entitled
the quiet one
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2002
- Posts
- 17,813
i'm going to apologize now for whatever this post ends up being. Aside from long. i was put in a contemplative mood earlier today (THANKS, Stella 
) and haven't pulled myself out yet. Therefore... rambling!
It's no secret about what's been going on in my life lately. There's going to be some major changes as soon as i can make them happen. The thought of actually going through with them makes me wary, though.
After being married for six years, i've realized the person i used to be is gone. There's nothing left of her except the need to laugh with other people. My tastes in nearly everything has changed. A 'friend' asked me the last time i talked to him about where i thought our relationship could go. It was the first time i had to honestly tell somebody that i had no earthly idea, and that it scared me.
That must not have gone over well. i haven't heard from him since.
That hurt more deeply than i'd like to admit. He was the one i had truly been leaning on. He knows more about my current situation than anybody else. He was the one i leaned on and relied on - and he knew it. If i weren't so afraid of being hurt this badly again, i could easily have fallen for him.
That being hurt is another thing. How did i allow myself to be drawn into this, to be changed this much BY HIM without realizing it was happening? How did he turn what was once a confident person into a mass of insecurities? Honestly, that's what's happened. When he did... the first major thing he did, nearly five years ago, i would have just packed and run if i had been physically able. Taken the kids and gone. i was sure enough of myself to have researched houses for sale, job markets, schools, things of that sort in a couple of areas.
How he convinced me to stay, i'll never know. That was the beginning of the losing of myself. That was when 'we' decided that it would be best for me to be a stay at home mom. It made sense. i made no fuss about it - until i realized how lonely it was without a job. Both the kids i had at the time were less than two years old, i had no friends in the area, all the people i knew were either inlaws (not good) or people i had worked with.
Then starts the controlling... It's not a good idea for me to go to church (yes, i went to church, even though i'm not a christian. i needed to be around people) because i needed time away from the kids. Then it wasn't good for me to be spending so much time on the computer. It wasn't good for me to be outside so much, messing with flowers that 'ain't gonna grow anyway' - because the neighbors could see me in my shorts.
On top of that was absolute sexual frustration. Before that first incident, i was topping from the bottom. i'll admit to being an absolute submissive. Just have to warn people that sass and attitude come along with me. It's not in my nature to have to instruct people that should hold sway over me. It simply feels wrong. After that incident, he slept on the bed and i slept on the couch for well over a year. The first night i finally got lonely enough to sleep with him again, i ended up both unsatisfied and pregnant. Again.
Then it started in earnest.
It finally got to the point that i told him to piss off. i wanted something to myself. He was done controlling every last aspect of my life. i joined the SCA and started going to meetings, fighter practices, events... without his consent. That didn't make him happy at all.
He didn't take it out on me physically. There were other ways. Mental games, toying with emotions, things of that sort. If you've never been in that type of situation, pray it doesn't happen. It wears at you. Breaks down your mind. It has an effect on everything you do.
The last straw was this past September. i'd been asking him for years to go to counselling with me. This whole time, i had faith that we could work things out, even if we needed help. He finally agreed, picked a counsellor, and we went. One time. i went with him ONE TIME. In that one session, the start of it all came up. i told my version, and he told his - and he laughed through the whole thing.
You have to understand, from day one of our relationship, i made it clear that what happened was the one thing i could not, under any circumstances, deal with. At that point, it was my one hard limit. It happened anyway - then he laughed about it. i nearly had a breakdown in that room. i could feel my mind trying to shut itself off and had to fight it to the point that i couldn't pay any sort of attention to anything else going on.
i couldn't talk to him for days.
i refused to go back to the counseling sessions, though he kept going.
Finally i realized that something had to change. i told him that my mind was made up, that i was filing for divorce. He threatened to make me take a mental exam before allowing me to have even partial custody of the kids. After having my emotions squashed for so long, and a few other things, there's a possibility that i won't pass if this happens. That means losing my kids. That wouldn't work. My life has been built around them. Raising them is all i've done for nearly five years.
Still, there's strength left in me. i'm going through with it anyway. i have to. But... where does it leave me?
i'll have to start over again. New place to live, have to find a job, a way to support myself (and the kids, if i get partial custody), have to make new friends, everything. i'll even have to rediscover myself sexually. Providing i can find a willing partner.
