Story Discussion: 23 July 2009 -Seduction Of Jasmine by SevenOfSpade

[SevenOfSpade]

Hey there.

The title says it all.

My story have 2 parts and I hope you would take your precious time to read them first.

It is about 4.1k words in part 1, and rougly 5k words on the second part. It is under the Erotic Coupling section.

I hope you can critque my work and give your honest opinion. And I don't mind negative feedback. So please give me your view(s) on my story.

Seduction Of Jasmine:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1109533

 

[SevenOfSpade]

This story is my first try in erotica, so please have mercy

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you?

If it does not appeal to you, what makes it like that?

How does my sense of writing style strike you? Does it seem lousy or good, or is it elementary. And how can I improve on it?

Does the story have a smooth flow? If not, where?

Also, there is a twist/cliffhanger at the last part of part 2. Does it do its job as a twist, or is it just simply lame?

For the character of David, I'm trying to build him as a low self-esteem guy. Did it work subtly?

As for Jasmine, how does her character strike you?

Finally, I would appreaciate all the feedback you can give and how to improve my writing. Other views and opnion are welcome.

Thanks very much,
SevenOfSpade

 

[driphoney]

Man! Where is everybody? I'd much rather be reading advice than giving it, but I'm feelin' sorry for you! Maybe it's because it's a beautiful summer weekend and folks are busy.

Others are better equipped to help you out, but here goes ...

First off, did you use an editor? If you did, you might want to run it past another one. Even I can find grammar issues, and it's a major weakness of mine.

Here are your questions, and you've asked some that are calling for hard hitting answers:

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you?
Unless they're amazingly well done, school based stories turn me off. I back click. But you're young and you write what you know, so ...

If it does not appeal to you, what makes it like that?
Let me combine this question with the following two and spend all my time there.

How does my sense of writing style strike you? Does it seem lousy or good, or is it elementary. And how can I improve on it? Does the story have a smooth flow? If not, where?

I've decided to go to town on just one aspect of your story. Now, I'm just an amateur like you, so roll your eyes a lot as you read the following.

I'm gonna basically re-do your opening. The more I think about it, the more dangerous I can see it is. I'm going to try to preserve your language and tone, but I'm going to try to sharpen your opener. You open it like your basic male thinks, not like a story teller tells. So here goes. It could be total sh**!

Your version:
She was short, about 5'2, with honey blond hair and an attractive ass. Wearing a tight baby blue blouse that hugged her slender figure well, I could notice her nice, medium sized breasts, a vague guess placing the size at B peeking out from under her clothing. Her top nicely paired her slim jeans, accentuating her ass perfectly.

Armed with a cute baby face topped with luscious pink lips, she was indeed a jewel among the more plain students who studied at my school.

Unable to resist her beauty, I decided to make her acquaintance. Putting on my best smile, I approached her, "Hey there."

Seeing me, she smiled her shattering smile. "Why hello."

An awkward silence ensued.

I need to think of something to say quickly.

"I'm David." I stuttered out, conscious of how I was dressed for the first time in months. "Are you new here?"

"Yes."

Another awkward silence.

Damn, this is just fabulous.


A change up, for what it's worth:

“Hey there.”

“Why, hello,” she replied with that brilliant smile that drew me to her.

An awkward silence ensued.

I need to think of something to say quickly.

She was short, with honey blond hair framing her cute face. Her tight baby blue blouse hugging her curves, I couldn't help but notice this jewel. Unable to resist her beauty, I had decided to make her acquaintance. Now it was all falling apart.

“I'm David,” I stuttered out, conscious of how I was dressed for the first time in months. “Are you new?”

“Yes.” She licked her luscious pink lips.

Another awkward silence.

Damn, this is just fabulous.

I know those physical descriptors are important to you, but they're best spread out over the course of the story, and numbers should be avoided. Trust your reader. And honestly, it feels a little formal to me for school kids. I left in your words for the most part, but here in the States, I don't hear too many school kids, either high school, which this story actually feels like to me, or college, which is what will make this story legal on this site, use the word 'luscious'. The phrase 'resist her beauty' also seems too old for a young person. I could be wrong, but it seems that while a narrative can be more structured, your first person narrative needs to be given in the same style as your dialogue. But, perhaps in Singapore it's different.

As for the rest: Some of your sentences are awkward, some of your word choices are perhaps not the best. I have the very same issue. A good editor will help. After the intro, your story at first drags, but then has some fits and starts, so I had trouble following the timeline, and this is all on the first Lit page. This was particularly disturbing:

I thought to myself, "damn, why now of all times? Stupid lightning." And looking at the surrounding houses, it seems like ours was the only one affected. It was then I heard the soft, muffled sobs from Jasmine.


