So WTF am I supposed to say?

[TBKahuna123]

My best friend called me tonight to tell me that he was on his way into town to meet his wife (4 months into a horribly difficult pregnancy) at the hospital. She went in for a check up and they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. Sure enough, they lost the baby.

All I could say was I'm sorry. Not that he was expecting anything else, but how te fuck do you console someone for something like this? What the hell else can you say? Everything happens for a reason? Fuck that, if someone told me that I'd tell em to get the fuck out. How are you doing? Stupid fucking question, they're doin shitty.

I want to be there for them because they mean a lot to me. This guy is more my brother than my friend. Still what do I say when I do see them? Given my wife and I's struggles concieving and how close we are with them, I hope I don't just burst into tears the minute I walk into the room.

This just fucking sucks! They didn't deserve this.

 

[wicked woman]

My best friend called me tonight to tell me that he was on his way into town to meet his wife (4 months into a horribly difficult pregnancy) at the hospital. She went in for a check up and they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. Sure enough, they lost the baby.

All I could say was I'm sorry. Not that he was expecting anything else, but how te fuck do you console someone for something like this? What the hell else can you say? Everything happens for a reason? Fuck that, if someone told me that I'd tell em to get the fuck out. How are you doing? Stupid fucking question, they're doin shitty.

I want to be there for them because they mean a lot to me. This guy is more my brother than my friend. Still what do I say when I do see them? Given my wife and I's struggles concieving and how close we are with them, I hope I don't just burst into tears the minute I walk into the room.

This just fucking sucks! They didn't deserve this.

You don't say a thing hon. You walk into the room...walk over to him...and give him a hug...tell him again that you're so sorry...and keep hugging him until he let's go.

I'm so sorry TBK...you're right...no one deserves this.

 

[velcroktty]

You don't need to say a word one, just be there to cry with them, grieve with them, shout with them, be angry and sad and .....you just being present there and beside them is probably the best thing for their best friend to do.
Give them all the hugs and support you have in you to give and that, my friend, is why there is nothing better one could have in this world than to have a friend like you.

 

[glynndah]

Just say what you posted. It was honest and true and straight from the heart.

 

[bobsgirl]

This is one of those times when very unfortunately there are no magic words to say to make it better. It's a tragedy. Your presence is the most important thing. Hug them, cry with them, help them deal with the mundane day-to-day activities that they are too traumatized right now to do. Feed them, help them deal with condolences, just be there.

I'm so sorry, TBK. It's a horrible thing, and there's no rhyme or reason to it. I wish them well. My condolences.

 

[midwestyankee]

Listen to the ladies here. They got it right.

I'm sorry for your friend's loss and for your pain, TBK.

 

[silverwhisper]

kahuna: you care, you listen, and if he needs it, you distract him w/ something funny. yes, funny. b/c there's nothing you can say as the others have noted. not a damned thing. it sucks that he's hurting and what this means is weighing on his shoulders so heavily.

but what i've found is that sometimes, people under that much crushing weight just need to get out from it for a spell. not for long, sometimes just a minute is all. but by so doing, you can give him a moment to try to catch his breath. and sometimes, that moment is all we need to keep going.

ed

 

[Straight-8]

The simplest, most honest approach is the best. Don't rant or show anger - leave that up to them. There is nothing you can do or say that is going to 'make it better'. Accept that and just show sympathy and be there for support however they need it.

 

[midwestyankee]

There may be some practical things that you can do. For example, when a friend lost his oldest child, he said that he really appreciated that a friend came by with a few cases of beer because he knew that they'd be having a lot of company and would need it. Now, your friend is in a different situation but some other practical need may appear to you. Do they have other children? Maybe you could offer to babysit or take the dog so they can go on a weekend getaway.

These specific suggestions may not fit, but you know your friends well. If you think in terms of how they're going to react you may think of something practical that you can do that might make their lives a little easier sometime soon.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Thanks everyone, I guess I knew all of what you say, but I needed to voice that frustration. I talked to him again today and just asked how he was doing. He response was, well you know. I told him yeah I did know, but I couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't sound stupid. It's cool, I guess the best approach is just take the honest approach. yeah I know he's doing like shit, and he knows I know, but we gotta start a conversation somehow.

The story gets worse though. He told me they had just decided on names a couple days ago. I didn't have the heart to ask what they had picked.

She delivered this morning, and hopefully she'll be going home this afternoon. I bet their other two young children get lots of hugs tonight. That's probably the best medicine at this point. I just wish it wasn't Christmas time.

 

[bobsgirl]

Thanks everyone, I guess I knew all of what you say, but I needed to voice that frustration. I talked to him again today and just asked how he was doing. He response was, well you know. I told him yeah I did know, but I couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't sound stupid. It's cool, I guess the best approach is just take the honest approach. yeah I know he's doing like shit, and he knows I know, but we gotta start a conversation somehow.

The story gets worse though. He told me they had just decided on names a couple days ago. I didn't have the heart to ask what they had picked.

She delivered this morning, and hopefully she'll be going home this afternoon. I bet their other two young children get lots of hugs tonight. That's probably the best medicine at this point. I just wish it wasn't Christmas time.

Oh dear Lord. That poor woman. I can't even imagine the nightmare it must be to have to deliver your baby when you know he's already gone.

TBK, this is so sad. I'll keep them in my prayers.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Oh dear Lord. That poor woman. I can't even imagine the nightmare it must be to have to deliver your baby when you know he's already gone.

TBK, this is so sad. I'll keep them in my prayers.

Thank BG.

You know, this really snapped a lot of things into perspective for me. I mean I've never known anyone to miscarry this late into a pregnancy before, so it never dawned on me how the "extraction" process might go. When they told me they were going to induce her I went what?!?! I mean I know they are devout catholics and all, but how traumatic? Hasn't she suffered enough?

