Stepping into the unknown - what do you all think?

[GeorgieH]

Well people, after some lovely feedback on a couple of stories that were, to be honest, filled with a cross between wish-fulfilment and something approaching fact, I've decided to try something completely different.

This little tale is pure fiction - a topic that actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable. But I guess that's what true fiction writing is all about, right? Stretching one's personal boundaries, creating characters out of thin air and seeing how they'll behave...

That said, I'm intrigued to see what sort of feedback I'm going to be receiving for this story - and please feel free to add your views, because I truly welcome them.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=397846


Georgie
x

 

[SweetOblivion]

Excellent

Not a particular fan of this kind of situation, but you wrote this really well with the tension and dynamic working its way through the interchanges between the characters and the action. An excellent piece.

(muted applause)

M

 

[GeorgieH]

Not a particular fan of this kind of situation, but you wrote this really well with the tension and dynamic working its way through the interchanges between the characters and the action. An excellent piece.

(muted applause)

M

A very big thank you for that, M. If I had to write my own feedback, I couldn't have put it any better. It's certainly made the discomfort worthwhile, and given my confidence a boost.

Having said that, I'm returning to my 'roots' with my next piece!

Thanks again - it's much appreciated.

 

[Raquel_Mulgrew]

Great Piece

Well people, after some lovely feedback on a couple of stories that were, to be honest, filled with a cross between wish-fulfilment and something approaching fact, I've decided to try something completely different.

This little tale is pure fiction - a topic that actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable. But I guess that's what true fiction writing is all about, right? Stretching one's personal boundaries, creating characters out of thin air and seeing how they'll behave...

That said, I'm intrigued to see what sort of feedback I'm going to be receiving for this story - and please feel free to add your views, because I truly welcome them.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=397846


Georgie
x

I'm pretty much open to all genres so, unlike you, I didn't find this piece uncomfortable at all. To me, erotic fiction writing is pure fantasy and somehow my mind seems to be able to reconcile this without reading too much into it. I think it's also what allows me as a writer to write more "taboo" subjects and lose myself in the work without the veil of shame or embarrassment. In short - in writing, subjects like this are fine with me. In reality, I'd be appalled. I guess my moral conscience doesn't kick in unless I know the story to be factual.

That being said, I've read a few incest stories on this site and I have to say this is one of the more tastefully done pieces I've come across.

I absolutely love your writing style. Your use of description and tension building were great. I love when a story pulls me in and makes me desperate to find out what happens next. And it wasn't overly gratuitous like some I've seen.

You're a great writer. Can't wait to read more from you.

-Raq

 

[GeorgieH]

I'm pretty much open to all genres so, unlike you, I didn't find this piece uncomfortable at all. To me, erotic fiction writing is pure fantasy and somehow my mind seems to be able to reconcile this without reading too much into it. I think it's also what allows me as a writer to write more "taboo" subjects and lose myself in the work without the veil of shame or embarrassment. In short - in writing, subjects like this are fine with me. In reality, I'd be appalled. I guess my moral conscience doesn't kick in unless I know the story to be factual.

That being said, I've read a few incest stories on this site and I have to say this is one of the more tastefully done pieces I've come across.

I absolutely love your writing style. Your use of description and tension building were great. I love when a story pulls me in and makes me desperate to find out what happens next. And it wasn't overly gratuitous like some I've seen.

You're a great writer. Can't wait to read more from you.

-Raq

Raquel - what more can I say but thank you! Definitely the best Christmas present I had this year, and great encouragement for my future efforts.

On a similar theme, but with quite the opposite reaction from myself, may I just mention the public comment I have received for the story from Anonymous (no surprise there)? Go on, have a look at it - negative feedback I can handle, but from someone who is barely literate... no wonder they were too embarrassed at their own ignorance of language to put a name to their drivel.

