and suck that cock" it is like a glass of cold water in the face. My first reaction is not obedience, it is contempt.

However... look into my eyes, gently press down on my shoulders... that silent command is impossible to refuse, nor do I want to.

 

[ethereal~minx]

As hard as it is sometimes to accept, especially at times when a submissive feels they need a little more, the bottom line is a Dominant does do because they can and because they are the Dominant. Sometimes it is their personality to have that response, sometimes it is the moment and other pressures, sometimes it is unawareness of all the factors at that moment. Communication is good to encourage at a more appropriate time in discussing your feelings when those words are spoken, but may not always fufil what it is you feel is missing. I think it is the rare submissive who has never experienced these moments, especially in the early days of gaining experience and/or understanding, or times when their own issues demanded they felt more vulnerable and needed a more caring response. Unfortunately that is part of the D/s exchange though which means it is not what we need that is uppermost in the Dominant's mind, unless they wish it to be.

Catalina

This is so difficult for me. I keep trying to think there is something different that y'all aren't getting, you just don't understand it's not the same situation but it comes down to me feeling secure enough in myself to believe one way or the other I will be okay whether the relationship is or not. ...

 

[Sirs Lady]

An example I forgot in my prior post...
From experience, I know that if I am in a scene, and I am verbally told to "get down on [my] knees and suck that cock" it is like a glass of cold water in the face. My first reaction is not obedience, it is contempt.

However... look into my eyes, gently press down on my shoulders... that silent command is impossible to refuse, nor do I want to.

yes, exactly...me too...

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is so difficult for me. I keep trying to think there is something different that y'all aren't getting, you just don't understand it's not the same situation but it comes down to me feeling secure enough in myself to believe one way or the other I will be okay whether the relationship is or not. ...

It takes time. Over time you see the differences, understand what is right for you. I think the biggest hurdle for most is being able to move away from the inbred concept of comparing all actions and words to those of a vanilla relationship/existance, measuring them and feeling they are wrong based on what we have been programmed to accept is good and real. For some that is what makes their world revolve, for others it is vastly different, but each day we have to exist and survive in a vanilla world, so letting go of those concepts becomes a continuous task of raising your own self awareness of what you need and want to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

wrong thread, nice shot N.

 

[emeraldman]

Catalina, its so true, we are all programmed and those that can let go and explore this world are usually rewarded, we do have to let go of the vanilla reality, and its so profound to hear the thoughts and inner feelings,

 

[ethereal~minx]

It takes time. Over time you see the differences, understand what is right for you. I think the biggest hurdle for most is being able to move away from the inbred concept of comparing all actions and words to those of a vanilla relationship/existance, measuring them and feeling they are wrong based on what we have been programmed to accept is good and real. For some that is what makes their world revolve, for others it is vastly different, but each day we have to exist and survive in a vanilla world, so letting go of those concepts becomes a continuous task of raising your own self awareness of what you need and want to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship.

Catalina

*nodding* sooo true~ I was split between both worlds only partially believing in his dominance.. He knows he is dominant but denies the "Dom" label that I sooo wanted him to wear because that is what I felt I 'knew'

is there such a thing as a vanilla Dom? *smiling*

 

[emeraldman]

there are vanilla doms. but they are not worth worring about!

 

[FungiUg]

is there such a thing as a vanilla Dom? *smiling*

Actually, yes.

There are many Doms who are onstinate, and insist on doing everythin their own way. "Nooo..." I hear you all scream. "No Doms are like that!"

Anyway, some of this mulish Doms don't like to "run with the crowd." Won't accept labels just because everyone else thinks they should. Will insist that they are their own person, not someone else's definition of who they should be.

And some of them will even refuse to get on board with the BDSM label, because it becomes an expectation of behaivour... they will be expected to be Dominant, whereas normally they are simply dominant because that's what they want to be, dammit!

So... yes, you could get a non-BDSM Dominant.

Remember, D/s is simply a recognition of one part of almost every relationship, so it's quite possible to be dominant without being "a Dominant".

 

[Quint]

Actually, yes.

There are many Doms who are onstinate, and insist on doing everythin their own way. "Nooo..." I hear you all scream. "No Doms are like that!"

