Stop feeling worthless

[ickle_stace]

When I was younger, I always told myself that I'd only sleep with someone when I was in a relationship with them for a while and I knew it was serious, but then things never seemed to go right in that respect. I got made to feel like I was strange and would never find a guy because I didn't want to sleep with them as soon as possible. So then I ended up spending a year sleeping with guys who I thought wanted me, but then after sleeping with me they'd say "they didn't want a relationship", but yet really mean they didn't want one with me.

But everytime they do that to me I feel worthless and like a slapper/slut/tart whatever you wanna say, and I hate it.

I don't wanna feel like that, but it's so hard not to, it just makes me think "whats so wrong with me that they wanna do that to me?"

Also sometimes I'll find someone attractive, and we'll be friends, and I really want to sleep with them, not because I wanna be with them, just cos Im attracted to them, and to me thats not the same situation as being lied to that a guy wants to be with me and then dropping me afterwards, but I've slept with guys I've been friends with and I still feel worthless afterwards even though I shouldn't

I don't wanna feel like this anymore, I hate feeling worthless. I wanna have fun and not feel bad cos of it, and I wanna not blame myself when a guy treats me like dirt

 

[SweetErika]

I can relate more than you know, Stace.

My solution was to stop having sex outside of relationships, reserving that for people I shared strong feelings with. The other part of that, of course, is dating people who were willing and able to value, respect and care about/love me for who I was, NOT just pretend because they wanted sex.

I've never had the desire to go back to having casual sex and feeling used and worthless, or even just that pain of one-way attachment/emotions. It feels really good to be cared about and treated well for all of me, and there are plenty of people out there who are willing and able to do that.

What I've figured out is I'm just not built for casual sex. Part of that, I think, is my inherent need for love and attachment; another is my history with low self-esteem, rejection issues, etc. When I was doing it in spite of it feeling bad, I realized my payoff was getting attention from men, feeling desired/wanted and reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy of what I truly wanted/needed to feel good.

Maybe some of that resonates with you, or perhaps not, but think about why you feel bad about it and what you're getting out of continuing the behavior. If you want something different, go after that. Or, just try to break out of your pattern since this one isn't working for you. That's going to be hard and feel wrong at first, but give it a chance to feel right before discarding it.

And, lest you forget, you are NOT worthless! You have shown yourself to be an intelligent, caring, giving young woman who, unfortunately, fell in with an abusive asshole, and has worked hard to heal from that experience. That alone is worth a lot.

***Just to be clear, I'm not putting down casual sex at all. I think it's great for some people, and am just saying it doesn't work for everyone, myself included.

 

[human_male]

Why is it you have sex with men that treat you like that? Why can't you find someone nice who's willing to have a relationship with you? Or if not a relationship, is honest with you and isn't lieing to you to get what he wants? I suppose there's no way of knowing what his intentions are before you have sex with him. So ok, just come to the understanding with each other that this is just for fun and no one needs to lie about it. Is that realistic? It's hard to know being a guy that doesn't do this kind of thing. I think you could certainly raise the bar when it comes to men, by the sound of it.

Is it having sex with someone just because you find them sexually attractive even if you don't want to be with them that makes you feel like a slut? Or is it how they treat you afterward? If it's the former maybe you should be true to yourself and wait until you're in a relationship. There's certainly nothing strange about that. If it's the latter, it would seem simple... just go out with a higher calibre of men. That might sound easier said than done but I can tell you, as a woman you hold most of the cards.

I don't have any experience with this kind of thing so I'm sorry if this is all a load a crap. It's sad that a nice person has to go through all this just because you need love and sex, and all the things that it seems everyone else has and takes for granted. I hope things get better for you.

Again, I'm sorry if I'm way off the mark.

 

[ickle_stace]

I can relate more than you know, Stace.

My solution was to stop having sex outside of relationships, reserving that for people I shared strong feelings with. The other part of that, of course, is dating people who were willing and able to value, respect and care about/love me for who I was, NOT just pretend because they wanted sex.

I've never had the desire to go back to having casual sex and feeling used and worthless, or even just that pain of one-way attachment/emotions. It feels really good to be cared about and treated well for all of me, and there are plenty of people out there who are willing and able to do that.