As they say, you can't please all of the people, etc. I'm not exactly an experienced contributor - nor even an experienced writer, as yet - but I've learned enough from the feedback on my three efforts to know that some people will not enjoy my stories regardless of the quality of my writing. However, rather than just leave the equivalent of toilet stall wall daubings, couldn't these poor souls either vote zero and keep quiet, or at the very least write something intelligible?

Anyway, thank you again for your feedback Raquel. It is people like you that make an already pleasurable pastime and real joy.

Georgie
x

 

[AverageBear]

Overcame the genre.....

GeorgieH,

I posted this on the public comments, but in case you missed it, here are my sincere thoughts:

I'm not a frequenter of this genre, but saw your post on an author's feedback forum request and decided to have a look. You have a wonderful writing style, and took a very believable and incredibly sensitive (and, I must admit to my own mild horror, incredibly erotic) approach to a traditionally taboo topic. Regardless of whether you continue with this genre, please keep writing!!! AverageBear P.S. I have no idea what kind of anger-inducing substance the anonymous commenter with the negative feedback who posted immediately before me is abusing, but it's obviously clouded his or her judgment.

Sincerely,

AverageBear

 

[GeorgieH]

GeorgieH,

I posted this on the public comments, but in case you missed it, here are my sincere thoughts:

I'm not a frequenter of this genre, but saw your post on an author's feedback forum request and decided to have a look. You have a wonderful writing style, and took a very believable and incredibly sensitive (and, I must admit to my own mild horror, incredibly erotic) approach to a traditionally taboo topic. Regardless of whether you continue with this genre, please keep writing!!! AverageBear P.S. I have no idea what kind of anger-inducing substance the anonymous commenter with the negative feedback who posted immediately before me is abusing, but it's obviously clouded his or her judgment.

Sincerely,

AverageBear

Hi there,

I think you are more Yogi than merely an average bear - certainly a white knight sort of bear anyway - and I thank you most sincerely. I think I'll cut and paste your 'own mild horror' comment into my favourite feedback file, because it's that sort of remark that makes all my efforts so worthwhile.

Thanks again,

Georgie
x

 

[ellynei]

If writing stuff like this makes you uncomfortable, then I guess what I write makes me a monster

It's fiction, darling, the rabbit hole can go far deeper than this.

I loved the writing, and the story.

On first read through, my heart was beating fast after their first encounter, so just loved it all the way through.

On second thought, there is one place where I feel some further dwelling on sis's emotions could be worthwhile.


quote:

"You don't mean that. You're just trying to make me feel better."

"Billy, no! I can't explain it and I don't understand it, but there's no way I can deny it either. And there's no way I'd lie about anything as serious as that."

He lifted his face to meet my gaze, his eyes still full of doubt, "I just can't believe it."

quote end.


I'd insert a little more about her emotional motivation, a bit further detail.


suggestion:

"You don't mean that. You're just trying to make me feel better."

"Billy, no! I can't explain it and I don't understand it, but there's no way I can deny it either. And there's no way I'd lie about anything as serious as that." I was trying to make him feel better, but not with lies. He deserved to know the truth.

He lifted his face to meet my gaze, his eyes still full of doubt, "I just can't believe it."

suggestion end.

 

[GeorgieH]

On second thought, there is one place where I feel some further dwelling on sis's emotions could be worthwhile.

suggestion:

"You don't mean that. You're just trying to make me feel better."

"Billy, no! I can't explain it and I don't understand it, but there's no way I can deny it either. And there's no way I'd lie about anything as serious as that." I was trying to make him feel better, but not with lies. He deserved to know the truth.

He lifted his face to meet my gaze, his eyes still full of doubt, "I just can't believe it."

suggestion end.

Hi ellynei,

As well as a big thank you for taking the time to provide me with some lovely feedback, I'd also like to express my gratitude for your suggested correction. Of all the places in the story that I looked at after the initial draft, it was at this point in the narrative that I was least happy and your suggested solution is perfect.

I don't suppose you volunteer as an editor, do you?

Thanks again - it really is much appreciated.