Anyway, some of this mulish Doms don't like to "run with the crowd." Won't accept labels just because everyone else thinks they should. Will insist that they are their own person, not someone else's definition of who they should be.

And some of them will even refuse to get on board with the BDSM label, because it becomes an expectation of behaivour... they will be expected to be Dominant, whereas normally they are simply dominant because that's what they want to be, dammit!

So... yes, you could get a non-BDSM Dominant.

Remember, D/s is simply a recognition of one part of almost every relationship, so it's quite possible to be dominant without being "a Dominant".

I'm not sure I agree with the way you phrased this. I read this as you saying "A 'vanilla Dom' is a dominant man who consciously shies away from association with labels as a 'BDSM Dom.'" I think this is narrow and inaccurate for a couple of reasons.

First, what dominant here says "I am a BDSM dominant! I fit that label!"? We all try to make our own label, as far as it's possible to.

Second, who says a person has to be aware of a lifestyle before they can begin living it? I remember several stories of people here who entered their respective sexual worlds, found they had a tendency to certain roles and activities, and only much later discovered that they weren't alone and there is in fact a name for that sort of sexuality. That doesn't make them 'nilla subs or Doms' in my opinion.

Third, the kind of 'nilla Dom' that I imagine is just clueless, the stereotypical beer-guzzling, wifebeating 'dominant' male who never even questions that life could be any other way. The type we usually flag as abusers rather than Doms. But it's semantics either way; no rule says a Dom is a dominant person who is also ethical. It just works out better for all concerned parties that way.

I'm not entirely sure this was the inflection you meant to cast in your post, Fungi. Please do correct me if I misunderstood what you meant.

 

[Sirs Lady]

Anyway, some of this mulish Doms don't like to "run with the crowd." Won't accept labels just because everyone else thinks they should. Will insist that they are their own person, not someone else's definition of who they should be.

And some of them will even refuse to get on board with the BDSM label, because it becomes an expectation of behaivour...

Remember, D/s is simply a recognition of one part of almost every relationship, so it's quite possible to be dominant without being "a Dominant".

While my Sir is extremely dominant and likes to have things his way...he, too, does not like titles too much. Hmm, maybe i should rephrase that, but i'm not sure how. He requests that i call him Sir. in the "old days" women called their husbands by Sir or Mister. He feels there was a lot more respect for the marriage and home that way. He feels titles should earned, not demanded. The wife (or sub/slave or such) takes care of him and their home. In return, the husband loves and takes care of his wife. A mutual respect is earned.

He says that we are not living the "lifestyle,: but that is how life should be.

[they will be expected to be Dominant, whereas normally they are simply dominant because that's what they want to be, dammit

i have to smile at that, that is pretty close to something He would say.

 

[Sirs Lady]

I'm not sure I agree with the way you phrased this. I read this as you saying "A 'vanilla Dom' is a dominant man who consciously shies away from association with labels as a 'BDSM Dom.'" I think this is narrow and inaccurate for a couple of reasons.

First, what dominant here says "I am a BDSM dominant! I fit that label!"? We all try to make our own label, as far as it's possible to.

Second, who says a person has to be aware of a lifestyle before they can begin living it? I remember several stories of people here who entered their respective sexual worlds, found they had a tendency to certain roles and activities, and only much later discovered that they weren't alone and there is in fact a name for that sort of sexuality. That doesn't make them 'nilla subs or Doms' in my opinion.

Third, the kind of 'nilla Dom' that I imagine is just clueless, the stereotypical beer-guzzling, wifebeating 'dominant' male who never even questions that life could be any other way. The type we usually flag as abusers rather than Doms. But it's semantics either way; no rule says a Dom is a dominant person who is also ethical. It just works out better for all concerned parties that way.

I'm not entirely sure this was the inflection you meant to cast in your post, Fungi. Please do correct me if I misunderstood what you meant.

Also, my Sir, being slightly similar to the type that Fungi is talking about, is definitely not clueless. He has a major in mass communications and minors in history and political science and english. He has just finished his second book. He is an incredible man. On top of all the book sense, he is incredibly funny and a lot of fun. He is not wife-beating, definitely not a beer drinker. and so on....

i've always figured the men that were wife-beating and beer-guzzling were the newer doms or the wanna bes. They don't have any understanding of what a real man is about. They are low men and maybe women and want others to feel as bad as they do.