What I've figured out is I'm just not built for casual sex. Part of that, I think, is my inherent need for love and attachment; another is my history with low self-esteem, rejection issues, etc. When I was doing it in spite of it feeling bad, I realized my payoff was getting attention from men, feeling desired/wanted and reinforcing my belief that I wasn't worthy of what I truly wanted/needed to feel good.

Maybe some of that resonates with you, or perhaps not, but think about why you feel bad about it and what you're getting out of continuing the behavior. If you want something different, go after that. Or, just try to break out of your pattern since this one isn't working for you. That's going to be hard and feel wrong at first, but give it a chance to feel right before discarding it.

And, lest you forget, you are NOT worthless! You have shown yourself to be an intelligent, caring, giving young woman who, unfortunately, fell in with an abusive asshole, and has worked hard to heal from that experience. That alone is worth a lot.

***Just to be clear, I'm not putting down casual sex at all. I think it's great for some people, and am just saying it doesn't work for everyone, myself included.

I don't mind casual sex if its with someone I also class as a friend, and who I know isn't going to lie to me or treat me like dirt afterwards. But it's more the guys who pretend they want more with me and then treat me like dirt that are the real reason I feel worthless, although when you're telling yourself that you're worthless because those men treat you like that, your mind tells you you're a bad person for sleeping with the friends too, so in a way it all makes me feel worthless when some of it shouldn't.

I don't really know if I'm ready to be in a relationship, but like you said, there's that need for attention and being wanted, but then afterwards you can feel hurt and used, and I feel like I shouldn't let those guys make me feel so worthless, but I can't help it sometimes

Thanks for being so nice to me Erika

 

[ickle_stace]

Is it having sex with someone just because you find them sexually attractive even if you don't want to be with them that makes you feel like a slut? Or is it how they treat you afterward? If it's the former maybe you should be true to yourself and wait until you're in a relationship. There's certainly nothing strange about that. If it's the latter, it would seem simple... just go out with a higher calibre of men. That might sound easier said than done but I can tell you, as a woman you hold most of the cards.

It's the guys who make me think they want to be with me and then once they've slept with me they don't want to know me who make me feel worthless and like a slut.

 

[skizbees]

I was in situations like that. Had a few bad relationships where the sexual compatibility was questionable but I always stayed longer and felt guilty when I knew the man wasn't going to change. There are better men out there to date that will find you attractive and want to be with you. What worked for me was voluntarily going celibate (8 months, then a year and a half, with no masturbation (was too stressed/busy with work and school)), and just being with friends for a while before starting a new relationship last fall. You don't have to focus on being in a sexual relationship to function as a person or feel worthwhile. Find out what truly makes you happy and do it.

Casual sex isn't something you should be happy to get, and then feel guilty about later. If it works for you, good for you, if not, simply stop having casual sex and focus on something else. Sex in a committed relationship is much more stable don't you think? There's nothing wrong with getting yours first (after all, ladies first, right?).

 

[tanyachrs]

Casual sex isn't something you should be happy to get, and then feel guilty about later. If it works for you, good for you, if not, simply stop having casual sex and focus on something else.

Bingo. You don't need to stop feeling worthless, you need to stop doing the thing that's making you feel worthless. The guys aren't going to change. You need to change.

 

[ickle_stace]

Bingo. You don't need to stop feeling worthless, you need to stop doing the thing that's making you feel worthless. The guys aren't going to change. You need to change.

i've not done it for a few months now, but i still feel worthless

 

[skizbees]

You've got to find something that will make you happy, not worthless. Go out with friends..have a nice lunch with a glass of wine. Relax. Your body just isn't solely wired for sex. Get a massage. If you have a basement with concrete walls, chuck a few pieces of porcelain glass at it. Have screaming fit if you need to let out anger. (But don't do that in public...) You deserve better than casual sex/guilt thereafter, but your brain hasn't convinced you yet. Looks aren't everything. There's personality, temperament, quirks, whatever. Some men are just a nice body and nothing else. Others (the majority) are much more than that and will let you know.