Ignoring the grammar faux pas, I thought she lived on some sort of little estate with a pond and a gate. How did he see the surrounding houses so quickly while standing next to her? Then the story immediately does this:

"D… David? Where are you? I'm scared."

Shit, she's afraid of the dark.

I just remembered this and since the only source of light was the silver moonlight pouring in from the window, the house wasn't as bright as I hoped it to be. I hurriedly walked over to her.

What? I thought there was a thunderstorm going on? How can you have moonlight?

There are other issues, such as how quickly they declared undying love, him using a curse word to his mum on the phone, etc. I just picked out some things that really hit me.


I have to apologize, but I don't have time to read the whole story and comment, so I can't really answer your other questions. I hope this was in some way helpful, and not hurtful. It takes a lot of courage to place a story for critique, so I really admire you. And one final note regarding your story. Even though I only read through one page, I really liked David. I liked his sincerely, and his awkwardness. I also like that it probably takes place in Singapore. As it's a location few readers will ever visit, you could give a little texture of the place to the reader, we'd enjoy it.

Happy writing!

dh

 

[Penelope Street]

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you? If it does not appeal to you, what makes it like that?

If your intention is to relate a sexual relationship without any significant drama, basically a few pornographic scenes, this wasn't half-bad. Since this type of story lacks any real tension, I can't say I was ever involved.

How does my sense of writing style strike you? Does it seem lousy or good, or is it elementary. And how can I improve on it? Does the story have a smooth flow? If not, where?

The narration style was a bit on the awkward side, like this bit of redundancy: Seeing me, she smiled her shattering smile. And I couldn't tell if the 'was' in this sentence was a typo, or an intentional blunder: Other then that, our time at school was revolved around each other. There's also an intangible character to the narrator's voice, as if he hasn't quite mastered English yet. All of this awkwardness is not necessarily a problem with a first person narrator because I can believe a young man might be a tad clumsy when relating his story. In a peculiar way it even bordered on endearing.

Many of the details felt extraneous, and a few even seemed unlikely to me, like this one during a severe storm:... the only source of light was the silver moonlight pouring in from the window.

Other events were summarized, when I though details might have worked better, like here: After a few minutes of digging, I found out... If their conversation is pertinent, then I'd like to hear it. If not, then why include it at all?

Although I found the opening description a tad on the gratuitous side, I enjoyed the narrator's notion that Jasmine was armed with a baby face.

Also, there is a twist/cliffhanger at the last part of part 2. Does it do its job as a twist, or is it just simply lame?

At least Amelia's arrival and Jasmine's response suggest there may be some discord in their future. If so, perhaps the real story starts here?

For the character of David, I'm trying to build him as a low self-esteem guy. Did it work subtly?

He seems like your average lustful young man. I never got that that he had any serious esteem issues beyond ordinary butterflies. Confidence being sexy, I thought there was a subtle attractiveness to his single-minded swaggering.

As for Jasmine, how does her character strike you?

She strikes me as ever so dull.

Finally, I would appreciate all the feedback you can give and how to improve my writing. Other views and opinion are welcome.

If you care to inject a little conflict in your next erotic tale, consider including an obstacle or two the couple has to overcome before getting together.

Thanks very much

You're welcome. Thank you for sharing your story with us!

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Penelope Street]

Maybe it's because it's a beautiful summer weekend and folks are busy.

So true! Considering our winters, squandering a summer weekend feels like a crime.

I also like that it probably takes place in Singapore. As it's a location few readers will ever visit, you could give a little texture of the place to the reader, we'd enjoy it.

Singapore? I totally missed this. Enhancing the setting might have lent the tale that little something extra.

Even though I only read through one page, I really liked David. I liked his sincerely, and his awkwardness.

How interesting is it that we had such similar reactions, not really caring for the story, but still liking the narrator?

 

[jacks4u]

Hi, Seven.

Thanks for the story, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to help.

I read both chapters, and hope I can add something.

I'm a reader, first and foremost, and have only authored one story here, myself. I'm not sure I'm real good at critiquing other people's work, but I do know what I like.

That said, I'll try to answer your questions, and give constructive feedback.