 

[FungiUg]

Please do correct me if I misunderstood what you meant.

With great pleasure!

I can't remember exactly what I had in mind when I wrote that... but I think I was trying to imply two things.

a. I'm sure there are dominants out there who, being naturally contrary, will deliberately choose to go anti what they perceive to be the "image" of a BDSM Dominant.

ii. if you're dominant, but not into bondage, kinky sex, swinging, inflicting pain... does that make you "vanilla" as well?

Also, there are some of us that may be Dominants, but are not into it as a "lifestyle". Although I wouldn't put that into the "vanilla Dom" category... but just to refute your point about "living the lifestyle". You don't have to live the lifestyle to be a Dom.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i've always figured the men that were wife-beating and beer-guzzling were the newer doms or the wanna bes. They don't have any understanding of what a real man is about. They are low men and maybe women and want others to feel as bad as they do.

I have a personal aversion to considering abusers in any way associated with being Dominants, new or otherwise. There is a clear difference which unfortunately too many do not know until it is too late, and which by inappropriate association give our lifestyle an unwarranted and misunderstood stigma. http://www.cufsmaine.org/bdsmvsab.htm

Catalina

 

[willowthwisp]

I have a personal aversion to considering abusers in any way associated with being Dominants, new or otherwise. There is a clear difference which unfortunately too many do not know until it is too late, and which by inappropriate association give our lifestyle an unwarranted and misunderstood stigma. http://www.cufsmaine.org/bdsmvsab.htm

Catalina

I agree with you totally Catalina. I see abusers and Doms as being opposite in everyway. The physical action of taking a swing at someone may appear similar but the personality behind the action is totally different. Abusers lie on the other end of the personality spectrum.

Willow

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Also, my Sir, being slightly similar to the type that Fungi is talking about, is definitely not clueless. He has a major in mass communications and minors in history and political science and english. He has just finished his second book. He is an incredible man. On top of all the book sense, he is incredibly funny and a lot of fun. He is not wife-beating, definitely not a beer drinker. and so on....

i've always figured the men that were wife-beating and beer-guzzling were the newer doms or the wanna bes. They don't have any understanding of what a real man is about. They are low men and maybe women and want others to feel as bad as they do.

Wellllllll. You're taking a great leap there darlin'. Painting with a wide brush so to speak. Every newer Dom/me isn't necessarily an abuser.

Were we to use the SAME brush....we could say just because your "incredible man" hit you out of anger (we all remember that incident right?) he's an abusive, submissive-beating, lower man.

Get my point?

~anelize

 

[emeraldman]

I totally agree about Doms and wife beaters, they are not related! and the Dom has to have a deep understanding and feeling for his sub, and a deepr understanding of human nature for the whole thing to work. I use of pain as pleasure is a whole different issue too.
I love this thread !

 

[ethereal~minx]

Actually, yes....Won't accept labels just because everyone else thinks they should. Will insist that they are their own person, not someone else's definition of who they should be....

maybe I have idealistic expectations of dominants & dom/mes alike but I suspect this vanilla dominant is passive aggressive with the use of his power~~~ perhaps feeling to use it overtly would be selfish or viewed as selfishness ...so instead attempts to get the other to do as he wants by some other means~ manipulation/coersion/fear

It's been referred to as "the Touch" but to me it's authenticity, integrity... it's knowing what you want and getting it because you're getting the other to give it out of desire, not out of fear

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am concerned with the idea that a Dominant can be a Dominant in his mind (or so it is thought) but not have any connection to BDSM and the guidelines, ethics, etc. in any way. It is fine to be Dominant or submissive and never socialise with anyone else in the lifestyle....we are pretty much in that category ourselves at this point in time. But I think if it is a Dominant who feels a need to be separate in all ways from anything associated with BDSM, there may be a cause for concern and closer observation before becoming involved with them. It appears to me as providing an easy out for an abuser so when caught they can claim they are a Dominant and not an abuser, as we see often in the news in cases of abuse and murder whereby people seek to get off by saying they are into bondage etc.

Catalina