Story feedback appreciated

[hjilion]

My first story to be submitted to literotica. Would be very appreciative of any and all feedback. Thank you in advance for taking the time.

Jay



http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=71051

 

[Guest]

first try

Jay-

There were very clever parts of your story. I found the whole to drag a bit. Several times you mention that he didn't have a mother and father. Once would have been sufficient. When other repetitions are deleted it would tighten the story up considerably.

I was also confused at the end... did he cum? how does a dildo cum? I have never purchased a dildo, so perhaps I've missed some obvious humor.

Finally, you have many sentence fragments in your story. They make it difficult to read.

-b

 

[hjilion]

Bridget,

Thank you for your feedback. Truely is appreciated. Agree with you, in the "mother father" part. Once would have been enough. Actually I do believe there are dildos on the market now, that do in effect "cum". Although I didn't write that in order to reflect reality. More along the lines of Max being alive, instead of inert latex. Something to ponder, in order to get that across. Thank you for your feedback. Yes I do have problems with sentence fragments!

Jay

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Quite an amusing story you have here. It needs a good bit of tightening, so many sentences could have been combined to make one sentence with a comma instead of using the fragments. You use certain words repeatedly which takes away from the story also. You've got a good first try under your belt and with some editing you can resubmit this one. Practice can only make you better so keep writing.
Wicked

My Stories

 

[hjilion]

Wicked,

Thank you for the feedback. You do raise an interesting point to me though. That of sentence fragments. In general I keep reading that the average sentence is about 13 to 15 words. Whereas mine over a span of lets say, 1000 sentences will average about 9 to 11 words. I think I must have some complex against using commas and longer sentences! The triteness point. Yes it seems my mind gets stuck on a particular word, and uses it repeatedly. Thank you for your input, very much appreciated!

Jay

 

[PaulX35]

Hi hjilion,

First of all, congrats with that first story posted! Always a big moment.

You came up with something I found original. I don't frequent the Humor & satire section too often, but this brought a smile to my face, even when I didn't find it erotic in the classic sense of the word, whatever that may be.

Some before me have already pointed out your slight troubles with fragmented sentences, and repetition of information. I'm sure you're talented enough to use that feedback for the benefit of this story.

One other thing that struck me, but that might just be me as a non-native speaker of English: I found the tone somewhat reminding me of an adult telling a story to a small kid. I don't know if that was your intention, but to me it seemed like something you'll only be able to hold up for a short time, before readers might lose interest.

I wish you good luck with your further writing

Paul

 

[hjilion]

Paul,

Thank you for your feedback. I completely agree with you, in that it's not erotic, in the classic sense. One of those instances, where you cannot define erotic, but you know it when you read it. The story had almost been completely written, consisting of only about 6 chapters. From Max's birth to his death. Then I had a hard drive crash, and it was gone. So I hammered that out one morning. Then submitted it. Personally I hate rewriting what has once been created. Please don't take the aforesaid as being defensive. The critique's I value from the people that are on this board. Just a fact of life, you don't back up, one stands to lose what they have created!

The tone changes as Max grows, moving from narrative to first person. The poor little guys screams of terror the first time he's used, by his wonderful Mistress (lol) etc. To his eventual death at the paws of a dog, as a chew toy! Alas I cannot give it all away. (grinz)

I agree that at this stage, the narrative may be somewhat "preachy" but Max has not learned to talk yet. Lord he has just barely learned to see! (LOL)

Thank you for your feedback. Especially agreeing with the two ladies concerning the sentence fragments, etc. Something that I must look at.

Jay

 

[hjilion]

Lawd have mercy! I just noticed I was a virgin, it's been so long, I'm not for sure how to act!


Jay

(wonders what one does to lose their virginity around here!)

 

[PaulX35]

(wonders what one does to lose their virginity around here!)

Jay,

One simply posts, and then one day one wakes up being no longer a virgin. So there's no birds & bees stories, nothing. It just happens

Paul (ex-virgin)

 

[hjilion]

Well darn, here I was looking forward to losing my virginity again!

Jay