 

[ickle_stace]

You've got to find something that will make you happy, not worthless. Go out with friends..have a nice lunch with a glass of wine. Relax. Your body just isn't solely wired for sex. Get a massage. If you have a basement with concrete walls, chuck a few pieces of porcelain glass at it. Have screaming fit if you need to let out anger. (But don't do that in public...) You deserve better than casual sex/guilt thereafter, but your brain hasn't convinced you yet. Looks aren't everything. There's personality, temperament, quirks, whatever. Some men are just a nice body and nothing else. Others (the majority) are much more than that and will let you know.

I don't mind casual sex if its with someone who I can get on well with in other situations, its the one night stands with guys who had made out they wanted to be in a relationship with me beforehand that have made me feel worthless

I guess I was just hoping someone would have some magic words for me to think of and believe im not the worthless person they've made me feel like

 

[jerseyman1963]

I don't mind casual sex if its with someone who I can get on well with in other situations, its the one night stands with guys who had made out they wanted to be in a relationship with me beforehand that have made me feel worthless

I guess I was just hoping someone would have some magic words for me to think of and believe im not the worthless person they've made me feel like

Ickle Stace, it sounds like what you're saying is that you are not finding what you really want in your heart in the men and the places where you are looking, or in the ways you're going about it.

Here's what worked for me when I was in a similar place. Maybe it would work for you too. Perhaps.

After yet another broken and unfulfilling relationship that I looked back on and wondered to myself, "What the hell was I thinking?" I said to a female friend that I was swearing off women for a while until I figured it out. She gave me some wise and sage advice. She said, "You don't have to swear off women entirely. In fact that's probably a bad idea. What you should do is go out on a lot of dates. Just don't get involved with anyone, and definitely don't sleep with anyone. Just go out a lot, and have a good time. But no involvements, and no sex."

Figuring I had nothing to lose, and since going out a lot sounded much better than sitting around the house all alone pondering my navel, I did that for about six months, and I had a ball. I went out on a lot of dates, and if the women I dated had repeat potential, I was very upfront almost right from the start that I was not going to get serious with anyone right now. I also tried to explain that this was not just a strategy to get laid without any personal commitment. I really was just not going to get tight with anyone at the moment.

Generally speaking, almost all the women I went out with were totally cool about it. One woman, who I was very attracted to and I actually liked a lot, broke up with me because I wouldn't sleep with her! Which I thought was hilarious at the time, because I thought to myself, "When was the last time a woman broke up with a man because he said he respected her too much to sleep with her casually, and that's all it would be?" But in general, most everyone was cool with me about it. There were no preconceptions, and no fantasies of what might be happening clashing with the reality of what was in reality happening.

What I also found was that the more serious I was about not getting involved, and not getting naked with anyone, the more women wanted me! I didn't start it as a "strategy," but I remember thinking, "Damn! This is accidentally a great strategy. I'm like a chick magnet all of a sudden, and it's all because I don't really want anything right now."

It gave me the time to think about who I was, where and how I was looking for love, and what worked and what didn't work for me. Most importantly it gave me the breathing room and the time to assess whether someone I was with was potentially good for me, or was yet another incarnation of the same old wrong-for-me person who looked good at first blush, but was ultimately going to lead nowhere.

Ultimately, when the right woman dropped into my life, I was ready for it, and instantly recognized her as right for me. The decision to then drop the "no involvement" strategy was pure gut instinct from the heart. Full disclosure: that relationship ultimately didn't work out. But in hindsight, this time, unlike the crappy relationship(s) that I misread and ultimately disappointed me, this time I did not regret it because I felt like I gave it an honest shot, and hadn't been kidding myself.

Whether this works for you or not, good luck. This stuff is hard. You're already half way home just because you're asking yourself the tough questions about what you may be contributing. The rest will come in time as long as you keep making an honest attempt with yourself.

 

[ickle_stace]

But from my own experiences and knowledghe from female friends, men are more likely to not wanna know a girl who won't sleep with them, so it probably won't be easy for me to find dates as it will a bloke

basically if i stay away from guys, then i'll have to stay away altogether and just stick to my friends, I know from the past that guys don't stick around once you tell them you ain't sleeping with them

 

[M's girl]

But from my own experiences and knowledghe from female friends, men are more likely to not wanna know a girl who won't sleep with them, so it probably won't be easy for me to find dates as it will a bloke

That's not true, only the wrong men are like that. There are nice ones too out there. But you have to know where to look! Still, if you feel that way then play the game. Flirt with them. Don't make them think you're going to sleep with them but also don't tell them you're not!