First of all, I agree with driphoney - a good editor could help this story along. Some of the things that pulled me out of it were things I see in a lot of stories here on Literotica, and a pet peeve of mine - mixed tense. I'll give an example:

"She was wearing a red halter top that cupped her breasts nicely and it shows her nice toned arms. Her short shorts were displaying her nicely shaped calves and her fat free thighs."​

Again, a good editor would find these things

Other issues were more structural in nature. I noticed a lot of repetition, in the sex scenes, where he describes her nipples, for instance, similarly in several different scenes.

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you?

If it does not appeal to you, what makes it like that?
​

I find it an interesting story, but much prefer to read stories that explore other aspects of erotica - Group Sex, BDSM, Taboo, to name a few. In short, I'm looking for stories that are on the fringe of sexuality, and lead me to places I have not considered, or experienced myself. Even so, I might have read this one, based on just the title, which I think is good.

I do look forward to a third chapter, especially if the sister manages to get in bed with the other two!

Does the story have a smooth flow? If not, where?
​

One thing I found disconcerting was when David awoke, after having slept in the guest bedroom, only to find Jasmine there. It pulled me out of the story, and I was left trying to figure out how she got there.

As previous commenters have noted, there was the issue with the moonlight on a stormy night - I think that could be fixed by describing in a little more detail, the moonlight - 'the clouds parted briefly to expose a beautiful full moon, which illuminated the rain soaked neighborhood', or similar.

Also, there is a twist/cliffhanger at the last part of part 2. Does it do its job as a twist, or is it just simply lame?

​

I was beginning to think it incredulous that she would live all alone tn that big house, and have no one to interrupt their love making. It was just about that time, the sister showed up!

For the character of David, I'm trying to build him as a low self-esteem guy. Did it work subtly?
​

I didn't see David as having low self esteem, until the story told me as much. I would think that would show in subtle ways much earlier, for instance, he might not have dressed up, just to go help a friend with her studies. Unless, of course, he was planning (hoping?) to 'get lucky', which is not a low self-esteem characteristic. In fact, if his self esteem was really low, he might have to be seduced the first time

As for Jasmine, how does her character strike you?

​

There was not much in the text to give me an impression of Jasmine's personality, it was almost all David. I get that she was: 1) Good looking and shapely. 2) Studious, concerned with her school work. 3) Multi-orgasmic. But there was precious little that built upon her personality. Lack of personality leads the reader to wonder why a character acts/reacts the way (s)he does. This is hard to add personality to a character that's not the narrator, in 1st person past tense. The narrator has to reveal her personality, by her actions/reactions, or by dialog.

Finally, I would appreaciate all the feedback you can give and how to improve my writing. Other views and opnion are welcome.
​

All in all, I thought it was a good story. Some things to help you improve 1) Hang around here, and critique a few stories others have written. 2) The Literotica discussion board has much to offer an aspiring author - for instance, there's a 'Writers challenges and exercises' forum, and other discussions pertaining to growing an author's skills.



Thanks for the story, I hope I've helped.

Jacks

 

[Keroin]

First of all, Seven, congrats for posting a story and having the courage to put it out here for critique! Not an easy thing to do for a new writer.

I'm pressed for time and haven't read the entire story, yet, but a few things jumped out at me immediately. I do, very much, get the sense that this is narrated by someone for whom English is a second language. If that's the case for you, as the author, that's fine, just make sure to get a good editor to go through your work first. Edit, edit, edit...you cannot edit enough.

Mixed tenses was a problem for me and pulled me out of the story. Also, the language doesn't seem appropriate for the age of the narrator. Something to watch for is keeping dialogue natural. For example:

"Ah, her name is Jasmine," I said dismissively. "She is new in school."

An average kid is going to use contractions, like this...

"Her name's Jasmine. She's new in school."

You asked about your characters. Your narrator is likable - everyone seems to agree on this - but he needs a better plot to work with. Penelope mentioned obstacles, this is really important. All good stories have conflict, right from the very opening.

Your opening didn't pull me in, as a reader. When I'm critiquing a work, I'll keep going, but if I'd found this on my own I would have stopped after the first paragraph - not because the writing is bad, just because the opening has been done over and over and over. Descriptions of characters, as an opening in erotic fiction, is a huge turn off for me. I know it seems counter intuitive but how your character looks is actually not very important, most of the time. Your character's actions are very important, these are what will make me care about them and want to keep reading. Please don't mention cup size either, unless the cup size is specifically relevant to the plot. Bra sizes make a story sound clinical.

manyeyedhydra wrote an erotic horror story, "The Biggest Tits in the World", about a very large breasted woman and this is an example of when cup size would be an acceptable detail to include. (Though I'm not sure "beach ball" is a cup size, LOL). Here's the link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=374172

I think his is also a story that has really good, realistic dialogue. So pay attention to that if you read it.

