So WTF am I supposed to say?

[emptynester]

Best medicine though is the two little ones at home.
It sucks like nothing else, and it puts a lot into perspective.

You are so right! It makes you so much more appreciative of the children you have and makes the day to day trials that used to seem such a big deal - petty.

You are a good friend to care so much and they will always remember this time and your thoughtfulness through it all.

 

[celebdrive]

to the guy who is in pain

i mostly read and lurk here and occasionally post what music i'm listening to and i posted a rambling personal recently but thats it. so i dont say much.

recently a friend of mine - a high profile tough guy outlaw who is almost legendary in some circles - he and i were alone way up in the hollywood hills looking at the night city lights on an endless plain all the way to where it goes black when it hits ocean - no bodyguards no security no entourage and no sycophants - which is how he is set up usually -

we were talking about his 2 year old boy - and this bad ass looked out over the lights and his eyes got watery - trust me it has never happened before and never will again - but on the subject of his son - he simply said " from what i've done and seen and know about this world, i love him so much i almost wish he had never been born."

and that's all he said about that.

if you can find what i found in that sentence, maybe you can relay it to your brother in arms - when the time is right.

 

[jerseyman1963]

I once read an article on what to say at funerals, and this really stuck with me. Nobody ever knows what to say, so they always fall back on banalaties, like, "There must have been a reason it turned out this way," or, "It's all part of a plan we don't understand," etc. Hearing that when you're in pain can be worse than anything. This article suggested saying, "If there was anything intelligent I could say, I'd say it." I've stuck with that ever since, because it kind of sums everything up.

Only thing I'd add is just be there for them, and above all, just be yourself. Don't worry about censoring yourself, or saying the right or the wrong thing. Just be yourself. All their other friends and family are in the same boat. They don't know what to say or do, and they're probably just weirding your friends out, and making it worse.

Just be yourself. At a time when everyone else is censoring themselves because they are so afraid of saying the wrong thing, your friends will probably cherish you for being straight and up front. I would have gone ahead and asked what the baby's name was going to be... they're probably desperate to talk about stuff that nobody else know how to talk about right now.

Kahuna, I have some sense of you from your posts here, and I am pretty sure that you shouldn't over think this. Whether it's to make an inappropriate but funny joke, or just to give your bud a hug, or bring him a case of beer, I am pretty sure that you will instinctively know the right things to say and do. Just go with your gut on this one, and don't over think it.

 

[Mazuri]

All their other friends and family are in the same boat. They don't know what to say or do, and they're probably just weirding your friends out, and making it worse.

I'm going to highlight this as probably the best thing I've read beyond just being there for your friends. My best friend has cancer and not the kind you recover from, but the kind that will get worse as time goes on. Everyone tip-toes around it, not knowing what to say, and it drives her crazy. I'm crazy enough to joke with her about glowing in the dark from her radiation and chemo and telling her the "I've got cancer" excuse is getting old, to get another one. She appreciates being able to relax about it.

So, if you feel the time is right, ask them about the baby. Ask the name, what they had planned to decorate the nursery with, and all sorts of things no one else dares to ask and yet they are probably desperate to talk about. Those who are avoiding asking about the baby can seem like they're denying his/her very existence to parents who want to cling to the knowledge that they lost a child who was as real to them as the two waiting at home. Tell them if they want to talk, you'd love to hear...and then listen, and hold them, and cry with them as they share their joy and loss.

Don't deny them the opportunity to talk about something that means so very much to them.

 

[eudaemonia]

This article suggested saying, "If there was anything intelligent I could say, I'd say it." I've stuck with that ever since, because it kind of sums everything up.

This is one of the all time best bits of advice I've ever encountered.

Thank you for sharing it, j-man.

 

[TBKahuna123]

This is one of the all time best bits of advice I've ever encountered.

Thank you for sharing it, j-man.

Funny, I said about that exact thing the other day. I asked how he was and he said, well you know. I responded, yeah I do know, but I can't think of anything else intelligent to say.

Strange how great minds think alike, eh?

Thanks to everyone one who's made such intelligent suggestions. It's helped.