So, leading them on? Well, no. Not exactly. Just long enough for you to find out (get to know them just a bit better) what they are like. Look closer, and you will find the good ones!

basically if i stay away from guys, then i'll have to stay away altogether and just stick to my friends, I know from the past that guys don't stick around once you tell them you ain't sleeping with them

Like I just said... don't tell them, at least not right away. On the other hand (and others have said something similar): why would you be one bit interested in a guy that only wants to fuck you and nothing else? If it's that, or sticking to the (real) friends, it would not be a difficult choice to make for me.

 

[ickle_stace]

That's not true, only the wrong men are like that. There are nice ones too out there. But you have to know where to look! Still, if you feel that way then play the game. Flirt with them. Don't make them think you're going to sleep with them but also don't tell them you're not!

So, leading them on? Well, no. Not exactly. Just long enough for you to find out (get to know them just a bit better) what they are like. Look closer, and you will find the good ones!

Like I just said... don't tell them, at least not right away. On the other hand (and others have said something similar): why would you be one bit interested in a guy that only wants to fuck you and nothing else? If it's that, or sticking to the (real) friends, it would not be a difficult choice to make for me.

im not sure, an ex of mine pressured me into losing my virginity to him, and then this summer another guy made me sleep with him, i'm not sure if i could go out on dates with guys without telling them i won't be sleeping with them because I'd be scared of that happening again

I sound so messed up don't I?

 

[M's girl]

Not messed up. I can understand how you can lose your faith in men over things like that. The plan is for you to take control of "the game". Not to mess with men necessarily, but to be able to beat them at their own game if they are trying to play with you.

I don't know how old you are but you seem to be years younger than me. So it's not ages ago when this virginity thing happened. I know it's not really a consolation but what you describe happens to a lot of girls. Boys will always pressure girls into sex and/or girls will always feel pressured (or a little bit of both). You gave in. And on hindsight were sorry. So he was not THE ONE after all.... Happens a lot, certainly at a young age.

The guy this summer that made you sleep with him? Unless you were raped (and I sure hope that was not the case) it was your own decision to sleep with him in the end. You gave in. And you feel sorry again. I know, I have been there. The trick is to change your attitude about the whole situation.

Not by sleeping around and neglect your inner voice. Not by becoming a nun and never sleep with another guy again. But by making YOUR OWN choices. YOU decide if you sleep with a guy or not. It's going to be on YOUR terms from now on and you are going to be very selective. And you decide that you can and may choose to have some fun without the boundaries when YOU are ready to do so.

That way, by taking control, you will never have to regret sleeping with another guy again. The ones that pressure you while you are not ready? Are not even worth your friendship, let alone your sex. You can spare them. They are nothing. The ones that do seem special enough? You take them to bed, you have the time of your life and decide before that happens if you are going to be OK with it if it's only a one night stand. If not: you tell him (and maybe it's better to back off then). If so: go ahead, have fun and expect NOTHING the morning after.....

 

[tanyachrs]

I sound so messed up don't I?

You sound like you're letting other people define your worth. The best way to feel good about yourself is to do things that make you proud of yourself and stop worrying about what other people think of you. When you're having sex because you want to and not because someone else expects it of you, you won't feel worthless and no one will be able to "make" you do it.

 

[ickle_stace]

I don't know how old you are but you seem to be years younger than me.

I'm 22

The guy this summer that made you sleep with him? Unless you were raped (and I sure hope that was not the case) it was your own decision to sleep with him in the end. You gave in. And you feel sorry again. I know, I have been there. The trick is to change your attitude about the whole situation.