Also, you should read Penelope's story, "T.F.W.B.C", to get an idea of effective description and good, school-aged dialogue. I like her story because the protagonist is so not what you'd expect in an erotic story but, as a reader, you become attached to her quite quickly. Don't be afraid to make strong choices in your writing.

Read lots of stories and participate in these discussions, you'll find that will help you quite a bit. Right now, you need to concentrate on cleaning up your basics.

I hope I've been helpful and not too harsh. Thanks for sharing your story with us!

Cheers,
Keroin

 

[SevenOfSpade]

Man! Where is everybody? I'd much rather be reading advice than giving it, but I'm feelin' sorry for you! Maybe it's because it's a beautiful summer weekend and folks are busy.

Others are better equipped to help you out, but here goes ...

First off, did you use an editor? If you did, you might want to run it past another one. Even I can find grammar issues, and it's a major weakness of mine.

Here are your questions, and you've asked some that are calling for hard hitting answers:

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you?
Unless they're amazingly well done, school based stories turn me off. I back click. But you're young and you write what you know, so ...

If it does not appeal to you, what makes it like that?
Let me combine this question with the following two and spend all my time there.

How does my sense of writing style strike you? Does it seem lousy or good, or is it elementary. And how can I improve on it? Does the story have a smooth flow? If not, where?

I've decided to go to town on just one aspect of your story. Now, I'm just an amateur like you, so roll your eyes a lot as you read the following.

I'm gonna basically re-do your opening. The more I think about it, the more dangerous I can see it is. I'm going to try to preserve your language and tone, but I'm going to try to sharpen your opener. You open it like your basic male thinks, not like a story teller tells. So here goes. It could be total sh**!

Your version:
She was short, about 5'2, with honey blond hair and an attractive ass. Wearing a tight baby blue blouse that hugged her slender figure well, I could notice her nice, medium sized breasts, a vague guess placing the size at B peeking out from under her clothing. Her top nicely paired her slim jeans, accentuating her ass perfectly.

Armed with a cute baby face topped with luscious pink lips, she was indeed a jewel among the more plain students who studied at my school.

Unable to resist her beauty, I decided to make her acquaintance. Putting on my best smile, I approached her, "Hey there."

Seeing me, she smiled her shattering smile. "Why hello."

An awkward silence ensued.

I need to think of something to say quickly.

"I'm David." I stuttered out, conscious of how I was dressed for the first time in months. "Are you new here?"

"Yes."

Another awkward silence.

Damn, this is just fabulous.


A change up, for what it's worth:

“Hey there.”

“Why, hello,” she replied with that brilliant smile that drew me to her.

An awkward silence ensued.

I need to think of something to say quickly.

She was short, with honey blond hair framing her cute face. Her tight baby blue blouse hugging her curves, I couldn't help but notice this jewel. Unable to resist her beauty, I had decided to make her acquaintance. Now it was all falling apart.

“I'm David,” I stuttered out, conscious of how I was dressed for the first time in months. “Are you new?”

“Yes.” She licked her luscious pink lips.

Another awkward silence.

Damn, this is just fabulous.

I know those physical descriptors are important to you, but they're best spread out over the course of the story, and numbers should be avoided. Trust your reader. And honestly, it feels a little formal to me for school kids. I left in your words for the most part, but here in the States, I don't hear too many school kids, either high school, which this story actually feels like to me, or college, which is what will make this story legal on this site, use the word 'luscious'. The phrase 'resist her beauty' also seems too old for a young person. I could be wrong, but it seems that while a narrative can be more structured, your first person narrative needs to be given in the same style as your dialogue. But, perhaps in Singapore it's different.

As for the rest: Some of your sentences are awkward, some of your word choices are perhaps not the best. I have the very same issue. A good editor will help. After the intro, your story at first drags, but then has some fits and starts, so I had trouble following the timeline, and this is all on the first Lit page. This was particularly disturbing:

I thought to myself, "damn, why now of all times? Stupid lightning." And looking at the surrounding houses, it seems like ours was the only one affected. It was then I heard the soft, muffled sobs from Jasmine.


Ignoring the grammar faux pas, I thought she lived on some sort of little estate with a pond and a gate. How did he see the surrounding houses so quickly while standing next to her? Then the story immediately does this:

"D… David? Where are you? I'm scared."

Shit, she's afraid of the dark.