Georgie
x

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Well people, after some lovely feedback on a couple of stories that were, to be honest, filled with a cross between wish-fulfilment and something approaching fact, I've decided to try something completely different.

This little tale is pure fiction - a topic that actually makes me feel a little uncomfortable. But I guess that's what true fiction writing is all about, right? Stretching one's personal boundaries, creating characters out of thin air and seeing how they'll behave...

Odd, I've always found my own reflection to be far more disturbing than things I make up.

That said, I'm intrigued to see what sort of feedback I'm going to be receiving for this story - and please feel free to add your views, because I truly welcome them.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=397846

It's strangely detached. She's basically being raped but even in the narration there's little indication of how horrific that would be. Dialogue during the attack might help, but then again it's meant to be erotic so I suppose you might be trying to downplay the panic and terror side. Of course I might just extremely desensitized.

Grammatically there's an awful lot of "Billy". Billy, listen. Billy, it's not your fault. Billy, I swear. Billy, look. People talk that way, yes, but the subconscious filters it out to the extent that you don't notice it in conversation. When reading the filter is completely different. Larry Niven pointed out that Everybody talks like a first draft.

With all that out of the way you avoided all sorts of typical problems. Not many paragraphs begin with "I...", grammar and spelling are well done, the characters are well developed (if a bit angsty) for a page and a half.

I liked the story and your style overall but brother/sister isn't really my cup of tea.

 

[GeorgieH]

It's strangely detached. She's basically being raped but even in the narration there's little indication of how horrific that would be. Dialogue during the attack might help, but then again it's meant to be erotic so I suppose you might be trying to downplay the panic and terror side. Of course I might just extremely desensitized.

Methinks this is due to your desensitization - my 'heroine' never sees this as 'rape', and her reactions are (meant to be) derived from her initial disbelief at her brother's actions and their underlying import - and from the realisation that her own feelings have either been hidden away from her, or spontaneously pop into existence when her brother turns the tables on her.

Grammatically there's an awful lot of "Billy". Billy, listen. Billy, it's not your fault. Billy, I swear. Billy, look. People talk that way, yes, but the subconscious filters it out to the extent that you don't notice it in conversation. When reading the filter is completely different. Larry Niven pointed out that Everybody talks like a first draft.

As for the filtering of name references (which also applies to the semi-verbal grunts, sighs, and - particularly - 'um's and 'ah's of normal conversation), it is far harder to balance this in the short story format. In a longer piece, the characters' speech patterns (should) become familiar to the readers, to the point where the 'he said's can be dropped without the reader being confused as to who has spoken. In a short there is preciously little time to generate this familiarity and this is particularly true with characters who are of a similar age and similar socio-economic backgrounds.

I've read far too many short stories here and elsewhere in which the identity of the speaker is unclear - something that is particularly annoying and/or distracting when the pace is building or where there is a climax (of whatever sort!) approaching.

From my own perspective, I filter these references as a reader almost as much as I do as a listener. I do understand your point and I have re-read the story with this in mind. On balance, I don't think I would remove more than a couple of the 'Oh, Billy'-type references - but I do appreciate your comments and the time you have taken to provide me with feedback.

Georgie
x

 

[AverageBear]

Agreed

I agree completely with your self-analysis on both points, Georgie.

On point one, I never had the sense while reading the story that the sister felt that she was being raped. I would not have found the account erotic had I had that understanding. My earlier point about "my own mild horror" at finding the tale incredibly erotic dealt with consensual relations between siblings, not non-consensual rape. My enjoyment of the incest angle disturbs me because I wouldn't want it happening in my own family, especially not with my own kids.

On point two, your insight about the difference between short stories and longer stories is bang-on. I tend to try to eliminate a lot of "he said" and "she said" from my own short stories, but only once the dialogue has reached a staccato flow and only when the conversation is limited to two people, so that the back-and-forth nature of the dialogue is clear. (Ironically, "He Said, She Said" is the title of my next Literotica story, which is currently pending approval within the next day or two).

Bravo, Georgie!

AverageBear