I'm not really sure how to define what happened with that guy. He'd been a friend online for about 4 years, and we got on well, for most of the 4 years he'd tell me he wanted to be with me, and then I went away for a weekend with him and some of our mutual friends who I'd also met online but had met them before. Anyway, everyone was trying to fix me up with this other guy who was there with us and they were all joking around saying my room number, and the guy i had know for 4 years came to my room one night and I was a bit drunk and let him in, and we sat and talked for a bit and he told me he liked me and wanted to be with me and then he was trying to get me to sleep with him, i told him i didn't think it was a good idea, and then he asked me if i had any condoms, and i did have some in my bag, and he made me get one cos he said if i didn't he was going to have sex with me without one

 

[M's girl]

...... and the guy i had know for 4 years came to my room one night and I was a bit drunk and let him in, and we sat and talked for a bit and he told me he liked me and wanted to be with me and then he was trying to get me to sleep with him, i told him i didn't think it was a good idea, and then he asked me if i had any condoms, and i did have some in my bag, and he made me get one cos he said if i didn't he was going to have sex with me without one

So what did you do, besides sleeping with him (or rather, have sex with him)? You still could have called his bluff. If people say something it does not mean you have to agree. Me? I probably would have laughed in his face. But I'm (indeed) older (early 40's) and I have no idea what I would have done at your age. I only know that I've always known that no one was to have sex with me unless I wanted them to.

If you were somehow romanced into this then you were..., and you have yourself to blame is you feel bad afterwards. I'm saying this while I have no idea what it is exactly that he said to you (and did) to make you agree.

However, if he forced you (besides this statement that he was going to have sex with you regardless) then you basically have a case against him. Of course it does not help that you were a bit drunk, and probably so was he, but in the end that is NEVER an excuse to rape someone. If you said no, and he forced himself on you, that is rape. And you should talk to someone!

 

[M's girl]

I wanted to add, that in most rape cases the victim is raped by someone they know or met before. I could understand how, if this was rape, you would be confused since you sort of knew him (only online, but still). Remember that even wives can be raped by their husbands (I was never married, but in a long term relationship, when I was raped by my then BF); is the sex is non-consentual; if the woman clearly says NO, no man, not even a husband, is allowed to force himself onto a woman!

 

[ickle_stace]

I think I just said it shouldn't happen. It was partly my fault too, out mutual friends warned me about him, I was stupid to think he'd be different with me, but I had a boyfriend at the time too, although he wasn't with us, and I thought this guy liked me for years, so I was confused, but I knew sleeping with him would be wrong, and I was trying to stop it

 

[M's girl]

I think I just said it shouldn't happen. It was partly my fault too, out mutual friends warned me about him, I was stupid to think he'd be different with me, but I had a boyfriend at the time too, although he wasn't with us, and I thought this guy liked me for years, so I was confused, but I knew sleeping with him would be wrong, and I was trying to stop it

Well, what I just said: if you said NO and he forced himself on you in was rape. If he seduced you into having sex with him it wasn't. If it's the latter I can understand how you felt bad afterwards anyway, but there is not much you can do now, besides learning your lesson from this and not do it ever again.

Unless it was rape, it's all about taking responsibility. You know now what NOT to do. You can't change the past so try not to be so hard on yourself. What's done is done. Look ahead and not back (unless you need to remind yourself about how not to act).

Hope all is well for you. Learn from your mistakes. Move on. You are the only one who can decide things will be better and different, starting this minute!

 

[ickle_stace]

Well, what I just said: if you said NO and he forced himself on you in was rape. If he seduced you into having sex with him it wasn't. If it's the latter I can understand how you felt bad afterwards anyway, but there is not much you can do now, besides learning your lesson from this and not do it ever again.

Unless it was rape, it's all about taking responsibility. You know now what NOT to do. You can't change the past so try not to be so hard on yourself. What's done is done. Look ahead and not back (unless you need to remind yourself about how not to act).

Hope all is well for you. Learn from your mistakes. Move on. You are the only one who can decide things will be better and different, starting this minute!

I just need to realise I can't change the past and just get on with the future and learn from the past. Just hope I do manage to learn and stop remembering how bad it's all making me feel

 

[NippleMuncher]

What worked for me was voluntarily going celibate .