I just remembered this and since the only source of light was the silver moonlight pouring in from the window, the house wasn't as bright as I hoped it to be. I hurriedly walked over to her.

What? I thought there was a thunderstorm going on? How can you have moonlight?

There are other issues, such as how quickly they declared undying love, him using a curse word to his mum on the phone, etc. I just picked out some things that really hit me.


I have to apologize, but I don't have time to read the whole story and comment, so I can't really answer your other questions. I hope this was in some way helpful, and not hurtful. It takes a lot of courage to place a story for critique, so I really admire you. And one final note regarding your story. Even though I only read through one page, I really liked David. I liked his sincerely, and his awkwardness. I also like that it probably takes place in Singapore. As it's a location few readers will ever visit, you could give a little texture of the place to the reader, we'd enjoy it.

Happy writing!

dh

I am really sorry I took so long to reply, school work caught up to me. My most sincere apologies.

From your critique, I've really learned much. Thank you very much for taking your time to help me review my work.

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you?
Unless they're amazingly well done, school based stories turn me off. I back click. But you're young and you write what you know, so ...


I would try my best to make my school- based enviroment more appealing, but any tips?

After the intro, your story at first drags, but then has some fits and starts, so I had trouble following the timeline, and this is all on the first Lit page. This was particularly disturbing:

For the jerky ride through my story, I must apologise. I will try to do better in my 3rd story and look out for it.

*smack head* ahh.... The thunder storm... I totally forgot that it usually is total darkness. Well, it is a mistake well learned.

There are other issues, such as how quickly they declared undying love, him using a curse word to his mum on the phone, etc. I just picked out some things that really hit me.

Well, that would be in my third story. But thanks for remindning me. Almost forgot.

I have to apologize, but I don't have time to read the whole story and comment, so I can't really answer your other questions. I hope this was in some way helpful, and not hurtful. It takes a lot of courage to place a story for critique, so I really admire you. And one final note regarding your story. Even though I only read through one page, I really liked David. I liked his sincerely, and his awkwardness. I also like that it probably takes place in Singapore. As it's a location few readers will ever visit, you could give a little texture of the place to the reader, we'd enjoy it.

Please don't. Everyone has their life, and I am not a pirority. So even just you commenting on my work was really helpful. By the way, it would really be very difficult to make me feel hurt emotionally.

Thank you very much DH
SevenOfSpade

 

[SevenOfSpade]

I also like that it probably takes place in Singapore. As it's a location few readers will ever visit, you could give a little texture of the place to the reader, we'd enjoy it.

Well, both Penny and you mention this, but I am really stumped. How? Well, any ideas? I am currently thinking about having a bus ride with Jasmine, thus, going around the neighbourhood and Singapore.

Appreciate all ideas^^

Thanks
SevenOfSpade

P.S
Penny, jacks4u and Keroin, please don't think I forgotten all about you, it's just that I really am so busy with school work these few days. So over a course of a few days, I would come back and thank all of your.

 

[Penelope Street]

Well, both Penny and you mention this, but I am really stumped. How? Well, any ideas? I am currently thinking about having a bus ride with Jasmine, thus, going around the neighbourhood and Singapore.

Consider what's unique to Singapore- especially what do young persons do there that's maybe not normal other places. Beyond that, when the narrator first approaches Jasmine, a natural thing for him to ask would be if she's new and she could reply that she's just moved to Singapore, which they could discuss over a few lines. Maybe she could mention looking forward to visiting a local site, which then becomes their first date. You could also name the school, especially if it's one that's well know. When the lights go out, she might ask if that happens often in Singapore. Is there a famous mountain or other large landmark that you can see from a distance? If so, maybe it's visible from some part of her house; if not maybe they take a trip to see it. Either way, it can be meaningful to the tale if she says how beautiful it is, to which he replies its nowhere near the most beautiful thing he sees- which leads to their first kiss. With most of these examples, it's really too late to include them in this tale, but there's always next story, right?

Penny, jacks4u and Keroin, please don't think I forgotten all about you, it's just that I really am so busy with school work these few days. So over a course of a few days, I would come back and thank all of you.

Not to worry!

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Hiya.

I read the first chapter and I agree with Keroin (thanks for the recommendation ) about it reading too much as if English isn't the first language. It's actually a sweet little tale with some nice little descriptions, but there's so many silly grammatical errors it detracts from the story as a whole. Be careful of the tenses with your 'show' 'shows' 'showed'. If you can grab one of the volunteer editors they might be able to show you where to make those fixes.

