something's bothering me and i don't know how to express it: a rant

[silverwhisper]

OK, some of you are aware that i submit fiction to lit. well, OK, now all of you are. i write erotica as well as other fiction. i participate in an online writers group in which i submit my non-erotica and i generally get some pretty good feedback there. i work w/ a killer volunteer editor for my lit stuff. i love feedback. it makes my stuff better.

but i'm frustrated by something. my wife hasn't read the majority of my stuff.

now, we generally communicate well. we both try to be patient and not infer when we're unclear on what's meant.

so i'm extremely frustrated that she isn't interested in reading and commenting on my stuff, the one person that i most want to share it with, b/c in her words, she doesn't feel that her comments or ideas would add anything.

now, she has always considered herself the less smart one of the two of us in our relationship and it pisses me the fuck off. she's plenty smart, damn it.

so i'm frustrated with that answer b/c AFAICT, the only thing i can do to share it with her is to do what i've been doing: continually encourage her, remind her that i value her opinion above that of all others, etc.

[sighs]

OK, i really needed to get that off my chest.

ed

 

[bobsgirl]

OK, some of you are aware that i submit fiction to lit. well, OK, now all of you are. i write erotica as well as other fiction. i participate in an online writers group in which i submit my non-erotica and i generally get some pretty good feedback there. i work w/ a killer volunteer editor for my lit stuff. i love feedback. it makes my stuff better.

but i'm frustrated by something. my wife hasn't read the majority of my stuff.

now, we generally communicate well. we both try to be patient and not infer when we're unclear on what's meant.

so i'm extremely frustrated that she isn't interested in reading and commenting on my stuff, the one person that i most want to share it with, b/c in her words, she doesn't feel that her comments or ideas would add anything.

now, she has always considered herself the less smart one of the two of us in our relationship and it pisses me the fuck off. she's plenty smart, damn it.

so i'm frustrated with that answer b/c AFAICT, the only thing i can do to share it with her is to do what i've been doing: continually encourage her, remind her that i value her opinion above that of all others, etc.

[sighs]

OK, i really needed to get that off my chest.

ed

I understand your feelings. When I submitted my story, I told my husband because I thought it was pretty darn exciting. He has never read it, and never even shown an interest in reading it. (Probably a good thing I guess since it would shock him, I'm sure.) I've just accepted that this is the way it is.

What if you read some of your writing aloud to her. Might turn into something pretty erotic.

 

[silverwhisper]

[commiserates w/ BG]

thanks.

:\

ed

 

[SummerMorning]

It's really simple, silver.

The answer is: women are different. They are actually a superior lifeform and spend most of their time in a higher dimension. That's why we can't really understand them. Or oftentimes even hear them.

 

[silverwhisper]

[chuckles]

thanks...i needed that. :>

ed

 

[Guest]

 

[SummerMorning]

Glad to be of assistance. It took me many painful lessons to realise this is the only possible explanation. And it even keeps feminists happy, because they walk away feeling superior. I still can't hear them when they say, "wash the dishes," however.

 

[midwestyankee]

Perhaps your wife identifies closely with the characters in books she reads or movies that she watches. If this is so, she may have concerns about what she would experience in identifying with any of the female characters in your stories (at least the ones you've posted here).

 

[PowerLifter84]

I can understand how you feel from a different perspective.

Whenever I am with a girl, I always talk with them about their favorite hobbies and act interested, even if I'm really not. I know it makes them feel good but I don't get it in return when it comes to weight lifting. Women think it's stupid with how much I eat or in the gym trying to become as big as I can get naturally. They do not look at it is a personal hobby and therefore not care. It sucks too.

Maybe if you sat her down and explained how much it would mean to you if she were to read a story, that she would realize how important it was to you? I know you shouldn't have to sit her down for her to become interested, but women can be a pain in the ass at times.

 

[Cathleen]

Ed, could it be she might feel threatened? I haven't read all your work as yet but could the females in your writing be out of reach in her mind? I know my mind and it wouldn't be difficult for me to feeling inferior, even of a fictious woman.

Just a thought.

edit: Well, what Yank said.

 

[Eilan]

Perhaps your wife identifies closely with the characters in books she reads or movies that she watches. If this is so, she may have concerns about what she would experience in identifying with any of the female characters in your stories (at least the ones you've posted here).

This is kinda what I was thinking.

 

[Norajane]

My SO reads my writing, both the erotic and non-erotic, though he doesn't always comment or he might not say a whole lot about it. I know he thinks I'm a good writer and he enjoys it, so it doesn't really bother me that he doesn't give me a lot of feedback on it.

I don't think it would ever occur to him to try to give me editor type feedback. I think he sees it as my thing, and wouldn't presume to tell me how to do my thing.

He will, however, answer questions if I ask. Like, if I want to know if he thought a particular scene was realistic or if it was hot or if there was too much detail or not enough - he'll tell me. But he won't give that kind of info if I just ask him to tell me what he thinks.