It's confusing.
i'm lost, and overwhelmed.
) and haven't pulled myself out yet. Therefore... rambling!It's no secret about what's been going on in my life lately. There's going to be some major changes as soon as i can make them happen. The thought of actually going through with them makes me wary, though.
After being married for six years, i've realized the person i used to be is gone. There's nothing left of her except the need to laugh with other people. My tastes in nearly everything has changed. A 'friend' asked me the last time i talked to him about where i thought our relationship could go. It was the first time i had to honestly tell somebody that i had no earthly idea, and that it scared me.
That must not have gone over well. i haven't heard from him since.
That hurt more deeply than i'd like to admit. He was the one i had truly been leaning on. He knows more about my current situation than anybody else. He was the one i leaned on and relied on - and he knew it. If i weren't so afraid of being hurt this badly again, i could easily have fallen for him.
That being hurt is another thing. How did i allow myself to be drawn into this, to be changed this much BY HIM without realizing it was happening? How did he turn what was once a confident person into a mass of insecurities? Honestly, that's what's happened. When he did... the first major thing he did, nearly five years ago, i would have just packed and run if i had been physically able. Taken the kids and gone. i was sure enough of myself to have researched houses for sale, job markets, schools, things of that sort in a couple of areas.
How he convinced me to stay, i'll never know. That was the beginning of the losing of myself. That was when 'we' decided that it would be best for me to be a stay at home mom. It made sense. i made no fuss about it - until i realized how lonely it was without a job. Both the kids i had at the time were less than two years old, i had no friends in the area, all the people i knew were either inlaws (not good) or people i had worked with.
Then starts the controlling... It's not a good idea for me to go to church (yes, i went to church, even though i'm not a christian. i needed to be around people) because i needed time away from the kids. Then it wasn't good for me to be spending so much time on the computer. It wasn't good for me to be outside so much, messing with flowers that 'ain't gonna grow anyway' - because the neighbors could see me in my shorts.
On top of that was absolute sexual frustration. Before that first incident, i was topping from the bottom. i'll admit to being an absolute submissive. Just have to warn people that sass and attitude come along with me. It's not in my nature to have to instruct people that should hold sway over me. It simply feels wrong. After that incident, he slept on the bed and i slept on the couch for well over a year. The first night i finally got lonely enough to sleep with him again, i ended up both unsatisfied and pregnant. Again.
Then it started in earnest.
It finally got to the point that i told him to piss off. i wanted something to myself. He was done controlling every last aspect of my life. i joined the SCA and started going to meetings, fighter practices, events... without his consent. That didn't make him happy at all.
He didn't take it out on me physically. There were other ways. Mental games, toying with emotions, things of that sort. If you've never been in that type of situation, pray it doesn't happen. It wears at you. Breaks down your mind. It has an effect on everything you do.
The last straw was this past September. i'd been asking him for years to go to counselling with me. This whole time, i had faith that we could work things out, even if we needed help. He finally agreed, picked a counsellor, and we went. One time. i went with him ONE TIME. In that one session, the start of it all came up. i told my version, and he told his - and he laughed through the whole thing.
You have to understand, from day one of our relationship, i made it clear that what happened was the one thing i could not, under any circumstances, deal with. At that point, it was my one hard limit. It happened anyway - then he laughed about it. i nearly had a breakdown in that room. i could feel my mind trying to shut itself off and had to fight it to the point that i couldn't pay any sort of attention to anything else going on.
i couldn't talk to him for days.
i refused to go back to the counseling sessions, though he kept going.
Finally i realized that something had to change. i told him that my mind was made up, that i was filing for divorce. He threatened to make me take a mental exam before allowing me to have even partial custody of the kids. After having my emotions squashed for so long, and a few other things, there's a possibility that i won't pass if this happens. That means losing my kids. That wouldn't work. My life has been built around them. Raising them is all i've done for nearly five years.
Still, there's strength left in me. i'm going through with it anyway. i have to. But... where does it leave me?
i'll have to start over again. New place to live, have to find a job, a way to support myself (and the kids, if i get partial custody), have to make new friends, everything. i'll even have to rediscover myself sexually. Providing i can find a willing partner.
It's confusing.
i'm lost, and overwhelmed.