The dreaded cup size mention and exact height in the first paragraph are also big no-no's. Keroin started a thread that should still be somewhere down this page about the importance of a good beginning to a story. Most people won't go further than the first line or paragraph so you have to grab their attention right away.

The dialogue sounds a little stilted and formal rather than natural. This does help in getting across that both the narrator and jasmine are shy and a little awkward around each other, but goes a little too far at some points.

The narrator seems likeable. Jasmine is less well defined. I got that she's doing a little bit of the seducing as well as she likes him, but there wasn't much else revealed about her. I did notice a paragraph near the end of the first page where the point of view suddenly switched to her. You should avoid this, especially as the story is in the first person.

Penny makes some good points on the requirement for conflict. Not silly conflict, but something that might throw doubt on whether they stay together. The test is whether you can make people go onto to read chapter 2 after reading chapter 1.

Also make use of the setting as Penny suggested. Most people haven't been to Singapore. You don't need write a travel guide, but some solid descriptions add to the flavour and make it stand out.

 

[driphoney]

It is hard to know what is unique about a place that you've lived in your whole life, especially if you haven't traveled much. Singapore is very Westernized in looks and is a lovely, spotless place where people live and work, more than sight-see, that's for sure. But think about what you might be proud of, what feels special to you. Singapore is blend of three cultures, so giving your narrator and Jasmine some background would be very interesting to a reader. Riding around on a bus might seem a bit 'travelogue'-ish, so you might want to avoid that unless it's just to note the name of the route or name of the transit, which would give readers a sense of place. Your couple could go to a specifically named park, watch a cricket match (which is unique for Yank readers if not for the rest of the ex-colonial readership here at Lit), or meet in front of St. Joseph's Church. That sort of thing.

dh

I also like that it probably takes place in Singapore. As it's a location few readers will ever visit, you could give a little texture of the place to the reader, we'd enjoy it.

Well, both Penny and you mention this, but I am really stumped. How? Well, any ideas? I am currently thinking about having a bus ride with Jasmine, thus, going around the neighbourhood and Singapore.

Appreciate all ideas^^

Thanks
SevenOfSpade

P.S
Penny, jacks4u and Keroin, please don't think I forgotten all about you, it's just that I really am so busy with school work these few days. So over a course of a few days, I would come back and thank all of your.

 

[Tarakin]

The lack of response may also come from holiday season, I myself I'm just back from a two week tour. Be patient, more responses will come in time.

Many things have already been mentioned, so I'll just add a few thoughts of mine. First of all, avoid the head-hopping. There's a line where the reader is in Jasmine's thoughts (His hands on my nipples feel good...), that should be avoided. Describe her reactions through his eyes, like you normally do, that would be better.

For the second thing, it's better to avoid measurements (size B, 7 inches). There's much discussion along this topic, but generally a more vague description of gender attributes seems to be prefered.

As another thought, there are many coincidences in the story, the lockers, the seating order, the drenched bed. Maybe skip a few of those? Not all of them seem to be needed, so maybe the drenched bed could be an invention to get him an invitation to stay for the night? Just a thought of course. Generally you don't use much storyline, so the characters look a bit generic to me.

The end of part two is good and calls out for a third part. Who is Amelia and why is Jasmine so shaken by her appearence? This is the sort of drama I personally missed in the first two parts. But all in all for a first story it's a nice work.

 

[SevenOfSpade]

If your intention is to relate a sexual relationship without any significant drama, basically a few pornographic scenes, this wasn't half-bad. Since this type of story lacks any real tension, I can't say I was ever involved.

The narration style was a bit on the awkward side, like this bit of redundancy: Seeing me, she smiled her shattering smile. And I couldn't tell if the 'was' in this sentence was a typo, or an intentional blunder: Other then that, our time at school was revolved around each other. There's also an intangible character to the narrator's voice, as if he hasn't quite mastered English yet. All of this awkwardness is not necessarily a problem with a first person narrator because I can believe a young man might be a tad clumsy when relating his story. In a peculiar way it even bordered on endearing.

Many of the details felt extraneous, and a few even seemed unlikely to me, like this one during a severe storm:... the only source of light was the silver moonlight pouring in from the window.

Other events were summarized, when I though details might have worked better, like here: After a few minutes of digging, I found out... If their conversation is pertinent, then I'd like to hear it. If not, then why include it at all?

Although I found the opening description a tad on the gratuitous side, I enjoyed the narrator's notion that Jasmine was armed with a baby face.