Your situation is a little different, though, as she doesn't want to read it...

Maybe she's afraid to read it in case she doesn't like it, and then she has to somehow tell you what she thinks without hurting your feelings, so she'd rather just avoid the whole potential problem by not reading it? You could try to reassure her that you're strong enough to take it and your feeling won't be hurt.

Or maybe it bothers her that she's not the star in your erotica? You could try writing something just for her - not to post anywhere, but 'specially for her - and see if she'll read that.

Or does it make her uncomfortable if she is the star in your stories? Maybe she doesn't want to recognize herself in some of the details. If you incorporate elements of your life in your stories, she might be concerned about your relationship is 'fodder' for your stories - that can make her self-conscious.

I dunno - just guessing. I know you know she's the only one who can give you real answers.

 

[EJFan]

i can understand what you're stressing over ed... but all i can really suggest is that i think it's good to not share ALL of your interests. not that that nullifies your desires for her to share this but i think that's preferable to inducing/enticing her to share it. *shrugs* i empathize.. this is the best i can suggest.

 

[Cockyfox]

Maybe her world doesn't revolve around you and she just isn't interested!
(no offense.......wives do have lives, too......don't use the trout!)

 

[PowerLifter84]

Maybe her world doesn't revolve around you and she just isn't interested!
(no offense.......wives do have lives, too......don't use the trout!)

While this may be true, where's the harm in taking 10-minutes out of your day to show interest in something your spouse really enjoys?

 

[EJFan]

While this may be true, where's the harm in taking 10-minutes out of your day to show interest in something your spouse really enjoys?

i think CF was being lovingly sarcastic... but i agree with you too, lifter... it doesn't take much to just foster some sharing and contentment. good point.

 

[silverwhisper]

scalywag: i've always written erotica and in the past, it's been something she enjoyed reading. but i'm not even talking solely erotica stuff, either. if it were, that would make sense. i've got a contemporary novella and a few chapters of a fantasy novel, and she isn't reading those, either. now, it's possible she just doesn't think it very good, but frankly, if that's true, i'd really like to know that.

yankee: believe me, nothing i've written in the stories posted here would give her the slightest pause. :>

powerlifter: i've done that, more than once. what's the old saying, you can lead a horse to water...[sighs]

cathleen: i have trouble seeing that, b/c the women i write are just as flawed and real as the men--or at least, i think so, anyway.

norajane: i don't think she'd welcome the idea of being the star of my writing, to be honest. that would be quite contrary to her nature. i've incorporated minor details that are based on her, but nothing significant. i'll have to consider the rest of what you said.

EJ: see, that's the funny thing: our relationship is such that i have precious few interests that she doesn't share to a greater or lesser extent. and i prefer that those things be fewer rather than more. i believe i can speak for her in saying that goes for her as well.

CF: hey, c'mere, you... [trout-smack]

thanks guys. some of what you guys are saying echoes my own thoughts on it. obviously, i need to think about this some

what's funny is that, at the risk of sounding like a jerk, we've always had a great relationship, able to talk about everything: our hopes, fears, dreams...everything. so when there's a hiccup in that, esp for something that's important to me, it's not only unusual, it's downright bizarre.

as i mentioned at the top, she says that she doesn't feel her comments would add anything. she's always had self-esteem issues and i've worked very, very hard to try to help her grow beyond that self-imposed box. we're usually very, very honest w/ one another.

thanks again, guys!

[claps the men on the shoulder and offers the women hugs]

ed

 

[M's girl]

..... what's funny is that, at the risk of sounding like a jerk, we've always had a great relationship, able to talk about everything: our hopes, fears, dreams...everything. so when there's a hiccup in that, esp for something that's important to me, it's not only unusual, it's downright bizarre.

as i mentioned at the top, she says that she doesn't feel her comments would add anything. she's always had self-esteem issues and i've worked very, very hard to try to help her grow beyond that self-imposed box. we're usually very, very honest w/ one another.

I can understand how this bothers you. Maybe it would have been easier to accept, in a way, if you two did not talk about everything etcetera... You sort of come to expect your partner to be in for anything because it always works and then, al of a sudden, you find, to your horror ( ) there actually IS something where the two of you don't connect.... That's a hard one. But people are very individual creatures and you are already lucky if you find someone to connect with on a 60/40% level, at least that is what is said by psychologists. With you and your wife it's like 80/20% maybe, and you never realized the last 20% could effect you this much.

There are a few interests that M has that make me go:
For the greatest part we get along fine. I remove myself from the -matters and we make jokes about it and he enjoys himself with them. No sweat. As long as there's plenty of other things we can do together it is all good....

 

[silverwhisper]

m's girl: that's a valid point, but i think there's more to it than a failure to connect. but thanks!

ed