Sage advice. I did the same thing after several failed and toxic relationships. Mine were not based on sex, but on needy, manipulative women. I decided that a change was in order, so I became celibate which removed romantic/sexual notions from my outings, be they dates or otherwise. It was quite liberating to just enjoy the company of a woman WITHOUT the "gotta have sex/wanna have sex/gotta have a relationship crap going on in my mind. Aside from abstaining from sex, I also worked on my own inner demons to determine what it was in me that chose the women that I'd previously had relationships with. I became spiritual, which is different than being religious, I'm just not the orthodox type. I learned to love myself for who I am and what I am. I became the owner of myself, and with that no longer needed the acceptance of others to know and be who I am. I adopted the "this is who I am, love me or go away" attitude. This is not snobbery or conceit, it is a confirmation to myself and others that I will not change who I am to suit the needs of someone else, particularly someone whom I do not know or co not want to bring into my inner circle. Again, this is not conceit and has nothing to do with a loving and mutually give/take relationships, it's about knowing who you are and not allowing new acquaintances or friendships sway you from your spiritual center.

basically if i stay away from guys, then i'll have to stay away altogether and just stick to my friends, I know from the past that guys don't stick around once you tell them you ain't sleeping with them

If this is the type of guys you're hanging out with, then you definitely don't need or want them!! Go back and reread all the advice above, this is totally about how you feel about yourself and how you allow others to treat you. Until you change these two things, you're destined to repeat your past experiences, no matter how much you say you want otherwise.

im not sure, an ex of mine pressured me into losing my virginity to him, and then this summer another guy made me sleep with him, i'm not sure if i could go out on dates with guys without telling them i won't be sleeping with them because I'd be scared of that happening again

I sound so messed up don't I?

You're proving my last point. Men are treating you this way because you're choosing worthless, shallow men and allowing them to manipulate you. Choose a man with more between his ears than between his legs and you'll be pleasantly surprised to find out that not all of us are sex crazed arseholes bent on bedding every woman we meet.

I sound so messed up don't I?

No, you sound young and unexperienced in life/love/relationships. You are NOT messed up, you just have low self-esteem and are looking for validation from anyone who will give it to you, regardless of how they treat you. As I mentioned before, I became spiritual and enlisted the assistance of a spiritual leader to help me understand my life as it was and why I made the decisions that I did. Once I understood that it was my own self-esteem and opinion that mattered, and no one else's, I changed it and was then able to change the type of people to whom I was attracted, or at least recognize them for who and what they were BEFORE becoming involved with them. For what it's worth, I was 27 at the time I made this change, and from the sounds of it the only difference between you and I is our gender.

 

[jerseyman1963]

But from my own experiences and knowledghe from female friends, men are more likely to not wanna know a girl who won't sleep with them, so it probably won't be easy for me to find dates as it will a bloke

basically if i stay away from guys, then i'll have to stay away altogether and just stick to my friends, I know from the past that guys don't stick around once you tell them you ain't sleeping with them

But if I understood you correctly, this is exactly the kind of man you DO NOT want to meet, so who cares?

I want to clarify that I did not suggest staying away from guys. Quite the opposite in fact. I suggested meeting MORE guys... just do not get physical with them. Give yourself some time to get to know them, and give them some time to get to know you. The ones who are only interested in sex will quickly fade away, and you'll be left with the good guys, the ones you seem to want to meet (as opposed to the ones you have been meeting up until now).

No matter what your girlfriends SAY, there ARE men in this world who have more than sex on their mind. You just have to learn how to tell the difference. Yes, there are more jerks than good guys, but since the jerks are not doing it for you, you'll just have to learn a little patience. (Easier for me to say in my mid-40's than it is for you in your 20's, I know. But that's just the way it is.)

This is going to be hard. Basically, you are going to have to change the way you have been thinking about and doing things up until now. This is NOT an easy thing to do. But if you're serious about changing your life, it can be done.

Again, you're half way home just thinking about it and asking questions. Now think positively. Don't think about the down side (I will never meet another man ever) but fantasize about and imagine the upsides (when I do meet a man he'll be a man I want and not a boyish jerk).

 

[ickle_stace]

well i don't wanna go celibate and not have anything to do with guys at all I know that, after I finally got away from my first boyfriend, I had sex about 2 times in about 4 years, more so cos I was depressed than wanting to be celibate, but I kept away from men because I felt even more worthless than I do now, but it was a different kind of worthless, if that makes any sense. So I'm not looking for spiritual guidance or anything, I just don't wanna feel bad when someone else treats me bad cos it's not like they care how I feel so why should I feel bad when they're assholes

I told myself this year things would change and I wouldn't get mixed up with said assholes, guess I wanna try my best to get over the mistakes from last year and make sure they don't happen again.

When I'm having a good day I know I'm worth more than they treated me, but then on a bad day I feel worthless