At least Amelia's arrival and Jasmine's response suggest there may be some discord in their future. If so, perhaps the real story starts here?

He seems like your average lustful young man. I never got that that he had any serious esteem issues beyond ordinary butterflies. Confidence being sexy, I thought there was a subtle attractiveness to his single-minded swaggering.

She strikes me as ever so dull.

If you care to inject a little conflict in your next erotic tale, consider including an obstacle or two the couple has to overcome before getting together.

You're welcome. Thank you for sharing your story with us!

Take Care,
Penny

Hey there Penny, I'm really sorry for taking so long, schoolwork came along....

Ah well, I really appreciate you taking your time to comment on my story. Thank you.

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you? If it does not appeal to you, what makes it like that?

I'm wondering if you could give me some tips to make it into a drama type of story. I'm most probably going to stick to the conflict between Amelia and her sister, Jasmine. All ideas on how to make it a good conflict would be appreciated.

How does my sense of writing style strike you? Does it seem lousy or good, or is it elementary. And how can I improve on it? Does the story have a smooth flow? If not, where?

Hmm... I would try to work on it, but I changed it a bit from my chapter 1 to chapter 2 I believe. So if you can, please tell me if my chapter 2 style of writing is better. Thanks.

Also, there is a twist/cliffhanger at the last part of part 2. Does it do its job as a twist, or is it just simply lame?

Yup, the story would most likely kick off from here. But I won't be writing for now, studies are more important.

For the character of David, I'm trying to build him as a low self-esteem guy. Did it work subtly?

Thank you for liking David . I wanted David to be a bit low self esteem. But ah well, if people like him this way, why not?

As for Jasmine, how does her character strike you?

Haha, must be because I rarely added information on her

But I'm not sure how. Because I'm writing in first person, how do I included personality traits about Jasmine? Apprecaite all views on this. Thanks ^.^

Overall, Thank you Penny for giving me such a great critique. I hope I can improve my writing in the future, and thank you for all the tips.

Thank you very much,
SevenOf♣

 

[Penelope Street]

I'm really sorry for taking so long, schoolwork came along....

Not an issue for me.

I'm wondering if you could give me some tips to make it into a drama type of story. I'm most probably going to stick to the conflict between Amelia and her sister, Jasmine. All ideas on how to make it a good conflict would be appreciated.

Sibling rivalry is fine drama. Sisters can be vicious to one another, so don't be afraid to make it intense or even violent.

I also believe someone mentioned Singapore being culturally diverse? Tension between cultures, races, and classes is almost always drama that every reader can relate to. though it's probably too late to inject any into this tale.

Hmm... I would try to work on it, but I changed it a bit from my chapter 1 to chapter 2 I believe. So if you can, please tell me if my chapter 2 style of writing is better.

I didn't notice a difference, but that doesn't necessarily mean there isn't any.

Yup, the story would most likely kick off from [the appearance of Amelia].

That should spice things up a bit. This does make one wonder why doesn't the story simply start with this scene?

But I'm not sure how. Because I'm writing in first person, how do I include personality traits about Jasmine? Appreciate all views on this.

The lazy way is for David to just tell us something like Jasmine could be petty and had quite the temper. Better would be for David to tell us about when he arrived a few minutes late to her home: She yanked open the door and leered at me through narrow eyes. "Do you know what it's like to keep someone waiting? It's a lot like this!" With that, she slammed the door in my face.

Being afraid of the dark was done well enough. Did David really need to tell us why she was frightened?

Aside from small talk, flirting, and having sex, I can't remember much else Jasmine said or did. In a way, this suggests something about David too, that he's not initially interested in anything beyond a nice ass, a pair of full B-cups, and that baby face. I admire the honesty in that.

Overall, Thank you Penny for giving me such a great critique. I hope I can improve my writing in the future, and thank you for all the tips.

You're welcome. Thanks for being such gracious host.

 

[SevenOfSpade]

Hi, Seven.

Thanks for the story, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to help.

I read both chapters, and hope I can add something.

I'm a reader, first and foremost, and have only authored one story here, myself. I'm not sure I'm real good at critiquing other people's work, but I do know what I like.

That said, I'll try to answer your questions, and give constructive feedback.

First of all, I agree with driphoney - a good editor could help this story along. Some of the things that pulled me out of it were things I see in a lot of stories here on Literotica, and a pet peeve of mine - mixed tense. I'll give an example:

"She was wearing a red halter top that cupped her breasts nicely and it shows her nice toned arms. Her short shorts were displaying her nicely shaped calves and her fat free thighs."​

Again, a good editor would find these things

Other issues were more structural in nature. I noticed a lot of repetition, in the sex scenes, where he describes her nipples, for instance, similarly in several different scenes.