Then I realized that this isn't just some dead tissue she needs out of her body. At this stage you've felt movement, you've begun to identify with the baby. This is no longer a fetus, this is your child. I realized just how strong willed this young woman is to go through with this process. By going through labor for a child she knows is already dead, as opposed to just having it extracted as dead tissue, shows how deep her love is for a child she will never really know. I'm not saying the other way is wrong in any way, but I guess I think doing it this way might even be therapeudic for her, in some small way.

 

[bobsgirl]

Thank BG.

You know, this really snapped a lot of things into perspective for me. I mean I've never known anyone to miscarry this late into a pregnancy before, so it never dawned on me how the "extraction" process might go. When they told me they were going to induce her I went what?!?! I mean I know they are devout catholics and all, but how traumatic? Hasn't she suffered enough?

Then I realized that this isn't just some dead tissue she needs out of her body. At this stage you've felt movement, you've begun to identify with the baby. This is no longer a fetus, this is your child. I realized just how strong willed this young woman is to go through with this process. By going through labor for a child she knows is already dead, as opposed to just having it extracted as dead tissue, shows how deep her love is for a child she will never really know. I'm not saying the other way is wrong in any way, but I guess I think doing it this way might even be therapeudic for her, in some small way.

when I miscarried, it was very early in the pregnancy. At four months, and after feeling movement, I would consider it the loss of a child, not a miscarriage. You're right, TBK. In a weird sort of way, that baby deserved to be "born" and not just extracted. In my opinon this woman is did a very loving thing for her baby.

 

[wicked woman]

when I miscarried, it was very early in the pregnancy. At four months, and after feeling movement, I would consider it the loss of a child, not a miscarriage. You're right, TBK. In a weird sort of way, that baby deserved to be "born" and not just extracted. In my opinon this woman is did a very loving thing for her baby.

Actually bg that was what I was going to comment on to TBK...to be recognizing it as a loss of a 'child' is key.

 

[Cathleen]

Kahuna, I am sorry for all of you...

Being there is better than any words we can say, it shows love you have for them.

Maybe you can bring a few dinners by since I'd imagine energy will be tough to muster -- even with two kids at home.

Continued prayers.

 

[midwestyankee]

Just a quick idea: how about getting your hands on a Santa suit and showing up at their house some night next week with a couple of things for the kiddies and some gag gifts for Mom and Dad?

They might appreciate the laughter and diversion.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Just a quick idea: how about getting your hands on a Santa suit and showing up at their house some night next week with a couple of things for the kiddies and some gag gifts for Mom and Dad?

They might appreciate the laughter and diversion.

That's actually not a bad idea. Thanks dude, I may do that!

 

[midwestyankee]

That's actually not a bad idea. Thanks dude, I may do that!

Pictures, man, we want pictures. Gotta see that Santa suit with the assless chaps.

 

[wicked woman]

Pictures, man, we want pictures. Gotta see that Santa suit with the assless chaps.

Now THAT made me laugh!

 

[TBKahuna123]

I had to ditch the assless chaps a couple years ago. Whenever I slid down the chimney I always wound up with soot in my crack.

 

[Leah57]

TBK - the others have posted much more eloquent suggestions as I. I just wanted to add my condolences to your friends, and my support to you as you are there for your friends at this difficult time for them.

I'm not catholic and don't pretend to know everything about the religion, but you indicated that the family was devout catholic - perhaps have a mass said in memory of the baby?

 

[emptynester]

TBK- I had a miscarriage (at least that is what I called it) with our first at four months. It was extremely difficult since it would have been our first. The hospital termed it "aborted". That bothered me more than anything. It was naturally aborted and I had to go through labor, delivery and a D&C.

Miscarried again in my third month in between my first and second. Although it is never easy, having one at home made it somewhat easier the second time around.

I went through a period of depression after the first until a friend of mine lost her baby shortly after me. She was far enough along that they held the baby, named her and had a funeral. Happened to her again later. They finally adopted.

Nothing can prepare you or console you. It is like any other loss. It just takes time. Sounds like you are doing everything a supportive friend can do. Hang in there.

 

[Phaedre]

Such a terrible loss is like no other. Your friends will need you.

 

[eudaemonia]

I want to be there for them because they mean a lot to me. This guy is more my brother than my friend.

I think what you just wrote is perfect as is.

Letting someone know how much they mean to you is like saying, "I care so about you and what happens to you. I'm right by your side." Powerful stuff.

 

[TBKahuna123]

TBK- I had a miscarriage (at least that is what I called it) with our first at four months. It was extremely difficult since it would have been our first. The hospital termed it "aborted". That bothered me more than anything. It was naturally aborted and I had to go through labor, delivery and a D&C.

Miscarried again in my third month in between my first and second. Although it is never easy, having one at home made it somewhat easier the second time around.

I went through a period of depression after the first until a friend of mine lost her baby shortly after me. She was far enough along that they held the baby, named her and had a funeral. Happened to her again later. They finally adopted.

Nothing can prepare you or console you. It is like any other loss. It just takes time. Sounds like you are doing everything a supportive friend can do. Hang in there.

She has had problems with miscarrying before, a lot actually, but nothing beyond 6-8 weeks. I think what makes this one hardest is that they thought they were out of the danger zone.

Someon mentioned a funeral mass. We're going to do that actually. They already hada name picked out, and we'll do not really a full mass, but a memorial service. They are having him cremated and they will do a burial of some sort this summer. It's tough, but they are doing OK, as well as can be expected. This will be god though as it will give some closure and comfort. Best medicine though is the two little ones at home.

It sucks like nothing else, and it puts a lot into perspective.