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you?

If it does not appeal to you, what makes it like that?
​

I find it an interesting story, but much prefer to read stories that explore other aspects of erotica - Group Sex, BDSM, Taboo, to name a few. In short, I'm looking for stories that are on the fringe of sexuality, and lead me to places I have not considered, or experienced myself. Even so, I might have read this one, based on just the title, which I think is good.

I do look forward to a third chapter, especially if the sister manages to get in bed with the other two!

Does the story have a smooth flow? If not, where?
​

One thing I found disconcerting was when David awoke, after having slept in the guest bedroom, only to find Jasmine there. It pulled me out of the story, and I was left trying to figure out how she got there.

As previous commenters have noted, there was the issue with the moonlight on a stormy night - I think that could be fixed by describing in a little more detail, the moonlight - 'the clouds parted briefly to expose a beautiful full moon, which illuminated the rain soaked neighborhood', or similar.

Also, there is a twist/cliffhanger at the last part of part 2. Does it do its job as a twist, or is it just simply lame?

​

I was beginning to think it incredulous that she would live all alone tn that big house, and have no one to interrupt their love making. It was just about that time, the sister showed up!

For the character of David, I'm trying to build him as a low self-esteem guy. Did it work subtly?
​

I didn't see David as having low self esteem, until the story told me as much. I would think that would show in subtle ways much earlier, for instance, he might not have dressed up, just to go help a friend with her studies. Unless, of course, he was planning (hoping?) to 'get lucky', which is not a low self-esteem characteristic. In fact, if his self esteem was really low, he might have to be seduced the first time

As for Jasmine, how does her character strike you?

​

There was not much in the text to give me an impression of Jasmine's personality, it was almost all David. I get that she was: 1) Good looking and shapely. 2) Studious, concerned with her school work. 3) Multi-orgasmic. But there was precious little that built upon her personality. Lack of personality leads the reader to wonder why a character acts/reacts the way (s)he does. This is hard to add personality to a character that's not the narrator, in 1st person past tense. The narrator has to reveal her personality, by her actions/reactions, or by dialog.

Finally, I would appreaciate all the feedback you can give and how to improve my writing. Other views and opnion are welcome.
​

All in all, I thought it was a good story. Some things to help you improve 1) Hang around here, and critique a few stories others have written. 2) The Literotica discussion board has much to offer an aspiring author - for instance, there's a 'Writers challenges and exercises' forum, and other discussions pertaining to growing an author's skills.



Thanks for the story, I hope I've helped.

Jacks

Hey Jacks, thanks for all your trouble in helping me critique my work. Really appreciate it.

About the grammars, I have already corrected it with the help of my good editor, Kumani.

Overall, I would like to know if it appeals to the readers out there, and how does it appeal to you?

If it does not appeal to you, what makes it like that?

Hahaha. About the bedding of the two sisters, I am thinking of doing that. So it will be due about 4 months from now. After my exams end.

Does the story have a smooth flow? If not, where?

Ah... The ever lasting storm. My deepest appologise, it was a careless mistake on my part that led to that. And I shall try to improve the flow on my stories. Thanks

Also, there is a twist/cliffhanger at the last part of part 2. Does it do its job as a twist, or is it just simply lame?

So the cliff hanger was not lame. Thank God. I shall not disappoint my readers out there on part 3.

For the character of David, I'm trying to build him as a low self-esteem guy. Did it work subtly?

So the low self-esteem did not work. *Sigh* Hoping it did.

As for Jasmine, how does her character strike you?

Hmm... I will try to work on the character of Jasmine. Thanks Penny for the great tip. XD

Overall, thank you so much Jacks for reading my story and I hope I didn't make it too much a chore for you to critique my work. So once more, thank you Jacks.

Thanks,
SevenOfSpade

 

[jacks4u]

Hey Jacks, thanks for all your trouble in helping me critique my work. Really appreciate it.

No trouble at all, I find that I actually enjoy critiquing other people's work. But then, I'm a reader first, author second or maybe even third...

I do know how hard it is to describe a non-narrator character's personality in first person. You have to reveal those traits as seen through the eyes or ears of the narrator. Quite a tough job. Penny has some good ideas about how to add personality.

Thanks for sharing your story, and for having the courage to put it up for critique. I do wish you success, and hope to read chap. 3 some day...

Jacks

 

[PrincessErin]

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